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Old 07-01-2017, 03:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
Hi Andante,

I didn't mean drinking to black out. I meant drinking up until, to the point of black-out. Not an intent to black-out. Hope I'm not that bad.
Ha! I never drank with the intent to black out either, but it was certainly an unintended consequence hundreds upon hundreds of times !
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Old 07-01-2017, 04:19 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Lady, it brought a smile to my face to see your response to our advice/posts/whatever. LOL It's good that you're not trying to 'shift the blame' to the drunk you vs the sober you and realizing that you have to own up to it. As the others have said;we ALL do know and have been through what you're going through. I wish I could have told my judge my dui/car crash wasn't my fault..it was that other guy,the drunk me..that guy so, let sober me off? I don't think that defense strategy would have got me very far. My ex would ALWAYS use the "I was drunk..I don't remember...I'm so sorry" lines after a blowup.. Sorry's only last for so long and the other person will eventually not take "sorry" anymore. Hang in there and get you a plan together.
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Old 07-01-2017, 04:32 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I'm really glad you get it, L337Lady

D
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Old 07-01-2017, 11:41 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=Ariesagain;6520982]You say you've been an alcoholic for ten years...was this boyfriend around that long? Is he physically holding you down and forcing you to drink?
QUOTE]

He actually broke up with me today because of my actions. But no, he and I were together for 15 months. He does not hold me down and force me to drink. He enables, encourages, and influences for us to drink together. I do know that I made the final decision to drink that night. I'd just like to understand how he can think that I was the only willing participant in jeopardizing our relationship when we both know the consequences. You start to forget that he said he would break up with you if it ever happens again when he is the one telling you we should get pint of crown. He thinks he can justify is addiction because I cannot justify mine when the impact of my decision to drink overruled his.

-Throwin myself a pity party.
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Old 07-01-2017, 11:50 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
Have you made a recovery plan yet?
The only plan I've conducted is to find an A.A. meeting as soon as possible.
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Old 07-02-2017, 01:35 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I switched pronouns in your original post. Read it and try to see how it sounds.


" I've never drank behind her back, I've never once intentionally went out of my way to hurt her feelings (we are going on 15 months together), but I've gotten violent (breaking things) 3 times with her. This last time (last Friday), I physically hurt her. "

now in your second post

" I'd just like to understand how she can think that I was the only willing participant in jeopardizing our relationship when we both know the consequences."....She thinks she can justify her addiction because I cannot justify mine when the impact of my decision to drink overruled hers.

He might be an alcoholic and enabler but he is the victim of domestic violence here and did not deserve to be attacked. You physically hurt him

Hopefully at some point he will deal with his own issues but the only person you can control is yourself and the only thing you can do is clean up your side of the street.

Face the facts: you were the abuser in this situation. Own up to it and stop trying to blame the victim.
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Old 07-02-2017, 01:53 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Lady, you are so sound, wise, mature and yes, a good person for seeing through the bluntness and realising all of these messages come from a place of understanding and care. We all care and we all understand. I have been there more times than I can count. In the end I was blacking out every time I drank, no matter the amount. It was scary and soul crushing.

Life is so much better now that I do not have to deal with that. I wake up each morning refreshed and absolutely sure of what happened the day or night before. Sometimes what happened the hours before are not so pleasant, but at least now `i remember it all and can deal with it in a sane manner with a clear head.

Sending you tons of support and a huge hug. We are here for you. You can get sober and you can do it even if your boyfriend continues to drink.
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Old 07-02-2017, 04:55 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by L337Lady View Post
. I'd just like to understand how he can think that I was the only willing participant in jeopardizing our relationship when we both know the consequences.

He thinks he can justify is addiction because I cannot justify mine when the impact of my decision to drink overruled his.

-Throwin myself a pity party.
the answer to the 1st part is simple; he is sick,too.

he can justify it all he wants just as you can TRY and justify your own actions.
fortunately for you, ya reached out for help. you reached out and tried to justify abusive,victim, self pity behavior to a group of people who have been in your shoes and care enough to break out their crowbars to work at poppin yer head outta yer but so you can get sober,learn causes and conditions for the underlying issues alcohol is just a symptom of, change, and love yourself.


good on ya for finding an AA meeting. it would be wise and encouraged to pick up the big book to find out exactly what the program is. you can read the big book online,too, until ya get a hardcover edition.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous

the first 164 pages are what we do to recover from alcoholism.
the rest is personal stories.
id suggest reading right from the front cover.
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:29 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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It sounds like the breakup is probably for the best. Both of you would like to recover, but have a quickly willing drinking partner in the other. Best not to focus on him feeling superior in the breakup. It's really of no consequence to you. You did screw up and now you can have a fresh start. We are here to support you, with honesty.
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:32 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Hi and welcome:

I just want t mention AVRT. It has changed my life.

