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Need some help getting grounded again

Old 06-08-2011, 10:43 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
wtbh, I'm not really sure they (your ah and family) can do anything at all legally. Some texts were sent around, ownership may be unclear and the text messages weren't nice.
I really don't think this is anything to get worried about. It sounds juvenile and sophomoric, not something to be concerned about. If this were a legally liable situation just about every high school and college student in the country would need to be worried.

The are generating drama and you are responding. To nip this in the bud stop responding.

Your friend,
Hi Mike,
Thanks for this bit of perspective--
Just to be clear-- I haven't responded to them at all since the texts came in and I shared them with AH thinking he'd at the very least not turn on me as he has.
I'm not letting them know how stressed I am bc I am not communicating with them. They continue to send emails but I am not responding-- I guess I should stop opening them but I am afraid of being blindsided by something they are threatening to do to me (involve the police to claim that I sent myself the texts and am lying that BIL did it) so I read the emails and torture myself by seeing what they have to say... I'm just sharing with all of you what's going on in my head but certainly not with them.

One thing I've learned is that letting on to AH that I am this upset definitely makes things worse... At least I'm remembering one thing I've learned. Now if only I could go back in time and not share the texts with AH.
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:51 AM
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Simple solution, SAVE EVERYTHING. If it persists, go to police. What those 2 QUACKING idiots have forgotten or never knew, is that the police can get the phones very easily of BIL phone and compare the time you received them and when they were sent from BIL:'s phone. You don't have to read the emails, just save them

Your in-laws are out and out harassing you. Also please remember, whether they are talking or typing

they are

QUACKING.

These will also come in handy in Court for the divorce when custody and/or visitation is discussec. There is not a judge that I can think of that would give an asinine juvenile unsupervised visitation. All he is doing is 'hanging' himself.

If he calls to talk about the children, fine, if he tries to change the subject, all you have to do is say

"Have to go now, bye." and hang up. Or if he calls to try one of his manipulation maneuvers that you do not hear one of the girls name by the 3rd word ..................

"I don't have time right now, bye." and hang up.

I had thought you had made up your mind to get the divorce, and if you hadn't yet, this should be the straw that breaks your back.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:00 AM
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wtbh, don't worry about them going to the police. As Laurie said they are quacking. When I said responding I didn't mean that you were responding back to them, maybe reacting would be a better word. Please don't let any of this bother you any more. Its nothing more than a tempest in a teapot.

((((hugs)))

Your friend,
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:27 AM
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Holly's Fight for Justice: The Smear Campaign of the Abuser...

It's starting to sound like the typical narcissistic smear campaign. The above link is a really good read on the topic. The coloring makes it hard to read in some places, but you can combat that by just highlighting the paragraphs. Maybe this will help.
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Old 06-08-2011, 12:16 PM
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Block his phone calls and, I suggest, make a decision to speak to anyone who isn't completely supportive, people you know are good for your life.
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Old 06-08-2011, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Block his phone calls and, I suggest, make a decision to speak to anyone who isn't completely supportive, people you know are good for your life.
Good post. Lately my mantra has been "how is this good for your recovery?". It really helps.
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Old 06-08-2011, 12:45 PM
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it's obvious that he is not going to play "fair"....don't have the expectation that his family will either....he has gone to them for validation of his behavior...he feels that smearing you will build him up...and you can pity him because it is all he has right now.

He is the big loser here, he lost his family, his wife and his comfy home life...he & his parents/brother may blame you for years...it's the only way he can justify his own downslide...because he certainly won't blame his drinking will he?

I went through a lot of the same thing....i've been divorced for 23 years and my former BIL will STILL harp on certain topics...REALLY....they cannot get over themselves...i had the misfortune to open an email from my former BIL (my daughter gave him my address) when my Xhusband died suddenly...it was surreal....once was enough, i immediately blocked the address.
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Old 06-08-2011, 01:57 PM
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Sorry you have to deal with this wanttobehealthy.
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Old 06-08-2011, 02:12 PM
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One suggestion that hasn't come up...contact your lawyer and inform him/her of this situation. It puts it on the record and he/she can best advise you. I doubt AH or ABIL have the cajones to actually follow through on their threats. Right now they are both acting like 14 year old children (apologies to all healthy 14 yr old.) and are "getting off" on harassing you. Document, document, document...and just let them try to get you in trouble. You will have the evidence and they'll have noting but a lot of hot air that smell like a brewery on overdrive.

I can see how this effected you the way it did...PTSD...but you don't have to handle it like you did when you had no power in the past. This moment, you my dear, do have the power!
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Old 06-08-2011, 04:20 PM
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Yeah, harrassment is illegal in alot of states. Definitely keep records, and report if you need to. Especially if your a threat to your well being is mentioned in any way... Cops love that, makes their job alot easier
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Old 06-08-2011, 04:48 PM
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We can't change the past but we can take many steps to make our present much better, and different, from what we learned and from what we have known!

