MidnightBlue

Ok, I think I should give it a try.

First, I'd like to thank Jeni26 - because her thread about quitting smoking gave me a kick. I didn't want to crash Jeni's party so I've decided to start my own.

If it was about drinking I think I would start with words: "I am not sure if I have a problem".

There's a short introduction to my story.

I am a gym rat and mostly stick to healthy eating, but when I am really anxious, or face some challenging task, or depressed and upset with something (some of these happens at least once or twice a week), I just eat over it. I start mindless eating, preferrably cookies or chocolate, but other junk food works fine too. If there's no cookies or junk food available I just stuff myself with anything I have in the fridge till I am literally full and almost sick.

So, I suppose I have a problem.

The issue is quite tricky because I am not overweight, it doesn't threaten my life, or endangers my future directly. And when I share this with someone, they usually tell me: "Oh, come on, everyone needs to indulge herself in something sweet. And you shouldn't worry about this". It sounds like "bee in the bonnet".

But when I go on this eating binges I don't even enjoy taste of food, I just stuff myself with food and sense of guilt. I do it automatically to cope with anxiety. And that freaks me out. It's like drinking but with less serious consequences. And I think it's quite an addiction for me, because sometimes I literally run to the store at 9 or 10 p.m to buy cookies or ice-cream (just like 7 months ago I used to run for wine).

And if to be completely honest, I think I am chasing traces of that "comfort" feeling that I got from wine, something that allows me to dumb anxiety and to plunge in the comfort morass which gives illusion of "security".

It's not just ruins results of all my intensive workouts, it really messes up with my own self.

It's early morning, and I have to leave home in about half an hour, but I'll start my Big Plan RIGHT NOW.

I’ve adjusted it a little bit to my problem and here it is.

My Big Plan

"I will never go one binge eating again to cope with my stress, anxiety, depression and other things that upset me and push out of my comfort zone";
"I" am in control of my muscles. Therefore, "I" call the shots;

"Will" is just my ability to make a decision, which requires no power;

"Never" means eternity, forever, to the last star in the universe;

"Go one binge eating again to cope with my stress, anxiety, depression and other things that upset me and push out of my comfort zone" is what I will never do;

"Again," which means that this decision is based on my past experience.


And I feel the discomfort. That is my Beast, frightened of me, horrified at what I am planning, because I won't feed him with my power any longer, won't let suck out my positive emotions and self-respect.

No new problems caused by overeating:

-no extra weight,
-no sense of guilt,
-no high blood sugar,
-no sore stomach and me bloating all day long and feeling like I am having "sugar hangover",
-no my pancreas screaming bloody murder "Why again???"
-no ruined self-respect;
- no depression caused my high intake of blood sugar following by its drop, etc.
- no more money wasted on junk food (It’s crazy, but I believe that fresh berries and a lot of other useful things are expensive for me but I am flushing with money when it comes to my "comfort food" because my Beast wines and whimpers and goes wild about that);
- no more disguising my fears and anxiety with it.


I will face it and find productive and efficient way to cope with it.
And I will achieve whatever I hope for.

I feel the hope. My hopes are not an illusion, a false hope, or a pink cloud.
Those feelings am I.

I trust those feelings of hope.




And I do trust that I will always be able to recognize an inner longing to go on eating binge as my deadly enemy.

I AM willing to let my "old friend" suffer and die.

Here's my hands, which are necessary to buy and consume all this junk food.
I fully understand that they are under my complete control at all times.

My Beast has no power over me; it is a quadriplegic which must appeal to me in order to convince me buy junk food or mindlessly stuff myself with food
I wiggle my index finger.

(I actually had a break here for a few hours because I had some business to attend to, but once I got home, I got back to this - because it's important!).

And now I challenge my Beast to do the same.

And I ask myself, "How bad (depressed, anxious, bored, angry, etc.) am I willing to get and still not go on binge eating to cope with my stress, anxiety, depression and other things that upset me and push out of my comfort zone"?

- "As bad as I only can feel. As anxious as I can be anxious because then I can cope with it instead of running from it. I can get to the root of the problem that stands behind exciete and eliminate it. And no addiction can help to solve this problem. Addiction is a problem itself.

Commotion in my head? Surely it's in full swing:

"Aha, been there, done that. Every time the same tale -“ never again”. Come on, everyone eats sweets, good girls do it, there's nothing wrong with it".
Yest, I am threatening my Beast with death, with a painful tantalizing death without food, because its food is my fear, my anxiety, my belif that I can't cope with stress without cookies and junk food.

