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Old 10-26-2010, 07:35 PM
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Thank you Keepinon,

I have gotten strength from all of you here.

I still wish there was a parents forum here. I often have to search and search for someone who can give me some advice. it is different for parents i think, for we know we do not wish to divorce that person forever. of course, we dont have to live with them either. our love never turns to hate, but i feel sorry for spouses and partners , who have to suffer to the point where they despise their a.
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:39 PM
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you can always pm us moms on the site.
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:07 PM
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Hi Chicory - You have to trust me on this and I hope it gets you through the next few days... Yes, when he is gone you will worry about him BUT you will have your life, home and peace returned to you. I know it's hard to imagine, but you will feel actually better when it is done and you have a few days to process it all.

What are your plans for this weekend? Will you have someone come stay with you to make sure he leaves? I'm a bit concerned for your safety. Does he have keys to your doors? You need to remember to get those back or have your locks changed. I'll PM you my phone number and you be sure to call if you need to talk ....any time.

Are you ready for this? ...because it is time. I know you've had way more than enough. Time to take care of you now, because if you don't you're going to get sick with all this stress. (((((HUGS)))))
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Old 10-26-2010, 10:09 PM
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Yes,
I feel ready. i feel sad, and moments when i feel regret. I just cannot go on this way. I know it has affected me already. but i used to take care of myself, and i feel like i will feel renewed. of course, i will probably still have lots of worry, but i will have to work on that too.

he will not make it with me. so, i have to do this. for him and for me.

i will not be alone doing this. i will get his key too. i have a police officer for a son in law. he is going to help me. he is quite eager to do this for me, actually. he has a soft spot for my son, but he knows that this is so wrong.

hugs, and many thanks for always being here for me.
i will keep your number close, tjp
hugs,
chicory
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:38 AM
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Hang in there chicory.
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
Thank you Keepinon,

I have gotten strength from all of you here.

I still wish there was a parents forum here. I often have to search and search for someone who can give me some advice. it is different for parents i think, for we know we do not wish to divorce that person forever. of course, we dont have to live with them either. our love never turns to hate, but i feel sorry for spouses and partners , who have to suffer to the point where they despise their a.
chicory,

I had to kick out my older daughter. she was drinking, went to jail for DUI, fighiting with everyone in the house, waking us up so she can scream at us drunk,

all this while I was going through chemo for colon cancer and feeling so sick from it. not to mention that I had mescectomy 4 months prior to finding the colon cancer.

do you think she helped me in my recovery? NO,

and I had to take care of my grandaughter, her child.

I had to kick her out or she was going to basically put me to death. I was stressing so much, all I wanted to do was drink and smoke cigarettes, and that's while going through chemo. I wished I was dead because of her.

She had a boyfriend and we kicked her out. I told her I was willing to take care of my grandaughter but she had to go. I couldn't take it any more. She eventually came to get her daughter too.
She had a few episodes where she tried to come back cause it wasn't working out with the boyfriend. I told her, I will help her find an apartment, but she cannot come back. It hurts me like hell to be this way, and that's even after she didn't give two shits about how I felt when she was acting out. I still feel bad for her. But mostly I am always concerned about my grandaughter.

As of yesterday, she wants move out of her boyfriends house. I told her, she has to find a new place, and that I will help her to get started, but I DO NOT want her back. If I let her come back, she will again use her child as a guilt trip on me to let her stay and eventually she'll try to take over the whole house with her attitude and we'll all be walking on egg shells in fear of making her mad.

I can't do it. I just can't live like that any more.
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:55 AM
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Chicory..just keep praying and brace yourself for what is to come. It probably won't be pretty getting him out, but it WILL be worth it. Do not listen to anything nasty he has to say to you..picture it like he is just spewing his disease and you now have a plastic bubble to keep it off of you. It helped me to sayto myself"That is the disease talking." and when I could identify it, then I would say to myself that "I don't talk to the disease". Because the disease doesn't hear you.The disease wants what it wants..booze,drugs, and a comfy place to do them.DON'T LISTEN. You can do this. You are ready.
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Old 10-27-2010, 08:54 AM
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I am not a mother, but boy do I take my hat off to you ladies!
18 yrs my arse! It is a lifetime!
I worked in San Francisco in the Castro with AIDS patients.
No matter what the issues of the past, no matter how long it had been, It was always the mothers who turned up and were there for their "kids".
The love never goes away I guess.
How strong they were. No questions asked. At that point, it was not about trying to change things. If you love someone, set them free....
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Old 10-27-2010, 08:59 AM
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then I would say to myself that "I don't talk to the disease". Because the disease doesn't hear you.The disease wants what it wants..booze,drugs, and a comfy place to do them.DON'T LISTEN. You can do this. You are ready.
[/QUOTE]


thank you Keepinon
you are sooo right.
i wont listen- i have so many times before, and knew better even then.
i recognize it now for what it is, and it has helped to read about all the others who have been through this. that gives me strength and hope. so, if anyone wants to share about their experience, it is so appreciated,and helpful!

