Katiekate

Hey, I am so glad you are getting away from it for the weekend.

It is okay to let this all go for a few days.

I remember being here or there, and feeling calm and centered and thinking, oh , yeah this is what it feels like to be normal.

I was so turned around for a couple of years living in the chaos that was my relationship.

It is truly a one day at a time kind of thing, you have done some really intense processing here, take a mini vacation from it and enjoy sometime with a non volatile friend,

And blake, engaging , for me always led to more upset and confusion.

You have the support of this entire community, don't forget that.

Good food, good rest, nature, a bit of exercise, and the company of people who truly care about you, it's a good prescription.

Take care. Katie

blake1989

I've been doing better, on edge, but getting my appetite back, finally made it to the gym for the first time this year. Today I got a package with all my stuff from her. It had a note with the one thing I used to hope to hear her say. "I'm seeking help."

Those words are so powerful on me because she always said she would die before getting help.

It was a very soberly written note (I can even tell from her writing when she's been drinking), saying that her own problems 'just got in the way I guess.' and that she struggles with her 'own demons' and 'ended up taking it out on the person that meant the most to me in the entire world.' The note started out saying she doesn't fully understand what's going on. That she made a lot of mistakes and it's hard to live with them. And that this is her worst nightmare.

To me it's different than the emails, but I am reminded of the abusive voicemails and one email in amongst so many 'nice' emails telling me 'it's your loss'.

I don't know what to do. I so wanted to tell her why I decided what I decided. You all and my therapist helped me understand why I don't 'owe' an explanation. But this note made me feel her heartache and I wonder if a letter helping her remember the threats to punch me, the name calling, the actual hitting, etc. would help her 'fully understand', and if she's truly seeking help perhaps it would be useful to her. Or am I getting into violating the 3 c's territory here. help me.

AlcoholicLove

I think she's just reeling you in again-nothing else has worked so far Blake.

One of my favorite saying here is "More Will Be Revealed" and it's usually true.....

readerbaby71

She knows why you ended it. No need to reiterate it. I'm sorry you're hurting. I truly hope this is a wake-up call for her, but you cannot be involved in her life and be emotionally healthy. Take care of yourself. xoxox

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

When you have a moment, you might find this article helpful, blake. It's about all those little things that active alcoholics do to keep us 'in place'.

spiderqueen

I really have to agree with readerbaby, Blake.

If by some miracle, this whole ordeal has caused her to "wake up", and seek the help she needs, it would be months and months before she would be healthy enough to really internalize anything you have to say.

But more important than that is YOUR mental health, your security and well-being, which was deeply compromised by this woman. Dredging it up in a letter, trying to "explain", is a way for you to stay engaged with something very unhealthy for you.

Dear Blake, please know I understand first hand the incredible pull we feel toward our addicted loved one when they start throwing around words we so desperately have wanted to hear. "I was wrong", "I am seeking help", "I have lost the most precious thing - YOU", etc. I have fallen for this more times than I care to admit.

If you write that letter, don't send it. Keep it, so you can read and re-read all the abusive crap you had to deal with, and be glad you aren't on the receiving end of it anymore.

(hugs)

blake1989

Thank you all. I've written her a huge letter, a working letter, that was never sent. I add to it as therapy. It's 6 pages now. My therapist had me write her a letter and never send it as a 'first goodbye'.

Thank you RB and Spiderqueen. Just yesterday I'm giving advice on here, doing great at work, now I can't function because I have some hope or heard those words that give me hope.

I have always tried to protect her and not quote her too much because I'm so internet paranoid, but this freaking note is tormenting me. I almost knew it was coming. I am having to read and reread your replies and internalize them. This is what her note said. This was the whole note. I guess, in this moment of weakness and torment, I want you guys, my support network, to see it.