And, oh, "good girl" business. Good girls are pictured in movies and books as crying over spilt milk and relationships, and hell lot of other stuff. And their eat sweets, and cakes, and candies, and ice-cream - its their "approved" way to cope with tears and pain. I am sick and tired of being THAT good girl. I will tell her to f&&k off me and let me live my life.

Yeah, I will borrow what's been said by Freshstart for Jeni - I will be BADASS.
This Beast is not me! I will survive and live, and live better, and live great.

AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND!

The next step will be to describe what kind of a person I am when I am not listening to it, but follow my own pursue instead.

I will write it in another post, this one is quite long by far.

Thank you all, who's started reading this. And hats off to those who by some chance managed to make it to the end).

See you later.

Best wishes.


MidnightBlue (AKA Badass-Midnight)

Jeni26

Wow, what a post!

Best wishes to you Midnight Blue. I will watch your progress with interest, a bit selfishly maybe because I am interested in wider health issues for me too. Take out the bit about going to the gym and eating healthily...and increase the chocolate and cookie eating to a permanent thing...and that's me!! I'm not sure it's an addiction, but possibly. But for the moment I'm concentrating on the smoking.

So you go girl...you can never have too many badasses in the world! X

MidnightBlue

Jeni, thanks)

Quick check-in from me. My beast was whining today, and tried to scare me. But I stayed strong.

Jeni26

Mine too. I've got a very stressful week at work coming up, it's going to really test me. I listened to the whispers....'no way will you cope without a cigarette, might as well buy a couple of packs just to see you through, you can give up on Friday'...etc etc. I just kept picturing that conversation with my kids. That would be far far worse than any difficult work situation. This seems to be working for the moment.

Keep in touch MidnightBlue. We can do this x

MidnightBlue

Oh, Jeni. I am with you with a stressful week. I am speaking at the internet seminar for the first time and three days in a row! I've been just freaking out but I am better.

And today's seminar went ok)) And I've been anxious but didn't it over it!!! So, it's possible after all!

Good luck to you, let us now how's your week and progress going)

soberlicious

Jack Trimpey also wrote Taming the Feast Beast, which is about applying AVRT to eating. I haven't read it, or even read any reviews, but maybe it would be helpful for you?

Jeni, I haven't read your thread, but I also quit smoking AVRT-style.

Onward, fellow badasses

Jeni26

MidnightBlue-you sound like you're doing great, well done for facing that, go girl xx

I had the day from hell yesterday, really tough, and I haven't slept because today also promises to bring its challenges. Plus there are all sorts of complex dynamics going on with my parents at the moment which are sending me into a bit of a spin...but I still haven't smoked. I've REALLY wanted to, had to choke back a few tears a couple of times when I couldn't rush out after a difficult meeting and light up. I actually thought at one point, 'c'mon girl, you're a badass remember, stop bloody snivelling!!'

Nothing can make me smoke again...ha! Did I really say that?!

Keep going, we can do this!

And thanks soberlicious. I've read stuff you've posted before about smoking. Very cool. How long did it take you to get over the worst of the cravings?

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni. Thank you)

I didn't sleep well either tonight because was too overwhelmed after the webinar and my eyes were aching after computer.

Sending you positive vibes to cope with all your stress - sounds like you have a lot on your plate now.

I love that!!! That's what I should remember as well.

Jeni, have a great day, stay strong, you can have my AV-proof boxing gloves

And thanks Soberlicious for the tip about the book!

Jeni26

This week is just getting out of hand....today was awful. Since I got sober I've been promoted. I'm a teacher, but I've now been taken out of the classroom and given responsibility for staff and pupil support. Yesterday was an awful harrowing child protection meeting, today I had 5...yes 5!!!staff weeping at my news they were changing classes in September and tomorrow I'm going to have to speak to all the classroom support staff. When this week is finished, I'm going to visit my Dad who has just been diagnosed with a lung disease and who already has serious health problems...oh and there are loads of issues with my relationship with him anyway...I'm way out of my depth dealing with others emotions on top of my own at the moment.

Will a cigarette help? Probably not, but my AV is telling me I have to choose between that and a drink....that's rubbish I know. But I can feel my resolve being tested big time. Am I strong enough to ride this one out? Why am I even doubting that one? Badass Jen is wavering, I can feel it.

MidnightBlue

Jeni, you seem to have a hell of week.

