please help me to understand

Old 11-22-2011, 03:00 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Breakingglass, I am soo sooo sorry you are going through all this. If you aren't getting anything out of the therapist sessions you are currently going to, find someone else, and go by yourself. If you don't want to try al-anon, then see if there is another support group nearby. Sometimes you can find them through places like Womens Resource Centers, or something similar that might be in your area. Otherwise, go to the Al-anon. You deserve better . Is there a way that you can "get away", on vacation or somewhere just for a few days out of town, even out of state... visit family, or book a weekend in a hotel, just to be alone, walk with your thoughts.... where you aren't caught up in the drama of your daily life?
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:28 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I have found a number of the RI meetings in the southern part of the state very helpful and to have warm, inviting people. In general I found it to be an active group, state etc.

I knew my exAH struggled with alcohol one day before I had known him two years. It took me another five years to get into the doors of Al-anon. My only regret is all of the time I wasted. Growing up in a very religious family I was very concerned about the God concept that I had heard talked about in regards to 12 Step groups. Just before finding myself going to Al-anon I was using the religion of my birth as an adjective "Oh this feels C......." whenever I was feeling guilty, giving too much of myself etc.

I have found Al-anon has helped me get a handle on MY spirtuality and what works for me. That is only one of the gifts of Al-anon that I have gained. It not only helped me in my relationships with all the As in my life, but has helped me in relationships in general. I am actually starting to learn boundaries and I am not sure I thought that was ever possible.

I have also done a lot of individual counseling which has been very helpful. We tried marriage counseling, but my exAH and I were on different recovery paths and this did not work as well for us. I did see our marriage counselor some on my own which was really, really helpful.

It took me a bit to feel comfortable with the journey of recovery, but I am so grateful and glad that I took those rocky first steps. It has been the best gift to myself.
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Old 11-22-2011, 08:09 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i will, however, feel guilty for leaving him alone. i will feel responsible should something bad happen to him.... not because he put those feelings there but because that is who I am as a person. i've been picking up the guilt from family members my entire life. my sister moved away and is happy and doesn't think anything of leaving behind her family....but i can not do that..... i can't leave my mother because i am the one she depends on. so i am stuck here whether i want to be or not. i guess my past did in deed dictate my future because i am stuck with my AH and leaving would be like leaving my mother behind to fend for herself. when my sister was going through a very difficult time, i took on that guilt too and let her move in with us. it was hard but i HAD to do it. i'm always "having" to do something to make everything all better. i wish i didn't feel sorry for people so much. this is my biggest fear leaving him. if i see him on the street, etc, i will not have flashbacks and be fearful, i will sink with the weight of guilt that i will be feeling.....
This is from one of our permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum:

3. Guilt

Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."

This is one of my favorite stickies. These steps have helped me identify cycles I tend to repeat. Here is the link to the other Hooks that keep us in boundary-less relationships:
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:31 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Hi breakingglass,
sorry you're going through this.
I joined this forum in 2004. and for the next 6 years I'd post occasionally when things got very bad, I'd stick around for awhile, and than I'd be gone for the long time, since it wasn't me who had a problem, and I wasn't religious ( and didn't see how can God/HP do anything about what I'm dealing with).

It took me years to realize it is indeed me who has the problem, as I was the one staying in marriage that wasn't working, in life that was nothing than misery and agony. Yes it was all because of this drinking, but that was his problem, mine was that I let it affect my own life.

I also realized it was my own defensivness that was making it impossible for me to get out of the situation. I guess, I felt that if I let go of that I'll have nothing left, it was my protective shield, it never occured to me that it was the very thing that was hurting me the most. You see it was all about me.

On the subject of spirituality, that was hard one for me too, but once I started letting down my defences I found way to my own spirituality too. I too, as Mike, believe in universe, life, that there are forces stronger than ourselves we know nothing of. I aslo believe in myself, as part of that universe. In that sense I can almost say I'm the part of God and the God is part of me. It doesn't matter which terminology we use, it is just about admitting I'm not the one that has control over everything, and finding peace and comfort with that thought. I believe the more I'm in touch with my true self the more I'm in touch with universe/life/God. It takes honesty, loving yourself and giving yourself a break to get there.

I'm sorry but it seems to be you're being too hard on yourself, you're finding it hard to forgive yourself you're ended up in this situation. You're only human, we all make mistakes, but we can learn from them. It doesn't matter what we did, but what are we going to do.

I wish you well
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Old 11-23-2011, 08:11 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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I, too, resisted Al-Anon, but not for the same reasons. I didn't want to have to be doing something because of HIS drinking. I went for the first time last night, though, and must say - I should never have waited.
The meetings are only an hour - maybe sit in on a couple of them and see if they're for you - you certainly are under no obligation to ever go back. But I think you will see there that there are different ways of thinking that will empower you to make the changes you need to for yourself.
At any rate, I wish you the very best. Please get yourself safe.
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cymbal (11-23-2011)
Old 11-23-2011, 08:36 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Please help you understand?

All I can say is when I find the answer for me, then I will share.

But....I'm still stuck....on purpose.

I know me, and if I don't try to at least attempt to "fix" the brokenness in myself,then I'll just choose the same thing the next time. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

12 Step programs help me to examine myself like an inventory in a store.
I see what is missing and count what is there. My hp is the "boss" who I ask to "order" more of what is missing, and ask for strategies to "move" stockpiles.
My sponsor is kind of like a foreperson. We bounce ideas/suggestions off of each other.
I did not learn healthy coping skills growing up, so the program helps me learn a different set of skills. I became aware that dysfunction does not work, and accepted that I have to work hard to gain new skills to re-update/add. I have trouble with the action. Action(new) vs. procrastination(old) is a constant bout. I am a work in progress, and to be honest old wins now.

I hope that eventually I'll be able to take action. The action that I focus on now is going to my meetings, but for me its like taking medicine (not pleasant but necessary).
To quote Buzz Lightyear,"To infinity and beyond." Lol!
Thank you for asking your question!
Thank you to everyone who shared!
Thank you for letting me share!
Please take what you like and leave the rest!
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:25 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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The action that I focus on now is going to my meetings, but for me its like taking medicine (not pleasant but necessary).
That really surprised me. I truly enjoy going to meetings. I always come out of a meeting feeling better than when I walked in. I only go twice a week but I always look forward to going.

Your friend,
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