frustrated and tired
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by chicory 
i am going to go baby sit for my little jack- he is one year old. and just a peach. he looks so much like his uncle- my son!
i will relax and enjoy this time.
i will relax and enjoy this time.
My grandkids' stepmom has 3 boys (their half-brothers), and two of them are twins who just turned 2 in September. I consider all of them my grandkids too. I haven't been able to get out of town to visit them, so I keep up on facebook and see the pictures she posts of the boys.
Love on that little guy for me too!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
now that it is coming cclose to time for him to go, he is acting desperate. saying off the wall comments, about how i am mistaken about how much he drank, and how i did not give him an ultimatum. anytime that i told him that he could not drink here, he just did not listen. he is gaslighting - is that par for the course?
he is saying that his sinus is bad again, that he wont get to doc. that he may crash for a few days with some girl here in town. he does not spend time with anyone, and i dont think he even talked to her about this. think he is just trying to get reaction. it did at first, when he denied drinking here. either he is insane, or trying to make me change my mind. it hurts to see him so desperate. but nothing will change if he is here. he will just stay sick and so will i.
tell me that this is how they act when they have to leave. he blames me for the family not helping him.
i am just sick, this is so sick. i would do anything to help him, and this is the only thing i can do. it is not easy. i am doing it cause i love him, and he needs a wake up call. i hate this so much.
how can he look me in the eye, and say i did not give him fair warning to quit drinking here?
he was here most of the day when he was drinking. he was in his room, drunk. i could smell the vodka. i watched him go back and forth for more lemonade to mix it in. i saw the bottles by his bed, covered by the sheets. i saw a twelve pack half gone, in his closet, with the empty cans there too.
how can he look at me and say he drank it at a party, and brought the cans back here. is he mad? he is making me sick with this.
i have to figure out how to deal with this. i am trying not to talk to him. maybe he is just trying to make me fight. he is not drinking now. he is out of money , or is scared to drink here , in hopes of staying. but , in my experience with him, he would drink if he had it.
guess i will go and pray.
he is saying that his sinus is bad again, that he wont get to doc. that he may crash for a few days with some girl here in town. he does not spend time with anyone, and i dont think he even talked to her about this. think he is just trying to get reaction. it did at first, when he denied drinking here. either he is insane, or trying to make me change my mind. it hurts to see him so desperate. but nothing will change if he is here. he will just stay sick and so will i.
tell me that this is how they act when they have to leave. he blames me for the family not helping him.
i am just sick, this is so sick. i would do anything to help him, and this is the only thing i can do. it is not easy. i am doing it cause i love him, and he needs a wake up call. i hate this so much.
how can he look me in the eye, and say i did not give him fair warning to quit drinking here?
he was here most of the day when he was drinking. he was in his room, drunk. i could smell the vodka. i watched him go back and forth for more lemonade to mix it in. i saw the bottles by his bed, covered by the sheets. i saw a twelve pack half gone, in his closet, with the empty cans there too.
how can he look at me and say he drank it at a party, and brought the cans back here. is he mad? he is making me sick with this.
i have to figure out how to deal with this. i am trying not to talk to him. maybe he is just trying to make me fight. he is not drinking now. he is out of money , or is scared to drink here , in hopes of staying. but , in my experience with him, he would drink if he had it.
guess i will go and pray.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
yes, I am sorry to say he will turn all the screws..use every manipulation, try to anger you, guilt you ..anything and everything he can come up with to shake you up.
Try to find a peaceful place in your head, rest...walk away from it, detach..do whatever you need.
It is utterly pointless to try to discuss any of this with him.
It will get better, really.
Try to find a peaceful place in your head, rest...walk away from it, detach..do whatever you need.
It is utterly pointless to try to discuss any of this with him.
It will get better, really.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, this is how they act when they have to leave.
It isn't your concern whether he has discussed his plans to crash with the girl. That's between him and her. You say, "That's nice of her."
Do NOT take the bait. He will dangle it, do NOT take it. No matter what he says. He will say more before he is out the door. Some of it may seem like more than you can take. It is all SMOKE AND MIRRORS.
Don't fight, walk out of the room. You aren't obligated to sit and listen, and it is useless to argue or try to reason with him.
Try to get some rest.
It isn't your concern whether he has discussed his plans to crash with the girl. That's between him and her. You say, "That's nice of her."
