fluffyflea

Changing your number is worth it and so is changing your e-mail even if it is a bit inconvenient. And people will understand.

Why don't you go visit your parents for a bit?

Hammer

btw, Blake -- get ready for the Paint You Black part -- I am pondering whether that is Intentional Abuse over on the bpdfamily.com site -- someone helped me form this description --

"They paint you black, but the lying about you part to friends, family, co-workers, therapists etc... Is called a smear campaign, villification campaign or distortion campaign and can be forms of baiting, projection, and proxy recruitment."

At any rate, it is likely coming your way, as well, Blake -- so just giving you that head's up.

Pia

maybe it's time to drop the "girlfriend" moniker...I think many of us who are NOT you would wonder how she ever got that title in the first place.

I agree she doesn't deserve this. Now I officially know why men say women are crazy. Well some truly are.

Hawkeye13

Yep--get out of town again this weekend if you can just to chill.

This "acute" phase will be over quicker if you don't respond in any way.

As others have said, any engagement will just redouble her efforts and prolong it.

She may possibly try the coming over and banging on the door thing next. Be ready for that.

Is your place secure? In an apartment building or a house? What floor is it?

If that happens (and it might not, so don't obsess about it, but do have a plan)

Do not let her in under any circumstances or try to "quiet" her so the neighbors don't hear. You want the neighbors to hear and you don't want to be alone with her in your place. Let her make all the noise she wants, and call the cops immediately.

Again, this may not even be part of the reaction, but I had it happen, and I stupidly let the person in because I was "embarassed" due to the noise and chaos they were creating. I wasn't hurt physically, but it unfortunately gave him the opportunity to talk me into taking him back because he had "changed" (I know, I know, what an idiot I was but I was very very young and didn't understand psycho addict personalities and the clever manipulation they are capable of--I just wanted to help the sobbing man crying his heart out in my living room saying I was his world, he needed me, quack quack quack) That ended up costing me a lot of money and heartache in the end.

So that's where I'm getting that as a possible response.

Hang in there Blake. If you are a solid wall of no contact, she will give up and move on.

blake1989

Thanks for everything Hawkeye. I've made as many safeguards as I can, I think, on the homefront. I'm so jittery. I live in an apt building on the ground floor. There is a front desk and if you're a visitor you have to tell them who you're going to. You cannot get in the building without a digital keyfob, which she never had. My locks were all changed, and they have a special message in their digital system saying not to let her in particular in. The way this would play out is she would appear at the front doors, and they might let her come in to the front desk lobby area. She always had trouble remembering my apartment number but she'd give my name. She may or may not make it to my door after that. And then I'd have to call the police, or front desk would already be on it.

Sorry to say, but the keys thing is scary because I screwed up a few months ago. I still can't explain it, but I lost ALL my keys (car keys, apt, everything) when I was out with her. It was one of those nights where I wasn't at the point of saying no to her when she suggested an 'activity' that was just an excuse to drink. She said she wanted to hear a friend's band play, but it turned out she really just wanted to go to her local bar. I sat there and didn't interact with her much the whole night, cursing myself for enabling instead of driving home. But I could not find my keys anywhere, and had to get them all, including my car keys, remade. I really don't think she took them, but there was a digital keyfob on there. It's lost to history now, whatever happened. I may have just dropped them out of my coat in a parking lot for all I know. She helped me look for them for hours.

She lives 1.5-2hrs driving away depending on traffic, so there would need to be major determination for her to show up. But I know she is capable of anything - I've seen her drink a bottle and a half of wine and try to run off to her car without me seeing, but I always stopped her.

I wish I could visit my parents Earthworm. But they are close to 1000 miles away. I'm pondering visiting another college friend and his wife.

Hammer - I kind of expect the smear campaign. I have an email from her saying that I always treated her perfectly. But that can change I know. She can talk badly about me all she wants, because I know I always treated her like gold - I just want peace, not harassment.

