Omg
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She ought to be going to school, being a kid, having fun with friends and instead she fears asking for help, screwing up and puts pressure on herself to be perfect. And now on top of that she has fear of not knowing if she'll see Daddy again and believes it's my fault.
The second part, you might have to talk to her about. Which is tricky, because you don't want to badmouth her dad to her. What I've told my kids -- because AXH has told them things like "I'm sad all the time because your mother took you away from me for no good reason" -- is the truth about alcoholism: That, like any disease, it is his choice whether he is going to get help or not, but that as long as he is not getting help, and as long as he is drinking, he is not healthy and the disease he's choosing to not seek help for is causing him to behave in ways that are not healthy for us to be around.
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lillamy- oh no... that makes me scared for D6 and D3.... they have issues that i always told myself they'd have if they were older and "knew" more of what was going on... my 6 yr old has the worries of a 50 yr old and is jumpy and if i didn't know better i'd think had ptsd symptoms... i've mentioned this to her T and been told it's possible... nothing at all about yesterday helped any of this... i think it's time i get D6 into T more than once every 2 weeks... 
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that makes me scared for D6 and D3.... they have issues that i always told myself they'd have if they were older and "knew" more of what was going on... my 6 yr old has the worries of a 50 yr old and is jumpy and if i didn't know better i'd think had ptsd symptoms...
Two of mine have been diagnosed with PTSD. I would say both of them (one in therapy every 2 weeks, the other is refusing therapy) have made tremendous strides over the past two years. And like Akrasia says -- I think the main thing is that they feel safe when they're with me, that they know they can reach me 24/7, and that they have a very well laid-out, rational action plan for different scenarios.
I do think it gets easier as they get older. I haven't had to tell them a darn thing about their father -- they started asking questions like "why should we go to Dad's house when all he does is watch football and drink beer with his friends?" and "he never does anything with us, so why does he want us there?"
And the worry and anxiety, we're working on in therapy. What's helped my kids a lot is understanding what their bodies and brains are doing when they get anxious and worried -- pure biology -- and that they need to use their rational minds to assess whether there is an immediate danger (if so, take action) or whether there isn't (in which case they go to their "happy place" and do yoga breathing until it passes).
They WILL get through this and they WILL be functional, happy people because they have you.
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WTBH,
Stick to your guns, also, I don't know if you have a Harbor Freight Tools in your area, but they have inexpensive security products, door jamb alarms, door handle jiggle alarms, they even have night vision security cameras for 40.00
Also, if you cannot get security equipment then I would screw or nail that door shut.
If that is not a possibility then stack up empty soda cans inside that door, at least that will buy you some time to get the kids together and get out the front door. Use your imagination or better yet watch the movie Home Alone for some ideas.
Stay safe, you and the kids are in my prayers.
Bill
Stick to your guns, also, I don't know if you have a Harbor Freight Tools in your area, but they have inexpensive security products, door jamb alarms, door handle jiggle alarms, they even have night vision security cameras for 40.00
Also, if you cannot get security equipment then I would screw or nail that door shut.
If that is not a possibility then stack up empty soda cans inside that door, at least that will buy you some time to get the kids together and get out the front door. Use your imagination or better yet watch the movie Home Alone for some ideas.
Stay safe, you and the kids are in my prayers.
Bill
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Oh I did not mean at all to imply that you are making me feel worse!!!! Quite the opposite! I just sometimes still have a fleeting desire to bury my head in the sand and not face all of this (particularly the collateral damage done to the girls) head on... I am so grateful to you and so many others for sharing your personal experiences... and no one here ever makes me feel worse... Thanks for sharing all that you did! xo
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to make you feel worse.
Two of mine have been diagnosed with PTSD. I would say both of them (one in therapy every 2 weeks, the other is refusing therapy) have made tremendous strides over the past two years. And like Akrasia says -- I think the main thing is that they feel safe when they're with me, that they know they can reach me 24/7, and that they have a very well laid-out, rational action plan for different scenarios.
I do think it gets easier as they get older. I haven't had to tell them a darn thing about their father -- they started asking questions like "why should we go to Dad's house when all he does is watch football and drink beer with his friends?" and "he never does anything with us, so why does he want us there?"
And the worry and anxiety, we're working on in therapy. What's helped my kids a lot is understanding what their bodies and brains are doing when they get anxious and worried -- pure biology -- and that they need to use their rational minds to assess whether there is an immediate danger (if so, take action) or whether there isn't (in which case they go to their "happy place" and do yoga breathing until it passes).
