frustrated and tired
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Originally Posted by Morning Glory 
I put my son out homeless with no car. I did go to Wal-Mart first and get him a jacket, backpack, beanie to keep his head warm, gloves, shoes, and some food items to take with him. That was my way of feeling better about the whole thing. No money ever though. I took the tags off of everything so he didn't know where I bought it.
One other time he was dangerous and I had to leave him out in the cold rain all night too drunk to help himself. I wasn't sure he would make it. The police wouldn't help me. I handed him out a sandwich and cup of coffee in the morning and sent him walking.
He never lived with me again after that. It was really hard, but we both made it.
One other time he was dangerous and I had to leave him out in the cold rain all night too drunk to help himself. I wasn't sure he would make it. The police wouldn't help me. I handed him out a sandwich and cup of coffee in the morning and sent him walking.
He never lived with me again after that. It was really hard, but we both made it.
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
Chicory,
There are many moms on this forum and also on Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. We know the pain and fear involved in having our children be addicted. You're right, it's different when it's a child vs a boyfriend or spouse. The wise people here on SR told me that I could love my son right into his grave if I wasn't careful. They helped me to understand that he had to take responsibility for his own life and his own consequences, and that it was the most loving thing I could do to push him out the door to do that.
I had to work thru all of my conflicting emotions. Here's a letter I wrote during one of my darker times. I was able to post it here on SR and got the support I needed from other parents who had gone before me
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
There are many moms on this forum and also on Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. We know the pain and fear involved in having our children be addicted. You're right, it's different when it's a child vs a boyfriend or spouse. The wise people here on SR told me that I could love my son right into his grave if I wasn't careful. They helped me to understand that he had to take responsibility for his own life and his own consequences, and that it was the most loving thing I could do to push him out the door to do that.
I had to work thru all of my conflicting emotions. Here's a letter I wrote during one of my darker times. I was able to post it here on SR and got the support I needed from other parents who had gone before me
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
That is beautiful. I too, will continue my recovery. I think i have only scratched the surface. i think that there is a whole other way of living, that i dont know about.
hugs,
chicory
RIP Sweet Suki
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Don't forget, Chicory, that his dad offered for him to stay there if he agreed to some rules. It was your son's decision not to do that. He does have options and while they may not be ideal, I would think it would be better than the streets. Perhaps when he sees that you are serious about him leaving, he'll give his dad's offer a second thought.
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Way to go Chicory..you are making so much SENSE! Sorry he's giving you are hard time, but pretty part for the course,eh? You sound so..Alanony!
PS You already know I put my daughter out at 18 with nothing.
PS You already know I put my daughter out at 18 with nothing.
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Suki,
Actually, his dad withdrew the offer.
He told me that he does not want to hear any more about his son.
He told daughter not to tell me or son, but he wants to know what is going on.
Really, i am putting him out in the hopes that he will learn to take care of his self. He has his alcoholism to deal with , too.
I would rather see him go to the shelter, than to go to his dads. his dad and step mom are not good for him either. when he lived with his dad, he would take one of his vicodin, for whatever- dad took them for his back. they would both play computer games (dad is retired) and drink a beer and take their vicodin. when son took more of dads vicodin, stepmom insisted he leave. dad did not tell her that he was letting son take them . accused son of stealing them. son has boundary issues, and told his self that it was probably ok, dad shared them anyway. it was wrong, but the whole scene was all about play. step mom was mad cause she had to work, and she hated that son slept in, after playing all night on computer. i dont blame her but dad is a spineless a--.
so, i dont think that my son needs more enabling. he needs a tough wake up call.
if it was good for him to be with a parent, i'd keep him here. he will just have to go to the shelter, or sleep on the street. i hate this.
Actually, his dad withdrew the offer.
He told me that he does not want to hear any more about his son.
He told daughter not to tell me or son, but he wants to know what is going on.
Really, i am putting him out in the hopes that he will learn to take care of his self. He has his alcoholism to deal with , too.
