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please help me to understand

Old 11-22-2011, 06:55 AM
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please help me to understand

like a fool i went back home. he stayed sober for about a day. the drinking is not as intense as before but enough to irriate and anger me. we both started going to therapy. though i know the councelor is trying to help us both i don't really care for the "god" talk that seems to be a big part of his methods. he keeps telling me i should go to alanon..... and most of the stuff he reads to us contains a lot of that "spiritual" lingo. can someone please explain to me how they intend to help me distance myself from my husband's alcoholism? what are they going to have me do to live through this pain without feeling it? i dont want to go to alanon to be quite honest. if its anything like what he reads to us then i just as soon not. i will not benefit from sermons of godly grandure. sorry if that doesn't sit well with some people....i'm just not a very big church going, speech listening, sermon loving person..... i asked him to tell me in black and white....he said "get a divorce". is it that easy? why can't i just walk out?

i hate myself for going back there in the first place. my daughter just announced that she was having a baby. it won't be allowed in the house with an alcoholic by her, or by me. i have until june to set myself straight. and i have no idea how i'm going to do that. i thought i had this all figured out. its so much more difficult then i imagined. what is this hold that this alcoholic has on me?

i cry every morning.... it has to stop or i am going to become even more depressed than i already am.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:18 AM
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i asked him to tell me in black and white....he said "get a divorce". is it that easy? why can't i just walk out?
You have made it clear that you aren't open and willing to a recovery program for YOU... so yes - in black and white - the two choices are stay and keeping getting what you're getting (a man who gets drunk and chases you with a meat cleaver) or get a divorce (and take YOUR issues with you).

Al-anon is not religious. There is no preaching or sermons. It IS a spiritual program where you will see how others who have lived with (or are currently living with!) alcoholism have learned to survive/thrive. If you haven't gone to a meeting, I suggest you give it a try.


The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe it's time to try something different?
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:22 AM
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Are you going to therapy together? How about try therapy one-on-one, with just you?
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:24 AM
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what makes you think i'm not willing or open to a recovery program? i am going to therapy as we speak. i am just not very open to a "sprirtual" one. you said its not religious yet the word "god" comes up an awful lot in the book that he reads from. (alanon book). so yes, to me that is religious. if i said i was an atheist would that make things clearer? i'm happy for those who got something out of it and learned to push aside their feelings towards their A's. i am just saying that alanon might not work for me......i guess there isn't a program out there for me...is that what everyone is trying to tell me? that its alanon or divorce??
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:24 AM
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To be honest, you do need some help. Going back to him after he tried to kill you with a meat clever is a sign that you are not mentally healthy.

Have you considered seeing a different therapist by yourself? As far as the meetings go, what are you afraid of....having to face your own demons? I am not a religious person, I am
spiritual one, and I found no issue with Alanon of Naranon meetings, I took what I wanted and left the rest.

I guess your current therapist said it all, if you are not interested in getting help for yourself, then just get divorced. Nothing will improve until you get healthy. Not my rules,
just how it works.

I wish I could give you some magic potion to drink and make it all go away, unfortunately,
to my knowledge, non exsists...recovery takes hard work and dedication.

Hopefully, this will all work out for you.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Are you going to therapy together? How about try therapy one-on-one, with just you?
yes, we were going together but this past saturday he walked out so i made an appointment and i'm going alone next time.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
You have made it clear that you aren't open and willing to a recovery program for YOU... so yes - in black and white - the two choices are stay and keeping getting what you're getting (a man who gets drunk and chases you with a meat cleaver) or get a divorce (and take YOUR issues with you).

Al-anon is not religious. There is no preaching or sermons. It IS a spiritual program where you will see how others who have lived with (or are currently living with!) alcoholism have learned to survive/thrive. If you haven't gone to a meeting, I suggest you give it a try.


The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe it's time to try something different?
i have already left once as you clearly know. no, shouldn't have gone back.... if anyhthing it was stupid and i'm kicking my own butt every day because of it. and to be honest, i took no issues with me. i was content living with my mom..... i know i will get in trouble for saying this but i think that once i gain the courage to leave it all behine, i WILL leave the issues too.... i have always been happy go lucky. and i will be again. right now i'm needing support to get through all the decisions i have to make.

oh and he didn't chase me with a meat cleaver...he was too drunk to even stand up straight..... just thought i would clarify that!
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:37 AM
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I thought my issues too were behind me after I left my EXAH. Unfortunately I kept repeating the same patterns over and over for 11 more long miserable years. No matter where I went, there were me and my issues.