They WILL get through this and they WILL be functional, happy people because they have you.
Two of mine have been diagnosed with PTSD. I would say both of them (one in therapy every 2 weeks, the other is refusing therapy) have made tremendous strides over the past two years. And like Akrasia says -- I think the main thing is that they feel safe when they're with me, that they know they can reach me 24/7, and that they have a very well laid-out, rational action plan for different scenarios.
I do think it gets easier as they get older. I haven't had to tell them a darn thing about their father -- they started asking questions like "why should we go to Dad's house when all he does is watch football and drink beer with his friends?" and "he never does anything with us, so why does he want us there?"
And the worry and anxiety, we're working on in therapy. What's helped my kids a lot is understanding what their bodies and brains are doing when they get anxious and worried -- pure biology -- and that they need to use their rational minds to assess whether there is an immediate danger (if so, take action) or whether there isn't (in which case they go to their "happy place" and do yoga breathing until it passes).
They WILL get through this and they WILL be functional, happy people because they have you.
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The girls LOVE Home Alone and I just told them tonight we can do pizza (homemade) and a movie night tomorrow so maybe I'll try and covertly encourage that we watch Home Alone and I'll take notes! Thanks for the needed laugh. I love you all and don't know what I'd have done the past 24 hrs without you all. Seriously. Thank you so much.
Originally Posted by Willybluedog
WTBH,
Stick to your guns, also, I don't know if you have a Harbor Freight Tools in your area, but they have inexpensive security products, door jamb alarms, door handle jiggle alarms, they even have night vision security cameras for 40.00
Also, if you cannot get security equipment then I would screw or nail that door shut.
If that is not a possibility then stack up empty soda cans inside that door, at least that will buy you some time to get the kids together and get out the front door. Use your imagination or better yet watch the movie Home Alone for some ideas.
Stay safe, you and the kids are in my prayers.
Bill
Stick to your guns, also, I don't know if you have a Harbor Freight Tools in your area, but they have inexpensive security products, door jamb alarms, door handle jiggle alarms, they even have night vision security cameras for 40.00
Also, if you cannot get security equipment then I would screw or nail that door shut.
If that is not a possibility then stack up empty soda cans inside that door, at least that will buy you some time to get the kids together and get out the front door. Use your imagination or better yet watch the movie Home Alone for some ideas.
Stay safe, you and the kids are in my prayers.
Bill
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
You know what...I've been thinking about you...and praying for you...
and it is OKAY for you to sit your D6 down and just tell her.
Her dad is not supposed to be at the house. It isn't just YOU that decided that but that other grown ups (like the police and a nice judge) decided that isn't good.
Her DAD decided to break the rules.
HE CHOSE to do that.
He knew he would get in trouble but did it anyway.
It is OKAY to say these things...you aren't bad mouthing her daddy...you are giving her some much needed information.
She is only 6...but she feels the anxiety and fear from not knowing exactly what is going on. Her world has been shaken...and you just have to be there to be honest (age appropriate honesty) and let her know that it's OKAY to feel mad, bad, sad....but none of this is HER fault.
because I promise you even though her daddy said it was YOUR fault he was going to jail (that piece of s#%^!)..but she thinks it's HER fault because he drove HER home, to spend time with HER....(we all know that isn't the truth, it was control and manipulation to use her to hurt you) but her thoughts aren't reality based. She's too little. Too scared and too shameful of what is going on ....and she just needs some truth.
Praying for you both!
and it is OKAY for you to sit your D6 down and just tell her.
Her dad is not supposed to be at the house. It isn't just YOU that decided that but that other grown ups (like the police and a nice judge) decided that isn't good.
Her DAD decided to break the rules.
HE CHOSE to do that.
He knew he would get in trouble but did it anyway.
It is OKAY to say these things...you aren't bad mouthing her daddy...you are giving her some much needed information.
She is only 6...but she feels the anxiety and fear from not knowing exactly what is going on. Her world has been shaken...and you just have to be there to be honest (age appropriate honesty) and let her know that it's OKAY to feel mad, bad, sad....but none of this is HER fault.
because I promise you even though her daddy said it was YOUR fault he was going to jail (that piece of s#%^!)..but she thinks it's HER fault because he drove HER home, to spend time with HER....(we all know that isn't the truth, it was control and manipulation to use her to hurt you) but her thoughts aren't reality based. She's too little. Too scared and too shameful of what is going on ....and she just needs some truth.
