Yes, I identify with this. I shudder to think about some of the things that came out of my mouth and things I did when I was drinking.
He doesn't understand that IT WASNT ME who did it. I don't remember it. I don't have those feelings, those thoughts, those intentions AT ALL
But, it is you. It's you under the influence of alcohol, and it only gets worse.
Also, speaking from experience, that excuse will not hold up in court.
I hope you make the decision that alcohol is not for you before something worse happens.
Are you considering quitting? Once you start becoming an angry blackout drunk it goes downhill quickly from there. Anytime alcohol touches your lips all bets are off.
I sincerely hope you realize the possibly horrible outcomes up to, and including death.
Do you have a plan to quit?