Just my own life experience.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I thought my issues too were behind me after I left my EXAH. Unfortunately I kept repeating the same patterns over and over for 11 more long miserable years. No matter where I went, there were me and my issues.

Just my own life experience.
may i ask what "issues" followed you??? just curious to know what these issues are that are suppose to be mine as well????
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:45 AM
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I will share my personal experience with Alanon meetings and literature.

In the literature I have, God is often referred to as HP (Higher Power). (some folks substitute the word HP with God or Jesus when reading)

I live in the Bible Belt of the US. At my meetings, most everyone refers to their HP as Jesus. They give thanks to Jesus when they talk about their victories.

I am not a Christian.

I take what I like and leave the rest.

I had reached a point in my life that I could not take another minute of the anger and resentment I felt at being around him (my AH). That hour long meeting was my santuary. I was able to escape the tension in my home and sit in a room filled with love and healing strength. That to me is the spiritual aspect.

The power to rise above and do things I did not imagine were possible is my HP.

I affectionately refer to my HP as my Hewlet Packard - because it can do things for me that I can't do for myself!

Whatever you choose, I hope you find your peace.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
may i ask what "issues" followed you??? just curious to know what these issues are that are suppose to be mine as well????
I wasn't implying that those issues should be yours as well. I was simply sharing my own experience.

I was profoundly affected by my EXAH's addictions/alcoholism, as well as my own.

Yes, I got clean/sober, while he chose to go back to his old lifestyle, but I refused to look at any codependency issues (and those were pointed out to me by people in recovery who cared) because I thought I left the biggest problem behind.

Perhaps you don't have any issues. That is not for me to determine.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:53 AM
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oh and he didn't chase me with a meat cleaver...he was too drunk to even stand up straight..... just thought i would clarify that!
So which is true? Because on this post you said...http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...8-finally.html

well i did it....i finally did it! i left him my AH went absoltely beserk the other night, weilding a meat clever at me, punching holes in the bedroom door, breaking dishes, kicking the dog, and mouthing some of the most disgusting obscenities i've ever heard. i called the police.
This man IS dangerous. Very dangerous.


I *get* - I do. I have been where you are. I am married to an alcoholic who has shown me that he has the capacity to get angry and violent. He has been abusive to me - physically, emotionally, and verbally. Facing *that* truth has been the hardest thing for me to do. Living with and loving him distorted MY sense of reality. My ability to set boundaries and protect myself from unhealthy behavior. My self-esteem suffered immensely.

I needed help. For me - that help comes from Al-anon (because the people there *get* it - they've walked my road and can share what worked for them!), an Al-anon Sponsor and a counselor who specializes in addiction.

I never realized how dysfunctional I had become - until I saw/heard from people in Al-anon. I saw the peace on their faces. Their smiles and laughter. I wanted *that*. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired... and when I had truly had enough of my miserable existance - I was willing to do whatever it took to get better.


When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired... give Al-anon a try. What have you got to lose?
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I wasn't implying that those issues should be yours as well. I was simply sharing my own experience.

I was profoundly affected by my EXAH's addictions/alcoholism, as well as my own.

Yes, I got clean/sober, while he chose to go back to his old lifestyle, but I refused to look at any codependency issues (and those were pointed out to me by people in recovery who cared) because I thought I left the biggest problem behind.

Perhaps you don't have any issues. That is not for me to determine.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Sending you hugs of support.
i'm sorry, I guess i didn't read your post closely enough. i was not aware that you needed to get clean/sober. lucky for me, i do not have dependency problems so i guess i can not relate to those issues. i will however admit that at the moment i DO have some issues living with him....i am angry at him for being what he is. i wish i could get him back to the man i married and i'm frustrated that i can't do that. and yes i want more than anything to feel that inner peace i so desire. i think the only two things that have a chance to make that happen are leaving or him getting sober. which one do you think stands the best chance!!??

thanks for the hugs...
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:03 AM
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The best explanation on the difference between religion and spirituality I've ever heard is that religion is for people who are afraid of hell - spirituality is for people who have been there.