Praying for you both!
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TJP said:
Wow, WTBH. I'm just speechless after reading that update. The thing I am thinking about (aside from your poor daughter's broken and very confused heart) is that you must be reeling about how far he will push the envelope to prove he is ultimately in control. So. Freaking. Scary. He's taking this to a whole new level and proving that he's not afraid of the law or being arrested. That is secondary to his need to control you. This is not a good situation at all -- try to do everything the DV counselors advise (re: safety plan, etc) and get all the counseling they offer to you and your children. At the women's center where I used to volunteer they had group sessions for the kids that were extremely helpful...so they could see they were not the only ones with this crazy stuff going on in their homes. I know your girls already see a counselor (right?) but I wonder if this type of additional group session would be helpful -- IF it's available.
I am SO VERY SORRY this is happening, but you are doing everything right. I admire your strength. (((Hugs)))
I am afraid these were my thoughts and take on it too. He will bail out and obviously has no fear or respect for the law, therefore this kind of person is quite likely to continue to find ways to circumvent the letter and intentions of the law and upset and scare you. I feel he is cabable of doing many things you would not be able to predict. Please stay safe at all costs. TJP knows what she is talking about and I have lived thro a similar scenario, it is what finally brought me here.
Wow, WTBH. I'm just speechless after reading that update. The thing I am thinking about (aside from your poor daughter's broken and very confused heart) is that you must be reeling about how far he will push the envelope to prove he is ultimately in control. So. Freaking. Scary. He's taking this to a whole new level and proving that he's not afraid of the law or being arrested. That is secondary to his need to control you. This is not a good situation at all -- try to do everything the DV counselors advise (re: safety plan, etc) and get all the counseling they offer to you and your children. At the women's center where I used to volunteer they had group sessions for the kids that were extremely helpful...so they could see they were not the only ones with this crazy stuff going on in their homes. I know your girls already see a counselor (right?) but I wonder if this type of additional group session would be helpful -- IF it's available.
I am SO VERY SORRY this is happening, but you are doing everything right. I admire your strength. (((Hugs)))
I am afraid these were my thoughts and take on it too. He will bail out and obviously has no fear or respect for the law, therefore this kind of person is quite likely to continue to find ways to circumvent the letter and intentions of the law and upset and scare you. I feel he is cabable of doing many things you would not be able to predict. Please stay safe at all costs. TJP knows what she is talking about and I have lived thro a similar scenario, it is what finally brought me here.
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I am really struggling with what to do... D6 isn't asking me about it and it feels like the elephant in the room right now... I dont want to upset her by forcing her to think and talk about it but it feels like I should address it...
At her age it's so hard to know what is best to say or not say... Her T has said for some time that telling her facts but very very minimally is okay... I'm just not sure what to say and honestly am afraid of what she might ask me and not have a good answer for her...
I really appreciate what you wrote me below and it makes a lot of sense and I imagine she is scared and confused and blames herself (the amt that she says Sorry all the time for everything-- just like me-- is disturbing)... Sigh... She is in bed already (she is my kid who ASKS to go to bed at 6:30 bc she is so tired by days end-- her sister however who is 3 would stay up all night partying with juice boxes and granola bars if I let her!) so I will have to think about all of this and talk to her tomorrow after school. I don't want to have a heavy talk with her and then ship her off to school in the morning... Then again maybe I should address it sooner than later...
My head has been POUNDING all day and I honestly found myself a few times today wondering why! LOL. Ridiculous right? I am about to go to bed myself!
At her age it's so hard to know what is best to say or not say... Her T has said for some time that telling her facts but very very minimally is okay... I'm just not sure what to say and honestly am afraid of what she might ask me and not have a good answer for her...
I really appreciate what you wrote me below and it makes a lot of sense and I imagine she is scared and confused and blames herself (the amt that she says Sorry all the time for everything-- just like me-- is disturbing)... Sigh... She is in bed already (she is my kid who ASKS to go to bed at 6:30 bc she is so tired by days end-- her sister however who is 3 would stay up all night partying with juice boxes and granola bars if I let her!) so I will have to think about all of this and talk to her tomorrow after school. I don't want to have a heavy talk with her and then ship her off to school in the morning... Then again maybe I should address it sooner than later...
