Wife worse after rehab for alcoholism
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Beachn…….thanks for that good update.....
I think you are doing well, considering all that the family has been through....
It seems that you are properly thankful, as well as determined to do the next right thing.....and, it seems that you are properly appreciative of the ravages that alcoholism can visit on the individual and their loved ones.
I am hoping that you will continue to read and learn and post, here....as well as share your ongoing experience with others who are going through the dark times....
Good, I think, that you will have a sizeable respit of time to focus on your own needs and gather your own support system.....
I think you are doing well, considering all that the family has been through....
It seems that you are properly thankful, as well as determined to do the next right thing.....and, it seems that you are properly appreciative of the ravages that alcoholism can visit on the individual and their loved ones.
I am hoping that you will continue to read and learn and post, here....as well as share your ongoing experience with others who are going through the dark times....
Good, I think, that you will have a sizeable respit of time to focus on your own needs and gather your own support system.....
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 
Glad you posted. Maybe you could meet new people from your children's school. Is there a PTA that you can get involved with?
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by dandylion
Beachn…….thanks for that good update.....
I think you are doing well, considering all that the family has been through....
It seems that you are properly thankful, as well as determined to do the next right thing.....and, it seems that you are properly appreciative of the ravages that alcoholism can visit on the individual and their loved ones.
I am hoping that you will continue to read and learn and post, here....as well as share your ongoing experience with others who are going through the dark times....
Good, I think, that you will have a sizeable respit of time to focus on your own needs and gather your own support system.....
I think you are doing well, considering all that the family has been through....
It seems that you are properly thankful, as well as determined to do the next right thing.....and, it seems that you are properly appreciative of the ravages that alcoholism can visit on the individual and their loved ones.
I am hoping that you will continue to read and learn and post, here....as well as share your ongoing experience with others who are going through the dark times....
Good, I think, that you will have a sizeable respit of time to focus on your own needs and gather your own support system.....
Good and bad. It’s all on me to put the pieces together. Ever heard of Kintsugi? That’s how I envision my life after a few months.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by dandylion
It is just amazing how a week or two of decent rest and good diet can make such a difference in a person's looks.....
I've been doing enough to hang in there. I'm going to let go of this stress in a new way.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
The strangest thing happened to me yesterday. As I was out to dinner with the kids, feeling down, ring off my finger, the whole 9 yards. I received a text from someone looking for their half biological brother. Me. It was my half sister. I knew she existed, but nothing else.
So very strange to have this happen in the midst of all this crap. I’m amazed by it all.
So very strange to have this happen in the midst of all this crap. I’m amazed by it all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Beachn…...Wow. Amazing, isn't it. Very recently, the same thing happened in my own family! Someone that was known to exist...but, never expected to ever know (due to adoption). She decided to seek out her biological parents...and, through the help of one of the popular DNA searches, was able to introduce herself. She has been welcomed with open arms....and, is a wonderful young woman. It fills a "yearning" that can't be completely explained by words. I call it a miracle...…
It does take a bit of time for it all to "soak in".....
I think it is just "proof" that the complex dynamics of the Universe is always at work....Lol...Keep an open heart and always be willing to be amazed!
It does take a bit of time for it all to "soak in".....
I think it is just "proof" that the complex dynamics of the Universe is always at work....Lol...Keep an open heart and always be willing to be amazed!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hey Beach, I've read parts of your story. It sounds like you have been through the wringer and then some. The pain experienced in this situation is beyond belief. Congrats for every day you get through; it is indeed an achievement.
Take care of yourself and may every angel in the universe dive bomb you and your family.
Take care of yourself and may every angel in the universe dive bomb you and your family.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hi everyone, again.
Such a kind group, thank you for being here.
Early mornings are the most difficult time for me. I wake after having mostly nightmares, to my brain throwing a fit about the level of chaos she has created in our lives. No single aspect has been untouched in some way, many parts completely torn asunder.
Once again Im questioning my decision to support her. I go through this back and forth multiple times a day. It’s exhausting. I sat down and looked at the cost again. For a year, it’s well over $100,000. That money, would go a long way toward expanding my business and my children’s future security. If I knew there was a guarantee this would put her into long term recovery I wouldnt hesitate for a moment, but there are no guarantees.
The real problem is I feel responsible for our environment becoming so stressful that she, and I, turned alcohol to cope. I got lucky and was able to quit last year, on the anniversary of the day we met. Corny, but it worked. My part in all this is what makes this decision so difficult.
Its a crazy story, that only family and therapists know. I keep thinking I need to put it someone in the world for others to read, and know what we have endured for the better part if a decade.
