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Old 02-22-2012, 05:32 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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well, arrest #2 is in place or going to be soon... AH approached me at the show, in the front row, with a big old audience, accused me of alienating him from his daughter, told me i had no right to keep him from her and wouldn't stop. i was hissing "stop, please stop" and he didn't. sat himself down a few seats away and glared at me for much of the show. wouldn't let me get near D6 after the show, was hugging her and physically using his body to block me so I couldn't hug or get near her. she was so excited to see him that she was eating up the attn and i didn't want to make a scene. i told her i'd meet her in her classroom and went back there to wait. no D6. all the kids left, i was in tears, told D6's teacher the cliff notes version and asked if she'd be there for a bit incase D6 showed up. she said yes. i drove home and AH was at my house. inside. i went in and quietly said i needed to talk to him. he put the tv on for D6 and sat down in the kitchen smirking. i told him i would be calling the police bc he broke the RO. he smiled and said he dared me. i asked him to leave (bc honest to god i was considering not calling the cops bc i so didn't want to make a scene). he said no. i got the phone and said please at least go outside and don't ruin D6's day. he said no and that i was ruining it. then he walked over to D6 and hugged her and said "mommy is calling the police and i will probably go to jail and won't see you for a long time" and walked out. D6 freaked out at me, burst into tears, told me i was mean...

i can't even finish writing this bc i am bawling... he f'ing RUINED her day. i called the police of course, he had left already so i told them the various places they might find him and i assume they will. i took D6 to dance, got D3, made a special dinner, watched the penguin movie i bought D6 as a gift for her show today and none of it made up for AH being the most evil man on the planet for doing what he did to D6.

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. his mother did her best to hurt D6 and barely a week or so later, AH did something i never imagined he'd do. saying that kind of thing to a kid- making them feel abandoned and making them think it's the other parents fault is just unconscionable.

clearly he thought the RO was a game. how the heck do i explain following the law to a 6 yr old who only sees right now that daddy is gone and she misses him and it's mommy's fault... and her special day that should have been all happy and fun has this dark cloud hanging over it...

i have never hated him more. ever.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:33 PM
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well, arrest #2 is in place or going to be soon... AH approached me at the show, in the front row, with a big old audience, accused me of alienating him from his daughter, told me i had no right to keep him from her and wouldn't stop. i was hissing "stop, please stop" and he didn't. sat himself down a few seats away and glared at me for much of the show. wouldn't let me get near D6 after the show, was hugging her and physically using his body to block me so I couldn't hug or get near her. she was so excited to see him that she was eating up the attn and i didn't want to make a scene. i told her i'd meet her in her classroom and went back there to wait. no D6. all the kids left, i was in tears, told D6's teacher the cliff notes version and asked if she'd be there for a bit incase D6 showed up. she said yes. i drove home and AH was at my house. inside. i went in and quietly said i needed to talk to him. he put the tv on for D6 and sat down in the kitchen smirking. i told him i would be calling the police bc he broke the RO. he smiled and said he dared me. i asked him to leave (bc honest to god i was considering not calling the cops bc i so didn't want to make a scene). he said no. i got the phone and said please at least go outside and don't ruin D6's day. he said no and that i was ruining it. then he walked over to D6 and hugged her and said "mommy is calling the police and i will probably go to jail and won't see you for a long time" and walked out. D6 freaked out at me, burst into tears, told me i was mean...

i can't even finish writing this bc i am bawling... he f'ing RUINED her day. i called the police of course, he had left already so i told them the various places they might find him and i assume they will. i took D6 to dance, got D3, made a special dinner, watched the penguin movie i bought D6 as a gift for her show today and none of it made up for AH being the most evil man on the planet for doing what he did to D6.

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. his mother did her best to hurt D6 and barely a week or so later, AH did something i never imagined he'd do. saying that kind of thing to a kid- making them feel abandoned and making them think it's the other parents fault is just unconscionable.

clearly he thought the RO was a game. how the heck do i explain following the law to a 6 yr old who only sees right now that daddy is gone and she misses him and it's mommy's fault... and her special day that should have been all happy and fun has this dark cloud hanging over it...

i have never hated him more. ever.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:45 PM
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AH was at my house. inside. i went in and quietly said i needed to talk to him. he put the tv on for D6 and sat down in the kitchen smirking. i told him i would be calling the police bc he broke the RO. he smiled and said he dared me. i asked him to leave (bc honest to god i was considering not calling the cops bc i so didn't want to make a scene). he said no.
I am effing SPEECHLESS.
You have a lawyer, right? Call him/her and ask if you are in your right to change the locks on the door. You should not have to live in fear of this man. He is out of his cotton-picking mind. Since he's not above using your daughter to try to scare you into "behaving," he's enough off his rocker that it's time to take some steps to make sure you are safe.

I hope the cops pick him up. He's a menace. To you, your children, AND himself.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:08 PM
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I do have a lawyer, already called and left several messages.

