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Old 10-29-2010, 12:47 PM
  # 121 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Morning Glory View Post
I put my son out homeless with no car. I did go to Wal-Mart first and get him a jacket, backpack, beanie to keep his head warm, gloves, shoes, and some food items to take with him. That was my way of feeling better about the whole thing. No money ever though. I took the tags off of everything so he didn't know where I bought it.

One other time he was dangerous and I had to leave him out in the cold rain all night too drunk to help himself. I wasn't sure he would make it. The police wouldn't help me. I handed him out a sandwich and cup of coffee in the morning and sent him walking.

He never lived with me again after that. It was really hard, but we both made it.
wow this hurt to read. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
I guess this is why it's called tough love.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and I know first hand what pain my drinking has done. For what it's worth I think you did the right thing and I admire your strength. Some things I had to face on my own as well..........being homeless was a part too. I remember sleeping in stair wells trying to get out of the cold and so on. But God had a plan for me. I had to go through it in order to be the man I am today..........it was no ones fault I have a disease.
I guess I just wanted you to know you and your son will be in my prayers tonight. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 10-29-2010, 02:12 PM
  # 122 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
Lexie,

I am reacting to my fears here. I am so afraid that he will die, due to not figuring out how to take care of his self. he would scoff at that,i know.

I may very well get a grip- i will be here, getting help and finding an aa or alanon meeting to deal with my issues.

right now, he is telling me that he hates me, that he hopes i burn in hell. guess that is his brain on alcohol talking. and fear talking. he is scared, and dreads the indignity of having to go to a shelter. talks about going to canada- quack, quack, quack.

i am just sick at my stomach today.
i am afraid that if i dont hear from him, that he is alive, i will not sleep with worry. how will i be able to do my job? he will probably punish me, by not letting me know if he is alive. i really do dread it.
i have to stay sane to work.
but maybe , with enough of that worry, i will let go. maybe i will just accept it, for what it is, and let go- just so i CAN stay sane.


hugs,
chicory
Which is worse...the pain of him staying or the pain of letting him go? You get to choose, you know.

If he were not your son, what would you choose? Are you 'expected' to put up with abuse and disrespect just because you share some genetic material?

And we've ALL been thru that "I hope you burn in hell" scenario... mine was only a few months ago. Today my son and I had a very nice lunch together and he's off to go camping with some friends. All is well in our little world. Things CAN change for the better...but CHANGE has to happen first.
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Old 10-29-2010, 03:45 PM
  # 123 (permalink)  
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He isn't six, he isn't ten, he isn't fourteen, anymore. He is an ADULT. One of the perks of being an adult is that we get to make our own mistakes and live with the consequences.

Heck, I wish I had all the money I spent "helping" the last two men I was involved with. But guess what, I made my choice, and now my financial situation isn't what it could be.

That sounds like no big deal compared to being homeless and finding a place to live, but the point is, he is making choices every day--he just hasn't experienced the consequences because you've been protecting him from them.

I've learned from my mistakes--he hasn't had a chance to.

You don't have to be "Alanony" every minute of every day, but the more "Alanony" you learn to be, the more peace you will have in your life. Letting go takes practice. You let go a bit, you fall back into worry, you let go a little bit more, go back and worry some more (it's a habit we've developed), let go again. Just like babies learning to walk. We fall down sometimes but we don't let it stop us from trying again.

Remember, all this hostility on his part is sheer manipulation. He is trying to get you to cave. You don't have to cave. If you ever want love and respect from your son, you must stick to your guns. If you cave, you will get neither love nor respect nor gratitude. It will be the SAME THING all over again.

