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Need some help getting grounded again

Old 06-09-2011, 07:25 AM
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Here's to NO MORE VICTIMS!
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:01 AM
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I'd go no contact even from your husband for awhile. When I was worked up I had a hard time letting go - kind of like LTD describes - and I'd sometimes tell myself that if I can't let it go I can at least quit feeding it and let it die. Kind of evil of me but sometimes the high road is just a few inches to high

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Thanks Lexie and Mike. You're right-- I should change my cell #.

I just feel like I look like the guilty party since there is no "evidence" other than the texts themselves and AH and his brother are convinced I created them fakely which I am sure is possible and I HATE not being believed.

When I screw up I admit it and I don't go about doing underhanded evil things and I hate hate hate that they see me as someone who WOULD do this. I don't understand how I've been married and with someone for 10+ yrs and he clearly doesn't know me at all....
Please know that they do not believe this. They are playing a game - a game alcoholics play very well. They are ganging up on you because you are rocking the alcoholic boat.

What they say is NOT who you are. You have the truth in your heart and in your life. You are who you are, and you are a good and wonderful person. You will remain that same good and wonderful person no matter what they say. They are wrong and they know it. They are playing a mean and cruel game. The only way to win this game is to not play.
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:12 AM
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I will be seeing all of them this weekend for my D5's Kindergarten graduation and Spring Concert. I'd hoped AH would not invite them or would forget about these events himself and not show but no such luck.

I just wish they'd picked a different time to pull this crap. Being on the same planet with them sucks enough right now and having to share a really special, happy occassion with them all and the negativity they bring to every setting just really really sucks.
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:20 AM
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hmmm.
That would be an awkward situation.

I try really hard to shift how I think about things. You don't have to share didly squat with them. Just accept that they'll be there.

Share the special day with the kiddo.
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Old 06-09-2011, 10:20 AM
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Here's what I told my T yesterday. It would be a lot easier if AH would die. That's how I am feeling right now. I know that I can only control myself and my feelings etc... but I feel like Job right about now. I'm throwing my hands up and saying "I give up-- HP take over" and what I am finding is that things are getting exponentially crazier.

I'm killing myself to find a job and everytime I am close something happens that makes it not work out. I am disheartened by that, my ego is wounded that I'm not employed for next year yet, I feel awful that the girls are having to say bye to their friends at the end of this week bc I can't afford to send them to summer camp at all - after assuring them all Spring that I'd find a way (didn't count on AH spending any extra $ we had on god only knows what).

All I want is to be left alone by AH and his family. I want NOTHING from them. No admissions of guilt, no apologies. I just want them to leave me alone and I can't even get that.

I know I sound miserable and negative and I'm sorry. It's how I feel right now and I just need to vent at the moment... I know it's not constructive but right now I am tired of trying to be positive and work my program etc... All that I continue to find is that the harder I try to not be impacted by AH and his crap, the harder he and now his family, try to make me crazy.

I'm about one step away from kidnapping my kids and disappearing (not really, but the thought is appealing).
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Old 06-09-2011, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Here's what I told my T yesterday. It would be a lot easier if AH would die. That's how I am feeling right now. I know that I can only control myself and my feelings etc... but I feel like Job right about now. I'm throwing my hands up and saying "I give up-- HP take over" and what I am finding is that things are getting exponentially crazier.
Just curious - how did your T respond to that? I said something similar to my T last month - he told me not to come back to counseling if I was not ready to work on moving forward and that kind of spot would keep me stuck, rendering counseling a waste of time and money. At this point, I can agree with that! Three weeks ago it pissed me off!
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Old 06-09-2011, 11:55 AM
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More importantly, why are you involved?
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:16 PM
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WTBH I just wanted to say I believe you and I would be willing to bet there are quite a few others on here that do to! I'm sorry you have to see their faces at DD graduation, but I would sit as far away from them as you can and have as little contact with them as you can. The cooler you are the better.

I also hear ya on the -I'm tired of working my program and being all positive- I frankly am just tired of having to think about addiction and alcoholics at all right now. It would be great if we could just take a break from it all, a little vacation....but that is not going to happen at least not right now for either of us. I'd really like to have just a "normal" life...whatever that is.

Good luck on the job search. Chin up, you can do it!
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Just curious - how did your T respond to that? I said something similar to my T last month - he told me not to come back to counseling if I was not ready to work on moving forward and that kind of spot would keep me stuck, rendering counseling a waste of time and money. At this point, I can agree with that! Three weeks ago it pissed me off!
I guess whether it appears on here or not, my T has (as have I) seen me make huge changes with what I am accepting, what steps I am taking etc... So, while I love him for being a hard a$$ and not coddling me, I had a rough T appt this week where I just bawled and he wasn't comforting in the sense of saying "yeah, he should be dead" but he also was like "I understand why you're at that point" and then we talked about the steps I'm taking to be as separate as possible emotionally and physically from AH. He doesn't coddle at all and has at times said things much like yours and I've been pissed in the moment but go back the next week grateful for the metaphorical kick in the butt. There's a lot going on that I'm not going into on here that I do share with him and I guess he felt that my feeling overwhelmed right about now is pretty darned warrented...
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
More importantly, why are you involved?
I don't understand your question. Why am I involved in being texted and harassed by my BIL? I guess bc I didn't know I should have had him blocked and now I do. Is that what you mean?
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I will be seeing all of them this weekend for my D5's Kindergarten graduation and Spring Concert. I'd hoped AH would not invite them or would forget about these events himself and not show but no such luck.