I'm proud of you for what you are posting.

Read, participate and design a plan.

The work begins.

We are here to support you!
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:53 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Outonthetiles View Post
I thought I was the greatest drunk in the world and was never an angry drunk until the last two years when I became fully alcoholic and the booze literally stopped working for me. I became angry a lot of the time, surely, even paranoid. At one point I drunkenly threw my phone in a swimming pool and had to retrieve it the next day. PS that phone was ruined.
I'm sorry, OOTT, but this made me laugh. I can't imagine how angry you must've been that you threw your phone in the pool! Lol. Good one. It's great, though, that that's the old you.
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:57 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Hello Lady, It's early morning where I am, so Good Morning too. You have a lot of healing to do, and I hope you are looking forward to feeling better and being better. You can! Are you alone today? What's on your agenda? Keeping busy and extra sleep both help. Keep close to SR if it's comforting to you, there's always somebody here to chat with :-)
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:25 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=L337Lady;6521509]
Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You say you've been an alcoholic for ten years...was this boyfriend around that long? Is he physically holding you down and forcing you to drink?
QUOTE]

He actually broke up with me today because of my actions. But no, he and I were together for 15 months. He does not hold me down and force me to drink. He enables, encourages, and influences for us to drink together. I do know that I made the final decision to drink that night. I'd just like to understand how he can think that I was the only willing participant in jeopardizing our relationship when we both know the consequences. You start to forget that he said he would break up with you if it ever happens again when he is the one telling you we should get pint of crown. He thinks he can justify is addiction because I cannot justify mine when the impact of my decision to drink overruled his.

-Throwin myself a pity party.
I agree with applewakesup that it's probably for the best that you've broken up.

I too can relate with being a Mr. Hyde when blacked out. Actually, for me, it starts when I get drunk and after that, all bets are off. However, I have never, thankfully, been physically violent. I think if I had been, I may have woken up with a few broken bones or not at all.

There is a saying, though, that kids and drunks are the most honest people. So you may need to examine your relationship with your now ex to see if he was truly someone you were happy with. Perhaps there was some buried resentment you carried, either towards him or men in general (perhaps stemming from past relationships). It could, however, also be from the trauma of growing up with a violent, alcoholic father. Therapy may help.

Another thing I can relate with is the enabling. While my husband doesn't like me drunk, he still goes out and buys me tons of alcohol. I realize that he's in denial of my very deep problem. The one time I admitted to him that yes, I am an alcoholic, he seemed so disappointed that I've not mentioned it again. So he's still in denial. Plus, even knowing how crazy I get when I drink, he still says that he misses his drinking partner when I'm in my sober times. No excuse to drink though. We would be much happier with him drinking alone since he doesn't have a problem with it.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:44 AM
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Honest drunks? I get what you mean, Lava, but on that point I disagree.
Please God....when drunk I am NOT MY REAL SELF. That kind of "honesty" is not actually honest, it is letting out unfiltered, unmitigated rage that usually has little to do with current target. Every adult has ambivalence and needs that are not met by anyone in their current life. This is perfectly normal. Healthy adults deal with these in mature balanced creative ways--and therapy can really help a sober person willing to grow, personally.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:47 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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And hello, Lady. So glad you are here. Stay sober, you will never regret processing your life and relationships with all your faculties functioning.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by BixBees505 View Post
Honest drunks? I get what you mean, Lava, but on that point I disagree.
Please God....when drunk I am NOT MY REAL SELF. That kind of "honesty" is not actually honest, it is letting out unfiltered, unmitigated rage that usually has little to do with current target. Every adult has ambivalence and needs that are not met by anyone in their current life. This is perfectly normal. Healthy adults deal with these in mature balanced creative ways--and therapy can really help a sober person willing to grow, personally.
You may be right, bixbees. I've just, for the longest time, been told and made to feel like what I did when drunk or blacked out defined who I really was. I have been holding on to the slim hope that those people were simply lying. Because, phew! The drunk me is a terrible human being. Thanks for this eye opener.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:57 AM
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Lava, I bet a lot of people here will attest that drunk you is NOT you, and is in some ways the antithesis of the real you, rather then "defining" you. Claim your sober self, build and nurture and love that true self. It can take awhile to feel that there is anything there to build on...but there IS. You will look back with a proud smile at how far you have come and what you can BEcome.
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Old 07-02-2017, 08:09 AM
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lady, it sounds like your relationship has become very toxic both parties struggling with alcohol, and at least one becoming violent while drunk. yet both continue to drink together.
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Old 07-02-2017, 08:15 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by L337Lady View Post
This renders deep for me. I truly came onto this website last night because I wanted people to support me in a way that was like, ya it's okay lady, we've all been there, other people don't understand, and you deserve forgiveness. All I got was straight forward "It's your fault" responses followed up with, "If you knew the consequences before taking those actions, try not drinking anymore." LOL

