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Old 10-31-2010, 09:59 AM
  # 161 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
I am sorry l2l, for your tough times now. I am happy that your brother is in a shelter, they may have some resources for him. I think he was with your parents, right , and it was not a good situation for them?

its ok- we are still breathing. just do the best with your life that you can.
big hugs sweetie,
chicory
l2l,

i am sorry, i went back and checked out your brothers situation. i hope that his higher power has something that will help him, right where he is. i will be prayig for him, and for you.
you always sound amazing, lady. you have such wisdom and all. you do so much for those of us here. i wish you strength, and comfort.

hugs,
chicory
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Old 10-31-2010, 11:05 AM
  # 162 (permalink)  
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thank you chicory. right now i really need some of that strength i used to have. everything is so messed up at the moment. i hope you are doing ok. i relate to what you are going through. we'll get through this together. be strong and take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
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Old 10-31-2010, 04:30 PM
  # 163 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
he also is trying to bargain. it is like he is not going to admit bad behavior until he stands before the firing squad, and then only when they are ready to fire!
Mr. HG got mostly ugly accusations until he had to go completely no contact for a while.......I also became either the "naive s***-kicker" or the "gold digging trophy wife" (we weren't married yet). It's all deflection away from the real problem, and we have both learned to sever ties as needed if and when he becomes abusive. We are glad that he is at least in a safe place for now. He had been working and living in the downtown mission house. I will pray for both of these young people and all people who battle addiction....plus for all of us who have experienced the front lines.

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
by the way- I LOVE red Green...
hugs,
chicory
One of my favorites........
The Man Pledge
I'm a man
But I can change
If I have to
.....I guess......

Hugs and prayers,
HG
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:02 AM
  # 164 (permalink)  
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Good Morning, Annette -- I said a special prayer for you and your family today. I am thinking of you... XOXOXO
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:47 AM
  # 165 (permalink)  
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Hang in there!
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:24 AM
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chicory,

it's amazing how many different emotion these kids put us through. one minute I feel like crying to death, the next minute I just feel like choking her to death. I feel pain and regret, then I feel resentment for putting me through all this. Frankly, I'm sick to death of dealing with the sh****t.

how are you doing today.?
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:59 PM
  # 167 (permalink)  
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Hi, Chicory,

Hope no news means things are going OK. Was thinking about you all day today, hoping you were able to get him on his way without too much pain.

Check in with us when you can--we got a bunch of hugs for ya.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:13 PM
  # 168 (permalink)  
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Last night, I went into the sober lounge, for a little bit of wisdom and courage. Thought that they could tell me how much this will be good for all of us. They began to ask about my son, a lot of questions.
There were about 7 people in there, and they all thought that I should get my son to a dr. before giving up. They seem to think that he may be self-medicating-and encouraged me to give him an ultimatum, if that would be something I could do. to tell him that he gets one more chance, and only if he #1-goes to an alcohol/drug doctor. #2 gets counselling -even aa, if dr says. that he can get medical help free, if he is an alcoholic . there is state funded help, and someone googled them for my area. son called them today, and is waiting for the psychiatrist to call back. she is the one he saw before, who spent 1 &1/2 hrs with him. depression was her determination, but he has to let her know of his problems with alcohol. i wont have any control whether he does this or not, but i will know, from what happens after.

I feel that these people have insight into drinking, and drugging, and that they had a feeling about this. Of course, my heart was feeling like I was ripping it out of my chest, at the thought of today. so, i had hope renewed a bit, that maybe there is something that he needs. He agreed. He told me that he would try any meds that they suggest, except welbutrin which he had a bad reaction to.
I just want to givehim a chance to get help> I am afraid he will fall through the cracks, in the shelter.
This may not last long. but i will not feel that i did all i could, if i dont do this. the folks on sober recovery talked with me for a long while.and practically begged me to give him this chance. i feel there must be a good reason. they agreed that if i do all i can,and he does not respect it, or appreciate it, he needs to go. that sometimes there have been those helped from being thrown out. but the shelter, and needing medical mental help- that was their concern. they were really kind and understanding.

maybe this wont work, but maybe it will help him. I know that many will not agree here. but i have to do what i can live with. i want him out, soon, but i want him to get help if he wants it.
they will tell him if he has drug/alcohol problems. he has to be honest, tho. i only pray he is.

thanks for thinking of us today, and for the prayers. maybe this was prayer answered.
i dont think that God wanted me to be so confused last night, or that He wanted things to be harder on me than they were. I think I was led to the sober lounge, and I could tell that these were very savvy folks . So, I give it to God here.

Hope you are all still with me.

hugs,

chicory
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:31 PM
  # 169 (permalink)  
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Well, you kinda know what my take on it is. You ARE the one who has to live with the consequences, so I understand that part, it's just that my impression was that you have been urging him to get some kind of help, treatment, for ages. Now he agrees. I am highly skeptical, let's put it that way. Didn't you tell us he didn't exactly cooperate the last time he saw a doctor?

My biggest concern is that he has "won" this round again. And you are going to go through the same misery if he doesn't comply that you went through this time.