It has to stop. You can do it.
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:12 PM
  # 124 (permalink)  
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Just checking in to see if you've posted this evening. Holding you close to my heart and in my prayers, Chicory.
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Old 10-29-2010, 06:59 PM
  # 125 (permalink)  
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How is your conscious contact with God this morning?
[/QUOTE]

Hi Freedom,

worked tonight, and just got home. thanks for writing. yes, i guess i am thinking so far ahead, guess that does not help.

i haven't given God the reins yet- i have a bad habit of trying to do it myself, while praying for God to help me.

so much to learn......

hugs
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Old 10-29-2010, 07:17 PM
  # 126 (permalink)  
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[LexieCat,


That sounds like no big deal compared to being homeless and finding a place to live, but the point is, he is making choices every day--he just hasn't experienced the consequences because you've been protecting him from them.
You are so right ! I see it so much, that he needs this, but it just seem so extreme. But it helped me when Spawn wrote that being homeless made him the man he is, and that it was no ones fault. that Morning Glory did the right thing in his eyes. I would think that someone who has been homeless would give us the truth about it. I appreciate that more than he knows.

.

[
QUOTE]Remember, all this hostility on his part is sheer manipulation. He is trying to get you to cave. You don't have to cave. If you ever want love and respect from your son, you must stick to your guns. If you cave, you will get neither love nor respect nor gratitude. It will be the SAME THING all over again.

You must have been tuned into my mind today. This evening, i had some light go off in my head, and i thought "I have a soul. It is being abused. Just because someone is down and out, even if it was due to the economy, they dont have the right to abuse me, and I dont have to let them."

It is wrong, to treat me this way, and it happened too much in my life, and now, i have a choice. I deserve dignity, for i try hard to do for others, and to be an honest and good person. I have helped him more than anyone (maybe it was not really so helpful after all, but anyway), and he does not have the right to treat me disrespectfully. Why do I let him? I have feelings, I have rights, I have a heart that hurts when it is taken for granted.
You are so right, he will never respect me. If I dont demand respect and take up for myself, I will get used like an old rag. I act like an old rag.


It has to stop. You can do it.[/QUOTE]
[/QUOTE]
Yes, I know that it has to. I do not wish to hand over my life to someone who does not understand what really giving is. I pray that he finds self respect. and i will help him, by not letting him abuse me, for i think that he does not respect his self, cause he is being allowed to be selfish, and he must hate his self for that, i would think. my son knows right from wrong. he never used to hurt anyones feelings. he never passed judgement on anyone, but after living life this way for too long, he is bitter. I have hope that when he is busy living, and taking care of his self, he will not have time nor need to be bitter about the "injustices of the system".

thanks for listening. kind of a soapbox thingy, wasn't it?
love you all
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Old 10-29-2010, 07:53 PM
  # 127 (permalink)  
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You gave me shivers of delight!

Yay for stepping up to self-respect in this situation!
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Old 10-29-2010, 07:58 PM
  # 128 (permalink)  
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Now THAT was mega Alonony (did I coin a new word there?)
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Old 10-29-2010, 08:23 PM
  # 129 (permalink)  
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And you thought you were a slow learner...not even!
You have only been here 3 months!

So, what kind of gardening is it that you like to do?
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Old 10-29-2010, 08:50 PM
  # 130 (permalink)  
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Ah, the lights come on, the truth shines in!

Amazing what we can SEE when we open our eyes.

Remember, we will be here to hold your hand whenever you need us. You are getting stronger and standing straighter every day. There is hope--for you and for him.

Pray for him, but LIVE for YOU.
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Old 10-30-2010, 03:19 AM
  # 131 (permalink)  
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Thanks girls.

the "move out" will happen on Monday, due to the fact that everyone who is going to be my support is busy with halloween stuff on sunday.

monday may be a better day for him to show up at the shelter, i hope.


i am glad that you are here.
i am trying to keep my self-respect "inflated" so I can see things as I should.

i feel good about this decision, but it hurts so very much, too. and it is scary for me and for him, i am sure.

feel it is the only sane thing to do. not much of a choice for him, but sane anyway.


he probably does not see it as sane, or does he?

hugs,
chicory
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Old 10-30-2010, 03:50 AM
  # 132 (permalink)  
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It is wrong, to treat me this way, and it happened too much in my life, and now, i have a choice. I deserve dignity, for i try hard to do for others, and to be an honest and good person. I have helped him more than anyone (maybe it was not really so helpful after all, but anyway), and he does not have the right to treat me disrespectfully. Why do I let him? I have feelings, I have rights, I have a heart that hurts when it is taken for granted.
You are so right, he will never respect me. If I dont demand respect and take up for myself, I will get used like an old rag. I act like an old rag.
chicory,

my daughter called me again last night drunk. crying that she has nobody that cares about her, that she just wants it to be her sister, her brother her and me living together, (to forget about my husband and his son) that her daddy screwed her up emotionally by physically abusing me (I've been divorced over 10 yrs) and that is messing with the way she handles relationships, that she's thinking about giving her daughter away cause she's just too messed up.............................that David, (current boyfriend) is good and never hit her, (last week she said he did hit her, so I don't know which is which unless she had another alcoholic fit and attacked him?).

