I left her. heartbroken.
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Blake please stay strong. My XABF now claims to want help for his drinking. My response was I will see you when you are on step nine (the making amends step). If he really wants help he can get to step 9 without me. For codependents like us it seems heartless to not respond to someone who claims to want help, but please remember not only have you tried to help her before so has her family. Her recovery has to be self guided if it is to work. If you are dead set on helping her think about it this way: letting her abuse you and not face consequences is fueling her addiction. Help her by walking away. Help yourself by figuring out what drew you to such an abusive situation. I am with you in spirit.
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blake, block her emails. for your sanity. her warped EGO doesn't want to let you go....I mean, how DARE anyone rebuke HER? this isn't about love, or a desire to change, it's about control and manipulation. she's trying to keep one of her enablers on a string...if you respond you play right into her game.
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I understand. I do. She wrote me another thanking me for everything and said I always treated her perfectly. She apologized for mistreating me and thanked me for 'letting' her know me. I guess I just wanted to know she was alive so I didn't block her emails. I know that sounds like an excuse. I left town for the weekend but I guess this is really manipulating my emotions even though I tried to get away. She sent me a 7 month old screen capture of our texts saying how much we love each other. That does feel manipulative. Thank you for drumming this into me. It's so counterintuitive to my tired mind.
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Originally Posted by blake1989
But this was chaos. In the end, I was taking anxiety meds just to visit her because I never knew what to expect, in debt because of a private weekly therapist my insurance hardly covers, I had constant stomach problems, I stopped exercising, I threw up some mornings, I missed work and got sick more frequently, I lost weight.
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I am. I guess one thing disturbing me is she told me not to send her any of her stuff. I guess that messed me up because I had a concrete plan to get it back to her as advised here. It's not like it's anything of significant value. Again it's just my legal paranoia. I'm sorry to bring this thread back
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Originally Posted by blake1989 
I am. I guess one thing disturbing me is she told me not to send her any of her stuff. I guess that messed me up because I had a concrete plan to get it back to her as advised here. It's not like it's anything of significant value. Again it's just my legal paranoia. I'm sorry to bring this thread back
After all, her stuff is still at your place, right?
Remember in this domain -- Feelings = Facts.
How she makes up her feelings are her facts.
What you say really has no meaning.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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And here is what will probably happen next, if you choose not to answer the texts.
the nasty texts will start to arrive, You will be the heartless SOB, POS, dirtbag. She will go on and on about what an awful, terrible person you, stating that she is glad to be rid of you, and on and on........
And with a flip of the switch, the I love you baby, i miss you baby, I am really trying here, will resume.
lather, rinse, repeat
I am glad to hear you got out of town for the weekend, a change of scenery is always good for what ails us.
When you are ready to end all contact with her, we will be right here. You see if nothing changes, nothing changes. Change begins with you, my friend.
Currently she is using those possessions as a way to stay connected, do not take the bait, pretty sure no one ever went to jail for holding someone's hairspray and make-up, besides the drug store has aisles, and aisles of health and beauty aids. it's not like there is a shortage.
this is just more noise coming out of her. blah, blah, blah, meaningless noise..............
the nasty texts will start to arrive, You will be the heartless SOB, POS, dirtbag. She will go on and on about what an awful, terrible person you, stating that she is glad to be rid of you, and on and on........
And with a flip of the switch, the I love you baby, i miss you baby, I am really trying here, will resume.
lather, rinse, repeat
I am glad to hear you got out of town for the weekend, a change of scenery is always good for what ails us.
When you are ready to end all contact with her, we will be right here. You see if nothing changes, nothing changes. Change begins with you, my friend.
Currently she is using those possessions as a way to stay connected, do not take the bait, pretty sure no one ever went to jail for holding someone's hairspray and make-up, besides the drug store has aisles, and aisles of health and beauty aids. it's not like there is a shortage.
this is just more noise coming out of her. blah, blah, blah, meaningless noise..............
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Thanks Marie and everyone. Danae, with the help/supervision of my friend I'm staying with, I responded to her question this morning before all these other emails: what should I do with your key? And do you want your clothes?
I said I don't need any of them, meaning she should get rid of them. But now you make me realize that was a misstep. I said I'll send her things back and she said she doesn't want them either. No request to hold on to them or anything
I said I don't need any of them, meaning she should get rid of them. But now you make me realize that was a misstep. I said I'll send her things back and she said she doesn't want them either. No request to hold on to them or anything
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You don't need to ask her about her things. You can box them up and mail them without her permission. Maybe you can't see it, but these talks about the stuff are just prolonging the agony. Of course she does't want her stuff, that would be another sign that you're serious. As long as you keep her things, she can tell herself that you're not serious about moving on.