I would rather see him go to the shelter, than to go to his dads. his dad and step mom are not good for him either. when he lived with his dad, he would take one of his vicodin, for whatever- dad took them for his back. they would both play computer games (dad is retired) and drink a beer and take their vicodin. when son took more of dads vicodin, stepmom insisted he leave. dad did not tell her that he was letting son take them . accused son of stealing them. son has boundary issues, and told his self that it was probably ok, dad shared them anyway. it was wrong, but the whole scene was all about play. step mom was mad cause she had to work, and she hated that son slept in, after playing all night on computer. i dont blame her but dad is a spineless a--.
so, i dont think that my son needs more enabling. he needs a tough wake up call.
if it was good for him to be with a parent, i'd keep him here. he will just have to go to the shelter, or sleep on the street. i hate this.
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Originally Posted by keepinon
Way to go Chicory..you are making so much SENSE! Sorry he's giving you are hard time, but pretty part for the course,eh? You sound so..Alanony!
PS You already know I put my daughter out at 18 with nothing.
PS You already know I put my daughter out at 18 with nothing.
thanks, that is such a compliment, and i am happy that i am making sense, finally. even if it is baby alanony steps....
This is tough. i have been reminding son, so he will have time to process this, and to make other plans if he can. i know he cant, but anyway......
acceptance does not come easy for me, tho. and it must be so much harder on him.
hugs,
chicory
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I truly doubt it is harder for him, Chicory. But I have had kind of cra& day..(see post on other F/F board if you want) and hearing you so convinced and resolute has absolutely cheered me!
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Time for both of you to find out what he can do by himself.
Thank you Beth,
You know, there is this tiny little piece of hope deep in my heart that thinks that he can do this too.
I am so glad that your son seems to be going in the right direction. Glad that he is finding out what he can do.
Yes, it is past time for my son to find out.
Thanks so much, for sharing with me.
hugs,
chicory
Beth[/QUOTE]
Thank you Beth,
You know, there is this tiny little piece of hope deep in my heart that thinks that he can do this too.
I am so glad that your son seems to be going in the right direction. Glad that he is finding out what he can do.
Yes, it is past time for my son to find out.
Thanks so much, for sharing with me.
hugs,
chicory
Beth[/QUOTE]
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oh, the hope is always there. always. he is my first born.
but the heroin had him bad.
right now, he seems good, and the last sober time he had, he was attending school, getting straight A's in math, and was a tutor at the school.
he wants to get it back, and sounds determined to do so.
yes, he should find out what he can do. he can contribute to the world in some way, we all can.
bless your heart, i know how hard this is.
Beth
but the heroin had him bad.
right now, he seems good, and the last sober time he had, he was attending school, getting straight A's in math, and was a tutor at the school.
he wants to get it back, and sounds determined to do so.
yes, he should find out what he can do. he can contribute to the world in some way, we all can.
bless your heart, i know how hard this is.
Beth
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Originally Posted by wicked
oh, the hope is always there. always. he is my first born.
but the heroin had him bad.
right now, he seems good, and the last sober time he had, he was attending school, getting straight A's in math, and was a tutor at the school.
he wants to get it back, and sounds determined to do so.
yes, he should find out what he can do. he can contribute to the world in some way, we all can.
bless your heart, i know how hard this is.
Beth
but the heroin had him bad.
right now, he seems good, and the last sober time he had, he was attending school, getting straight A's in math, and was a tutor at the school.
he wants to get it back, and sounds determined to do so.
yes, he should find out what he can do. he can contribute to the world in some way, we all can.
bless your heart, i know how hard this is.
Beth
how wonderful to hear that your son wants those things back! That is good news. I shall send good thoughts his way. I am happy for you, too, that you shall have a good nights sleep tonight. good work, mama.
the support here is getting me through some tough days.
I read some of the responding posts to my daughter over the phone tonight, and she was touched. She said that there are some very special people here. I agree.
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Hi, Chicory,
Somehow I missed the last couple of days worth of posts--you sound so good!
Don't cave when it hurts--it WILL hurt, but it will get better. It's sorta like when I quit drinking--at first it hurt a whole lot, and I knew one drink would make it better, but it would also suck me back in. Same kinda thing here--only if you work your way THROUGH the pain does it start to get better.
Big hugs, you can DO this.
Somehow I missed the last couple of days worth of posts--you sound so good!
Don't cave when it hurts--it WILL hurt, but it will get better. It's sorta like when I quit drinking--at first it hurt a whole lot, and I knew one drink would make it better, but it would also suck me back in. Same kinda thing here--only if you work your way THROUGH the pain does it start to get better.
Big hugs, you can DO this.