I just mailed her stuff back just now.

hopeful4

You know what, who cares if she tries to smear you. It really does not matter. If you stop contact with her she will eventually stop all contact and be forced to move on.

Good Luck Blake!

Katiekate

Good God, you are going through it.

I am so sorry. I really have nothing to add, just, as everyone else has said, do not engage. Please.

blake, it's going to okay. Keep the faith.

And as always we are here. Take good care of you. xo

Danae

Just sending encouragement. You are doing a great job. The visit to the college friend sounds like it could help you keep your mind off of all this, which could be very helpful!

spiderqueen

Maybe you could find a jogging buddy. Or borrow someone's dog? That might give you the confidence you need to get back outside without fear. Or maybe an indoor gym with a treadmill to start with? Might be a great thing first thing in the morning, especially being surrounded by people getting healthy in a brightly lit environment.

For me, it's the intense aerobic activity that helps me re-route the fight or flight chemicals you are probably overloaded with right now.

And don't forget all the other important self care - good nutrition, lots of rest. Your body is fighting this nasty "virus" and needs lots of help.

You are showing real courage in blocking access and sending her stuff back. Hang in there.

fluffyflea

Good for you for mailing her stuff back.

Brincess

Blake. You're not alone. I too finally sent the hardest text of goodbye to my abf. I thought we were meant to be together and we had been engaged as well. But alcohol destroys and it was slowly destroying him and quickly destroying me. Well it's been a week now and I feel a tremendous burden off my shoulders. A contentment with my life that I don't think I've ever felt. Finally!!! I've chosen something right for ME!!!! It feels great. I feel happy. I don't know how I stayed in thAt chaos and fear for almost a year. Life is so much more. We just have to choose that we want more than misery. Today as I dropped off my kids (to my ex) I realized that they come first and I will never lose sight of that again. They are tiny people who deserve to be protected from as much as I possibly can. They are happier and they see me happier. All in just one week. Stick with your decision Blake it's so worth it

Brincess

Ex husband that is not ex abf

blake1989

Thanks a lot Brincess for sharing your story. Sounds like we have been through some similar things in the last week - crazy. I really believed we were meant to be together, too, and for the first time in my life I went looking at rings at Tiffany before I knew the scope of the problem. She beat me to it and proposed the next day, I said yes, but obviously it wasn't a 'real' engagement. She had been drinking.

Chaos is the word my therapist uses, too. While I am on edge still about her actions, I feel that life is out there. I was going to write a thread about it but I'm still processing and don't have much to offer yet, and still in some fear. Not to be too gross, but I had constant diarrhea the past 2 months when things got more aggressive/violent towards me, especially on days when I was supposed to see her. I saw a GI specialist and he said I have irritable bowel from anxiety. After breaking up, I'm eating more (I often could only eat a yogurt the whole day) and those GI problems have vanished almost immediately. kind of mind blowing.

Brincess

Blake similar story here. I started popping tums all day long. Lost 6 pounds which is a lot for 5'2 with not a lot to spare. I also had headaches stomach aches a lot of stomach acid. I just wasn't taking good care of myself. Also I was drinking more. So now so many things are better. But mostly it's my attitude about life and my relationship with my kids is improving in just one week. My focus is now on them instead of obsessing over an alcoholic. Hang in there and stay strong

Brincess

You know, once you get out and remember what real happiness feels like and having peace feels like it's so much easier to not go back. I'm not needy anymore I'm not feeling dependent on him. I'm a grown up. I can take care of myself and I am and I will continue to. Somehow all that got lost in my relationship with abf

Katiekate

Blake, something that I put into practice was learning how to observe the behavior , I imagined him inside a circle and myself outside the circle, it was a way of detaching. When I looked objectively at what was going on in the circle I was shocked.