"Dear Blake, I really don't fully understand this. I know that I made a lot of mistakes. It's hard to live with that. I've been having an extremely awful, horrible time dealing with this. I lost my soul mate and my best friend. I am beyond heartbroken. Words cannot describe the pain and loss that I feel. This is my worst nightmare that I don't wake up from. I will Always love you. If only I could turn back time. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to cherish you always. My own problems just got in the way I guess. I struggle with my own demons and I ended up taking it out on the person that meant the most to me in the entire world. I am seeking help. This pain is unbearable. I don't see myself with anyone ever again. Thank you for my things. Sorry you felt the need to entirely erase/delete me. With love always,"

readerbaby71

It's rough but you'll get through it, Blake. I'm sorry but "My own problems just got in the way I guess" doesn't cut it. I'm glad she wasn't abusive toward you but she is trying to guilt-trip and manipulate you. Like I said, I hope she gets the help she needs but it's not your problem anymore.

Sending huge HUGS your way. You are going to be okay. You're already well on your way.

LoveMeNow

Oh Blake, I have received so many, many similar notes, emails, cards etc. I fell for it each and every time. I believed my addicted loved was unique, our love was special and we could over come "this" together. Nothing ever changed. I continued to accommodate his disease (and my codependency) and he continued to manipulate me. It was a vicious cycle of utter hell. Please be careful.

Danae

I'm with ReaderBaby on this.

Sorry you are so torn up about this.

Notice, however, that the letter is mostly about her, and her feelings, and her pain. And less about you---except how you make her feel. It seems much like what I'd expect.

I hope you don't respond, because I don't think it will help you...or her.

But glad that you shared it with us, so we can see how difficult this is.

Hawkeye13

Hi Blake;
I'm sorry you are hurting.

Do not respond. It will all start again if you do.

Please put your own recovery as your priority.

You cannot help her--she must finally, really choose to help herself.

Seren

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

- C.S. Lewis

If she had a steady wish for your good, blake, I think she would be more concerned for your feelings than attempting to alleviate hers.

blake1989

at the end of the day, it really doesn't cut it, you're right RB. I would never say "I guess" to anyone in my life. I say what I mean, and mean what I say - there is no guessing. It is always 'i guess'. it's anyone's guess. it's her guess or my guess. It was my guess whether we'd have a sober night watching a movie or absolute mayhem. "I guess" has a lot of power here... I don't mean to sound angry. I am trying to play devil's advocate for my/our own benefit. I don't tell my friend, or my boss, I'll see you at 3pm, I guess. And it was like that. I guessed a lot. She was so loyal and i didn't guess a lot of the time, but somehow was left guessing all the time. what a mindf***

readerbaby71

You have every right to be angry. That "I guess" BS really pisses me off too.

blake1989

That is powerful. When I was little my mom made me rewrite my letters to my grandfather because I started too many sentences with "I". Whole different story on my rise to codependent greatness lol..

My friends aren't totally in tune with my situation like you guys are. And they are far away from me. I have one friend though, who has read what she has said. He is a doctor and did some residency in addiction medicine. He just read her note and said it reads like "I need my fix" and not really about me.

Katiekate

Give it some time Blake.

It was a rattling letter for sure.

One of last notes i got from my ex said something like this.

When you left today I felt like I was going to break down.
I guess it's time for you to understand just how much you mean to me.

This was followed by the most radical and soul stretching abusive communication via email, phone messages, calling my parents,(my dad had just been diagnosed with cancer) calling my brother.

You said you didn't know what to do, do nothing. Just sit with it for now, let some time pass so you can process and see the truth, your truth.

We are here blake, I'm so sorry you are in pain.