Locks on the front door were changed after the RO was put in place. BUT, I forgot altogether that the barn door doesn't lock (unless I lock it from the inside which I rarely do) and you can get into the house through it. It's never, ever used... That's how AH got in with D6 who thought it was an adventure.

I am too upset for D6 to be angry right now-- anger is usually a good motivator for me. I just can't wrap my head around him using D6 to manipulate me. The damage that $hit does is irreperable.

I really, truly thought that I had imagined every possible thing he could pull.

I have vacation next week and plan to spend a lot of it (I am working during some of it though) figuring out a moving plan asap. Being in this house is unsafe. I did look at a great rental community in my neighborhood but it is way too costly so that's out. I had put searching more on hold but no more. If I have to move to my mom's temporarily with the girls, so be it.

The ONLY good to come of this is that I do not have to petition now to have the RO extended. AH made sure that would happen all on his own.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:12 PM
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OMG, WTBH. Sending big bear hugs. You know he's lying right? It's his actions that are causing the call to the Police. YOU aren't ruining her day. HE did.

Big BIG bear hugs.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:18 PM
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the uncertainty-- yes, I do finally know that... somehow though it isn't helping me feel any less horrible for D6. at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me this time around whose doing it is... all that matters is that a poor 6 yr old was crying 30 min after grinning ear to ear at her show and i wish i'd been able to avoid it/stop it etc... i thought letting him be with her without making a scene at the school was the best plan and if i'd had any inkling he was going to LEAVE with her and go to my house and all that followed, i would have called the police from the school... he is an evil S.O.B. addiction or not, some things are unforgiveable and there is a special place in hell for parents who intentionally hurt their kids. i don't think this is an addict issue as much as an evil human being one. i will forgive anything done to me, but when you hurt my kids that's a line that can't be uncrossed....
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:19 PM
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((((hugs))))

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better.

You handled it right so be proud of yourself. D6 will be fine and get over it. However the lessons she is learning on how to be strong and protect yourself and you family with dignity and class will last a lifetime.

I am proud of you. You have come a long way and your recovery is shining!

Your friend,
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:24 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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One thing I know... I am DONE playing nice. I will not be evil or vindictive but I will be fighting tooth and nail to limit contact with the girls and AH until there is some certainty that this behavior will not occur. Taking her out of school without communicating that to me, without signing her out and then entering my home with a RO in place and taunting me to call the police and THEN harming our daughter by telling her she may not see him again for a long time bc of Mommy's actions is too much. He doesn't deserve to have access or opportunity to hurt the girls anymore. And he won't if I have any control over it. My lawyer better be ready to fight bc there is nothing he could have ever done to me that would have upset me like this. Hurt me, fine. I'll deal. Hurt my kids and all bets are off.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:29 PM
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Mike's post times infinity: You did the right thing. I completely understand that it'd be DD's hurt that hurts the worst.

DS is 7. What usually works for us is letting him know I'm there for him. That I understand that he has all these feelings and it's OK to have them. I ask him if he needs time alone or without me in the room and honor his answer. When he's ready he usually seeks me out for huggles (snuggles and hugs). I'm never sure if I should push him to talk about his feelings related to his father or just let him have them. Sigh.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:44 PM
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the uncertainty-- my girls are asleep and i saved my crying meltdown til after they were in bed but i have to tell you that through my tears i just laughed aloud at the "huggies" expression! that must be a universal kid expression... my girls (6 and almost 4) must say huggies (not the diaper kind!) a thousand times a day and i love it!
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:57 PM
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Glad to bring a smile. I think the pull-ups as hats is too. I also have pictures of DS, it was just before we left, so he had to be about 2.5, running around the house with a (clean) pull-up on as a hat, big ole grin on his face and his beautiful blue eyes just sparkling.

Tons more bear hugs!
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:10 PM
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Isn't it amazing w all the toys they have, a pull up on the head can entertain better than anything!?
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:33 PM
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I have to apologize if I sounded bossy - your experience today is one of my recurring nightmares, so I sort of reacted with my gut.

And you may be more in pain but angry but you sound clear-headed and decisive. Good, good things.

I hope you can find a good rental so you can get out. Big hugs to you.
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:50 PM
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I read your post after mine. I am proud of you and hope I have the same courage when I need it!
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:48 PM
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So exactly what is going to happen with the fact he TOOK your daughter....from school without your knowledge or permission??????

and he did it to scare the bejeezus out of you...trying to show you he's still in control...

you need to address that issue immediately!
He thinks he can do whatever he wants...and you'll bow down to him because you're scared!

Press charges...isn't that parental kidnapping..especially with the RO in place?!
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
So exactly what is going to happen with the fact he TOOK your daughter....from school without your knowledge or permission??????

and he did it to scare the bejeezus out of you...trying to show you he's still in control...

you need to address that issue immediately!
He thinks he can do whatever he wants...and you'll bow down to him because you're scared!