I just wish they'd picked a different time to pull this crap. Being on the same planet with them sucks enough right now and having to share a really special, happy occassion with them all and the negativity they bring to every setting just really really sucks.
This is an example of what my sponsor calls loading the gun before the event ever happens.

If I'm expecting the worst possible situation with others during the event, there's a good chance that is exactly what I will get.

That was a hard behavior/attitude to unlearn for me...it took years.

Go with your head held high and focus on your D5 and his activities for the evening! Celebrate his achievements!

Leave the negativity where it belongs....at their feet, not yours.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:50 PM
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Yeah, you just gotta stay no contact no matter what. I can tell my AH is trying to get a rise out of me. He knows that I hate being accused of things I didn't do and he has nothing else to accuse me of so he invented this idea that I am having an affair. It drives me nuts because he tells everyone this, he says he had a private investigator go by my house and saw some van as evidence of my "affair", which is impossible because I don't even really have any friends that come over so I have no visitors! He has been on this topic for months, I should just let it roll off my back but to be honest, it really bugs me! I am working very hard to let it go and not let him know it drives me crazy. It is really a challenge not to engage, but it's the only way to go. There is nothing you can say to make them act normal.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:09 PM
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It occurs to me that it might be helpful to have a game plan for the graduation. Having a game plan always helped me because I don't think on my feet very well. I need something to focus on and I tried not to be blindsided.

So for instance you know you'll see him so do not engage. Nod and move on to another spot. Ignore their words, glances, etc. I needed a plan of what I would say in my head or where I would walk to sometimes get through things like this. When things begin to wind down leave to eliminate the opportunity for more awkwardness. Have a plan on how to avoid a conflict. Do you have a friend that can go with you? One that you can confide in so she knows the deal and you can have a signal that means "I need out of this situation for a minute" or something like that. I did not have that friend but I sure longed for one! Or one that can come and touch your elbow if she notices you are beginning to engage.
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:40 AM
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My game plan right now is that after I received this cc from my MIL (enmeshed with AH, my FIL is a violent alcoholic and she made AH into her surrogate spouse from a young age) I told AH if he or his family come anywhere near me I will call the police and have them sort out what's happening.

I know it's quacking but I'm not insane for finding this a thinly veiled way of saying "we love you and WTBH is against us all" right?

R: Be very weary. One might try to isolate you from your 'born to' family
by trying to make you doubt them. I'm nervous. Now that J lives closer,
who knows? I will never forsake you and neither would J, C or Dad. Pls
know that. I think you do. I'll keep you posted as to J.
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:51 AM
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wtbh, good luck with today. Enjoy the graduation and ignore the side show, for that's what it is. ((((hugs))))

Sometimes when I'm dealing with difficult issues I pretend it's happening to someone else and then look at it from a detached and less emotional perspective. It this was happening to someone else what would you tell them based on your experience?

Sometimes this helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Either way focus on the day and PLAN to enjoy it.

Your friend,
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Old 06-10-2011, 07:26 AM
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at this point, i would just block your husband from your email...if he wants to call you to discuss the kids or paying bills, he has your phone number at the house...all you need is for him to provide support and pay his fair share of the joint bills.

you don't need to see CC's on emails from his mommy....she is interjecting herself into the circle jerk.
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Old 06-10-2011, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I guess whether it appears on here or not, my T has (as have I) seen me make huge changes with what I am accepting, what steps I am taking etc... So, while I love him for being a hard a$$ and not coddling me, I had a rough T appt this week where I just bawled and he wasn't comforting in the sense of saying "yeah, he should be dead" but he also was like "I understand why you're at that point" and then we talked about the steps I'm taking to be as separate as possible emotionally and physically from AH. He doesn't coddle at all and has at times said things much like yours and I've been pissed in the moment but go back the next week grateful for the metaphorical kick in the butt. There's a lot going on that I'm not going into on here that I do share with him and I guess he felt that my feeling overwhelmed right about now is pretty darned warrented...
WTBH - good...you have a good T...I do as well even when he pisses me off, but he knows I take bluntness better than soft pedaling it.

A few weeks ago I posted a thread about being in a weird place...didn't want to go to Al-Anon...depressed, sad, angry, etc. Some wise people told me I was most likely on the verge of something good. After a big nasty fight with the RAH, in desperation I called my sponsor about detachment. I recognized I really needed to detach all the time; my life was still unmanageable and I needed to fix that pronto. I got some books, read all weekend, and bounced right out of my funk. Some posts here helped, getting back to Al-Anon helped. Reading about detachment helped. And I have been able to practice the skills that I read about so I know now it does work - even if it feels weird at first (almost like I am not standing up for myself, which is a complete 180 from what I was taught growing up).

Now I can say I feel a huge weight lifted off of me.

Hang in there. This may end up being an amazing growing experience for you as you learn to deal with these people differently to protect your sanity.

Prayers for a calm, peaceful weekend, regardless of what they do.
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