I didn't want to go to al-anon either (and I still don't) but nothing else was/is helping me. I hurt ALL the time, emotionally as well as physically. Two months ago, I started to go to Al-anon meetings. I now go to at least 2 a week (as well as my AA meetings). I talk to other women. I read the literature. I come to this forum. Sometimes I still think it's (Al-anon) all crap. Other times? I get a profound sense of well-being - and that keeps me coming back because it is giving me hope.

It might be worth a try.

Best wishes to you!
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
So which is true? Because on this post you said...http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...8-finally.html

This man IS dangerous. Very dangerous.


I *get* - I do. I have been where you are. I am married to an alcoholic who has shown me that he has the capacity to get angry and violent. He has been abusive to me - physically, emotionally, and verbally. Facing *that* truth has been the hardest thing for me to do. Living with and loving him distorted MY sense of reality. My ability to set boundaries and protect myself from unhealthy behavior. My self-esteem suffered immensely.

I needed help. For me - that help comes from Al-anon (because the people there *get* it - they've walked my road and can share what worked for them!), an Al-anon Sponsor and a counselor who specializes in addiction.

I never realized how dysfunctional I had become - until I saw/heard from people in Al-anon. I saw the peace on their faces. Their smiles and laughter. I wanted *that*. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired... and when I had truly had enough of my miserable existance - I was willing to do whatever it took to get better.

When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired... give Al-anon a try. What have you got to lose?
weilding and chasing me through the house are two different things..... just was clarifying that. he could walk for sure because he made to the bedroom to punch a hole in the door. please don't use my posts against me...i'm going through a lot too. sorry if my words got a little tangled...you needn't call me out on it. i feel enough of a fool for staying with him. i don't really need the folks i come here to vent and get support from to make me look more like a fool! just saying......

true, i guess i don't have anything to loose do i...........
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:11 AM
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Al-anon was a slow go for me in the beginning. I resisted anything that DIDN’T help me FIX, REPAIR or MEND the alcoholic in my life.

Therapy helped me understand my codependency on the alcoholic.

Thru both I finally found ME and some courage and strength I never thought I could have.
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
BG, you seem pretty resistant to just about every suggestion right now...what do YOU see as your best solution? we can only share what things have worked for us...and as they HAVE been successful methods for US, we simply offer them as solutions with a proven track record...........
i wasn't putting down your suggestions. and i am certainly NOT resistant to help! maybe i'm looking for something different. what different suggestions have been given to me other than alanon? i just thought maybe someone out there might have some other avenues for me.
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:23 AM
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I am also not really into religion. I have been going to Al-Anon for a couple of months now, and religion isn't that big a part of it. At least in my group. (And it's held at a church)

I go to hear from others who have been where I am. Each time I go, I feel less and less alone. There are others who have been where we are. There is something very fulfilling about sitting in a room and being face to face with others who have been there.

If nothing else, that makes it worth going for me.
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:24 AM
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I think the BIG suggestion is that maybe you have codependency issues! Like all of us who have been born to or love alcoholics, codependent behavior on our part warps our best qualities, makes us make self-destructive and dangerous decisions, makes us feel ashamed, secretive, and enraged.

AlAnon is just one way, one open door and a plan to address those issues so you can get your head clear. Therapy is another way. I needed both and lots of reading and self-reflection to straighten out my bad habits of mind.

Also I don't think you were being "called out" by someone bringing up old posts. Please do not feel like a fool on this board - we often re-read old posts as a way of breaking free of denial. Denial of the REALITY of the problem keeps us stuck and repeating the same behavior over and over.

You're among true comrades here BG, collectively we've seen it all - and been through it all! Keep an open mind and keep seeking whatever help you can to break free of codependency!

((((((((hugs)))))))
Peace-
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by CagedBird View Post
I am also not really into religion. I have been going to Al-Anon for a couple of months now, and religion isn't that big a part of it. At least in my group. (And it's held at a church)

I go to hear from others who have been where I am. Each time I go, I feel less and less alone. There are others who have been where we are. There is something very fulfilling about sitting in a room and being face to face with others who have been there.

If nothing else, that makes it worth going for me.
Thanks....i guess that makes sense. misery loves company! just wish i wasn't the miserable one!!!
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