L337Lady

Does anyone else get violent when they blackout? I am a really good person and try very hard to treat my partner with as much respect and love that I can give, all. day. every. day. I've never lied to him, I've never drank behind his back, I've never once intentionally went out of my way to hurt his feelings (we are going on 15 months together), but I've gotten violent (breaking things) 3 times with him. This last time (last Friday), I physically hurt him.

He doesn't understand that IT WASNT ME who did it. I don't remember it. I don't have those feelings, those thoughts, those intentions AT ALL.

Can anyone relate?

SoberLifeForMe

I can't relate to getting violent, but I can relate to blackouts. Twice (that I'm aware of), I drove 30 miles blacked out. It's possible I drove in that condition more than that. I really don't know. My blackouts became more and more frequent, to the point that they were almost nightly. My last one, I woke up in the hospital about five hours later with a priest administering anointing of the sick over me. I don't remember anything during that stretch. Not my proudest moment, to be certain.

The nice thing is, you don't have to have any more blackouts. You don't have to have any more mornings filled with regrets and trying to piece together what you did the night before.

Sobriety and the mental and physical relief we get from it really are worth it. Life is much more peaceful in sobriety.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR L337lady. I can relate to bad things happening when I drank for certain. Having said that, we are responsible for whatever actions we make when drunk, even if we dont remeber or "mean" to do them. Taking the first drink means accepting whatever might happen later.

Dee74

Hi and welcome L337Lady

I think most of us can identify with drinking, blacking out, and doing things we're ashamed about.

Unfortunately for us, getting drunk is not a get out of jail free card.

If you want to prove that behaviour is not you, I can;t think of a better way than staying sober from now on.

People can, and will be mad at us for things we do when drunk.

If you were violent I think thats a pretty good red flag and a call for change.

I hope you decide to give up drinking for good.

D

Steely

Yes L337lady I can relate, and I'm a lady too.

The person you know yourself to be will never be, if you are drinking to blackout.

Keep coming here and put down the glass with the hand of that good person.

Outonthetiles

I thought I was the greatest drunk in the world and was never an angry drunk until the last two years when I became fully alcoholic and the booze literally stopped working for me. I became angry a lot of the time, surely, even paranoid. At one point I drunkenly threw my phone in a swimming pool and had to retrieve it the next day. PS that phone was ruined.

L337Lady

One time I tried throwing myself out of a van. The guy i was seeing at the time barely got a hold of my hand as i dangled out the passenger door. So i kicked out the windshield of his van and punched him in the face.

Sobriety is dangling your arm out the window, not your body out the door. ugh... i really hope i get a grasp on it this round. I've been sober on and off for over a year. Thankfully many more sober months w/ a week of binge drinking in between.

DontRemember

I would argue with my ex over stupid things or things from the past that didn't need to be brought up,when i was drinking. My ex would get violent and angry every time she drank in excess . Ex also got physically violent towards me a couple times while blacked out..Notice I said 'ex' a lot? If you want to continue this relationship something must change.

LadyBlue0527

Yes, I identify with this. I shudder to think about some of the things that came out of my mouth and things I did when I was drinking.

But, it is you. It's you under the influence of alcohol, and it only gets worse.

Also, speaking from experience, that excuse will not hold up in court.

I hope you make the decision that alcohol is not for you before something worse happens.

Are you considering quitting? Once you start becoming an angry blackout drunk it goes downhill quickly from there. Anytime alcohol touches your lips all bets are off.

I sincerely hope you realize the possibly horrible outcomes up to, and including death.

Do you have a plan to quit?

Jules714

To my knowledge, I never got violent...but I was very mean. I laid into my ex on a near nightly basis. Unacceptable.
I have a lot of guilt and remorse for this but I can't change that.
I'm presently changing me. I'm not drinking. I'm done ruining my own life & health.
GL,
J

L337Lady

I am not drinking for the purpose to black out. It just happens every once in a while. However, you are greatly correct in saying that the person I know myself to be will never be. I have to accept that I ultimately made the decision to pick up that drink knowing I could lose myself.

I appreciate the response.

2ndhandrose

I never purposely drank myself into a blackout, either, but the thing was I could never predict or control when it happened.

I hope you can find your way to accepting that the only way to avoid a blackout is to take alcohol off the table for good.

Andante

I can't speak for Steely, but the phrase "drinking to blackout" usually means simply "drinking until blackout" and not "drinking with the purpose of blacking out."

