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Old 10-06-2011, 11:12 AM
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Finally!

well i did it....i finally did it! i left him my AH went absoltely beserk the other night, weilding a meat clever at me, punching holes in the bedroom door, breaking dishes, kicking the dog, and mouthing some of the most disgusting obscenities i've ever heard. i called the police. unfortunatly i covered his butt and they left without incident but expressed that if they had to return, it would get ugly. however, i then called a couple of friends who came over, packed me up and i'm now gone from that house! i can't tell you how difficult it was and how liberated i feel. nobody will ever talk to me, or treat me that way ever again. of course now he is crying and sad and i'd be lying if i said it didnt' break my heart but i told him i am not coming home and if there is even a slight chance of it it would only be if he goes to rehab and not just for 5 days again, but for at least a month +...... i have such a wonderful supportive circle of frineds and family and i surly feeled blessed. i may even go to chruch on sunday!
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:39 AM
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Physical violence is a deal-breaker for me; alcohol or no alcohol. NO ONE EVER abuses an animal and lives to be close to me again.
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:40 AM
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i dont know why i covered for him...i paniced. i guess i still had some of the "enabler" left in me? i am kicking my ass right now over that. also never realized i was an enabler until i came on here. and i thank all of you for making me see that. so much has seeped out of the woodword with his family. turns out that his mother is a great cause of his behavoir. she has coddled him and his 3 brothers all thier lives. and she was aware of them all having some kind of mental issue and did nothing about it but "take care of them".....

my feet are securly planted right now. i do not intend to entertain the idea of moving back. but if he goes into rehab i will go home if only to take care of the animals. i will only think of me. and believe me, the dog is fine. she jumped on the counter and ate my dinner! so he threw her out the door and shusshed her down the stairs of our back porch..(two stairs total!) (guess i wanted to really make him look bad!) he loves that animal more than me.

i love the dog too but i can't worry about her right now. i have to take care of me for a change. sorry if that offends any animals lovers here. but like i said, he loves the dog and its bad enough i left, i couldn't take her away too.
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:53 AM
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((breaking glass))

do you journal? if you do -

here's a suggestion - while the incident is still fresh in your mind - why not write down an actual account of everything that happened. Be truthful, don't embellish, but do go into detail, especially all the emotions that you felt, before, during and after.

Then, as the days goes by and he continues to call, make promises of changed behaviors, best of intentions, guarantees of sobriety, professions of undying love - maybe read your journal - remember all that you went thru -

Then remember that most of the time it is usual best to base our decisions based on someone's actions rather than their words, intentions or heartfelt promises. They may be very sincere but the disease doesn't always allow them to follow thru on these promises.

Just a suggestion from someone who has walked this path - took me a while to stand firm - but once I realized talk was just that talk - I am a much happier and safer person.

Pink Hugs,
Rita
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres View Post
((breaking glass))

do you journal? if you do -

here's a suggestion - while the incident is still fresh in your mind - why not write down an actual account of everything that happened. Be truthful, don't embellish, but do go into detail, especially all the emotions that you felt, before, during and after.

Then, as the days goes by and he continues to call, make promises of changed behaviors, best of intentions, guarantees of sobriety, professions of undying love - maybe read your journal - remember all that you went thru -

Then remember that most of the time it is usual best to base our decisions based on someone's actions rather than their words, intentions or heartfelt promises. They may be very sincere but the disease doesn't always allow them to follow thru on these promises.

Just a suggestion from someone who has walked this path - took me a while to stand firm - but once I realized talk was just that talk - I am a much happier and safer person.

Pink Hugs,
Rita
thanks for the advise miss pink! i am gone from the house. a step i never thought i'd get to. but here i am! right now i just want to keep my distance from him. i have been firm with him on the phone and do not instigate any kind of argument over it.... i feel safe and i am happy. i know all the steam he has and will blow up my ass but i'm not about to fall for any of it. i'm stronger than i've ever given myself credit for. he is going to do what he deems necessary and i'm going to do what i think is necessary for ME..... i dont' like journals. they are constant reminders of sad unhappy days and right now i am trying to forget them, not remember them!! hope you understand that
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:02 PM
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Good for you for getting yourself space from the addiction! I know that once I stepped away from the addiction - it became clear to me that I had to come up with a plan to keep myself away from the addiction long term. Hiding out with friends and family, while it gave me the peace I so desperately needed, didn't really provide a stable home environment for me and my children and dog.

I am proud of you for taking care of you... don't loose momentum!! Keep moving forward for YOU!!
-Shannon
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
Good for you for getting yourself space from the addiction! I know that once I stepped away from the addiction - it became clear to me that I had to come up with a plan to keep myself away from the addiction long term. Hiding out with friends and family, while it gave me the peace I so desperately needed, didn't really provide a stable home environment for me and my children and dog.

