I left her. heartbroken.

Old 02-12-2014, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by blake1989 View Post
Thank you all. I've written her a huge letter, a working letter, that was never sent. I add to it as therapy. It's 6 pages now. My therapist had me write her a letter and never send it as a 'first goodbye'.

Thank you RB and Spiderqueen. Just yesterday I'm giving advice on here, doing great at work, now I can't function because I have some hope or heard those words that give me hope.

I have always tried to protect her and not quote her too much because I'm so internet paranoid, but this freaking note is tormenting me. I almost knew it was coming. I am having to read and reread your replies and internalize them. This is what her note said. This was the whole note. I guess, in this moment of weakness and torment, I want you guys, my support network, to see it.

"Dear Blake, I really don't fully understand this. I know that I made a lot of mistakes. It's hard to live with that. I've been having an extremely awful, horrible time dealing with this. I lost my soul mate and my best friend. I am beyond heartbroken. Words cannot describe the pain and loss that I feel. This is my worst nightmare that I don't wake up from. I will Always love you. If only I could turn back time. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to cherish you always. My own problems just got in the way I guess. I struggle with my own demons and I ended up taking it out on the person that meant the most to me in the entire world. I am seeking help. This pain is unbearable. I don't see myself with anyone ever again. Thank you for my things. Sorry you felt the need to entirely erase/delete me. With love always,"
"Sorry you felt the need to entirely erase/delete me"

WTH?????
This sentence made me SO ANGRY!!!
She is putting this on YOU???
I can't even see straight after reading this-typical A, transferring blame....
Blech.
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:37 PM
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Thank you for sharing that story Anvilhead. I'm always glad I post when I hesitate here. I know you're right. I was ready to leave, and I tried to do everything right always. But the response was out of my control, and not what I anticipated. Thank you for the much needed strength and clarity today. I'm thankful for you all.
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted by AlcoholicLove View Post
"Sorry you felt the need to entirely erase/delete me"

WTH?????
This sentence made me SO ANGRY!!!
She is putting this on YOU???
I can't even see straight after reading this-typical A, transferring blame....
Blech.
it blindsided me too. I'm sorry, desperately sorry, I 'felt the need' to cut her off. But I felt the need. Need for survival. didn't want to do it. had to do it. Hmm. It's so strange...the codependent in me immediately thought 'i'm being too cruel' when I read that. Suppose that's the desired effect.
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Old 02-12-2014, 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
I'm so sorry. I know this is so hard for you. This is the reason I kept going back. The heart wrenching pleas, the promises to change and the I can't live without yous. They always sounded so sincere and I swore that he and I would be different than the couples who couldn't work it out. Nobody could tell me that we weren't different - he loved me enough to really change.

.......and yet, you see where I am right now, right? Crumbled, broken and trying to pick up one small piece at a time without cutting myself wide open.

He promised me the world - I wanted to believe him so, so, so badly. It never sticks Blake, they're just great at telling us what we want to hear in order to get us back where they want us, only to destroy us again.

I don't know about you, but I think I'm more hurt thinking that he is hurt right now than I am thinking about my own hurt. That's a problem. They KNOW we can't stand knowing that they're hurting - they KNOW it, and, they use it.

Please don't give in - trust me on this Blake. I gave in numerous times and it landed me right back to where I started, only a bit worse each time because you desperately want to believe that it's going to be different and you hang a little more hope on it.

Be strong... we're having a 'let's get through it' day/night and you can make it through it just like I did yesterday. You're going to be ok.
Hey Halo. Thank you so much. I totally am right there with you. You're right. That's a problem that we are thinking about their hurt more than our own. I've been picking up the pieces as you have, one at a time, one day at a time, one load of laundry at a time, one meal I used to not eat at a time, one propanolol for my racing heart at a time. Yet I still picture her at the post office, handwriting this note, crying, driving her car after a long night shift. I used to set my alarm at 4am just to see how she was doing at work...sheesh. All this pity/empathy/codependent junk. I used to tell my friends pity is a useless emotion. And look where I am. Crumbled and broken, as you say. She promised me the world too. And to be fair, I promised it to her as well, which made it so hard to leave feeling like I was going back on my promise. Maybe the world is not something to be promised lol. It can only get better. The sweet relief is I know that's true if we stay strong. Let's get through it.
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Old 02-13-2014, 04:45 AM
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I hope you're doing a little better this morning Blake.