L337Lady

This renders deep for me. I truly came onto this website last night because I wanted people to support me in a way that was like, ya it's okay lady, we've all been there, other people don't understand, and you deserve forgiveness. All I got was straight forward "It's your fault" responses followed up with, "If you knew the consequences before taking those actions, try not drinking anymore." LOL

I couldn't be happier that people on here are blunt and forward, all while being supportive. EVEN IF last night, all I wanted to do was be like I NEED someone else to bear this weight WHY don't you guys start supporting excuses with me??

I have been an alcoholic for 10 years. I grew up in a household where my father was drunk and breaking things on a very regular basis. My mother was always quick to forgive and I need to quit letting that cloud the judgment and forgiveness I expect others to have towards me.

As for my current situation, the man I am with has been quitting and starting drinking with me since we met. He encourages me to relapse and I encourage him to relapse as well. I've never drank behind his back or without his permission and he knows the consequences just as well as I do. I was so caught up in thinking, "He's my partner, he should have to bear this weight too because he initiates it, buys it, drinks it with me. Why am I ultimately at fault when I don't know who I am during those blackout spans of time. Why is he treating me so poorly for actions that he knew would commence and actions he helped render?"

You guys are helping me see that no matter what, there will always be influences (even if it's my boyfriend) and I have to be strong FOR MYSELF so that I do not lose myself because no one has the final say, except me.

I truly never thought discussing my alcoholism like this would be so helpful. It wouldn't be if you guys didn't have a "no excuse" attitude and I appreciate it.

Thank you.

SoberLifeForMe

L337Lady, I'm glad you see the benefit of the straight-forward answers you're receiving here. Yes, we can almost all relate to your current situation and have empathy, but as you've realized, we also need to take responsibility for our choice to drink and the consequences that brings. It's a tough lesson to learn, but one can't really move forward without accepting that personal responsibility aspect.

I started to accept this after joining SR, but it didn't fully sink in for me until I went through IOP. Please stick around and keep posting here. I'm sure you'll learn a lot more from the fine folks here. They really do understand and care. Although it's taken a lot more than just the support I received on SR to get sober, I honestly don't think I'd be sober today had I not joined SR in those early days after I determined I needed to stop.

LadyBlue0527

Please know that every word you're reading is not judgmental, it comes from a place of love and compassion because we DO KNOW. We have been there. We know exactly what it feels like to wake up the next morning and be horrified. It's the worst feeling.

What scared me even more was there was a point where I knew just about how much I could drink until I was headed for blackout territory (not that I cared). That also changes. My last blackout occurred after two drinks.

The only safe thing to do is to no longer drink.

Ariesagain

See, THIS is the person you were meant to be. Honest, clear-headed, responsible. There aren't many active drinking alcoholics who would have been able to read these posts and see the truth and the supporting intentions behind them. Good for you.

You know. YOU KNOW that if it's your body attacking another person, that's on you, not on the alcohol. You say you've been an alcoholic for ten years...was this boyfriend around that long? Is he physically holding you down and forcing you to drink?

You have it in you to stop drinking and live a better life where you shine, not hide from your actions.

This is great place for info and support for getting sober. I hope you'll stay with us.

Anna

I wish it was as simple as saying 'it wasn't me'. But, it was. I didn't want to believe I behaved horribly in blackouts, but I did. And, no matter how much I wished it wasn't me, it was.

It's demoralizing and yet, freeing to accept that, indeed, this is me doing this. By accepting that, you will be able to change it. You don't have to depend on your partner to say or do anything (or not). You can do this and if you want to stop drinking, you can do it.

Something that shocked me and terrified me was hearing a story of a woman who was in a car accident in a blackout and ended up killing the person in the other car. She 'woke up' in jail and had zero recollection of what happened. The legal system, of course, found her responsible for the death and it didn't matter that she couldn't remember.

Carlotta

I was not a blackout or violent drunk but my XABF was. He tried to strangle me once while in a blackout and had zero recollection of it the next day. He ended up committing suicide by jumping under a subway train. I don't know the specifics but I would not be surprised if it had happened while he was in another blackout.

You have obviously crossed a line where you can't drink safely ever again but the good news is that you can decide to lead a sober, healthy and relatively sane life from now on.
You don't have to worry about what you might have done while intoxicated ever again. The decision to play Russian roulette and take that first drink is completely up to you.

Another piece of good news is while it is difficult, many of us here gotten (and stayed) sober while living with an alcoholic partner. You will find a LOT of support both on this side of SR and on the friends and family side. They key is to recover for yourself and never to make your sobriety contingent upon someone else's.

I'll be blunt it's tough and at times it can be hell but you definitely can achieve long term sobriety whether your loved ones are still drinking or not.

Have you made a recovery plan yet?

Steely

Hi Andante,

I didn't mean drinking to black out. I meant drinking up until, to the point of black-out. Not an intent to black-out. Hope I'm not that bad.