If she wants to be sober, she will do it with or without you. She had many opportunities to get sober while dating you, she had no interest. This is classic A manipulation, and the perfect example of why we're all saying go No Contact. She is quacking, and will continue to do so as long as you allow it.
Not trying to be harsh, just really care that you find happiness.
If she wants to be sober, she will do it with or without you. She had many opportunities to get sober while dating you, she had no interest. This is classic A manipulation, and the perfect example of why we're all saying go No Contact. She is quacking, and will continue to do so as long as you allow it.
Not trying to be harsh, just really care that you find happiness.
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do you mean key to your house or hers? if it's to your house, KEEP IT. if it's hers, put it in the box with the REST of her belongings and ship it off. ASAP.
marie is right on about the tone of the texts/emails....when the sweet talk doesn't work (lots of use of the L word, pet names, remember whens...) then the onslaught of anger and hostility will ramp up. somewhere in there would be threat of self harm, or harm to you. it's classic textbook addict breakup drama...
enough is enough, blake. you will be amazed once you move thru this and get it behind you just how much LIFE you've been missing! you'll begin to notice the other 7.144 billion people on the planet....and of course the most important one......
YOU
marie is right on about the tone of the texts/emails....when the sweet talk doesn't work (lots of use of the L word, pet names, remember whens...) then the onslaught of anger and hostility will ramp up. somewhere in there would be threat of self harm, or harm to you. it's classic textbook addict breakup drama...
enough is enough, blake. you will be amazed once you move thru this and get it behind you just how much LIFE you've been missing! you'll begin to notice the other 7.144 billion people on the planet....and of course the most important one......
YOU
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Oh god. I told her to forget about my key because my locks were already changed and it won't work. But she doesn't know that. I'll mail her key back. Have not responded to anything. Thank you anvilhead for your bluntness. My mind obviously isn't firing on all cylinders still
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I would send back her stuff. If she doesn't want it, she can toss it. Get everything of hers out of your home. If she has a key to your place, change the locks. If you don't want the things of yours she has, fine, but send her stuff back.
Then...BLOCK her on your phone and email and any other communication device. Stop communicating with her. All it is doing is keeping you upset or causing you to worry about what she might do. In this case, ignorance is bliss. Block her. Please.
Then...BLOCK her on your phone and email and any other communication device. Stop communicating with her. All it is doing is keeping you upset or causing you to worry about what she might do. In this case, ignorance is bliss. Block her. Please.
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Those things that she used to say to you were just loaded with manipulation.
Even if she were to harm herself it's not your responsibility whether you are there or not there.
Good luck, one day at a time.
Even if she were to harm herself it's not your responsibility whether you are there or not there.
Good luck, one day at a time.
Originally Posted by blake1989
I finally did it. After all your support for months and months. After my slow, painful mental transition from the naive 'how can I help her so we can get married' to 'I need so much help and support myself', I called her and broke up with her. It was one of the hardest calls, one of the hardest things, I've ever had to do. She wanted so badly to have a house together, a kid at some point. She was the first person I ever imagined spending the rest of my life with. But this was chaos. In the end, I was taking anxiety meds just to visit her because I never knew what to expect, in debt because of a private weekly therapist my insurance hardly covers, I had constant stomach problems, I stopped exercising, I threw up some mornings, I missed work and got sick more frequently, I lost weight. She sent me happy faces and I love you texts, told me I was the love of her life, and made dinners and rented us movies so we could have 'healthy time' together. But that seemed more and more to be when she was trying to fix something terrible that had just happened.
I knew she was not drinking and was at her family's house, so I thought this was the time to take action. There was no crying. It was as if she was expecting this call and was almost nonchalant and emotionless in talking to me. I told her the one thing I hadn't told her - that she hit me in the face that one night a month ago – the worst night of our relationship. I told her other things about my fear that she'd hit me again last week (she said she never would have). She said 'Well I'm sorry I hit you. I don't remember, and I don't think I meant to.' She asked 'Do you think something has to be done about this?' I started to say "Yes. I can't be hit." But she interrupted me and said "I totally understand. I guess things have gotten pretty...bad. Good luck with everything, I hope you have a good life. I guess it was good while it lasted." Somewhere in there we said I love you to each other, and then she hung up on me while I was talking.
I hope my worries of self-harm on her side have been unfounded. She is still working but I am afraid of crazy texts of some sort once she starts her weekend this evening. I’m afraid she’ll do a lot of things. Just because the break up was so quiet, so nonchalant. I really just want to have quiet time but I can’t predict what will happen. I have seen and heard about her vengeful streak, and I hope that it is not directed towards me.