Do NOT take the bait. He will dangle it, do NOT take it. No matter what he says. He will say more before he is out the door. Some of it may seem like more than you can take. It is all SMOKE AND MIRRORS.
Don't fight, walk out of the room. You aren't obligated to sit and listen, and it is useless to argue or try to reason with him.
Try to get some rest.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Live said it all.. this is what we told you to brace for...it is par for the course..it is desperation.He has NO reason to REALLY think that you will follow thru. He will try all the old tricks..I didn't know, You never said..blahblahquackquack. Minimize deny threaten quack. rinse,repeat.Get on your teflon shield,put in your earplugs and get ready to roll..it's almost go time!The next healthy phase of your life starts now!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
There is no girl to crash with. He has not been going to see anyone. I almost wish he did, but he needs to learn , not to find another enabler.
I will tune it out if I can. I will try to see it as nothing personal, just his disease talking. i hope he gets help for it. he says he will NOT go to the shelter.
ok, I will go to bed, and get rest. I am sooo tired. Little Jack whipped my rear tonight. He is so precious. I held him, and he looks so much like my son did at that age. it broke my heart anew.
thank you girls, for being here. you amaze me. i am so happy for the support. It helps to know how it was for others. reassuring.
*putting on teflon jammies now*
bless you friends,
hugs,
chicory
I will tune it out if I can. I will try to see it as nothing personal, just his disease talking. i hope he gets help for it. he says he will NOT go to the shelter.
ok, I will go to bed, and get rest. I am sooo tired. Little Jack whipped my rear tonight. He is so precious. I held him, and he looks so much like my son did at that age. it broke my heart anew.
thank you girls, for being here. you amaze me. i am so happy for the support. It helps to know how it was for others. reassuring.
*putting on teflon jammies now*
bless you friends,
hugs,
chicory
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
sweet dreams!
Keep that pamphlet nearby to read tomorrow morning so that it will be clear in your mind.
I pray that peace will wrap it's loving arms around you, that you may rest from all your cares, that you will wake up refreshed, clear of mind, untroubled by doubts and know that you are a loved and special precious life deserving of all care and tenderness.
I pray that your son will find an open heart and mind in himself to become the man he can admire in himself and will find a healing path.
Keep that pamphlet nearby to read tomorrow morning so that it will be clear in your mind.
I pray that peace will wrap it's loving arms around you, that you may rest from all your cares, that you will wake up refreshed, clear of mind, untroubled by doubts and know that you are a loved and special precious life deserving of all care and tenderness.
I pray that your son will find an open heart and mind in himself to become the man he can admire in himself and will find a healing path.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Annette -- He says he will NOT go to the shelter because he knows that will worry you. He's been studying you and your buttons his entire life! He knows exactly what to say to make you sick with worry and guilt because he knows that's your Achilles heel. At times his tactics will work perfectly and you'll toss and turn and wring your hands, but you have to remember this one thing: If you were to back down now, you would NEVER have his respect and your word would be totally meaningless from here on out. The manipulation, denial, lies and immaturity will only escalate to a never-before-seen level and I KNOW you don't want that.
You have given him a second chance....many, many times. So don't you riddle yourself with guilt over that. HE MADE HIS CHOICE. HE CHOSE THIS. Now it's time to pay the piper.
You are a WONDERFUL, caring mother. You have done your best and now it's time to do this one last thing for him...and it's the toughest yet. But we are here for you and you have the rest of your sweet family who need you and support you, too.
Can you get out of the house today?...and turn off your phone? XOXO
You have given him a second chance....many, many times. So don't you riddle yourself with guilt over that. HE MADE HIS CHOICE. HE CHOSE THIS. Now it's time to pay the piper.
You are a WONDERFUL, caring mother. You have done your best and now it's time to do this one last thing for him...and it's the toughest yet. But we are here for you and you have the rest of your sweet family who need you and support you, too.
Can you get out of the house today?...and turn off your phone? XOXO
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Chicory!
Hope your morning looks a little bit brighter!!!! I just thought I would tell you about how my husband had to kick his grown son out when he was going through his "crack crazy" phase....this after nearly drinking himself to death. Meh.....
