I was not a blackout or violent drunk but my XABF was. He tried to strangle me once while in a blackout and had zero recollection of it the next day. He ended up committing suicide by jumping under a subway train. I don't know the specifics but I would not be surprised if it had happened while he was in another blackout.
You have obviously crossed a line where you can't drink safely ever again but the good news is that you can decide to lead a sober, healthy and relatively sane life from now on.
You don't have to worry about what you might have done while intoxicated ever again. The decision to play Russian roulette and take that first drink is completely up to you.
Another piece of good news is while it is difficult, many of us here gotten (and stayed) sober while living with an alcoholic partner. You will find a LOT of support both on this side of SR and on the friends and family side. They key is to recover for yourself and never to make your sobriety contingent upon someone else's.
I'll be blunt it's tough and at times it can be hell but you definitely can achieve long term sobriety whether your loved ones are still drinking or not.
Have you made a recovery plan yet?