hugs,
chicory
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Old 10-27-2010, 09:30 AM
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Chicory, my heart goes out to you and your son, sounds like a very stressful situation that is unmanageable. I have been attending al-anon and it is the best thing i could have done. i was too emeshed in my partner's life that i could not see that my life had disappeared and i became ill with stress as a result. it used to be my priority that my partner stop drinking. now my priority is my serenity at all costs. it is amazing how my attitude has changed but this is thanks to al-anon. People cannot be forced to change, you can only change yourself. It is so easy to get sucked into their drama but you don't need to do that. I made a conscious decision that i won't participate in the drama as i know nothing good comes of it. however, there are days when i slip up but that is okay. i step away from the drama by refusing to engage in arguments or discussions that i know are inflammatory. i try to make sure that i am in good shape mentally and physically so that i can deal with the stress. i go to al-anon, i reach out to friends and most importantly i focus on my life and pamper myself often. guilt is the one thing that hooks me back in and i have to be careful to deal with those feelings otherwise i end up back in the drama. what i have realised is that my partner is very clever and manipulative and knows which buttons to press to get a reaction from me etc. i used to think that because he was drinking that he didn't know what he was doing but i learnt that often he did. unfortunately addicts are users and will do anything to get what they want.

please focus on yourself and take care of yourself, the rest will follow.

hugs
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Old 10-27-2010, 12:28 PM
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Dear Chicory, I hope that everything works out this weekend according to your plans. However, as I previously posted you can not really force your son out without formally evicting him even if he's not paying rent. Since you have allowed your son to use your home as his legal address it is required by law that you officially process all the required paperwork for eviction. As I previously posted I have had to call the police a couple times to help calm my grandson down. Once your son has been served the paperwork he has 30 days to leave your residence. I know that doesn't sound like justice for us, but that is just the facts. That is why I suggested you might want to be prepared to move out temporarily.

However, if your son doesn't know his rights and you can get the help of your police officer son-in-law to assist you in removing your son from your home, good for you! I know all to well how it is to live with a love one who doesn't want to respect us.



Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm!
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Old 10-27-2010, 12:34 PM
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I would think her police officer son-in-law would be familiar with the laws in their town/state.
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Old 10-27-2010, 12:57 PM
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states differ.

In my home state it was as easy as calling the police and saying you wanted them out.

I have never lived in Texas...so that is a new one on me.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:28 PM
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While that is the law in Ohio as well, i would have to get my landlady to process an eviction. she does not even know he is living here, and would be angry at having to go to the expense. it takes some money to do that, through the court. i am not wanting to draw her attention to the fact that he did put a hole in the wall. she may evict me as well, if she feels that we have the possiblilty of making a disturbance for others here.

it is more than just being disrespected, it is killing me slowly, or maybe quickly. and killing his self, too, through his drinking. when he does not have drink, he badgers me, and torments me, to get something for his nerves- which i dont do, and life is no good that way.

i will deal with the situation as it comes. it may be against the law for me to put him out, but he knows that what he is doing is so deserving of this. so, we will see. i dont know if he will refuse or not. if he does, i will do every thing in my power to make him too miserable to be here.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:33 PM
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we were not going to have him handcuffed or anything. I have told him he is leaving this weekend, that i dont want him here anymore, that it is too painful for me, and not helping him. if several family members are here, and i am telling him to leave, and my son in law is there to just over see and drive him to the shelter, that may not be against any laws. that may be enough to make him go . it was not going to be a bogus forced leaving. just a "you have to go" and hope that he does not cause trouble. he is not a violent guy, or a fighter. son in law is just there, for my support. he cares about my son too.
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:33 PM
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If he's not on the lease and there's no rental agreement between the two of you either, you likely don't need to worry about eviction. What's he going to do? Go to the court and say, "My mom kicked me out of the house"?
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Old 10-27-2010, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
If he's not on the lease and there's no rental agreement between the two of you either, you likely don't need to worry about eviction. What's he going to do? Go to the court and say, "My mom kicked me out of the house"?
l2l-
excellent point!

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Old 10-27-2010, 05:11 PM
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punching holes in the wall is violent, Chicory and hasn't he thrown things at you before.Definately have other people there just to err on the side of caution
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
punching holes in the wall is violent, Chicory and hasn't he thrown things at you before.Definately have other people there just to err on the side of caution
Yes, that is violent, and he did the punch while he was taking benadryl. that makes him so hateful after a few days.

he threw the chip dip across kitchen , nearly missing tom the kitty, who son dearly loves, the same day. he did not aim it at us, but it was violent and scary just the same.

surely, drugs, alcohol, and anger make people do things that they would never do while sober.

that is in my mind, too. that is why others will be here. just in case.
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Old 10-27-2010, 09:04 PM
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Hi chicory, I just happened to read this thread and you sound so much like me in so many ways. I was right where you are when I joined the forum and I'm your age too.

I know how much it rips your heart out and how the fear holds you hostage. I finally had to save myself and face my fear and the risk involved with setting boundaries. There IS risk involved when we kick our addicted children to the curb. It is very frightening to accept that we may have to face the devastating consequences of their addiction. The truth though is there is nothing we can do to change that. Rescuing them when they reach the point your son is in and my son was in hurts them more than helps them and causes blame and resentments and really affects their self esteem.

I tried to help with rehabs and hospitals and jail and anything I could do. Each one of these things helped for a time, but the resentment from my son ended up so great that I had to separate completely for both of us. I realized at that point I was not good for him and it was sending me into a deep depression.

I know that there is always someone here that has already gone through what I may have to go through and they made it. I borrow strength from them to face the risk that they have already faced. There are many here who have lost their children and I borrow strength from their courage and hope from their process.

You are not alone. There are many who have gone on before you and before me. There is no crystal ball and there is risk. We are finally able to accept the risk and then take action. Awareness, Acceptance, and Action saved my sanity in that order. I am also ACA and I think it has a lot to do with it. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure your son. All of our loved ones would be whole if we had that power. Heaven knows how hard we've all tried.

Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your son.
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