My x was bpd, the things you write are so familiar to me, all I feel is sadness for you, this situation is very difficult. Are you reading at all at the bpd forum. It was very helpful for me, I never joined but I did go on the forum as a guest and read a lot in the Leaving and detaching section. You will see your story everywhere.

If there is a place you can go, with friends or family that feels loving and safe, try to make that happen, it will be a reminder to you that there are people and places that are safe, emotionally comforting, and happy. At the end for me, just sitting with my Dad watching a Red Sox game gave me amazing comfort. We didn't even have to talk about it, what was amazing was I had forgotten how to be peaceful. I really had to retrain my brain. The chaos of my relationship had rendered me literally detached from the real world.

Please try to get yourself to safe and comforting places, eat good food, get outside in nature, try to get some sleep in a place that doesn't feel unsafe.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, it was a long road for me, but today, I can look back on it and see it was what it was, I feel like I literally dodged a bullet.

Sending love, Katie

Ps. chaos describes it perfectly.

blake1989

Katie, thank you so much for your thoughts. There are so many great things to process in what you said. I've thought about them all day. There is part of me that feels I dodged a bullet already, and I haven't really fully grieved because I've been mourning the loss of our relationship for months. I know that is why it is so hard for her to understand why it's so 'easy' for me to 'throw this away' in her words-- because I've been simultaneously abused and mourning my loss of her for a long time. And that is why I was tempted to respond to a new email asking 'please explain. i just don't understand. help me understand. i know i cut you off and said things i didn't mean'. But I have not responded. Today, my therapist said it's almost like she has fulfilled her job description with the way she's been treating me these past days. Actually, 'terrorizing' was the word my she used, and was concerned about the multiple calls from multiple alternate numbers.

It is remarkable the way you describe the circle visualization technique. I didn't think of it at the time, but I think that mindset is how I came to my ultimate decision point. For the first time, I watched my ex try to 'hang out' with me as she drank glass after glass of wine. This was a month after the hitting, but I hadn't told her about that yet because I was so shell shocked, especially because she hit me in the face when I said 'i love you'. I decided to watch everything from afar and sat away from her because let's face it, we aren't having any conversations or a quiet night in at that point. What I observed was a desperate, fragile, sometimes violent person; I felt her holding on for dear life and the scary part is she probably is doing the very best she can at this time, and *this* is how ill I was feeling when she does her best. Throwing cd's around, cursing different imaginary people/voices, she threw a cd case at me and narrowly missed my eye claiming it was accidental, singing along to songs with her mouth on the stereo speaker grill, pounding her fists on the dinner table with her eyes rolling back in her head. I think I will need to go back in time and look at other times from outside the circle.

I have started looking at the bpd forum leaving section after you and Hammer recommended it.

I know, too, exactly what you mean about retraining the brain. I actually feel cognitively stunted. My therapist tells me this is actually real because my fight or flight response has been so heavily engaged for so long. I'm sure many of us here know a lot about this.

I am taking your advice and visiting my best friend from college this weekend. No plans but maybe an Olympics party and some movies.

You and everyone else here are in my thankful thoughts and prayers, too.

spiderqueen

UGGH. My X said, "You always had one foot out the door anyway". Damn straight I did, after the FIRST time I found him passed out having pissed himself. How crazy of me to start looking for an exit!!!! DUH!

I, too, missed and mourned him for months during his various drunken binges where he was TOTALLY unavailable to me, and busily endangering himself.

Ours is the normal response, Blake. But somehow we let them convince us that we're the crazy, unstable ones.

Let's pledge together to never be put in that position again, ok?

Take care, have a great, relaxing time with your friend.

blake1989

You have my pledge on that, spiderqueen. Funny. In her last angry drunken voicemail before I changed my number (and hours after emailing that she'd never drink again) she said 'you're f***ed up - you are SO f***ed up'. Maybe my picker is, but I'm willing to work hard on that. For a second I really believed her - that I was the one being crazy here. I was just protecting myself.

SeasonlessWorld

This!!!