Press charges...isn't that parental kidnapping..especially with the RO in place?!

The RO didn't address his being with the girls other than that he could not be with them at the house and that we were to exchange them at a neutral parties house (my moms).

So, I thought of the kidnapping thing too but technically (I am thinking of how he and his lawyer will spin it) he didn't do anything wrong by taking her home and I expect him to claim that I "left" her (remember I walked away and said I'd meet her in the classroom) and he "had" to take her home... I am not a mind reader but I have been with this man all of my adult life and know how manipulative he is so I forsee this being the path he takes (or his lawyer takes) to defend taking her. Certainly there is NO excuse for his showing up at my house.

He was found, arrested and is being held currently in police custody and will go before a judge today. One benefit of growing up where I now live is that I know a lot of the cops and one of the 2 who showed up when I called was a pretty good high school friend so he has sort of gone above and beyond to keep me posted since yesterday afternoon.

I have talked to my lawyer and am not going to court to request that the RO be extended. I have made a statement to the police, written a statement and talked to the DV advocate at the Prosecutor's office and am letting all of that speak for me. I am not required to be there and have decided that it will do me more harm than good to have to see AH right now. There is no way the RO won't be extended since he violated it so I am not worried about that...

I have asked my lawyer to ask for AH to have supervised visitation for now with the girls and have that written into the RO but have been told that is not likely since he hasn't done anything to harm the girls (evidently emotional abuse is a he said she said thing and not tangible like a broken arm would be).

I should know more later today. I am terrified AH will lose his job for this but I don't feel guilty about that. Just worried about how that will impact the girls and I financially. But I'll deal.

I'm still sick over what he did to D6 and have had a hard time with people at work asking how the show was (I was so excited yesterday and everyone was eager to hear how it went). I feel like I am on the verge of tears and need to keep it together here today.
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Old 02-23-2012, 07:06 AM
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Can I just tell you how lucky your girls are for having a strong, kick-butt, compassionate mother, who is clearly doing everything in her power to keep them safe and happy?

Do you know how many mothers just sit there watching their children get abused, and wring their hands and hope it somehow gets better--and never ever move a muscle to protect their kids? Even in countries where there are laws and court systems and DV resources ready to assist?

Yes, this is a hard time. I promise you: when they are older they will look back on this and get on their knees and thank God that they had a mother like you.
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Old 02-23-2012, 08:21 AM
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Wow, WTBH. I'm just speechless after reading that update. The thing I am thinking about (aside from your poor daughter's broken and very confused heart) is that you must be reeling about how far he will push the envelope to prove he is ultimately in control. So. Freaking. Scary. He's taking this to a whole new level and proving that he's not afraid of the law or being arrested. That is secondary to his need to control you. This is not a good situation at all -- try to do everything the DV counselors advise (re: safety plan, etc) and get all the counseling they offer to you and your children. At the women's center where I used to volunteer they had group sessions for the kids that were extremely helpful...so they could see they were not the only ones with this crazy stuff going on in their homes. I know your girls already see a counselor (right?) but I wonder if this type of additional group session would be helpful -- IF it's available.

I am SO VERY SORRY this is happening, but you are doing everything right. I admire your strength. (((Hugs)))
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Old 02-23-2012, 08:36 AM
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Oh my god, I'm sending giant hugs to you.

The only thing I can say is this, and it won't help since your D6 is hurting TODAY, but kids grow up and they begin to see the pattern in what kinds of games the AH is running, and they see how they were manipulated and how their trust and love was abused. I had this very conversation with my therapist last night about my son and his relationship with his NPD dad, and she said that the most important thing I could do is validate his feelings. He is right to be upset, he is right to feel pissed, just like your D6 is mad that her day got ruined! My advice, take it or leave it, is to let the girls know that AH isn't allowed in your house anymore. You can tell them in a way that is age-appropriate and gentle ("daddy is sick, he and mommy can't be around each other right now, we really hope he will get better someday" and if they ask why/how, use the other night as a great example), which will keep all of you safer and prevent him from tricking the girls into bending and breaking the rules he's too stupid and reckless to follow.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:54 AM
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I met with D6's teacher briefly this morning to tell her that it was a rough afternoon and to keep an eye out for D6 today (and the school has been told- even though I don't have anything formal yet saying this- that AH is NOT to take D6 from school).

Her teacher told me that she has noticed D6 in the past month or so being really quick to cry and being really upset with herself the instant she can't understand something. Apparently sitting and crying and saying "think D6 think" to her self during math is common. The poor kid is a bundle of nerves and hearing that she's been that way PRIOR to this latest mess just made me even sadder. She ought to be going to school, being a kid, having fun with friends and instead she fears asking for help, screwing up and puts pressure on herself to be perfect. And now on top of that she has fear of not knowing if she'll see Daddy again and believes it's my fault. Way to make a kid feel unloved and unsettled and as if nothing is predictable.

I am having a really rough day imagining how both girls are doing and wish I were just with them right now.
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