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Need some help getting grounded again

Old 06-08-2011, 05:45 AM
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Need some help getting grounded again

AH's brother sent me a series of lewd texts on Sunday. I stupidly contacted AH and told him (and fwd'd them to him) and told him I'd be blocking BIL's number and if it continued, would be seeking a restraining order.

AH put on a show of calling his brother and reaming him out and I got lulled for a second into thinking he was setting boundaries with his family about what is and is not acceptable.

Next thing I know BIL is sending me copies of emails that AH has sent him recently that were horrible, mean rants about me. BIL obviously sent them to hurt me, to make it clear (as if it wasn't already) that AH has never and will never disapprove of his family's abuse toward me. I shouldn't be surprised, I shouldn't be hurt etc... But I am.

Today I got an email from AH telling me that it is clear I have concocted an elaborate lie and "faked" the texts (that he SAW!!!!) from his brother and they will be getting to the bottom of this.

I am honestly scared of the lengths they will go to to make me look bad. The concocting of stories, faking emails/texts etc... are all things I have NO doubt AH and his family will find ways to do to paint me as the crazy, evil, harassing one.

I am most upset with myself for ever sharing the texts with AH. I went to the hardware store looking for bread I guess and now things are 10 x worse than they were before I shared the texts with him.

I'm really, really concerned about how far they will take this. AH and his family are frighteningly manipulative and crazy and I'm genuinely scared and really need to let go and accept that whatever happens happens, but I am having a really hard time doing that this morning.
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:21 AM
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wantToBeHealthy, I have no experience with this type of situation and of course my codie wants to jump in with all sorts of advice.

(((((hugs)))))

My gut feel is that you have dealt with this kind of BS before. Go back to doing what worked. You know how you handled it in the past.

So, deep breaths and get back to living YOUR life. They'll do whatever they'll do with or without your input.

Keep on keeping on.

Your friend,
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:33 AM
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Perhaps it is decision time for you, as you are the only persons behavior you can control. You are letting them into your life, you are allowing them to disrupt your peace. They cannot do this if you don't allow it.

So, have you thought about limiting your interaction with hubby? Keeping the interchange directly related to your children? As for BIL, and the rest of their gang, I'd block'em.

Try and calm down, this is all a game to them, they accomplished their mission, they hurt and upset you.

You know the truth, that's all that matters.
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:37 AM
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(((wtbh))) All I can say is.....block, ignore, go no contact.....for your own health and sanity and peace.

I hope that you can know how much more you deserve than the abuse you receive from stbxah and all his family.

HG
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:47 AM
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And one more thing: Take a deep breath and don't act out of fear. Save the texts, yes, but don't scare yourself witless about what may or may nor happen. Just be glad you can cut them out if your life. And take deep breaths. Again.
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
AH put on a show of calling his brother and reaming him out and I got lulled for a second into thinking he was setting boundaries with his family about what is and is not acceptable.
It's your beliefs that are hurting you.

Even after continued actions that proved otherwise, I continued to believe that my AH was a husband, partner and friend. I believed that he was someone I could turn to when I needed protection. I believed all these things because that is what I believed a husband should be. I was not wrong to believe that is the role of a husband.

For me, it was all wrapped up in the acceptance and letting go part. I had a hard time accepting that I chose someone for the role of husband in my life who did not meet those expectations. I had a hard time letting go of the expectations of the role as opposed to the person. I kept believing he would somehow come to his senses and start fulfilling the role. I set myself up for hurt and disappointment over and over again.

I couldn't let go until I separated him from the role I had cast him in. After that, I stopped touching the hot stove.

L
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:20 AM
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In Laws from hell I can relate. I found that the best thing I ever did was stopped having any contact with them. I let me RAH have his relationship with them and I have nothing to do with them. Best thing I ever did
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:48 AM
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It really does go back to my beliefs. If I hadn't told AH of BIL's texts there'd have been no room for the craziness that has come since.

I've been NC with the in laws from hell for quite a while and they have not stopped trying to contact me. I've returned cards, deleted phone calls, saved emails but not replied... Something about the text really really disturbed me more than the rest and it was idiotic of me to reach out to AH.

Now all I can do is ignore the craziness swirling around and I know I can only control me but right now I am having a really hard time doing even that. I can't stop worrying about what they "might" do. I hate with a passion the amt of energy AH and his family have put into painting me as a terrible person to anyone who will listen and no, I guess I am NOT strong enough to not let that bother me.

I work hard day in and out to do what is right and be a good person and none of that matters bc AH and his family con everyone they choose to talk to. Colleagues of AH's who know us BOTH have been conned. They KNOW me and yet they believe what AH spews. His family, with no proof that I've done anything to hurt any of them EVER (bc I haven't) hate me and are convinced I am evil.