I spent 30 years going to my dad for empathy and protection! I can't judge anyone here....

But a very small shift, some small acceptance I just won't get it from him, has made me feel sad at first -but very free afterwards.

I know I am vulnerable so my main focus these days is to

1 Talk only to wise, empathetic, healthier, and/or spiritual people
2 Ignore everyone else

I stopped talking and calling so many people, but the couple of friends I still got make all the difference. I stopped talking to all ex's, their family, their friends, even people with their first name, LOL! my life is truly better without toxic people. Its like when you want to lose weight, well have a boyfriend who visits McDonalds everyday and you won't get far, but hang around with gym instructors and you'll get there even without much effort... I am one of those that believe your friends and relationships are a mirror of yourself.

I have never seen beautiful elegant swans hanging around with noisy ducks. Not once.

HUGS!
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:11 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I think I am losing my mind. My cell phone company has NO record of his text. I have the text he sent but the records that AT&T has that you can see on line DO NOT SHOW that he sent me anything. How the HELL is that possible? And AH told me last night that BIL's records do not show that he sent me anything.

I have NO doubt that there is a legit way to make this happen but what it LOOKS like is that I am crazy and did JUST what they are accusing me of-- made up the text and somehow texted myself pretending to be BIL?!

I'm about to lose my mind.

Has anyone been through anything like this? AT&T said it's possible that bc I added his # to my blocked list, that any records of his # were expunged but that seems odd.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:29 AM
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Text records are very "iffy". I've tried to get them for cases (and believe me, we have the legal tools to get what the phone company has). They are not kept like records for phone calls. The records available seems to vary by company, and they are not kept for very long, I believe.

If I were you, I think I would block them (if possible) and let this go. The battle over proving who did what is probably not worth it. It will only suck up more of your time and emotional energy, which you need for other things.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:43 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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wtbh, take a couple of deep breadths and relax. ((((hugs))))

Now, there is nothing to be worried about. It's just some text messages. Lexie is right, put this behind you and move on.

And AH told me last night that BIL's records do not show that he sent me anything.
Go no contact. They are quacking. Stop reading his emails, texts and don't answer his calls. You have the choice on whether or not you want to have contact or not. You can't change what they are doing and you can't change what happened but you can let go and let god.

Sending good calming thoughts and prayers your way.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:52 AM
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One other thought (and I suggest this only to give you some peace of mind, not to suggest another avenue you should start investigating): It is possible to send someone a text message anonymously through the internet. I have sent myself texts to test my phone. So it could have been sent that way with very little involvement by the phone carrier.

I still think you need to let it go. You could also change your cell phone number, which would eliminate the problem.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:26 AM
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Thanks Lexie and Mike. You're right-- I should change my cell #.

I just feel like I look like the guilty party since there is no "evidence" other than the texts themselves and AH and his brother are convinced I created them fakely which I am sure is possible and I HATE not being believed.

When I screw up I admit it and I don't go about doing underhanded evil things and I hate hate hate that they see me as someone who WOULD do this. I don't understand how I've been married and with someone for 10+ yrs and he clearly doesn't know me at all....
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Thanks Lexie and Mike. You're right-- I should change my cell #.

I just feel like I look like the guilty party since there is no "evidence" other than the texts themselves and AH and his brother are convinced I created them fakely which I am sure is possible and I HATE not being believed.

When I screw up I admit it and I don't go about doing underhanded evil things and I hate hate hate that they see me as someone who WOULD do this. I don't understand how I've been married and with someone for 10+ yrs and he clearly doesn't know me at all....
Why are you surprised when an alcoholic acts like an alcoholic? It's their nature.

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Old 06-09-2011, 06:44 AM
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he is getting what he wants....you are upset...and this nonsense is making you feel craptastic...he knows your triggers and is pushing every button to get a reaction.

if you decide to change your phone number, give it to just your XH to contact you for the kids only...not to anyone else in his family. it will give you more control. You might consider setting up a new email address too and not give to anyone in his circle.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I just feel like I look like the guilty party since there is no "evidence" other than the texts themselves and AH and his brother are convinced I created them fakely which I am sure is possible and I HATE not being believed.
This is what letting go is all about. I spent years in a power struggle with my AH. I had a persistent need to prove I was right and he was wrong. I had to WIN. All it did was make me angry, unhappy, and crazy.

It was only when I stopped caring what he thought, what he said, what he did that I stopped feeling angry, unhappy and crazy.

Trying to convince him (or them) of anything is futile.

L
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:21 AM
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I just posted this on another thread but it seems fitting here. Maybe asking yourself if you would rather be right or have peace? Oftentimes, it is a choice between one or the other. Like LaTeeDa...I have engaged for too long in the power struggle. It has not made me a happy nor loving person. And it is not my problem, its his. So from this point forward I am choosing peace. I already know when I am right. I don't need anyone to define that for me.

You seem awfully worried about an outcome that hasn't happened yet and most likely won't happen. Remember the saying here "what others think of me is none of my business".
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