I'm dealing with this over the phone. Can you imagine if I had to deal with this (all over again) right in my house. I might as well just kill myself right now.

I really think she needs to be admitted for psychiatric evaluation. No, I mean seriously. She's either playing me and using her daughter to pull my heart strings, or she's seriously sick in which case, I cannot help her.

I keep thinking what if we let her come back and give her a chance to get herself together and she can feel family love and support. Of course I want to help her, I'm still her mother. But then I think of how it was when she use to live with us. It was 24/7 chaos. It was at that time that I use to drink, just to drown her out of my head. I was going through cancer treatment with chemo and drinking just to be able to put up with her.

I think I'd rather not bring her back. I can try to help somehow from a distance or nothing will change.

chicory, I'm just sharing this because you might be feeling this too. Either now, or later when he starts calling you and begging you to come back. It's heart wrenching. And today I just feel so damn tired. I was hoping to have a relaxing weekend. It seems every time Friday approaches, I feel this dread in my stomach. "Am I going to get a phone call today?"

Good luck and courage to you chicory.
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Old 10-30-2010, 04:08 AM
  # 133 (permalink)  
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kiki,

i am sorry that you are having to go thru this.
how old is her daughter? is there a chance of her staying with you, til your daughter gets her life in a positive direction?
other than that- what if you were not here? d would have to find her way,
cam she work? will she get treatment for her drinking? if not- what can you do for her? be an audience?
tell her not to call you when she is drinking. let her know that the drinking is a big issue here. that you are going to take care of yourself.
the drinking may make it seem like she is crazy- it messes your mind up!
please- if you have not read the "Three Act Play- up top in the sticky of classic reading- please do! it made me feel that my son is not as hopeless as i thought- that alcohol has a similar effect on every aocoholic. it is a great help- to see what you can do.

i think that it was when i realized my role was killing my son- as much as the alcohol.

hang in there. do something good for you today- and dont take calls when she is drinking. big hugs,
xoxoxo, chicory
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Old 10-30-2010, 05:03 AM
  # 134 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
kiki,

i am sorry that you are having to go thru this.
how old is her daughter? is there a chance of her staying with you, til your daughter gets her life in a positive direction?
other than that- what if you were not here? d would have to find her way,
cam she work? will she get treatment for her drinking? if not- what can you do for her? be an audience?
tell her not to call you when she is drinking. let her know that the drinking is a big issue here. that you are going to take care of yourself.
the drinking may make it seem like she is crazy- it messes your mind up!
please- if you have not read the "Three Act Play- up top in the sticky of classic reading- please do! it made me feel that my son is not as hopeless as i thought- that alcohol has a similar effect on every aocoholic. it is a great help- to see what you can do.

i think that it was when i realized my role was killing my son- as much as the alcohol.

hang in there. do something good for you today- and dont take calls when she is drinking. big hugs,
xoxoxo, chicory
she's 24. she does have a job, not a great one but it's a job for now. she lives with her boyfriend. if all else fails, I will take my grandaughter and raise her. And that's the one reason I always answer the phone, because I always want to make sure that my grandaughter is ok. She knows this is my weakness. I had to take care of my grandaughter before full time and it was extremely exhausting for me. I've been through too much physically (two cancers) still dealing with side effects of chemo, and I'm still not recouperated. But I want my daughter to step up, grow up and take responsibility. She tried to just (conveniently) leave my grandaughter with me full time, so that I have NO time to my self, while she has ALL the free time after work and weekends. Yea, it's nice to be able to rest after work. But I'm 53, and she's 24. She can do it, I know, just trying to get out of hard work.