I know the feeling, all too well, of sitting there imagining them hurting, all alone and needing us. But, it wasn't us that couldn't work things out - God knows we tried to the point of exhaustion.
We're broken, they're broken - there's just a whole lot of broken going on.

I woke up to a text from him at 5 am. Not sure at this point which is worse.... the 2 days I heard nothing, or seeing the desperation in his message and knowing I can't do anything about it.

It's not going to be a good day - I feel like my phone is the enemy right now and I'm afraid to go near it. It would be too easy to get it all started again with just one text back from me, but I know where that leads and I have to fight. You have to fight. We have to fight for ourselves. We deserve more, honestly we do.

Hang in there - keep breathing - one minute at a time until we get stronger.
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Old 02-13-2014, 11:51 AM
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Thank you Halo. I'm sorry that you are in that 'enemy phone' territory. The two or so weeks I had of it felt like months. I did change my number. It felt, and still feels so extremely cruel. The same phone we said our I love yous on, all those texts, pictures together that I purposely am not reviewing. When she would black out, she often would say 'I'm broken.' I thought I had to be the only one to hear such things in a relationship.

I want to share something with you that someone wrote to me. I don't know very many people at all in my area, so SR and my therapist are a massive component of my support network, plus my friends in far off places. But I have 1 very compassionate, wise friend at my job who has heard about my situation for months and gently suggested it was not doing me well. He is the one who offered to let me stay with him and his family after the breakup. I'm sure he wouldn't mind my posting this, so consider it just another reply to my/our situation. It is just another way of saying what has been said many times here. Sometimes it is good to hear things in different ways when we are still enmeshed and 'attuned', as my therapist says.

'Stay true to your plan of action.
Don’t torture yourself by reading/listening.
She will move on…it just may take a little while. You are doing what you need to to insulate yourself and you need to keep doing it. Do not give her the opportunity to engage.

Under other circumstances, I might have suggested means to dissuade her. She is filling all the empty air with her desperation, frustration, and attempts at blind manipulation. I don’t think you would succeed in dissuading her though…her hooks into you are too strong and any engagement will only feed the monster. She is way too savvy at sucking you back in…your anguish over what you have read/heard attests to that. Send everything to her, immediately with no discussion. Every action you take should serve only to disengage further.

She is poison for you at this point. In any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win.

You can hope she gets help and has a healthy relationship down the road, but that cannot be you. You could never trust that she changed, and I think your history together makes it impossible for her to fix herself with you. You tolerated way too much.'

Still. It is easier said than done. One day at a time. We tried to the point of exhaustion, you are right. I have to tell myself that my words may not even be received if I did engage, and they could ignite a new firestorm, the nature of which I cannot fathom. I can still feel the fire raging in the distance. As Spiderqueen says, it would be months and months before she'd be healthy enough to receive my thoughts and feelings. I don't know what 'i'm seeking help' entails for her for her, but I pray for her.
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Old 02-14-2014, 06:06 AM
  # 167 (permalink)  
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Hang in there Blake, this is just classic manipulative behavior.

P.S She's not "broken" she's just injured.



Originally Posted by blake1989 View Post
Thank you Halo. I'm sorry that you are in that 'enemy phone' territory. The two or so weeks I had of it felt like months. I did change my number. It felt, and still feels so extremely cruel. The same phone we said our I love yous on, all those texts, pictures together that I purposely am not reviewing. When she would black out, she often would say 'I'm broken.' I thought I had to be the only one to hear such things in a relationship.

I want to share something with you that someone wrote to me. I don't know very many people at all in my area, so SR and my therapist are a massive component of my support network, plus my friends in far off places. But I have 1 very compassionate, wise friend at my job who has heard about my situation for months and gently suggested it was not doing me well. He is the one who offered to let me stay with him and his family after the breakup. I'm sure he wouldn't mind my posting this, so consider it just another reply to my/our situation. It is just another way of saying what has been said many times here. Sometimes it is good to hear things in different ways when we are still enmeshed and 'attuned', as my therapist says.

