blake1989

I finally did it. After all your support for months and months. After my slow, painful mental transition from the naive 'how can I help her so we can get married' to 'I need so much help and support myself', I called her and broke up with her. It was one of the hardest calls, one of the hardest things, I've ever had to do. She wanted so badly to have a house together, a kid at some point. She was the first person I ever imagined spending the rest of my life with. But this was chaos. In the end, I was taking anxiety meds just to visit her because I never knew what to expect, in debt because of a private weekly therapist my insurance hardly covers, I had constant stomach problems, I stopped exercising, I threw up some mornings, I missed work and got sick more frequently, I lost weight. She sent me happy faces and I love you texts, told me I was the love of her life, and made dinners and rented us movies so we could have 'healthy time' together. But that seemed more and more to be when she was trying to fix something terrible that had just happened.

I knew she was not drinking and was at her family's house, so I thought this was the time to take action. There was no crying. It was as if she was expecting this call and was almost nonchalant and emotionless in talking to me. I told her the one thing I hadn't told her - that she hit me in the face that one night a month ago – the worst night of our relationship. I told her other things about my fear that she'd hit me again last week (she said she never would have). She said 'Well I'm sorry I hit you. I don't remember, and I don't think I meant to.' She asked 'Do you think something has to be done about this?' I started to say "Yes. I can't be hit." But she interrupted me and said "I totally understand. I guess things have gotten pretty...bad. Good luck with everything, I hope you have a good life. I guess it was good while it lasted." Somewhere in there we said I love you to each other, and then she hung up on me while I was talking.

I hope my worries of self-harm on her side have been unfounded. She is still working but I am afraid of crazy texts of some sort once she starts her weekend this evening. I’m afraid she’ll do a lot of things. Just because the break up was so quiet, so nonchalant. I really just want to have quiet time but I can’t predict what will happen. I have seen and heard about her vengeful streak, and I hope that it is not directed towards me.

I learned the term 'quacking' when I came to SR. I didn't understand it and read threads to understand more. This vocabulary was new to me. She used to tell me 'you can't take anything I say seriously when I'm drinking', and then I thought I understood the quacking term. But I think because I wanted this relationship to work so badly, I used ‘quacking’ as a way to rationalize away some particular things she told me during her blackouts. She gave me warnings over and over. She told me to leave her. She gave me some of kind of dark cliff notes and I ignored it. Deep down, I know she is a decent, kind-hearted woman. I am so angry at the people who abused and mistreated her in her youth and left her with this trauma. I tried to do the total opposite, and give her a safe place, a place where she had no doubt she was loved. But despite everything, I still got hit. And I hated delivering the news to her that the reason I’m leaving is because I felt abused, though I never used that word. But she knew.

Some things that she said to me during blackouts that had been ringing in my ears forever:

"I will destroy your life. Get out while you can."
“I’m sick. I’m so sick. Just leave me.”
"I will hurt you over and over."
"I will die like this. I will never get help. I don't want help, because it doesn't work. No one can help me. Many have tried."
"I'm afraid we'll get married and I'll kill myself years down the road."
"You deserve so much better."

I couldn’t have gotten here without you all. I found myself thinking of all your screen names more and more. I was holding on for dear life. I’m so sad it had to be this way. But I hope you know how much you helped me. Thank you all.

readerbaby71

Blake, please take good care of yourself and know that you did the right thing. Wishing you much strength and healing. xoxoxox

MyBetterWorld

Blake......that was a very hard, very brave thing to do.
What might be even harder will be not engaging if she does start up with the texts and calls. In the long run it will be so much better for you not to do that. Make it a clean break. Get back to being yourself and take care!

jlschultz

Thank you for showing me the damage that we alcoholics cause the people we love. Best reason to quit I've heard so far. Thank you for that. You helped me immensely today. And I'm sorry you're in pain.

Hammer

It is so strange how the fully sedated persona is the only one that can fully speak truth. Been there for these episodes, as well.

Thank you for disengaging, and not "fully" ever becoming one of *us* (sorry if that sounds bad) nor bringing kids into this.

Thank you.

Now. Go dream other dreams, and better.

Hawkeye13

Hi Blake;
I'm sorry for you and for her. Both of you are hurting because of addiction.

You did the right thing--I hope she reaches out for help herself one day.
Meanwhile, do take care of yourself and be well.

BoxinRotz

Block her # right now before the text start and she gains momentum in guilt tripping you.

Pia

Blake1989-
In the end, I was taking anxiety meds just to visit her because I never knew what to expect, in debt because of a private weekly therapist my insurance hardly covers, I had constant stomach problems, I stopped exercising, I threw up some mornings, I missed work and got sick more frequently, I lost weight.