I am wiped out myself. But every time I open the fridge and reach out for "comforting food" I tell myself - "I am a badass now. Nothing will break me". Maybe sounds a lit bit silly, but helps by far)

Hold on, Jeni. If we fight out AV, we'll fight everything!

Jeni26

Yeah you're right. Never means never!!!! I really should be getting over the worst of this smoking lark by now. Pathetic.

And I don't think you're silly at all!! You keep that fridge door firmly shut now... Oh unless you're reaching for some healthy fruit juice or something of course...

Hope your seminar goes well tonight. Sure it will. You are awesome by the way, thanks for the boxing gloves xx

soberlicious

About 2 weeks I'd say, then they lessened. It's been 10 months and I rarely get any beast activity. Sometimes, but it's rare and definitely weak. In the beginning it was so strong...so hard to ride it out. I had to do like lamaze breathing sometimes haha, but now, nope...more like an annoying gnat. Most of the time, the thought of sucking smoke into my lungs makes me gag. I look so much better now too. Smoking can make people look old...blech.

Midnightblue...I have been eating paleo-ish for a few months, and almost exclusively in the last month. I do not have cravings for sugar and carbs since I cut them out. It has been most helpful for my moods, as that stuff makes me very sluggish.

Jeni26

Thankyou...that gives me hope. My beast is still very strong after a week or so.

It's also trying different tactics....it tried working on me when I was stressed. Now it's telling me I need to reward myself for getting through the stress without it by giving in and buying a pack. It thinks its cleverer than me...hmm

Urge surfing is helping.

I'm finding the whole idea of not fighting it but instead being mindful of it and breathing through the cravings really helpful but quite hard to practice. But bottom line is, I don't smoke. Not now. Not ever. I might not be good at this yet, it's still really hard, but I can't argue with that fact.

How are you doing MidnightBlue?

Neagrm

You all are so inspiring. Thanks for this thread. I hope you keep posting. Reading about your self-talk, etc., through the challenge is really speaking to me.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni. I can relate to it, but overall it somehow works. And "badass mantra" also helps)))

Thanks God the seminar is over, I am planning on some easy-go day tomorrow.
I also skipped lunch today, so was hungry when got back home and ate a little bit too much) But it wasn't emotional eating, I was just hell hungry.

I am glad I made my Big Plan, it makes me responsible.
And glad we are making this together)

Neagrm - you are welcome to the thread! Feel free to post and share your experience)

Soberlicious - I've heard about Paleo a lot, but still not sure what's the main principle. As for me I need complex carbs like oats, rice, etc, since I work out a lot and need them like source of energy. Maybe I will include some Paleo elements. I think I have to explore more about it.

It's tome for me to write about the person I want to be. The one who are free from binge-eating. Nor right now - it's late and I am exhausted, but tomorrow for sure.

Best wishes to all)

Jeni26

Hey well done you!!

I'm also over the worst of the stresses at work. I've got 2 more days then a week off. Maybe I will start to reflect on the person I want to be too. I'm watching your healthy eating endeavours with interest....I am actually a junk food addict, non exercising workaholic...but I don't drink and I don't smoke. Just maybe I could look at a few healthier ways to relax and feel good about myself?

All in good time...'Rome wasn't built in a day' and all that....

Time for you to relax now my badass pal xx

MidnightBlue

Oh, and I forgot to mention - what's great about this method that I don't count "healthy eating days" vs. binge eating days any longer. It's just not for me any more, it's not me, not my style of life. Period.

MidnightBlue

Thank you Jeni) And you are right about Rome - not drinking and not smoking is great foundation for healthy lifestyle.

Badass pal - I like it))

Jeni26

I'm almost thinking I might add a little exercise into my routine...nothing major you understand...ha!

Onwards for us both. The beast is quiet tonight. I think I may have just totally confused him!

Take care xx

soberlicious

Lots of athletes eat paleo, especially the cross-fitters. Some athletes do add in a small amount of complex carbs. I work out usually 5 times a week (either running, biking, or cardio/weights) and I eat no grains. For me, it's not about following a plan or specific diet per se, but really paying close attention to my body and what certain foods are doing to it. I have become much more in tuned to how I am feeling (mood, digestion, energy level, etc.) I have noticed in the past that carbs (specifically from grains) and of course sugar, both increase my cravings and my propensity for unhealthy binge eating, and they also decrease my energy level and wreck my mood. But that's just my body's reaction. Everyone is different.

Go Jeni! You'll be surprised what your lungs can do without the butts! I know I was...