'Stay true to your plan of action.
Don’t torture yourself by reading/listening.
She will move on…it just may take a little while. You are doing what you need to to insulate yourself and you need to keep doing it. Do not give her the opportunity to engage.

Under other circumstances, I might have suggested means to dissuade her. She is filling all the empty air with her desperation, frustration, and attempts at blind manipulation. I don’t think you would succeed in dissuading her though…her hooks into you are too strong and any engagement will only feed the monster. She is way too savvy at sucking you back in…your anguish over what you have read/heard attests to that. Send everything to her, immediately with no discussion. Every action you take should serve only to disengage further.

She is poison for you at this point. In any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win.

You can hope she gets help and has a healthy relationship down the road, but that cannot be you. You could never trust that she changed, and I think your history together makes it impossible for her to fix herself with you. You tolerated way too much.'

Still. It is easier said than done. One day at a time. We tried to the point of exhaustion, you are right. I have to tell myself that my words may not even be received if I did engage, and they could ignite a new firestorm, the nature of which I cannot fathom. I can still feel the fire raging in the distance. As Spiderqueen says, it would be months and months before she'd be healthy enough to receive my thoughts and feelings. I don't know what 'i'm seeking help' entails for her for her, but I pray for her.
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by blake1989 View Post
You can hope she gets help and has a healthy relationship down the road, but that cannot be you. You could never trust that she changed, and I think your history together makes it impossible for her to fix herself with you. You tolerated way too much.

This sounds like a very caring and wise friend.

You know that old saying that goes something like, "some people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime?" You are obviously a romantic at heart Blake, have you considered that she just wasn't meant to be a "lifetimer" and that while you might have absolutely been destined to meet, that you HAVE served your purposes to each other? That you WERE an intregral part of what she needs in her life, but that she may not feel the impact or appreciate it until later, after she has faced other demons in her path that have nothing at all to do with you?

Hope today is a great day for you - you've been making such great progress!!
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Old 02-14-2014, 08:37 AM
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Hi Blake, I don't have a lot to add as I haven't been through what you are going through. But I've read your posts with compassion and have been a silent supporter. I thought I should let you know that you probably have many silent supporters. I too hope you will cut your losses and move on to a happier relationship, once you have worked on that codependent tendency.

Perhaps I feel invested in your situation because my mom was there for ten years when I was a child. I lived in chaos and fear all those years. Mom would tell me we were leaving and pack our bags, I'd think hope had come at last. But he always managed to say something, threaten something to make her stay. It got worse and worse. If you ever want to have kids some day, think of them and learn how to draw the line now so that you are not learning with their impressionable hearts at stake. You can do it!
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Old 02-14-2014, 08:38 AM
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Blake you seem to be focusing a lot on the phrase "I am seeking help". From your posts, it sounds like the statement gave you a renewed hope and now maybe it is tormenting you that you may have acted too soon.

Well, just because someone says they are seeking help does not mean all the problems are going to be solved and there will a happy ending. We can't assume that.
Only 3 of 10 who leave rehab stay sober. It's estimated only 3 of 10 succeed in any program. The stats are depressing. And, remember she didn't say she has found help, or is starting with anything. "Seeking" can turn into a whole lot of nothing.

It is hopeful that she is acknowledging, but it may not mean she is going to act on it.
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Old 02-14-2014, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by blake1989 View Post
"Dear Blake, I really don't fully understand this. I know that I made a lot of mistakes. It's hard to live with that. I've been having an extremely awful, horrible time dealing with this. I lost my soul mate and my best friend. I am beyond heartbroken. Words cannot describe the pain and loss that I feel. This is my worst nightmare that I don't wake up from. I will Always love you. If only I could turn back time. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to cherish you always. My own problems just got in the way I guess. I struggle with my own demons and I ended up taking it out on the person that meant the most to me in the entire world. I am seeking help. This pain is unbearable. I don't see myself with anyone ever again. Thank you for my things. Sorry you felt the need to entirely erase/delete me. With love always,"
Sorry Blake, but she is SOOO full of it and to add that "I guess" is just downright INSULTING how she's minimizing you and your feelings. And her meager "I am getting help"... hmmmm... ok, good for her (if it's true) but that's on her and should mean nothing to you at this point. (ps. she's still trying to manipulate you through and through with every word IMHO)
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Old 02-16-2014, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by littlefish View Post
Blake you seem to be focusing a lot on the phrase "I am seeking help". From your posts, it sounds like the statement gave you a renewed hope and now maybe it is tormenting you that you may have acted too soon.