I am proud of you for taking care of you... don't loose momentum!! Keep moving forward for YOU!!
-Shannon
thanks.... and i will. and fortunatly i don't have small children or my own dog! and my mom is so wonderful. she is so happy to have me there and we have some wonderful things planned. i am going away this weekend to visit a friend about 1/2 days ride, then i am taking my mom to NYC for a day of shopping and maybe the rockettes! and then off to myrtle beach for a week. but you're right just the same....i want my own place..... my own couch, bed, table, kitchen!! one with spices and great kitchen gadgets!!! does everyone cook out of a box these days???
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i dont' like journals. they are constant reminders of sad unhappy days and right now i am trying to forget them, not remember them!! hope you understand that
I understand that. They only remind you, though, if you actually read them.
The thing is, there may come a time when you start to think "it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, I had to have exaggerated." The journal helps then, it reminds us when we need to remember, so that we don't repeat the same mistake by deluding ourselves regarding the truth.

This post here may help with that, as well, of course. But in my case a journal helped me so much with my resolve that I was done and it was over. As sure as I was when I decided, I kept doubting myself, and needed the reminders.


I'm so glad you got away, and safely!
Take care of yourself, you've got a lot of time to make up for.
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:51 PM
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i'm ashamed to say that its not so much undying love that i have for him but more like pity.... i feel like i am desserting him in his hour of need. but please, understand, not enough to make me run back... i fell out of love with him. and it makes me feel bad that it happened because of a disease. would i dessert someone with cancer? am i wrong to feel this way? because i dont' want to be wrong anymore!
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:56 PM
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There are no "rights" and "wrongs" when it comes to feelings. Feelings just are. It's what we do with them that matters.

To answer your question,

would i dessert someone with cancer?
I would hope so, if they chased you around with a meat cleaver! Alcoholism is not a free pass to behave like a freakin' jerk. Neither is cancer. It's not about the disease, it's about the behavior.

L
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Old 10-06-2011, 01:00 PM
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Someone who has cancer does not come after you with a meat clever!
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Old 10-06-2011, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post

.... but i told him i am not coming home and if there is even a slight chance of it it would only be if he goes to rehab and not just for 5 days again, but for at least a month +...... i have such a wonderful supportive circle of frineds and family and i surly feeled blessed. i may even go to chruch on sunday!
Rehab is not a magic cure. At best, it can teach a highly motivated addict/alcoholic some of the tools of recovery. The hard part is post rehab and applying new skills to real life for the rest of one's life.

Does not sound like the mad man is contemplating a life change any time soon. That's OK. You have made the decision that you will no longer associate with mad men, right.
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Old 10-06-2011, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i'm ashamed to say that its not so much undying love that i have for him but more like pity.... i feel like i am desserting him in his hour of need.
Come on now, what's the real reason?
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Old 10-06-2011, 04:52 PM
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here's a suggestion - while the incident is still fresh in your mind - why not write down an actual account of everything that happened. Be truthful, don't embellish, but do go into detail, especially all the emotions that you felt, before, during and after.

Then, as the days goes by and he continues to call, make promises of changed behaviors, best of intentions, guarantees of sobriety, professions of undying love - maybe read your journal - remember all that you went thru -
Absolutely.
I had to relay my story, start to finish, first to my lawyer and then in court (to get a restraining order -- I recommend you do, too, if you haven't already). I asked for a transcript and every time I've thought about getting swayed to trusting the rants of an actively drinking A, all I've had to do is pick up the envelope. I haven't even read it. Just picking up the envelope is enough for it to all come flooding back.

You are a survivor, and a fighter, and I applaud you for getting out and taking care of yourself.

And seriously, again: Get a protective order and go no-contact. If you don't talk to him, he can't sweet-talk you with his BS.
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Old 10-06-2011, 04:54 PM
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Oh, and ask yourself this: How much has your presence in his life helped him with this whole getting sober business to this point?

It's like I say to my kids (and I do because I said it to myself for years before I actually left): If you do what you want, he might get upset and sad and angry. If you do what he wants, you WILL get sad and upset and miserable. Which one of those two outcomes do you prefer? And more importantly, which one of those two outcomes are you responsible for?
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:02 PM
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Good for you for leaving. I've been the woman who didn't call the police when I should have or who covered for AH when I did and I understand. It's not healthy, it's not safe, it's not wise-- but we're as sick as them in many ways and when I did those things I was in the throws of my own sickness (codie, enabler, guilt through the roof, believed I'd provoked him etc...)

He'll surely have apologies up the wazoo soon if not already and promises etc... Please heed this advice. ACTIONS over time, not WORDS in moments of desperation are what count.

And like Lillamy said, I'd take a shot at going to get a RO. His coming at you with a huge knife is very scary... Who knows how he'll behave when days/weeks go by and you are still away. Without a RO I feel worried for you.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:08 PM
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You did good! As a recovering alcoholic this statement bothered me:

if there is even a slight chance of it it would only be if he goes to rehab and not just for 5 days again, but for at least a month
5 days is not "rehab". Heck it barely qualifies as detox. There is a huge difference between rehab and detox.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:13 PM
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Just because you are done with him does not mean he is done with you. I have been stalked and terrorized. Protect yourself, please.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:40 PM
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I am glad that you are physically safe and working through the rest of it.
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