Such a kind group, thank you for being here.
Early mornings are the most difficult time for me. I wake after having mostly nightmares, to my brain throwing a fit about the level of chaos she has created in our lives. No single aspect has been untouched in some way, many parts completely torn asunder.
Once again Im questioning my decision to support her. I go through this back and forth multiple times a day. It’s exhausting. I sat down and looked at the cost again. For a year, it’s well over $100,000. That money, would go a long way toward expanding my business and my children’s future security. If I knew there was a guarantee this would put her into long term recovery I wouldnt hesitate for a moment, but there are no guarantees.
The real problem is I feel responsible for our environment becoming so stressful that she, and I, turned alcohol to cope. I got lucky and was able to quit last year, on the anniversary of the day we met. Corny, but it worked. My part in all this is what makes this decision so difficult.
Its a crazy story, that only family and therapists know. I keep thinking I need to put it someone in the world for others to read, and know what we have endured for the better part if a decade.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
That's not an easy question. Do you invest money in her future well-being (which is, of course, also an investment for your children) or do you look elsewhere for that well-being.
Is there an option B? While I'm sure you want to make sure she has the best care possible there are surely different options out there that may help her just as much.
I'm just thinking it might not have to be that cut and dried. If the money is actually going to be a huge burden for your family then perhaps start looking for a plan B for when she is out of rehab. I don't know what the plan is - rehab then sober living? Some kind of facility afterward?
Of course your mind wanders to - how about just letting her take care of this? Especially after she has completely disregarded your relationship. Then again, one would hope she would be there for you if the shoe were on the other foot.
No easy answers, but maybe look for a plan B that you can be more comfortable with?
Is there an option B? While I'm sure you want to make sure she has the best care possible there are surely different options out there that may help her just as much.
I'm just thinking it might not have to be that cut and dried. If the money is actually going to be a huge burden for your family then perhaps start looking for a plan B for when she is out of rehab. I don't know what the plan is - rehab then sober living? Some kind of facility afterward?
Of course your mind wanders to - how about just letting her take care of this? Especially after she has completely disregarded your relationship. Then again, one would hope she would be there for you if the shoe were on the other foot.
No easy answers, but maybe look for a plan B that you can be more comfortable with?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Once again Im questioning my decision to support her. I go through this back and forth multiple times a day. It’s exhausting. ...
The real problem is I feel responsible for our environment becoming so stressful that she, and I, turned alcohol to cope. I got lucky and was able to quit last year...
Originally Posted by Beachn
I’m heart broken and so worried for her. ...think a serious tragedy is unavoidable and it’s painful to watch it roll through our lives like a tornado. Destroying everything in its wake.....Im physically and emotionally beat the hell up. ...It’s all screwing with my head.
You are terribly focused on the problem and so struggling to fix the problem is what your life becomes more and more. What is your program of change and health? What do you want to experience more of in your life? If you want more peace and well being, that has to begin internally. There's no-one better than an active alcoholic (OK, possibly a teenager!) to show us that struggling to fix another person or a situation in order to feel better is always a downward spiral, for that struggle just brings us more and more of the same. A life of peace always has to begin with changing ourselves - changing what we think about, what we focus upon and what we do.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Sounds like you're taking on way more responsibility for your entire family's well being than is necessary or even possible. You stopped drinking, but are you in a recovery and wellness program? You have the weight of everyone's life on your shoulders, struggling to figure it all out for them, and this will ultimately not serve them or you, for (my impression is that) your planning is based in control, not in confidence. How are you making progress with your own mental, emotional and spiritual wellness? You own recovery program is the only path forward that will be of benefit for everyone, yourself included.
In AlAnon, we say often: "Work the program, not the problem."
You are terribly focused on the problem and so struggling to fix the problem is what your life becomes more and more. What is your program of change and health? What do you want to experience more of in your life? If you want more peace and well being, that has to begin internally. There's no-one better than an active alcoholic (OK, possibly a teenager!) to show us that struggling to fix another person or a situation in order to feel better is always a downward spiral, for that struggle just brings us more and more of the same. A life of peace always has to begin with changing ourselves - changing what we think about, what we focus upon and what we do.
In AlAnon, we say often: "Work the program, not the problem."
You are terribly focused on the problem and so struggling to fix the problem is what your life becomes more and more. What is your program of change and health? What do you want to experience more of in your life? If you want more peace and well being, that has to begin internally. There's no-one better than an active alcoholic (OK, possibly a teenager!) to show us that struggling to fix another person or a situation in order to feel better is always a downward spiral, for that struggle just brings us more and more of the same. A life of peace always has to begin with changing ourselves - changing what we think about, what we focus upon and what we do.