He doesn't have to live with you in order to get mental health treatment. And if he is diagnosed with some disorder (and trust me, these days, it's hard to walk into a shrink's office and not walk out with a diagnosis and a prescription), will you then find it impossible to make him leave if his behavior continues as it has? Will you be saying, "But I can't make him leave if he's sick"?

I'm just worried about you. Please don't take this as harsh--you are a kind, loving person, and I just don't want to see you continuing to suffer.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:33 PM
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well, they were "regulars" here. I have seen their names around here , since I got here. not a long time, but oh well, they sure sounded like they knew something. i think it was good advice.
thanks for putting it so bluntly- made me laugh, sort of. you are serious , I know.
I was just going in, like i'd go to an aa meeting, for some insight, I guess.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:47 PM
  # 171 (permalink)  
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yes, last time, he was hoping to get something for his "nerves". He was a jerk then, yes.

i dont know. but i dont feel he won. i feel he knows that we all are finished dealing with him the way it is. I think he knows that i am only giving him a chance to get help. He admitted that alcohol is a problem for him. after we talked about it.

oh well. i have to try.
and yes, i know what you all think about this. i appreciate the help and i hope that no one feels that they have wasted their time. i have learned a lot. and i know my son needs to be out of here. i want that, soon. maybe they will be able to help him, at the counselling center. they have programs to help people get medicine too, free, from companies that donate meds.

my daughter read me the riot act. she said that she was glad that he was not going t0 be cold and hungry. he told her he would not go to the shelter. she had even said that if she knew where he was going to camp out, that she and her hubby would take him food. isnt that enabling too? but she wont talk to me now, and neither will my other daughter.
its ok- i am the one who must deal . i will take the blame, if more of the same comes my way. i will be stronger, as i am now. i bought him stuff to take with him. and drove by to see it. it was not too bad, the one in the city was worse. i did not worry too much then, for some reason. i dont think i will, should he have to go and if he goes there.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:55 PM
  # 172 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
You'll do what you're ready to do, when you're ready to do it Chicory
I agree.

Chicory, I've given you my perspective not only as the mother of an addict/alcoholic, but also as an alcoholic/addict in long-term recovery who has mental health issues.

That's all I can do.

The rest is up to you.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:05 PM
  # 173 (permalink)  
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Annette - This is your life and you get to choose how to live it. I think you have learned a lot here and you'll never lose that knowledge. Frankly, I'm not real hopeful that much is going to change, but I also am not convinced that you were prepared for any outcome in kicking him out. That is an essential piece of the puzzle.

Try to stand back a bit and see what he does on his own -- that will tell you a lot about his willingness to do better.

XOXOX
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:33 PM
  # 174 (permalink)  
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When one child is the chosen one, it sends a message to the other siblings. It is obvious that he is your life, your priorty. I have no issues with that or your decisions, it is your life and you will do what you want to. I, however, can understand why your daughters are upset.

I wish you and your son the best!
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:47 PM
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Hey Chicory,
Well, I'm glad that your mind has been eased. Will this be the best solution and will it work out for your son and for you? Time will tell.

Mr. HG's AS certainly has a few mental health issues that probably would improve with counseling. Jr. even told his dad to make an appointment with a counselor who specialized in addiction....he never kept the appointment. Mostly, Jr. was made to leave because:
* He brought a dealer into his father's house one day.
* He threatened to kill one of his brother's
* He threatened to kill his sister.
* He threatened to kill his father.
All of this because people stopped enabling him, stopped giving into his emotional blackmail, stopped giving him money and doing things for him.

The family did intervene and get him to go to the ER one summer when he had nearly killed himself drinking. He has been offered many, many opportunities to get help and backed out of each and every one of them....as recently as this year....and the intervention of sorts was held in 2008.

I hope and pray that your son will decide to take advantage of this opportunity. I also hope and pray that you will not be completely crushed if your expectations are not met.

Please take very extra good care of yourself.

Hugs, HG
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:07 AM
  # 176 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
When one child is the chosen one, it sends a message to the other siblings. It is obvious that he is your life, your priorty. I have no issues with that or your decisions, it is your life and you will do what you want to. I, however, can understand why your daughters are upset.

I wish you and your son the best!
Dollydo,

He is not the chosen child, just the sickest.

and yes, my children are the biggest part of my life- that is who i am.

and you probably dont understand why my daughters are upset-they worry more for me. i spend more time with my daughters and grandbabies than anyone else. I baby sit, and when they need anything , I am there. the littlest was premature and i spent nearly every free moment with them, for months, to help. I give of myself to all my children. i love them all, and would do for any- sick one especially.

we will be ok. and someday, if they should God forbid have a similar situation, i will support them- as they do me.

trust me, if my son was on the street, the girls would be sick with worry too. if they thought that getting him on meds and counselling would help, they would help him too, if he had no one. they are lucky that they have me to take the blunt force of this, for they would do it too. i just get the crap end of the stick, and everyone gets to take out their frustrations , fears, etc on mom- yeah, i put myself there, but if anything helps my son , it will be worth it.
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:21 AM
  # 177 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Hey Chicory,
Well, I'm glad that your mind has been eased. Will this be the best solution and will it work out for your son and for you? Time will tell.