This was me for years- You are much wiser than I, my husband made me think everything was me, Alcohol and Drugs were never on my radar.
I ended things and feel so much better I am off Anxiety meds and went back to my size 6 with months of hard work at the gym. I have days I still feel sad but I try not to focus on nostalgia and realize what I wanted is not what I actually had.
Once things sink in for her be careful. I recommend going no contact , block her number change your ring tone. I changed mine to Narcissist lol with the ring tone "don't answer it "but you know what's best for you. Keep posting .
I really hope she realizes she needs help and gets the help she needs.

Danae

Blake,

I hope you give yourself credit for how far you've come. Truly amazing. And your writing about your journey will likely help others who are in similar situations.

But again, that you've made it through to the other side of this is admirable. Stay strong if you start to get texts or any other communications.

Danae

lillamy

((((hugs))))) blake. That's an awfully hard thing to do.
You know, it would be OK to block her texts. You need to take care of yourself.

blake1989

Thank you all. Truly couldn't have come to this healthier decision without you, so it's hard to take all the credit. Now if I could only stop crying at work. I can only tell my boss I have allergies so much lol. have to laugh at something..

I don't know why I'm so hung up on the texts. I have this paranoia about legal documents. I'm scared she'll get drunk and say 'hey you know you assaulted me too' or something, just to make me feel bad or make me feel the pain she's feeling. She always said when she drinks she likes to make things up. i don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid from months of my brain feeling like it's fried from fear and anxiety. I have a lot of her possessions too. I haven't seen her in nearly 2 weeks now.

LvWrAM123

Wow-so bittersweet. I am glad you were able to find the strength to save yourself from this challenging situation. As I'm sure you read on here, this is a progressive diease and takes out a lot of collateral damage along the way.

I hope your heart heals and you go on to fall in love with a healthy partner who can be the kind of relationship partener you are looking for.

I hope your girlfriend was wrong about herself, and one day finds her strength and reaches out for help to heal herself.

Take care of yourself-

SparkleKitty

No new contact = no new hurts. You are allowed to disengage while you are grieving, and it might help you tremendously to do so. The first step in untangling from a relationship is recognizing all the ways you are still enmeshed -- expectations, worries, things left behind. If there is any aftermath drama that she stirs up from this, you will be in a better place to handle it objectively if you are not still in close contact.

Time to take care of you first, my friend.

Recovering2

Reading your description of how this disease affected you brings back memories for me. I was nauseated, headaches, insomnia, stress, etc. I learned this is a "contagious" disease, in that we also get sick from dealing with the A. I'm glad to hear you're moving on and finally taking care of you. I agree with the others, the next step is to block the texts/emails/phone calls. There is no purpose in getting those at this point. It will only serve to make you anxious...will she text? Will she call? Then when she does, you will worry about what she says. If you block, then you know not to expect anything and you can put that aside.
I truly wish you the best life has to offer you.

marie1960

hey buddy, hang in there.

As I have said before, threats of self harm are serious, and should be treated as such.

BUT and here is, the big BUT, I see lots of attention seeking DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA with her.

And while,

No one here has a crystal ball, we cannot predict her future actions or choices. You my friend have exceeded and endured all you ever need to subject yourself with her.

You have compromised your health and well being, clearly she does NOT want help. The writing is on the wall with this one, do yourself a favor, and let this one go...........

YOU are not her keeper, YOU are not responsible for her, it would serve YOU best to block her number, do NOT read those text, I repeat do NOT read those texts that will probably start chiming in this evening.

As difficult as today is, hope you can take a huge leap of faith, find some acceptance for yourself, stick to the facts, don't let your emotions rule. It is what it is my friend, and it's going to play out exactly as it must.

If you are serious about being done, be done, but it does involve a commitment to yourself, no texts, no phone calls, no smoke signals........

Stay focused, I'm rooting for you!

RollTide

Blake,

I commend your courage. I only wish I had done the same thing and walked away from my XAH much sooner. At this point please take care of yourself and completely disengage with her. Don't allow her the opportunity to make you feel guilty or to accuse you of something.

doggonecarl

I love reading posts that show the person posting making significant progress and moving in a positive direction that is beneficial to their health and well being.

It couldn't have been easy, but well done.

BoxinRotz

She is hooking you. Ya know... baiting that hook and casting it out because in the past, she baited with several different scenarios and guess what?! Her threatening her life makes you run to her beck n call. She ain't stupid.

So go no contact. When ya tap out, you're out Dude.

Hammer

The escape tricks from a Borderline say you should bore them.

Flat affect, no real response, just dispassion.

That is what the books say.

Hope4Life

... for being strong enough to take your life back. I agree that you should block her number and go 100% no contact.

Take it one step further and pack up her stuff and ship it back to her.

((((((Blake)))))). You did the right thing. Good Luck to you.