And yes, I am letting it get to me. I guess I am hoping that by saying it aloud and purging it so to speak it'll lessen some of its grip on me. I talked to my T yesterday and my sponsor and am doing all the right things and just am finding it tougher than usual to deal with this this time around.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Something about the text really really disturbed me more than the rest and it was idiotic of me to reach out to AH.
You are not idiotic. Or stupid, or foolish, or any of the other things you may be telling yourself.

Codependency has nothing to do with intelligence, or lack of. It has to do with conditioning on a very deep emotional level. I am a very intelligent person, yet I spent 20 years married to an alcoholic. Please don't look at this as an intellectual problem. It's not. Being codependent does not equal being stupid. And all the smarts in the world will not cure it.

L
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:24 AM
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THEY should be worried more about what YOU might do. Sending that crap to you is cold hard evidence of harassment. Even you said in your first post if BIL continued, you'd get a restraining order. A RO doesn't look very good on someone's record at all.

It reminds me of the time my exhusband texted me a sex joke after we were divorced AND when I was STILL working at his business! It upset me at first, but after I thought about it a brilliant thought came to mind.. hmm... We're not married anymore, and as of right now, I am his employee... I could nail his ass for sexual harassment.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:46 AM
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:meditate

I'm sorry this has knocked the wind out of you.

You can let all that go, and I know you know that. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you reach that point because it is so freeing.

I eventually reached that point and it did not matter what my ah said, or what he told his family, or what any of them believed. I could walk past all that and breath a sigh of relief that I no longer had to consider it, defend it, or let it bother me.

I know I had trouble putting a space between where my ah ended and I began. I was shocked by that realization because we were not intimate in the emotional sense for such a long time, not truly emotionally connected ever probably due to each of our own issues. There was nearly complete detachment there and yet when I read more about boundaries - I realized more and more I had none. Without those boundaries, his beliefs somehow made it all true - and so I had to correct, defend, explain. So along with detachment I had to work hard at creating some boundaries (even after we were separated) so I could push that stuff out, lob it back over my wall, - and let it go.

I did not have to deal with anything like those text messages. His family didn't contact me at all.

You might be surprised at who has NOT been conned. Also - maybe it is time for you to make some new friends, that are all your own without any history or connection with your ah.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:10 AM
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My X tried after we were divorced to get a rise out of me by saying I had ruined my stepkids lives. It was insane. They were in their 20's and didn't live with us. He gave me a small divorce settlement that HE proposed. So his giving me that little bit of money in his fermented mind ment I ruined their lives ? It bothered me for a minute. "What other people think of me is not my business. " They are sick. In sick families it doesn't make sense to make sense of them. They are sick.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
It's your beliefs that are hurting you.

Even after continued actions that proved otherwise, I continued to believe that my AH was a husband, partner and friend. I believed that he was someone I could turn to when I needed protection. I believed all these things because that is what I believed a husband should be. I was not wrong to believe that is the role of a husband.

For me, it was all wrapped up in the acceptance and letting go part. I had a hard time accepting that I chose someone for the role of husband in my life who did not meet those expectations. I had a hard time letting go of the expectations of the role as opposed to the person. I kept believing he would somehow come to his senses and start fulfilling the role. I set myself up for hurt and disappointment over and over again.

I couldn't let go until I separated him from the role I had cast him in. After that, I stopped touching the hot stove.

L
Wow, this! I've done this over and over again until last month, when I realized I had not detached from the role of "wife" nor the expectation he would act as a "husband", even separated. I prayed and meditated over this for weeks. I finally put away all my "wedding stuff", including my rings. It was kind of a symbolic version of what LaTeeDa describes above; removing him from that role has allowed me to back off and stop expecting unrealistic actions from him. It has also allowed me to back way off physically and have little contact with him, which is also helpful!

If you have a smartphone, block the BIL's # from calling or texting you. Google call black and you can find apps for this - many for free.

And nurse your burned hand today...take this as a lesson learned that validates your position of needing to separate yourself from your AH (and his family) to save your sanity. Harassment is harassment...only you can end that. They won't, as long as they see it works. Negative attention is attention!

Hugs,
~T

P.S. They are JERKS!
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:30 AM
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WTBH,

I'd block all contacts from these in-laws.

Another thing I learned about 10 years ago when I was getting mean, nasty emails from a niece. (Passive-aggressives do that; they say things in the email they wouldn't say to your face.) After a few nasty emails, I decided that from then on, anytime I'm reading an email from ANYBODY and it gets nasty---that's when I stop reading it. Or any other emails from that person.