I couldn't be happier that people on here are blunt and forward, all while being supportive. EVEN IF last night, all I wanted to do was be like I NEED someone else to bear this weight WHY don't you guys start supporting excuses with me??

I have been an alcoholic for 10 years. I grew up in a household where my father was drunk and breaking things on a very regular basis. My mother was always quick to forgive and I need to quit letting that cloud the judgment and forgiveness I expect others to have towards me.

As for my current situation, the man I am with has been quitting and starting drinking with me since we met. He encourages me to relapse and I encourage him to relapse as well. I've never drank behind his back or without his permission and he knows the consequences just as well as I do. I was so caught up in thinking, "He's my partner, he should have to bear this weight too because he initiates it, buys it, drinks it with me. Why am I ultimately at fault when I don't know who I am during those blackout spans of time. Why is he treating me so poorly for actions that he knew would commence and actions he helped render?"

You guys are helping me see that no matter what, there will always be influences (even if it's my boyfriend) and I have to be strong FOR MYSELF so that I do not lose myself because no one has the final say, except me.

I truly never thought discussing my alcoholism like this would be so helpful. It wouldn't be if you guys didn't have a "no excuse" attitude and I appreciate it.

Thank you.
One of the hardest things to do early on is to look into the mirror and be brutally honest about the person staring back at us. Quite frankly it sucks, but until you clear that hurdle, it will always be a struggle.
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Old 07-02-2017, 09:42 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post

Face the facts: you were the abuser in this situation. Own up to it and stop trying to blame the victim.
I have owned up to the fact that I am the abuser. This post was not meant for me to try and take the place as a victim. It was to vent and seek advice. I am in the middle of losing my family. My child built a bond with him. That is our home. Our dog and cat. Our comfort zone. All of it is being taken away from me because my blackouts caught up with me when I was the happiest I've ever been. Him and I have been sober far more than we have drank together. We are very happy and healthy every moment of our relationship besides when I am blacked out and besides when we are enabling one another. It does not seem reasonable to end a relationship that is kind, loving, and full of comfort when neither of us have given it a true adamant attempt. Figuring out how to remain sober is the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. I have finally chosen to seek help and all I want is for him to find it in his heart to forgive me for my actions, have faith in my ability to remain sober for our family, and get help together. I am sort of responding to lots of other peoples posts and not just yours. I hope that's okay. But I do not think we are detrimental for one another, I think we just haven't taken the right steps. The beginning of sobriety is filthy, especially for those who don't avoid triggers and stay away from people who are readily willing to drink with them... etc. If we can both see the importance of taking it more seriously than, "we're not going to drink anymore," we can rebuild and be happy and strong together. I am finally starting to see that seeking help, making a plan, and incorporating the importance of it as prevalently as possible into my life, is going to be the most successful path for sobriety. I did not intent to make him seem like a bad man if I have. He is wonderful, so kind, hardworking and treats my daughter with the utmost respect.

I mention those things about being so very kind and honest and faithful to him because he should know my capabilities by this point. I am a student and hold a 3.8 GPA in Nuclear Technology. I was a single mother for 6 years, never allowing a man to be in our lives unless he was worthy enough to have an impact on my child.

I am hurting for him, my daughter, and myself, all while doing my best to own up to my actions. With all the variables and my overwhelming ability to analyze the crap out of everything, it is very hard to accept that responsibility, own up to it, and still not ask why I am not worthy enough to trust, support, and fight for.

Chicken and Rice... I don't think I've ever vented so much in my life to anyone other than my mother or best friend.
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