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Just one other thought.
You keep talking about how hellish the worrying will be once he is out--that you won't sleep, that you will be suffering constantly.
May I suggest that you open your mind to the POSSIBILITY that you may learn to let go of your worries, that you may be able to live in peace even if he chooses not to? A lot of us thought we couldn't STAND being apart from our loved one--but gradually learned to appreciate the peace from not being in the middle of chaos every waking minute of the day. We gradually learned to take care of ourselves, regardless what our loved ones were doing.
If you consign yourself to a life of worry, fear, and suffering before he's even out the door, that's what you are likely to get. Keep moving forward with your own recovery.
You keep talking about how hellish the worrying will be once he is out--that you won't sleep, that you will be suffering constantly.
May I suggest that you open your mind to the POSSIBILITY that you may learn to let go of your worries, that you may be able to live in peace even if he chooses not to? A lot of us thought we couldn't STAND being apart from our loved one--but gradually learned to appreciate the peace from not being in the middle of chaos every waking minute of the day. We gradually learned to take care of ourselves, regardless what our loved ones were doing.
If you consign yourself to a life of worry, fear, and suffering before he's even out the door, that's what you are likely to get. Keep moving forward with your own recovery.
To thine own self be true.
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I agree with everything you said, keepinon , except this:
It insinuates that the mother would be the cause of the problem. I respectfully disagree.
We did not cause it,
We cannot control it,
and We cannot cure it.
I would pretty much know where the problem was stemming from.
We did not cause it,
We cannot control it,
and We cannot cure it.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Just one other thought.
You keep talking about how hellish the worrying will be once he is out--that you won't sleep, that you will be suffering constantly.
May I suggest that you open your mind to the POSSIBILITY that you may learn to let go of your worries, that you may be able to live in peace even if he chooses not to? A lot of us thought we couldn't STAND being apart from our loved one--but gradually learned to appreciate the peace from not being in the middle of chaos every waking minute of the day. We gradually learned to take care of ourselves, regardless what our loved ones were doing.
If you consign yourself to a life of worry, fear, and suffering before he's even out the door, that's what you are likely to get. Keep moving forward with your own recovery.
You keep talking about how hellish the worrying will be once he is out--that you won't sleep, that you will be suffering constantly.
May I suggest that you open your mind to the POSSIBILITY that you may learn to let go of your worries, that you may be able to live in peace even if he chooses not to? A lot of us thought we couldn't STAND being apart from our loved one--but gradually learned to appreciate the peace from not being in the middle of chaos every waking minute of the day. We gradually learned to take care of ourselves, regardless what our loved ones were doing.
If you consign yourself to a life of worry, fear, and suffering before he's even out the door, that's what you are likely to get. Keep moving forward with your own recovery.
I am reacting to my fears here. I am so afraid that he will die, due to not figuring out how to take care of his self. he would scoff at that,i know.
I may very well get a grip- i will be here, getting help and finding an aa or alanon meeting to deal with my issues.
right now, he is telling me that he hates me, that he hopes i burn in hell. guess that is his brain on alcohol talking. and fear talking. he is scared, and dreads the indignity of having to go to a shelter. talks about going to canada- quack, quack, quack.
i am just sick at my stomach today.
i am afraid that if i dont hear from him, that he is alive, i will not sleep with worry. how will i be able to do my job? he will probably punish me, by not letting me know if he is alive. i really do dread it.
i have to stay sane to work.
but maybe , with enough of that worry, i will let go. maybe i will just accept it, for what it is, and let go- just so i CAN stay sane.
hugs,
chicory
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Originally Posted by chicory
i am just sick at my stomach today.
i am afraid that if i dont hear from him, that he is alive, i will not sleep with worry. how will i be able to do my job? he will probably punish me, by not letting me know if he is alive. i really do dread it.
i am afraid that if i dont hear from him, that he is alive, i will not sleep with worry. how will i be able to do my job? he will probably punish me, by not letting me know if he is alive. i really do dread it.
I don't know of anyone who can think that way and not be sick to their stomach, including me (and I've been there too).
How is your conscious contact with God this morning?
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Stay in the now...focus on the task at hand.You can worry later...plenty of time.Do the next indicated thing..let go and let god..let go or be dragged....just for today..hope one of these gets you feeling more alanony!
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