In our state, you have to give 30-days written notice before evicting someone. Even your own grown, crack addicted, threatening, scary son. So, my now husband had to write his son a letter and start the clock ticking. Jr. was offered help with a couple of months rent if he stayed clean, got a job, and did not get in trouble with the law. On the weekend he was to move out, Jr. went on a crack bender, got arrested, then overslept and lost his job. (It was quite a little weekend!)
Mr. HG still insisted he move out, and Jr. sputtered and spewed, blamed everyone else but himself (why of course it was the family's fault, you know, for "making" him smoke crack and get arrested
). He stomped around the house throwing things into boxes (Mr. HG had already started packing his things while he spent the night in jail) and generally acting like a crazed idiot (I was there to witness this fine display), but he DID leave.
Since then, Jr.'s life has not been a bed of roses, but he has survived. Addicts are extraodrinarily resourceful. He is currently in jail in the county for failing to make restitution for 6 separate check fraud charges. He lost his vehicle a while back, and has not probably lost his latest job. We do not know when or where his bottom will be, but we do pray for him every day. There have been occasional signs of a dawning realization that he is responsible for his own life, but they are few and far between. And yes, the family has been accused of not caring for him at all. That's not true, but it is his perception right now and so be it.
Please know that you are not alone in this. Many of us have had to put on the same teflon jammies at night. You are doing the best thing for your child in the long run!!!!
Huge hugs and many prayers, HG
Hope your morning looks a little bit brighter!!!! I just thought I would tell you about how my husband had to kick his grown son out when he was going through his "crack crazy" phase....this after nearly drinking himself to death. Meh.....
In our state, you have to give 30-days written notice before evicting someone. Even your own grown, crack addicted, threatening, scary son. So, my now husband had to write his son a letter and start the clock ticking. Jr. was offered help with a couple of months rent if he stayed clean, got a job, and did not get in trouble with the law. On the weekend he was to move out, Jr. went on a crack bender, got arrested, then overslept and lost his job. (It was quite a little weekend!)
Mr. HG still insisted he move out, and Jr. sputtered and spewed, blamed everyone else but himself (why of course it was the family's fault, you know, for "making" him smoke crack and get arrested
). He stomped around the house throwing things into boxes (Mr. HG had already started packing his things while he spent the night in jail) and generally acting like a crazed idiot (I was there to witness this fine display), but he DID leave.Since then, Jr.'s life has not been a bed of roses, but he has survived. Addicts are extraodrinarily resourceful. He is currently in jail in the county for failing to make restitution for 6 separate check fraud charges. He lost his vehicle a while back, and has not probably lost his latest job. We do not know when or where his bottom will be, but we do pray for him every day. There have been occasional signs of a dawning realization that he is responsible for his own life, but they are few and far between. And yes, the family has been accused of not caring for him at all. That's not true, but it is his perception right now and so be it.
Please know that you are not alone in this. Many of us have had to put on the same teflon jammies at night. You are doing the best thing for your child in the long run!!!!
Huge hugs and many prayers, HG
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Morning, Chicory,
Thinking of you this morning. I loved your line about the teflon jammies! That's just what you need.
Almost there, sweetie. Hang tough.
Hugs of strength and hope,
Thinking of you this morning. I loved your line about the teflon jammies!
That's just what you need. Almost there, sweetie. Hang tough.
Hugs of strength and hope,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
thank you Hydrogirl,
for sharing this.
not an easy morning here, nor was it a good night last night. he wanted to justify all of the behaviors that are getting him removed from here. i nibbled at the bait a few times, but all in all, i let go and went to bed. this morning, he wanted to do more of the same, but i am resisting. my stomach is paying the price, but i will heal.
he asked me about the shelter that i mentioned. a good sign. that he does not wish to sleep in the street and has enough sense to know that it is not a good idea. i gave him the numbers (again), and we talked about it. he hates the idea of them being Christian, and amybe preachy- he is not a bible person. tho i feel he believes in a God, and someday, he may REALLY believe. he also is trying to bargain. it is like he is not going to admit bad behavior until he stands before the firing squad, and then only when they are ready to fire! i told him it is non-negotiable for him staying here. i see that he knows that he has done what i accuse him of. he cant look at me. amazing to see something besides the back of the door as he closed it in my face so many times.
he wants to call his dad, to agree to the terms of staying there. yeah, now he does.
i told him honestly that if i were him, id chose the shelter and get on my feet by myself. that i would do it myself.