My head has been POUNDING all day and I honestly found myself a few times today wondering why! LOL. Ridiculous right? I am about to go to bed myself!
Originally Posted by blwninthewind
You know what...I've been thinking about you...and praying for you...
and it is OKAY for you to sit your D6 down and just tell her.
Her dad is not supposed to be at the house. It isn't just YOU that decided that but that other grown ups (like the police and a nice judge) decided that isn't good.
Her DAD decided to break the rules.
HE CHOSE to do that.
He knew he would get in trouble but did it anyway.
It is OKAY to say these things...you aren't bad mouthing her daddy...you are giving her some much needed information.
She is only 6...but she feels the anxiety and fear from not knowing exactly what is going on. Her world has been shaken...and you just have to be there to be honest (age appropriate honesty) and let her know that it's OKAY to feel mad, bad, sad....but none of this is HER fault.
because I promise you even though her daddy said it was YOUR fault he was going to jail (that piece of s#%^!)..but she thinks it's HER fault because he drove HER home, to spend time with HER....(we all know that isn't the truth, it was control and manipulation to use her to hurt you) but her thoughts aren't reality based. She's too little. Too scared and too shameful of what is going on ....and she just needs some truth.
Praying for you both!
and it is OKAY for you to sit your D6 down and just tell her.
Her dad is not supposed to be at the house. It isn't just YOU that decided that but that other grown ups (like the police and a nice judge) decided that isn't good.
Her DAD decided to break the rules.
HE CHOSE to do that.
He knew he would get in trouble but did it anyway.
It is OKAY to say these things...you aren't bad mouthing her daddy...you are giving her some much needed information.
She is only 6...but she feels the anxiety and fear from not knowing exactly what is going on. Her world has been shaken...and you just have to be there to be honest (age appropriate honesty) and let her know that it's OKAY to feel mad, bad, sad....but none of this is HER fault.
because I promise you even though her daddy said it was YOUR fault he was going to jail (that piece of s#%^!)..but she thinks it's HER fault because he drove HER home, to spend time with HER....(we all know that isn't the truth, it was control and manipulation to use her to hurt you) but her thoughts aren't reality based. She's too little. Too scared and too shameful of what is going on ....and she just needs some truth.
Praying for you both!
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You absolutely need to talk to her about everything that happened. She needs the opportunity to ask questions and to hearnyour reassurance that it's not her fault. I would start with the incident that got the RO in the first place, explaining how it was wrong for daddy to do that and the policeman told him not to come to the house. Tell her that he made another bad choice by bringing her home because the policeman told him not to do that. If you had not told on him (by calling the police) you would get in trouble yourself. Daddy was wrong to hit mommy and the police said so too. So there are some new rules we need to follow until daddy learns to behave properly. What he did was wrong and this is how the police think is best to keep mommy and you girls safe.
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We talked abou the original RO issue... and we certainly talked yesterday/last night... I didn't mean to make it sound like I was avoiding it altogether... It just gets confusing to know how much to bring it up and force her to talk if she isn't asking-- then again, I don't ever want her to live as I did, knowing something was wrong and never having it spoken about...
I think I am over thinking it and need to just talk to her and roll with it.
I think I am over thinking it and need to just talk to her and roll with it.
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WTBH,
Is there someone who could help explain this, someone that is a neutral third party, maybe a Pastor, Sunday school, or Kindergarten teacher, a social worker who is assigned to the prosecutors office or a womens support group.
I met some very nice young ladies today outside Walmart from Teen Challenge USA, they are a Christian Womens Ministry who help women of all ages who have been affected by alcohol, you might check them out at teenchallengeusa.com
Best of luck,
Bill
Is there someone who could help explain this, someone that is a neutral third party, maybe a Pastor, Sunday school, or Kindergarten teacher, a social worker who is assigned to the prosecutors office or a womens support group.
I met some very nice young ladies today outside Walmart from Teen Challenge USA, they are a Christian Womens Ministry who help women of all ages who have been affected by alcohol, you might check them out at teenchallengeusa.com
Best of luck,
Bill
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Once again I strongly believe TJP is right on target.
I have seen different types of counselors over the years but the free domestic violence center and counseling was of far greater value to me than some of the 129 per visit ones.
There is a book by Lundy Bancroft "Inside the Minds Of Controlling Men" that I cannot recommend strongly enough.
