Originally Posted by L337Lady

I have owned up to the fact that I am the abuser. This post was not meant for me to try and take the place as a victim. It was to vent and seek advice. I am in the middle of losing my family. My child built a bond with him. That is our home. Our dog and cat. Our comfort zone. All of it is being taken away from me because my blackouts caught up with me when I was the happiest I've ever been. Him and I have been sober far more than we have drank together. We are very happy and healthy every moment of our relationship besides when I am blacked out and besides when we are enabling one another. It does not seem reasonable to end a relationship that is kind, loving, and full of comfort when neither of us have given it a true adamant attempt. Figuring out how to remain sober is the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. I have finally chosen to seek help and all I want is for him to find it in his heart to forgive me for my actions, have faith in my ability to remain sober for our family, and get help together. I am sort of responding to lots of other peoples posts and not just yours. I hope that's okay. But I do not think we are detrimental for one another, I think we just haven't taken the right steps. The beginning of sobriety is filthy, especially for those who don't avoid triggers and stay away from people who are readily willing to drink with them... etc. If we can both see the importance of taking it more seriously than, "we're not going to drink anymore," we can rebuild and be happy and strong together. I am finally starting to see that seeking help, making a plan, and incorporating the importance of it as prevalently as possible into my life, is going to be the most successful path for sobriety. I did not intent to make him seem like a bad man if I have. He is wonderful, so kind, hardworking and treats my daughter with the utmost respect.

I mention those things about being so very kind and honest and faithful to him because he should know my capabilities by this point. I am a student and hold a 3.8 GPA in Nuclear Technology. I was a single mother for 6 years, never allowing a man to be in our lives unless he was worthy enough to have an impact on my child.

I am hurting for him, my daughter, and myself, all while doing my best to own up to my actions. With all the variables and my overwhelming ability to analyze the crap out of everything, it is very hard to accept that responsibility, own up to it, and still not ask why I am not worthy enough to trust, support, and fight for.

Chicken and Rice... I don't think I've ever vented so much in my life to anyone other than my mother or best friend.

Originally Posted by JK130

Hello Lady, It's early morning where I am, so Good Morning too. You have a lot of healing to do, and I hope you are looking forward to feeling better and being better. You can! Are you alone today? What's on your agenda? Keeping busy and extra sleep both help. Keep close to SR if it's comforting to you, there's always somebody here to chat with :-)

Originally Posted by Ariesagain

I am nobody's pawn and that I became one over time motivates me to stay sober more than anything except this forum.

Originally Posted by Lava256

I'm sorry, OOTT, but this made me laugh. I can't imagine how angry you must've been that you threw your phone in the pool! Lol. Good one. It's great, though, that that's the old you.

Originally Posted by L337Lady

Does anyone else get violent when they blackout? I am a really good person and try very hard to treat my partner with as much respect and love that I can give, all. day. every. day. I've never lied to him, I've never drank behind his back, I've never once intentionally went out of my way to hurt his feelings (we are going on 15 months together), but I've gotten violent (breaking things) 3 times with him. This last time (last Friday), I physically hurt him.

He doesn't understand that IT WASNT ME who did it. I don't remember it. I don't have those feelings, those thoughts, those intentions AT ALL.

Can anyone relate?