Well, just because someone says they are seeking help does not mean all the problems are going to be solved and there will a happy ending. We can't assume that.
Only 3 of 10 who leave rehab stay sober. It's estimated only 3 of 10 succeed in any program. The stats are depressing. And, remember she didn't say she has found help, or is starting with anything. "Seeking" can turn into a whole lot of nothing.

It is hopeful that she is acknowledging, but it may not mean she is going to act on it.
Thank you littlefish. I think you couldn't have summed it up better. That phrase was initially like magic to me, though with the help of the other replies I saw a bit more of what's going on in that letter, I believe. It's just hard - I never looked at this person as manipulating me, ever. I have taken days to internalize everyone's replies, which I'm so thankful for. On one of the most horrifying nights I ever spent with her, when her eyes were red and glassy and the effects looked more like how people on pcp are described, I cried on her lap and told her I'm losing her. It was the only time I asked her if she'd get help (this was long before I learned not to have 'talks' when they're drinking). She became alert and looked me in the eye and through clenched teeth said "I will never get help. I'll die before I ever do that." And then a tirade about the alcoholics she treats every day at her job at the inpatient rehab center. Telling me "it doesn't work. nothing works. i know all the secrets. i hear their meetings every day." So yeah, I don't know if she knew "I'm seeking help" would be super powerful to me, but it was.

To be honest, now that more smoke has cleared, 'seeking help' could mean a million things with her. It could mean talking to someone about her anger/violent tendencies, and leaving out the drinking as a topic. It could mean buying a book. I really have no idea what it means. My therapist believes that because of her past traumas and current drinking, her 'executive functioning' is sadly severely hindered, so your point about 'seeking' turning into nothing is well taken. I've seen that first hand in basic things like decision making and remembering things.

wackybunny - thank you. I'm a silent supporter of many many here. That brought a tear to my eyes.

Katie, Refiner, RB, Earthworm, AlcoholicLove - Thanks for making me take a second and third look at a letter I very nearly answered. I will just sit with it. Ofelie has written some amazing things (on my other thread) about no contact.

Firesprite - I absolutely am a romantic. Fine line between romantic and codependent I suppose (can you tell I just got a copy of Codependent No More lol). One of the ways I prepared myself to leave her was exactly as you described. She had already programmed me with this notion that everything happens for a reason, always talking about how we were meant to meet. She would refer to me as an angel that 'saved' her from destroying herself. I'm not so sure about that last part, but the saddest thought was the one that started to appear true - we were meant to meet so we could part ways with whatever we may have learned... I loved her enough to let her go.
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Old 02-17-2014, 06:55 AM
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Remember Blake:

MANIPULATIVE and MANIPULATION!

Actions speak louder than words. Writing a letter to you saying "I'm seeking help" is NOT an action.

And on top of it she works in a re-hab so she knows all the tricks.
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Old 02-17-2014, 07:46 AM
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Team Blake- Have you ever had a horrible cut? One that was so bad it required a big bandage with gauze? As you think how did the wound occurred you ask yourself why did I do that? if I didn't I would of never injured myself.

As the days go by and you clean the wound you really examine the cut. You start to notice the wound not as a wound but how the body looks underneath the cut. Then you realize how the body is amazing, things are happening cells are repairing all you have to do is keep it clean and wait. Then the skin heals on top. Most of the skin is back to the way it was prior but the scar will always be there. Then the best part the wound stops to ache. Life goes on and you don't think about it.
Blake you are wounded but if you keep picking at your wound and bringing yourself back to the scene you could re injure yourself. Keep cleaning your wound (al-anon, therapy etc) and watch the amazing way you begin to heal.
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