There is another very very good one but the author and name escape me at the moment, but they proved invaluable to me.
We are not being realistic when we expect them to have our perspective and think and act they way we do.
Abusive (this includes verbal and emotional.....and yes, kidnapping your daughter) men do not think in a manner that is even comprehensible to us. It takes alot of education, and time to recognize it and heal.
I have seen different types of counselors over the years but the free domestic violence center and counseling was of far greater value to me than some of the 129 per visit ones.
There is a book by Lundy Bancroft "Inside the Minds Of Controlling Men" that I cannot recommend strongly enough.
There is another very very good one but the author and name escape me at the moment, but they proved invaluable to me.
We are not being realistic when we expect them to have our perspective and think and act they way we do.
Abusive (this includes verbal and emotional.....and yes, kidnapping your daughter) men do not think in a manner that is even comprehensible to us. It takes alot of education, and time to recognize it and heal.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I know there are children's books about substance abuse in the family. You might look on Amazon to see what kind of other issues are covered in children's books. Even if there isn't one for your specific situation you might be able to get an idea how the books convey this difficult concepts in a child-friendly way. The one book I remember seeing is "Banana Beer" (I think). That could give you a place to start looking.
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Thanks for all the advice... I've talked to D6's teacher tonight (she is great at emailing)& she is going to put D6 on the school counselors radar tomorrow. No court tomorrow bc the RO is in place for another 30 days automatically bc AH was arrested. Going on frimwas pre his arrest. Confusing keeping track of all the changes- I know!
I'm exhausted and headed to bed.
Thanks to each of you for your help and care!
I'm exhausted and headed to bed.
Thanks to each of you for your help and care!
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(((WTBH))) - It's okay to not know what to say to your daughter. We're human, we don't KNOW all the answers.
I can't tell you how many times my niece has asked me "how come YOU could quit using drugs, bust your a$$ to get your life back, be there for me, but my OWN DAD can't do it?!?!? Why doesn't he give a damn about me, except when he's locked up?"
There have been many more questions along the same line. It's only as she's gotten older that some of what I say makes sense. At the age of 3, she had her own lawyer, a counselor, and a guardian-ad-litem, and we were court-ordered to let her see her sperm donor (supervised by his dad/stepmom...he took off to his gf's). It took a lot before they all saw that this was NOT a good idea.
I missed out on some important years in her life because *I* was using. Today? We still have our fusses and arguments, but when she wants to know about addiction...what it does, why does it take over a person, etc. she knows she can come to me. She's also been raised by 2 codie grandparents. I can't undo what they have done, I can't make things all right, but I CAN be the one person who lets her talk, who sets boundaries and teaches her about consequences...hers, mine, everyone elses.
I know this is tearing you apart...you're a mama, you want to protect your child from pain and hurt. You can't, but you can be the person they know is "safe", who will always keep her well-being first and foremost. It's not fair to you OR your daughters, but trust me...they'll get it as they get older. Just keep being the awesome mama you are, do what you have to do and expect anger..they don't understand. The anger fades, the trust grows. It just takes time.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I can't tell you how many times my niece has asked me "how come YOU could quit using drugs, bust your a$$ to get your life back, be there for me, but my OWN DAD can't do it?!?!? Why doesn't he give a damn about me, except when he's locked up?"
There have been many more questions along the same line. It's only as she's gotten older that some of what I say makes sense. At the age of 3, she had her own lawyer, a counselor, and a guardian-ad-litem, and we were court-ordered to let her see her sperm donor (supervised by his dad/stepmom...he took off to his gf's). It took a lot before they all saw that this was NOT a good idea.
I missed out on some important years in her life because *I* was using. Today? We still have our fusses and arguments, but when she wants to know about addiction...what it does, why does it take over a person, etc. she knows she can come to me. She's also been raised by 2 codie grandparents. I can't undo what they have done, I can't make things all right, but I CAN be the one person who lets her talk, who sets boundaries and teaches her about consequences...hers, mine, everyone elses.
I know this is tearing you apart...you're a mama, you want to protect your child from pain and hurt. You can't, but you can be the person they know is "safe", who will always keep her well-being first and foremost. It's not fair to you OR your daughters, but trust me...they'll get it as they get older. Just keep being the awesome mama you are, do what you have to do and expect anger..they don't understand. The anger fades, the trust grows. It just takes time.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
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