Hi and yes I am taking on it all. While she was in rehab, I was in therapy, working my 12 steps in al anon, listening to co-dependent no more, DBT skills class once a week. Trying to do it “right”. Since her discharge. Nada. It’s been chaos. Ten days of complete hell. After she left: Oldest got sick, then my daughter. Drs visits, no school, no work. Now I’m ill. This is absurd.
I need a damn break and I have no help here. Started looking for a nanny, that’s going to take a week to filter and interview. Hope I make it till then. Lol. Fudge.
I decided I’m not spending the money. No way in hell after everything that’s happened. I just can’t risk spending $100k and no guarantee she won’t relapse the day she is discharged. Same spot, older, out $100k. I’m putting it on her to do what she needs to do. Therapy AA, psychiatry, vistaril, but not the 6 months in a mansion talking about feelings and relearning **** she already knows. 4 years is long enough, get it together you’re a mother of 2. And I will not have my daughter raised, or be influenced by a dishonorable woman. Period. That generational curse ends here. Right now. I’ll spend 100k plus to protect my daughter. And then some.
Spoke with her in detox, says she’s remorseful, wants to fix everything she broke. Hit bottom. Lost everything. Can’t explain her actions. Knows she has a co-occurring disorde. Never said anything like that before, but she has learned to manipulate, aggressively, and admits it. Knows she needs help for it.
She has no where to go except her rehab buddies and that is a death sentence for sure. Maybe her mother’s but that is where all of this started and she refuses and I don’t blame her.
Kinda, sorta losing my marbles Was looking forward to her being gone, to focus on rebuilding my life. Because right now it’s a mess. I, my children, and my business are the things I can help, and protect. I have no control over her and don’t want it anyway. I married an honorable woman, she’s gone, and Frankenstein has taken her place.
The advice I have received from “experts” ranges from Eff her, to do everything you can she would do it for you. And she did. But I didn’t create this type of insanity. My everlasting gobb stopper’s crap flavor wasn’t so overwhelming.
Trying very hard hard to keep everything together as the kids and I mend as I research, talk, call and think. It’s exhausting, plus all the single parent crap and trying to keep customers from running the other direction. Slippery.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Have you considered calling a nanny service in the interim? Perhaps for a couple of weeks/a month to have someone who is already pre-screened and can step in right away.
You need help, that much is clear. Even daycare temporarily, once they are feeling better.
You need to look after yourself. Sometimes it's best to just stop. Just stop putting out fires here there and everywhere and take the easiest path right now. Ignore your wife (she can do without you for a month), get the kiddies someone to take care of them and let things settle down a bit, for a few weeks at least.
If going to her rehab buddies is as dire as you say then maybe she needs to consider going to her Mother's instead. She's not a child anymore and it's time to start making some good decisions, not your problem right now.
You need help, that much is clear. Even daycare temporarily, once they are feeling better.
You need to look after yourself. Sometimes it's best to just stop. Just stop putting out fires here there and everywhere and take the easiest path right now. Ignore your wife (she can do without you for a month), get the kiddies someone to take care of them and let things settle down a bit, for a few weeks at least.
If going to her rehab buddies is as dire as you say then maybe she needs to consider going to her Mother's instead. She's not a child anymore and it's time to start making some good decisions, not your problem right now.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
You're doing very well in a very difficult situation. Others have been here, too, before us. Life, one day at a time.
It's a balance and a journey. Our actions one day don't need to look exactly the same the next day. We get to change our minds, make mistakes, put down stress and allow God/Higher Power to take care of us and others.
My car was stuck in deep snow earlier today. It was a God-thing. I had time to pause, pray, meditate. Then I was able to allow things to naturally work out. People showing up for me, helping me out and me being capable of accepting graciously with nothing needed in return. To simply be appreciative. Al-anon principles at work. Do what I can: prayer is a powerful action. Waiting is, too. Gratitude skills create internal healing.
It's a balance and a journey. Our actions one day don't need to look exactly the same the next day. We get to change our minds, make mistakes, put down stress and allow God/Higher Power to take care of us and others.
My car was stuck in deep snow earlier today. It was a God-thing. I had time to pause, pray, meditate. Then I was able to allow things to naturally work out. People showing up for me, helping me out and me being capable of accepting graciously with nothing needed in return. To simply be appreciative. Al-anon principles at work. Do what I can: prayer is a powerful action. Waiting is, too. Gratitude skills create internal healing.
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