he mentioned that the drinking is not making him happy. i pray that he will get help someday for that. i see hope for my son. i just pray that God puts the right resources in his path, and that he chooses them.
i am sorry that your son is having a tough time. glad he is safe for the moment. and i hope that the jail time will make him sick of that life. i hope that you see more glimmers of hope. where there is life there is hope. and that little glimmer is coming from growth, so i pray for him too.
by the way- I LOVE red Green...
hugs,
chicory
for sharing this.
not an easy morning here, nor was it a good night last night. he wanted to justify all of the behaviors that are getting him removed from here. i nibbled at the bait a few times, but all in all, i let go and went to bed. this morning, he wanted to do more of the same, but i am resisting. my stomach is paying the price, but i will heal.
he asked me about the shelter that i mentioned. a good sign. that he does not wish to sleep in the street and has enough sense to know that it is not a good idea. i gave him the numbers (again), and we talked about it. he hates the idea of them being Christian, and amybe preachy- he is not a bible person. tho i feel he believes in a God, and someday, he may REALLY believe. he also is trying to bargain. it is like he is not going to admit bad behavior until he stands before the firing squad, and then only when they are ready to fire! i told him it is non-negotiable for him staying here. i see that he knows that he has done what i accuse him of. he cant look at me. amazing to see something besides the back of the door as he closed it in my face so many times.
he wants to call his dad, to agree to the terms of staying there. yeah, now he does.
i told him honestly that if i were him, id chose the shelter and get on my feet by myself. that i would do it myself.
he mentioned that the drinking is not making him happy. i pray that he will get help someday for that. i see hope for my son. i just pray that God puts the right resources in his path, and that he chooses them.
i am sorry that your son is having a tough time. glad he is safe for the moment. and i hope that the jail time will make him sick of that life. i hope that you see more glimmers of hope. where there is life there is hope. and that little glimmer is coming from growth, so i pray for him too.
by the way- I LOVE red Green...
hugs,
chicory
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's kinda funny that he is so concerned about being "preached at" at the shelter. He doesn't mind mooching off YOU, regardless of your religious beliefs, does he?
When you got noplace else to go, you can't afford to get choosy.
Just be careful. The ranting and raving didn't get to you, so now he may be thinking that contrition and admission of a few problems might. He may think that if he shows you he realizes he has a drinking problem, that he has had an epiphany and is now declaring his willingness to recover, that you will cave and let him stay.
Don't do it. If he wants to recover, he can do it at the shelter. BTW, I don't know who runs the shelter, but I hear the Salvation Army has an excellent recovery program. If you let him stay, he will continue to have one excuse after another, or he will make a halfhearted stab at it, and you will be right back where you are now.
Wish him the best, pray for him, but stick to your guns no matter WHAT promises he makes.
When you got noplace else to go, you can't afford to get choosy.
Just be careful. The ranting and raving didn't get to you, so now he may be thinking that contrition and admission of a few problems might. He may think that if he shows you he realizes he has a drinking problem, that he has had an epiphany and is now declaring his willingness to recover, that you will cave and let him stay.
Don't do it. If he wants to recover, he can do it at the shelter. BTW, I don't know who runs the shelter, but I hear the Salvation Army has an excellent recovery program. If you let him stay, he will continue to have one excuse after another, or he will make a halfhearted stab at it, and you will be right back where you are now.
Wish him the best, pray for him, but stick to your guns no matter WHAT promises he makes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
If you were to back down now, you would NEVER have his respect and your word would be totally meaningless from here on out. The manipulation, denial, lies and immaturity will only escalate to a never-before-seen level and I KNOW you don't want that.
HE MADE HIS CHOICE. HE CHOSE THIS. Now it's time to pay the piper.
But we are here for you and you have the rest of your sweet family who need you and support you, too.
Can you get out of the house today?...and turn off your phone? XOXO
it is Hallowween- and I will be going to watch the babies (9, 8, and 1) wear their costumes,and have some fun. does not do much good to worry about this. it is gonna happen, and i can try to take care of my mental , physical, and spiritual self today.
hugs ,
chicory
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
hi Lexie,
thanks for being here.
[QUOTE] yep- I see thru this one too. cant be that hard to say a prayer or listen to sermons. sounds like he just didnt wish to waste his time. think of it as payment for the help, you know?
J Yeah, I see this as very likely. dont worry, that wont work. they have aa meetings there, and other stuff.