Mr. HG's AS certainly has a few mental health issues that probably would improve with counseling. Jr. even told his dad to make an appointment with a counselor who specialized in addiction....he never kept the appointment. Mostly, Jr. was made to leave because:
* He brought a dealer into his father's house one day.
* He threatened to kill one of his brother's
* He threatened to kill his sister.
* He threatened to kill his father.
All of this because people stopped enabling him, stopped giving into his emotional blackmail, stopped giving him money and doing things for him.

The family did intervene and get him to go to the ER one summer when he had nearly killed himself drinking. He has been offered many, many opportunities to get help and backed out of each and every one of them....as recently as this year....and the intervention of sorts was held in 2008.

I hope and pray that your son will decide to take advantage of this opportunity. I also hope and pray that you will not be completely crushed if your expectations are not met.

Please take very extra good care of yourself.

Hugs, HG


Hello Hydrogirl,

and thanks, for your support. I know that this is probably going to end with some disappointment- I dont have great e xpectations,believe me.

I have listened to a lot of folks here, and learned a lot. then when recovering alcoholics suggest something very strongly , I think that maybe I should help him to get to a doctor. He is willing, since he knows he would have to leave otherwise. Yep- maybe he is being forced, but I feel that he wants to go, too. He would be fighting it, if not. He has to do the calling, and arrangements. not me. i am not hopeful but I shall take the advice they gave , and tell him to chose a doctor, and counselling, and meds, or the street.
neither he nor i can live this way.

i am sorry for your son. I'd imagine he was feeling desperate to make such threats. it is a cry out, but without help, he cant change the desperation. s he doing anything for his health and sanity? you mentioned , i think that you saw glimmers of change, what were they? I pray that he wakes up, and gets help. I am sorry for your heartache, and for his wasted time.

dont worry. i will not be crushed. i dont think that much will change, but i have to do this. i have learned a lot here, and will use that to take care of me, and to let go and let God. I cannot believe that God does not wish me to try this.

hugs,
chicory
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:34 AM
  # 178 (permalink)  
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Hi Chicory,

I can't presume to know what God wants, but I bet he doesn't want you and the rest of your family to continue to be hurt by your son's choices and behavior.

One time, my now A stepson said "Everybody says they want me to get help, but no one will help me!" You see, help to this young man means that family members pay for his rent, pay for his food, pay for his utilities, buy him a car, pay for the insurance, give him money to spend, and leave him alone to do what he wants. What made him so angry is that the family stopped doing all that. You see, he lost each and every one of his enablers in one fell swoop. His DOC at the time was crack.....a truly personality altering chemical if ever there was one!

Jr. used to try (and succeeded quite well for a long time as I understand it) to play one family member against another. Sort of divide and conquer and divert. Well, the family learned and all became united in not allowing themselves to be used and abused by him while in active addiction.

After Jr. was kicked out, he had one apartment and then another. Each time, his roommates kicked him out. We have never been told the story of why. He has worked in fast food restaurants, selling vaccum cleaners, and most currently a factory job. He has been living for a few months at a homeless shelter downtown.

He has not, to the best of our knowledge, ever participated in any sort of recovery program beyond the IOP (intensive outpatient) ordered after his hospitalization in the summer of '08. He does, occasionally, still go to mass. We believe that he is just starting to figure out on his own how life really works. That the world does not owe us anything, we have to go out and work to pay our bills (you know....like adults are supposed to do )

Mr. HG is composing a letter to send to him while he is in prison. We won't offer him any help, but just hello and we love you. He will have to actually ask for and seek out help if he wants it at this point. We won't listen to his words anymore but instead watch his actions. And we pray for him each and every day. Jr. will be 30 next year.......

I only share this story as one of sooooo many out there. Again, I pray that your son has truly decided to turn his life around, and the only recommendation I might offer is to watch his actions and not listen to his words. Perhaps keep those teflon jammies close at hand? I'll be cheering for your son and your whole family.

Peace, hugs, and prayers......HG
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Old 11-02-2010, 06:25 AM
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Dear Chicory,

I wanted to stop by and send my best wishes to you and your son. You are a loving Mother going through a difficult time. I respect your decision! Whatever happens, you are the Mother and will not rest peacefully until all options are exhausted. I understand this and will keep you and your loved one in my prayers.

Stay strong and stick to your rules. The rest is in God's hands. I just wanted you to know as a Mother myself, I feel your pain and think you are doing the right thing. You are a warm and loving person and I enjoyed chatting with you. Whether your son realizes it or not right now, he is blessed to have you for his Mother. Take good care of yourself.
:ghug3
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Old 11-02-2010, 07:58 AM
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Good Morning, chicory -- just checking on you and it sounds like you are doing OK. You have been through so much these last couple of months -- I know it feels like being in a pressure cooker, doesn't it? I know that feeling well. I am *very* grateful to know that you have some sweet grandkids to spoil and have fun with and a job that you enjoy. Things could be sooo much worse, eh? I just would like you to be safe and do the best you can to minimize your stress. Next stop: Yoga and meditation!! LOL
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