Anon88

Hey everyone. Thank you to anyone who responds in advance. I just want to tell someone my story and ask for any support I can get. I'm a 28 year old man struggling to keep my life in order because of drugs and alcohol. I first started drinking at age 13 when some high school friends and I got drunk off of a case of beers. I was bullied heavily in middle school and high school and the alcohol made me not give a damn what anyone thought and I enjoyed being inebriated. Throughout college I developed a binge drinking habit and began using other drugs such as cocaine, LSD, mushrooms, pills etc. At age 19 I was arrested for DUI. You would think this would have halted my behavior but it didn't. I eventually graduated from school and at age 23 moved back in with my mom and dad. I continued getting messed up while living there and while all of this was going on I was struggling with depression and social anxiety. Isolating myself became my comfort zone and girlfriends and friends were almost non existent. Eventually after my parents discovered I was feeling suicidal I moved away at 25 and got a job in our state capital. The drinking just escalated since I was out from under their roof and I had more freedom. One night I met a girl out at the bars and we hit it off. I thought I loved this girl and we moved in together. She ran the relationship basically and at times abused me. Punching me in the face etc but I kept her around because I had such a low self esteem and felt I couldn't find anyone else. I eventually found out she was cheating on me and even took her back again after that. We drank and did drugs throuhout this entire experience until she ended up dumping me. This was really hard on me and I found out she left me because I was broke. This is where things get realllly bad. I started using credit cards to get as f'd up as possible because I could never be good enough in my own head. I ran up 20 grand in deb that I still have, had the cops called on me at my house for being drunk and got sent to the ER for being suicidal, punched a wall and broke my hand. I eventually lost my job in this town and am back at home at age 28. I've been more under control and have a new job but this past weekend I went out and got slammed. On the way back to my car a guy talks trash to me for no reason but I say something smart back to him and out of no where he is tackles me in the middle of downtown. His friend then tries to knock me out but I get away from that only to be head butted in the face by another guy. I then drove home drunk 45 minutes away and thankfully didn't kill anyone else. I hate myself right now for all of this. These issues and the debt I've gotten from all of this weigh on me so heavily. When the weekends roll around I'm so alone and feel so unwanted that it drives me back to old habits. My best friends still get sloshed and high all of the time so hanging out with them only triggers other behaviors and leads to other drugs. I also don't know if anyone from my job saw the fight I mentioned and I'm scared of work tomorrow. I just want someone to understand me but at the same time I just want to be a recluse. Life has me feeling so lost and I don't know how to find peace with my past.

StartingOverNW

Hi Anon - I'm sorry to hear you've gone through such rough times. Many of us here have been through similar experiences and we can relate. I think you'll find support and understanding here.

least

Welcome to the family! I used to isolate too, just sit home and drink. Wake up every day feeling like death warmed over. It's no way to live.

I found tremendous support here and I think you will too. I hope we can help you get sober for good.

Hevyn

Welcome Anon. Believe me, you are not alone. I did reckless & out-of-character things practically every time liquor was in my system. The only way to stop the destruction was to quit. I could never trust myself to have just one or two - I always drank until I put myself in danger.

I'm glad you found us. You can count on us to understand and encourage you as you reclaim your life. You're young and you can turn it all around.

Gilmer

Welcome, Anon!

The first step to getting unburied is to stop the substances ( including alcohol).

See a doctor to see how best to proceed with that and be safe.

It will take a little while to normalize physically and mentally.

Once your brain is rational, you and your doctor can address depression and you can work out financial plans with your creditors to pay small amounts to each at a time.

Right now the heavy load looks insurmountable--but take away the stuff that's clouding your judgment and you'll soon be able to take real steps to chip away at it.

It really is possible to dig your way out!

Anon88

Thanks for the responses everyone. Until the last incident I mentioned I actually made it two weeks clean of everything which was an accomplishment but I obviously understand I will be an addict for life. I just don't know how I can make myself feel like I'm worth something again. I also find myself feeling like what I have isn't good enough such as the money I'm making etc. All of these past experiences made me also develop a negativity towards women which I really hate myself for. I think I just believe the money I have isn't enough or that I'm just an ugly unlovable dude which might not be true. All of these things make me seek relief in substances. It means a ton that you all are here and if I start to get the urge to do reckless things I'm going to come here.

thomas11

Things may seem insurmountable at this point, but I assure you they are not. First things first, you need to stop drinking and drugging. All your troubles stem from that, so logically it needs to be eliminated. You have a college degree so employment should be something you can attain and keep. Then its a matter of putting together a strategy to right the wrongs that have been done in the last 10 years. Your story is more common than you think. You sound like a smart kid, time to use those brains to straighten out your life. Wish you the best.