Being around her makes me want to kill myself when she's like that.

I also work full time and by the time I get home I'm totally exhausted. I wish I had enough money. I would help her, and I try as best as I can. I just feel like she's dragging me to my grave. I have no energy to deal with this any more. I'm way past my exhaustion. I'm trying to think of ways I can help her. WHat can I do? (I'm thinking)....then I just want to curl up under a carpet and disappear.

We'll see. I have to get through this weekend. I'm so tired. It's only 8am.
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Old 10-30-2010, 08:09 AM
  # 135 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
he probably does not see it as sane, or does he?
Not now, he doesn't. Maybe someday he will.

Right now all he can see is that his world is rocked and you are the bad guy "doing it to him." He sees himself as the victim. He HAS to see it that way, because it's too painful for him to see this as something he has brought on himself.

He sees NOTHING WRONG with the status quo--living under your roof, as he pleases, making demands of you and having tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. He doesn't "get" why you should have a problem with that.

And aside from the inherent selfishness of addiction, he has no concept of what it is like to be an adult like you--someone who goes out and works hard for what she has, someone who has a EARNED a nice place to live, and a place to relax after a hard day at work. So he has no appreciation of what he is taking from you.

I hope you are able to get out of the house a bit this weekend--otherwise you will be subjecting yourself to his negativity for two whole days. Can you find a couple of Al-Anon meetings? Go hang out with a friend for awhile? Go out to the mall or catch a movie or something?

Hugs,
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:18 AM
  # 136 (permalink)  
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when we make the shift from caring so much about the toxic people in our lives that we owe it to them to "be there" - whatever that may mean at the time - to caring for ourselves - setting boundaries, being around functional, kind people - the whole world changes.

we have suffered from misguided obligations.

we can recover from that.

chicory,

together
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Old 10-30-2010, 11:02 AM
  # 137 (permalink)  
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Addicts often feel entitled..Chicory,, 2 months after we spent 17 grand sending my daughter to a Malibu rehab, brought her home to live, gave her a car (then took it back when we kicked her out) she texts me.."you would let me live under a bridge, you never do anything for me" Mind you we also drove 6 hours every Sat. she was in rehab to participate in the family therapy sessions. Now I ask you...doesn't that sound like the disease talking? I did not reply.I was with a friend and I told her"I would let her live under a bridge if that's what its gonna take"

Addicts/alcoholics are not seeing clearly..do not expect him to see that this is in his best interest and being done out of love. He may know on some level, but he's fo sho not gonna say that now. His whole world is a fixin to change and he's gonna have to take responsibility and I don't figure he's gonna take it real well.
I was just talking with my husband last nite about mistakes I made raising the kids..#1 wanting them to always be happy#2 talking, reasoning trying to get them to UNDERSTAND and AGREE with me. uh..didn't work at all.
You just brace yourself..prepare for the worst,hope for the best, put on your imaginary bubble for when he spews his disease all over you and you will be fine. You will get through this.I hear the surrender and resolve you need.Proud of you!
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:01 PM
  # 138 (permalink)  
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Yes- surrender- that is what i feel . powerless. giving it over to God. I know that He can do what I couldn't. He is gonna fix what I have done. I also tried to make my kids happy. let them say their mind, and son took it to a neverbeforeexperienced level- argued with us until our brains felt like hamburger. he still tries..
i have gotten better at not feeling that sick, fearful urgency to give in, to make him happy. like making a sacrifice to him, to appease him. yuk- why did i always do that?
guess cause i didn't know what really loving is. did what i wished someone had done for me, but son did not need rescuing. i kept him from feeling pain in the world, and he did not learn how to deal with real life.

i am going to go baby sit for my little jack- he is one year old. and just a peach. he looks so much like his uncle- my son!
i will relax and enjoy this time. heck , a meteor could strike and wouldn't it be silly to be thinking " wonder if he has any toothpaste".........

things will be better for me and for my son. i just know it.

hugs,
chicory
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:03 PM
  # 139 (permalink)  
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:06 PM
  # 140 (permalink)  
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I love that line:

pray for him, live for you
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