L337Lady

This renders deep for me. I truly came onto this website last night because I wanted people to support me in a way that was like, ya it's okay lady, we've all been there, other people don't understand, and you deserve forgiveness. All I got was straight forward "It's your fault" responses followed up with, "If you knew the consequences before taking those actions, try not drinking anymore." LOL

I couldn't be happier that people on here are blunt and forward, all while being supportive. EVEN IF last night, all I wanted to do was be like I NEED someone else to bear this weight WHY don't you guys start supporting excuses with me??

I have been an alcoholic for 10 years. I grew up in a household where my father was drunk and breaking things on a very regular basis. My mother was always quick to forgive and I need to quit letting that cloud the judgment and forgiveness I expect others to have towards me.

As for my current situation, the man I am with has been quitting and starting drinking with me since we met. He encourages me to relapse and I encourage him to relapse as well. I've never drank behind his back or without his permission and he knows the consequences just as well as I do. I was so caught up in thinking, "He's my partner, he should have to bear this weight too because he initiates it, buys it, drinks it with me. Why am I ultimately at fault when I don't know who I am during those blackout spans of time. Why is he treating me so poorly for actions that he knew would commence and actions he helped render?"

You guys are helping me see that no matter what, there will always be influences (even if it's my boyfriend) and I have to be strong FOR MYSELF so that I do not lose myself because no one has the final say, except me.

I truly never thought discussing my alcoholism like this would be so helpful. It wouldn't be if you guys didn't have a "no excuse" attitude and I appreciate it.

Thank you.