PhoenixJ

Welcome. Some thoughts for you
- talk to a PERSON - in those credit agencies and say you are in debt and want to work out a manageable payment plan. My ex handed over an ambulance bill (the one that saved my life) originally for $900 at divorce proceedings,it had gone to court without me knowing. I explained stuff to the debt collector and ambulance brass- they accepted a $20 a fortnight plan which I just finished paying off.
- GET RID OF ALL THE CREDIT CARDS
- talk to a finance planner, they have schemes you can do.
- see a doc about your physical health. I was heavily bullied- have high anxiety, trust issues and drank to avoid life. I also have (it turns out) depression stemming from early childhood- anti-depressants help this ALOT.
- see a counsellor about your drinking- do a detox, do a rehab.
G o to regular AA MEETINGS- they work.
- make a plan of sober recovery.
- Make SR a daily check-in- join a monthly thread.
- journal- LOTS, about everything, big or small.
- see a psychologist regularly.
- get a routine for everyday stuff going, exercise a bit- avoid junk food and plan good meals- get a budget going- keep a record.
- start off small.
DO NOT DRINK OR DRUG ANYMORE.
My empathy and support to you, KEEP POSTING.

Gilmer

This place was my absolute lifeline when I was getting sober. The perspectives here helped me over a whole range of hurdles.

I've been sober now for 3 1/2 years, and I still draw immeasurable comfort and wisdom from this site.

It's really, really helpful. A lifesaver!

Stick with it! You'll get so much out of it!

rascalwhiteoak

Hi 88!

The discontent and low self-esteem will fade, the acting out will stop, once you eliminate the common denominator. Right now you have a boatload of effects, but just one cause.

A lot of what you posted is familiar to me. I was bullied in grade/high school and when I started drinking/pot/psychedelics somehow it all felt right, until it didn't. I realized in my twenties I didn't partake like most others, but didn't get things sorted out until forty. You're here at 28!

PippoRossi

Hi, Anon! Welcome! I am so glad you are here. You have been through so much, dear one. I can promise you that you will find nothing but love, respect and support here at Sober Recovery. Please stay close and accept all this amazing site has to offer. I would love to be able to give you a big hug right now, but this will have to do:

PippoRossi

^^^ THIS!!! ^^^ 28 years young! So great. Anon, you've got this!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Anon!!

doggonecarl

The way to find peace with your past is to stop repeating the mistakes of the past. And to do that you need to be clean and sober. Ready to make that commitment?

MidnightBlue

Hi, Anon.

Welcome to SR.

I second the other posters who said that this site has been a lifeline for them - on my early sobriety I practically lived here, and it was and still is of great support.

Then, even if it feels right now that you've ruined your life, you haven't.

You are in very dark place now, but there is a way out.

I was also isolated, depressed, unemployed, in debt, and I just didn't see the light.

I was 35 when I got sober. Now I am 4 years 8+months sober. I have a great job, I am working it out of debt. The life is so much better. And it all started with the first step when I committed to stop drinking and never look back.

Phoenix laid out a great plan - take it as a blueprint to start sorting out your life.

You are so young and have the entire life to live. Take control of your life NOW and you will be amazed how different it will be.

Best wishes to you.

Anon88

Hey everyone,

Ive slipped up twice since my first post. Both of the occurances happened when I was invited out by close friends. I'm living with my parents at age 28 and feel like such a loser for this. Them inviting me out is hard to resist as it gets rid of that guilt and makes me feel like I've got someone to be with. This is where I fall into the trap. The first time I went out to a German restaurant and had a beer which ended up with me drinking over 2 liters at the restaurant and then continuing it once I got back to their house. Hungover as hell the next day. The second time was this Saturday. I went back to my old town where I lived before moving home and had a beer over dinner again. I eventually ended up leaving my friend and since I was in this town I have triggers there for cocaine which led to me using all night after being drunk. The guilt the next morning was hell. It's really hard to combat the loneliness when most of your friends partake and expect you too as well. I also find myself depressed over my debt of 20k daily and that drives me to drink. The only thing I have to occupy my mind are video games and exercise. What can I do to not feel so lonely? I'm an introvert by the way and when I'm sober I keep to myself and do my own thing. This makes it very difficult for me with developing new relationships. The struggle is real. I'm also posting this because of the holiday where I'm at home alone with my parents. It's totally defeating. I look back and wonder what could have been if I didn't go down this path. I also find myself tempted to go out alone and drink at the bars desperately hoping any girl will talk to me.

Anna

Hi Anon, I'm sorry that you're struggling. I hope you can put your recovery first, and that means putting drinking friends at a distance, at least for awhile. I couldn't be around people drinking for many months.

My suggestion is to look around your area for volunteer work. Get out there and do something to help other people in your community. It will give you a chance to meet other sober people. Early recovery usually means a lot of changes, and it involves much more than just stopping drinking. You can be the person you want to be as long as you stay sober and recover.

Dee74

Hi Anon

I had to stop going out - at least for a while.

I'm not suggesting you stay at home with your folks - that would be hard labour - but there are things you could do socialising that need not involve alcohol - volunteering, as Anna suggested, is one thing...going on picnics, walks, coffee dates museums. art galleries, some sports, hobbies.

Anythign that need not involve you and alcohol.

I had to put clear distance between who I had been and who I wanted to become.

I missed a few parties but I gained a recovery so I think it was well worth it.

Just as you can't make an omlette without a few eggs, you can't make a recovery without making some changes and different choices,

Try and focus beyond the immediate =- those parties (and the people at them) will still be there in a few months time when your resolve will be stronger.

Think about a recovery plan - this link expLains a little of what your plan might look like


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html
D