I learned the term 'quacking' when I came to SR. I didn't understand it and read threads to understand more. This vocabulary was new to me. She used to tell me 'you can't take anything I say seriously when I'm drinking', and then I thought I understood the quacking term. But I think because I wanted this relationship to work so badly, I used ‘quacking’ as a way to rationalize away some particular things she told me during her blackouts. She gave me warnings over and over. She told me to leave her. She gave me some of kind of dark cliff notes and I ignored it. Deep down, I know she is a decent, kind-hearted woman. I am so angry at the people who abused and mistreated her in her youth and left her with this trauma. I tried to do the total opposite, and give her a safe place, a place where she had no doubt she was loved. But despite everything, I still got hit. And I hated delivering the news to her that the reason I’m leaving is because I felt abused, though I never used that word. But she knew.
Some things that she said to me during blackouts that had been ringing in my ears forever:
"I will destroy your life. Get out while you can."
“I’m sick. I’m so sick. Just leave me.”
"I will hurt you over and over."
"I will die like this. I will never get help. I don't want help, because it doesn't work. No one can help me. Many have tried."
"I'm afraid we'll get married and I'll kill myself years down the road."
"You deserve so much better."
I couldn’t have gotten here without you all. I found myself thinking of all your screen names more and more. I was holding on for dear life. I’m so sad it had to be this way. But I hope you know how much you helped me. Thank you all.
I knew she was not drinking and was at her family's house, so I thought this was the time to take action. There was no crying. It was as if she was expecting this call and was almost nonchalant and emotionless in talking to me. I told her the one thing I hadn't told her - that she hit me in the face that one night a month ago – the worst night of our relationship. I told her other things about my fear that she'd hit me again last week (she said she never would have). She said 'Well I'm sorry I hit you. I don't remember, and I don't think I meant to.' She asked 'Do you think something has to be done about this?' I started to say "Yes. I can't be hit." But she interrupted me and said "I totally understand. I guess things have gotten pretty...bad. Good luck with everything, I hope you have a good life. I guess it was good while it lasted." Somewhere in there we said I love you to each other, and then she hung up on me while I was talking.
I hope my worries of self-harm on her side have been unfounded. She is still working but I am afraid of crazy texts of some sort once she starts her weekend this evening. I’m afraid she’ll do a lot of things. Just because the break up was so quiet, so nonchalant. I really just want to have quiet time but I can’t predict what will happen. I have seen and heard about her vengeful streak, and I hope that it is not directed towards me.
I learned the term 'quacking' when I came to SR. I didn't understand it and read threads to understand more. This vocabulary was new to me. She used to tell me 'you can't take anything I say seriously when I'm drinking', and then I thought I understood the quacking term. But I think because I wanted this relationship to work so badly, I used ‘quacking’ as a way to rationalize away some particular things she told me during her blackouts. She gave me warnings over and over. She told me to leave her. She gave me some of kind of dark cliff notes and I ignored it. Deep down, I know she is a decent, kind-hearted woman. I am so angry at the people who abused and mistreated her in her youth and left her with this trauma. I tried to do the total opposite, and give her a safe place, a place where she had no doubt she was loved. But despite everything, I still got hit. And I hated delivering the news to her that the reason I’m leaving is because I felt abused, though I never used that word. But she knew.
Some things that she said to me during blackouts that had been ringing in my ears forever:
"I will destroy your life. Get out while you can."
“I’m sick. I’m so sick. Just leave me.”
"I will hurt you over and over."
"I will die like this. I will never get help. I don't want help, because it doesn't work. No one can help me. Many have tried."
"I'm afraid we'll get married and I'll kill myself years down the road."
"You deserve so much better."
I couldn’t have gotten here without you all. I found myself thinking of all your screen names more and more. I was holding on for dear life. I’m so sad it had to be this way. But I hope you know how much you helped me. Thank you all.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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If your locks are already changed why are you going to mail her key back?
You don't need to.
You don't need to.
Originally Posted by blake1989
Oh god. I told her to forget about my key because my locks were already changed and it won't work. But she doesn't know that. I'll mail her key back. Have not responded to anything. Thank you anvilhead for your bluntness. My mind obviously isn't firing on all cylinders still
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Just send it back,don't listen to her. If you are serious you won't listen to her.
Originally Posted by blake1989
I am. I guess one thing disturbing me is she told me not to send her any of her stuff. I guess that messed me up because I had a concrete plan to get it back to her as advised here. It's not like it's anything of significant value. Again it's just my legal paranoia. I'm sorry to bring this thread back
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 3
Wow, Blake, come on stay strong! You can do it. I've been there with the bait and switch and my head is so clear from giving the final heave-ho to all the drama, ridiculous emails, yada, yada. Sending the crap back to her will be cathartic for you. Change your email address, change your phone number. I did all those things and am so so so happy now when I originally believed all the back and forth crap he was dishing out. My God does not want me to be someone's whipping post, He wants me to glorify Him, and I couldn't do that with that ridiculousness in my life. Praise the Lord and God Bless You!
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