MidnightBlue

Ok, I think I should give it a try.

First, I'd like to thank Jeni26 - because her thread about quitting smoking gave me a kick. I didn't want to crash Jeni's party so I've decided to start my own.

If it was about drinking I think I would start with words: "I am not sure if I have a problem".

There's a short introduction to my story.

I am a gym rat and mostly stick to healthy eating, but when I am really anxious, or face some challenging task, or depressed and upset with something (some of these happens at least once or twice a week), I just eat over it. I start mindless eating, preferrably cookies or chocolate, but other junk food works fine too. If there's no cookies or junk food available I just stuff myself with anything I have in the fridge till I am literally full and almost sick.

So, I suppose I have a problem.

The issue is quite tricky because I am not overweight, it doesn't threaten my life, or endangers my future directly. And when I share this with someone, they usually tell me: "Oh, come on, everyone needs to indulge herself in something sweet. And you shouldn't worry about this". It sounds like "bee in the bonnet".

But when I go on this eating binges I don't even enjoy taste of food, I just stuff myself with food and sense of guilt. I do it automatically to cope with anxiety. And that freaks me out. It's like drinking but with less serious consequences. And I think it's quite an addiction for me, because sometimes I literally run to the store at 9 or 10 p.m to buy cookies or ice-cream (just like 7 months ago I used to run for wine).

And if to be completely honest, I think I am chasing traces of that "comfort" feeling that I got from wine, something that allows me to dumb anxiety and to plunge in the comfort morass which gives illusion of "security".

It's not just ruins results of all my intensive workouts, it really messes up with my own self.

It's early morning, and I have to leave home in about half an hour, but I'll start my Big Plan RIGHT NOW.

I’ve adjusted it a little bit to my problem and here it is.

My Big Plan

"I will never go one binge eating again to cope with my stress, anxiety, depression and other things that upset me and push out of my comfort zone";
"I" am in control of my muscles. Therefore, "I" call the shots;

"Will" is just my ability to make a decision, which requires no power;

"Never" means eternity, forever, to the last star in the universe;

"Go one binge eating again to cope with my stress, anxiety, depression and other things that upset me and push out of my comfort zone" is what I will never do;

"Again," which means that this decision is based on my past experience.


And I feel the discomfort. That is my Beast, frightened of me, horrified at what I am planning, because I won't feed him with my power any longer, won't let suck out my positive emotions and self-respect.

No new problems caused by overeating:

-no extra weight,
-no sense of guilt,
-no high blood sugar,
-no sore stomach and me bloating all day long and feeling like I am having "sugar hangover",
-no my pancreas screaming bloody murder "Why again???"
-no ruined self-respect;
- no depression caused my high intake of blood sugar following by its drop, etc.
- no more money wasted on junk food (It’s crazy, but I believe that fresh berries and a lot of other useful things are expensive for me but I am flushing with money when it comes to my "comfort food" because my Beast wines and whimpers and goes wild about that);
- no more disguising my fears and anxiety with it.


I will face it and find productive and efficient way to cope with it.
And I will achieve whatever I hope for.

I feel the hope. My hopes are not an illusion, a false hope, or a pink cloud.
Those feelings am I.

I trust those feelings of hope.




And I do trust that I will always be able to recognize an inner longing to go on eating binge as my deadly enemy.

I AM willing to let my "old friend" suffer and die.

Here's my hands, which are necessary to buy and consume all this junk food.
I fully understand that they are under my complete control at all times.

My Beast has no power over me; it is a quadriplegic which must appeal to me in order to convince me buy junk food or mindlessly stuff myself with food
I wiggle my index finger.

(I actually had a break here for a few hours because I had some business to attend to, but once I got home, I got back to this - because it's important!).

And now I challenge my Beast to do the same.

And I ask myself, "How bad (depressed, anxious, bored, angry, etc.) am I willing to get and still not go on binge eating to cope with my stress, anxiety, depression and other things that upset me and push out of my comfort zone"?

- "As bad as I only can feel. As anxious as I can be anxious because then I can cope with it instead of running from it. I can get to the root of the problem that stands behind exciete and eliminate it. And no addiction can help to solve this problem. Addiction is a problem itself.

Commotion in my head? Surely it's in full swing:

"Aha, been there, done that. Every time the same tale -“ never again”. Come on, everyone eats sweets, good girls do it, there's nothing wrong with it".
Yest, I am threatening my Beast with death, with a painful tantalizing death without food, because its food is my fear, my anxiety, my belif that I can't cope with stress without cookies and junk food.

And, oh, "good girl" business. Good girls are pictured in movies and books as crying over spilt milk and relationships, and hell lot of other stuff. And their eat sweets, and cakes, and candies, and ice-cream - its their "approved" way to cope with tears and pain. I am sick and tired of being THAT good girl. I will tell her to f&&k off me and let me live my life.

Yeah, I will borrow what's been said by Freshstart for Jeni - I will be BADASS.
This Beast is not me! I will survive and live, and live better, and live great.

AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND!

The next step will be to describe what kind of a person I am when I am not listening to it, but follow my own pursue instead.

I will write it in another post, this one is quite long by far.

Thank you all, who's started reading this. And hats off to those who by some chance managed to make it to the end).

See you later.

Best wishes.


MidnightBlue (AKA Badass-Midnight)