Katie xo

wolfpackfan45

Blake, so sorry to hear of your pain. You're not alone. My daughter just called her wedding off and broke up with her fiance because of his alcohol problems. He is in denial and she is heartbroken. Her brother is a recovering alcoholic and she's seen the pain we've lived through because of it. She was in denial too for a long while and thought she could help him. But she can't fix him , he has to fix himself, and I'm forever grateful she finally realized that. She finally moved out of the apartment they shared and refuses to have any contact with him. Some days she calls me crying and others she seems okay with it all. She's a surgeon and had to take a week's leave of absence in order to get through the emotional part of it all. She couldn't get out of bed to work. When she was moving out he left little notes around begging her and trying to play on her sympathy. Told her he'd change, etc. which she'd heard many times before after he'd been in a drunken rage. I worried myself sick thinking she'd fall for more of his immature and sick tricks. Typical alkie behavior. She's in counseling and I think her counselor has helped her to see that this guy had a lot of problems that would take years to get better. Time heals all pain. I really wish the best for you in the future.

AnvilheadII

blake, here's a flip side story. so my last husband, mike, he and I were together a total of 14 years. we met when he had 3 years clean in NA and I had a little over a year in AA. perfect right, the recovery couple? and yeah, that was how it was for a long time....he's a very GOOD man, worked with others, attended tons of meetings, was the featured speaker at the NA world convention in Portland Oregon at the Rose Coliseum.

we got married at about 7 years in. i knew on that day i had made a mistake. i really didn't want to get married, but dangit he asked while we were at High Tea at the Empress Hotel in Victoria!! and how do you say no?

shortly after we wed, i chose to start drinking again. long story here, but i hid it for a long time, then fessed up, and on it went.

i spent 7 years plotting my escape. i made sure our bills were paid down, cut back on expenses, and kept a spreadsheet - how much i would need to be ok, how much he needed to afford the house we bought, as i planned on leaving him the house.....and i'd run that spreadsheet periodically and it would say NOPE not yet.

during all ths, me going out drinking and dancing, i still did my VERY best to be a GOOD wife. i took care of him, the house, i treated him well, hell i'd talk to his sponsees when they'd call if he wasn't there. nobody outside KNEW there was trouble.

and then finally, one day, the spreadsheet said i could go! and so i planned the TALK with Mike, what i would say, how heartbroken he'd be, what he would say, he'd beg of course, maybe cry, i'd be compassionate but firm.....had the whole scenario in my head. i HAD after all been a good wife.

so we sit down to have the TALK

me - i think i need to move out for awhile. (ok, so not quite correct, but i was trying to go easy on him).

him - hmm, when?

me - probably in the next couple of weeks.

him - do you need to borrow my truck?

that was it. do i need his truck? no begging, pleading, crying, oh baby oh baby...nope....do you need any help getting your @ss out.

endings never go the way we think. we are always caught off guard. we can do it RIGHT (ie i was leaving him the house! and made sure we were both financially sound before considering leaving) and still get a response we were not anticipating. but that just muddles the real issue, that WE were ready to leave and did so.

blake1989

A steady wish. I know she had a wish. Geez, she gave me self defense stuff (a knife, mace, and a whistle) as a gift because she was worried for my safety in the 'big city'. And all I could think is 'you're the only person who has hit me in decades'. But the wish was/is not steady. you have helped me see that.

FlippedRHalo

I'm so sorry. I know this is so hard for you. This is the reason I kept going back. The heart wrenching pleas, the promises to change and the I can't live without yous. They always sounded so sincere and I swore that he and I would be different than the couples who couldn't work it out. Nobody could tell me that we weren't different - he loved me enough to really change.

.......and yet, you see where I am right now, right? Crumbled, broken and trying to pick up one small piece at a time without cutting myself wide open.

He promised me the world - I wanted to believe him so, so, so badly. It never sticks Blake, they're just great at telling us what we want to hear in order to get us back where they want us, only to destroy us again.

I don't know about you, but I think I'm more hurt thinking that he is hurt right now than I am thinking about my own hurt. That's a problem. They KNOW we can't stand knowing that they're hurting - they KNOW it, and, they use it.

Please don't give in - trust me on this Blake. I gave in numerous times and it landed me right back to where I started, only a bit worse each time because you desperately want to believe that it's going to be different and you hang a little more hope on it.

Be strong... we're having a 'let's get through it' day/night and you can make it through it just like I did yesterday. You're going to be ok.