brownhorse

So there is the obvious AH harming the children because he hits or is driving drunk, but what about the not so easy to prove. He swears, calls me names, belittles all of us, ran out of gas, and the 4 year old said daddy spun his car. He was very angry at me yesterday over an Xbox and then was going to take the 9 year old (who did not have school) to the AH's friend house at 9:15 at night to play video games.

This is all childish and damaging behavior. He is constantly drinking energy drinks, NA or near beer, and stinks like an alcoholic. My lawyer says if he stinks do not send the kids.

Here is my question. It is always in the morning when he stinks and I know it is from the night before. I feel like I am setting myself up for a bigger fight if I refuse to let the kids go or he calls the police and passes a breathalyzer. When do I fight that battle and when do I let it go? With kids, we never get to leave the alcoholic and have a "normie" life, do we? I am trying to follow Al-anon and not get caught up in it, I try to ignore him, and pick my battles but is so hard when the kids are involved to know the right thing to do. Also, anyone ever refuse visitation and how do it go? Thanks

lillamy

God, if I only knew.

A person can drive herself crazy trying to protect her kids from a drunk ex. And honestly, we don't get one helluvalot of help from the legal system.

The best advice I've gotten - legally - after losing a court battle for a RO after AXH threatened me was an old salty dog of a lawyer who said, "Be Patient. A$$holes like this guy land themselves in jail sooner or later. That's when your chance comes."

The best counseling advice I've gotten is... That humans, even young children, prefer a health environment where the feel safe over a pathological one. So the best thing I can do for my children is to provide a calm, loving home. And they will show over time that they prefer my home over his. And they will become harder for him to manage at the same time his disease progresses, making it easier for him to give up and let go of them.

Neither of which helps the anxiety of having to hand your heart and soul's most loved ones into the hand of an irresponsible drunk.

That part, I have to lean on my Higher Power for. And it helps me that my kids are older and can assess a situation and call me, or the cops, if it gets scary.

My youngest is 10, and we have a system in place where she knows she can call me any time if she feels uncomfortable at his house. I can then walk her through "is it an emergency?" or "is it just vaguely uncomfortable?" or "is it inbetween?" and then act accordingly.

Another avenue that one could use is to call Child Protective Services and tell them about your concerns. Most likely, unless the kids are black and blue, that won't result in anything, but it's amazing what knowing they have their eyes on you can do for your behavior, even if you're an addict...

I wish I had a magic wand. There have been times when I've felt like a traitor to my children for leaving AXH and then not being able to be there and protect them. But at least most of their lives are now lived in a healthy environment with me, which means they have a frame of reference and can identify the dysfunction of their father's house.0

brownhorse

That is true. His house is not stable and he always laughs at me saying I do not like not being in control. If I only had the luxery of relaxing and not having to be "in control" when they are with him! People do not understand that when your ex is and AH. You can only relax when you have the kids! The down time is not when the are at their dads! (That is one for things a normie wouldn't know).

suki44883

When I had to drop my daughter off at her dad's house, I'd go home and sit and watch the clock until it was time to go pick her up. I hated making her go over there. At the time though, she was too small to complain. As she got older though, she didn't like having to go over there and, as I suspected, he became lax about visitation. Other things came up and he couldn't get her that weekend, blah, blah, blah. Finally, when she became a teenager, she refused to go, so, what could I do?

brownhorse

It just gets worse. He took my son out at 9:30 at night to play video games at AH buddies house and they spent the night. Right before he left he told me he changed his mind and they were staying home. Then, my son gets home and starts crying because he felt guilty when I said I was glad they stayed home. Dad said some things are better kept to ourselves. I have not said a word to him. This is why I stayed with him. Then, he couldn't do stupid things and involve my kids!

wanttobehealthy

If you are worried about your kids, I think it is worth the "fight" (I know exactly what you mean) vs. sending them with him smelling of alcohol and wondering what might happen. If you have an agreement in writing that you can keep them back if you suspect he's drinking, enforce it.

My girls are 6 and 3 and are both a mess bc of living too long with their A father and I and seeing me treated horrible verbally and emotionally. When D6 is not melting down herself she is mimicking her father's bullying behaviors and directing those at her sister. Her sister keeps going back for more and vascilates between trying to find a way to appease her sister and reacting in anger at how she is treated (mini me).

I have no great advice... I just know that kids are horribly impacted by things that are verbal and emotional just as much as anything physical and as a mom it's awful to worry about our kids when they are with their A parent.

My AH is one of those who has started to spiral out of control (not drinking wise- but anger and behavior wise) and as Lillamy said, he has found himself arrested and temporarily in jail. This occured I think for 2 reasons: 1) I stopped arguing with him and simply said "here's how it will be" and followed through and 2) I didn't let him bully me into behaving however he wants. He is not getting the reactions from me he wants and is pushing more and more limits and I am getting better and better at calling 911.

I hope it doesn't come to that for you, but the way things are going with how he is behaving, I wouldn't be surprised.

brownhorse

Thanks and if it helps you the longer the kids are away from him the better the behavior gets. My nine year old started out that way and gets better every day. Except the week he just spent with him because of a break from school. Poor kid!!!! I have already decided to changed the situation and am putting it in place.