There is no salvation army group here. wish there was. this is a locally funded place, donations and support of the local churches. it is called Serve City, Hamilton Ohio - their shelter is Chosen. i looked online,and it seems that they are a modest group 48 men and 12 women that they can house at a time. they built housing , so people can work, and get on their feet. the place helps them do a lot. if you look at it, maybe you will think differently, but i think it is better than the street.
he asked about them this morning. i take that as a positive.
hugs,
chicory
thanks for being here.
[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think it's kinda funny that he is so concerned about being "preached at" at the shelter. He doesn't mind mooching off YOU, regardless of your religious beliefs, does he?
J
ust be careful. The ranting and raving didn't get to you, so now he may be thinking that contrition and admission of a few problems might.
Don't do it. If he wants to recover, he can do it at the shelter. BTW, I don't know who runs the shelter, but I hear the Salvation Army has an excellent recovery program. If you let him stay, he will continue to have one excuse after another, or he will make a halfhearted stab at it, and you will be right back where you are now.
he asked about them this morning. i take that as a positive.
hugs,
chicory
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
hi chicory,
my brother is in a homeless shelter now, as of a couple days ago. i don't know what is going to happen today or tomorrow or the next day. all i can do is my best to take care of me. which is not great right now because of what i am going thru in so many areas of my life, but i am still breathing. adults need to do what they can to take care of themselves. it will not always look great but we have to learn to let go.
my brother is in a homeless shelter now, as of a couple days ago. i don't know what is going to happen today or tomorrow or the next day. all i can do is my best to take care of me. which is not great right now because of what i am going thru in so many areas of my life, but i am still breathing. adults need to do what they can to take care of themselves. it will not always look great but we have to learn to let go.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Chicory: You are doing a very brave thing and you are doing the right thing. This is the way to save your son from himself. When you talk to him and when he says cruel things to you it is really the addiction talking, since it appears to have taken possession of his mind. But you can tell him that you love him and hope that in time the person who he really is and whom you love will reappear from behind the addiction which now has such control over him. He need not be a Christian to recover. Recovery is for all addicts and alcoholics and as you know there are secular recovery programs as well as this SR website. Here is a quote which may be helpful in times like these:
The Gate of the Year
“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: ‘Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.’
And he replied:‘Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.’
So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night. And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.”
From a poem, popularly known as "The Gate of the Year" by Minnie Louise Haskins, published in 1908, the original title having been "God Knows", part of a collection titled “The Desert”. The poem was quoted by England’s King George VI in his 1939 Christmas broadcast to the British Empire. Hitler had invaded Poland and England had entered the war with Germany These words. engraved on brass plaques, remain fixed to the gates of the King George VI Memorial Chapel at Windsor Castle, where the King was interred. When Queen Elizabeth was also buried here in 2002, the poem was read at her state funeral.
Every good wish.
Bill
The Gate of the Year
“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: ‘Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.’
And he replied:‘Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.’
So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night. And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.”
From a poem, popularly known as "The Gate of the Year" by Minnie Louise Haskins, published in 1908, the original title having been "God Knows", part of a collection titled “The Desert”. The poem was quoted by England’s King George VI in his 1939 Christmas broadcast to the British Empire. Hitler had invaded Poland and England had entered the war with Germany These words. engraved on brass plaques, remain fixed to the gates of the King George VI Memorial Chapel at Windsor Castle, where the King was interred. When Queen Elizabeth was also buried here in 2002, the poem was read at her state funeral.
Every good wish.
Bill
Last edited by wpainterw; 10-31-2010 at 08:04 AM. Reason: typos
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
hi chicory,
my brother is in a homeless shelter now, as of a couple days ago. i don't know what is going to happen today or tomorrow or the next day. all i can do is my best to take care of me. which is not great right now because of what i am going thru in so many areas of my life, but i am still breathing. adults need to do what they can to take care of themselves. it will not always look great but we have to learn to let go.
my brother is in a homeless shelter now, as of a couple days ago. i don't know what is going to happen today or tomorrow or the next day. all i can do is my best to take care of me. which is not great right now because of what i am going thru in so many areas of my life, but i am still breathing. adults need to do what they can to take care of themselves. it will not always look great but we have to learn to let go.
its ok- we are still breathing. just do the best with your life that you can.
big hugs sweetie,
chicory
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