Best to you--keep comin' back.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:33 AM
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Honey, my two alcoholic brothers did that to me all the time. (I am a recovering alkie: I know this landscape)..They would send me copies of e-mail discussions they had about me!!!! How cruel is that? The worst alpha teen beeatches in high school do that kind of stuff, it hurts when it comes from your own brothers.

Gawd, it would just kill me. But then, I would realize the truth. They were drunk when they wrote those hurtful e-mails: calling me a loser and what not.

And, yeah, they e-mailed the next day saying they were sorry. What they really should have said was that they were drunk.

The BIL is probably an alcoholic too. Normal guys would not do that kind of sick stuff.
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:13 AM
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If a restraining order is a serious consideration, now or in the future, please be sure to tell or send whomever, "do not contact me ever again or I'll file charges." Then don't respond to any replies. It's a legal necessity and note the time and date. The courts usually want to know that you've said NO and STOP in clear language.

I got this piece of advice from a local sheriff, when RAD's ex bf kept calling my house, texting, drive by's, etc. He was right and I was prepared when I filed.
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:22 AM
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Yes my BIL is an alcoholic as well. The day that AH was to go to an inpatient program he showed up with 2 18 packs of beer and well, the rest is history. They then told me that bc of my nagging that's why AH needed to drink and if I'd been x, y, and z he'd have gone to rehab.

This is how nuts my mind is right now. I believe what THEY are saying about being able to get ME in trouble for their accusations that I faked the texts. I didn't fake the texts, I have them in black and white but bc BIL was in my contacts it just showed up as his name, not his # so AH and BIL are trying to convince me (and themselves) that I faked the texts and that they will be pursuing legal action to prove that I did something wrong here.

My head is spinning I am a nervous PTSD mess. I KNOW I did nothing wrong but my life's history is that I do nothing to cause something to happen to me and when I express that I am upset it gets twisted and I turn into the bad guy. This is like deja vu of my childhood and my experience tells me that when someone is sick enough they CAN distort reality to fit what they want to believe and make others believe.

I already contacted at&t and blocked his # and now on the usage records it doesn't show the history of texts coming in this weekend (I called at&t customer service and they couldn't give me an answer to this either). I'm trying to stay calm but it's turning into a nightmare and I guess ultimately I'm creating it.

I'm the person who as a kid approached my mom bc teachers and guidance counselors at my high school all told me someone had to talk to my mom about my sister's anorexia and presumably they were all too scared to talk to my mom directly? Anyway, I talked to her about my sister and what I was seeing at school, what the teachers were concerned about etc.. and my mother called the police to talk to me about slander. The police came to my house, sat me down with my siblings looking on and talked to ME about slander. My mom stood there and told them I was seriously mentally ill, jealous of my sister and refusing help and violent (not true any of it). The police then told me that if they had to return I might have to talk to a juvenile probation officer about my "out of control" behavior.

THAT is my experience of what happens when you tell the truth and express concern that someone is doing something harmful. I KNOW how the police can be manipulated by SICK individuals (my mother is bpd and bi polar) and I am terrified of what my AH and BIL will do or could do if they really wanted to (and as they are claiming they will) cause me harm.

I have been saying the serenity prayer over and over today and it's helping a bit.... I am sorry to be so nuts today-- I just am feeling at a dead end and not sure what to do. It's one thing to be in control of my own life and quite another to have others actively working to impact my life negatively....

Thanks for listening.
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:33 AM
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IF they do anything, which I don't think they will (sounds like they are just trying to hurt you) AT&T will produce the evidence which will show that he did in fact texted you. That information is within their system and can be produced if need be. I know your head is spinning on the what ifs, but from someone who is on the outside of this all I see is two mean people trying to get to you and blowing a bunch of hot air. Go no contact and really try to put this behind you (I know way easier said than done), but I think once you see that they are not moving forward on their threats and it will blow over you will feel better. Honestly it is them who will have problems not you. You have the proof and they have lies. Crazy people...you are smart to get away from it all.
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:33 AM
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wtbh, I'm not really sure they (your ah and family) can do anything at all legally. Some texts were sent around, ownership may be unclear and the text messages weren't nice.
I really don't think this is anything to get worried about. It sounds juvenile and sophomoric, not something to be concerned about. If this were a legally liable situation just about every high school and college student in the country would need to be worried.

The are generating drama and you are responding. To nip this in the bud stop responding.

Your friend,
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:36 AM
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Thanks guys,
I know that their threats are in all likelihood worse than what they will actually do but having had the experiences I did as a kid with a mother who DID follow through on her crazy threats and did punish me (and was believed) when I'd done absolutely nothing wrong, I am feeling an awful lot like that scared kid again who doesn't know what's around the next corner.

I need this day to end so I can go for a run, try to clear my head and hopefully get to a meeting tonight...

Dark light- Yes I am in al anon & I appreciate the prayers-- I really do.
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