ScottFromWI

This is true. And if you do truly want to be serious about it Five, you need to realize that the window is always open. You need to make the decision to climb through. There is also a time when the window closes for good....and we never know when that might be. Could have been on your drunk drive home the other night - or the next one, you really don't know until it happens.

Dee74

I agree you can open the window anytime you like - but I think you need to pick a team to get anywhere Five.

D

dwtbd

Mussolini for a moment. That can be the extent of the “ militarism” you gleaned from GT’s comments. Garner all your personal dictatorial power and proclaim to the sovereign nation of You the dictum “ I will never drink again and I will not change my mind”. Then just abdicate , and live in the pledge.
Sans the melodrama and hyperbole, that’s you opening the window , that’s how the window is opened for everybody. Windows don’t come around , you have to make them , waiting for them is planning to drink more.
What is your plan for future alcohol use ?
Rootin for ya

Obladi

I feel for ya, Five. I was there somewhere around eight or nine years ago. Knowing that my drinking was "bad," it was not jiving with the impression I had of Who I Really Am. It felt dangerous and exhilarating. It was still sort of ok as long as I didn't get "caught" being completely Not Me due to inebriation. Come to think of it, that part followed where you are right now. And then it got worse. So much worse you can't even imagine and I wouldn't want you to experience it yourself. It feels like I'm telling a campfire story right now, but there is no flashlight under my chin and it's broad daylight and I'm just... relating to you in a powerful way.

I waited and waited for "something to happen" to jettison me out of this mess. Meantime, things just got worse. It's like I was a runaway train and I literally did not realize I was the only one who could stop it. "Where's the conductor, dammit??"

I don't know how to convince you to jump through the window with all of your might. You know that's what you need to do, but neither of us know what it's going to take to do that. I can, however, say that militant tactics were not effective for me, given that the enemy was me. I could surrender to my boozy self at any time because that was my prerogative. But what I ended up doing was making the same binary choice (or is it non-binary?) - I never drink now.

You can make the same choice. All it takes is the willingness to learn to live through the boredom and other negative feelings without drinking, no matter what. Sounds so simple, right? It is, but it was very hard for me. The good news is that I lived to tell the tale and am much more ok with myself than I have ever been. It took more than not drinking, for sure, but that was the start, the foundation.

I believe in you, Five

O

FiveTries

Thanks for the posts everyone. I appreciate the insights so much.

The post above was really impactful. Especially the idea of getting caught being completely Not Me. That is a feeling I have had for years, this fear of someone noticing. I keep getting invited back to places, so I convince myself everything must be ok. The thing is I don't want to live a dangerous and exhilarating life anymore. I just want to be happy with a normal life, at least I think I do up until normality is actually the rule.

Sorry I haven't checked in for a bit but I do plan on coming back.

FiveTries

Looks like I am going to make it through this weekend sober! I told myself I would, but it got much harder than I thought.

I had my kids since friday and my wife was out of town. We watched movies and cleaned and cooked. That voice was talking almost the whole time.

Just have a couple beers it says. You worked hard all week and weekend. Plus theres nothing left to do. Take a break.

Today was the worst though. A nice day outside. I am tired, restless, and bored. I ate a bunch and had ice cream. So it's time to hide out in my room and rest.

My mind sounds like the bird exhibit at the zoo. Chirping nonstop.

I'm not moving though.

Dee74

Good for you Five - you can do this
D

FiveTries

Made it.

Watched some episodes of Hoarders and went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling crisp and refreshed. About to start drinking my water, then off to work. I have a dinner tonight with a sober friend.

Thanks for being here.

FiveTries

Today makes 5 days.

advbike

Great job Five! Really. I know how hard that was.. and you did it. Your mornings are going to get even better.

I also found it worked best for me to smash that AV when it would talk to me, in the early days, because I knew what would happen if I engaged in a dialogue with it. Get mad at it, tell it to.. you know.. eff off..

Keep up the good work Five. We are all in your corner.

ScottFromWI

This is good news indeed 5x - hope your dinner with your friend goes well and that your week gets off to a good start. It really does make things so much easier to start off your Monday when you aren't digging yourself out of a hangover/weekend mess isn't it?

FiveTries

Yes Scott it makes monday morning so much better! I got up more than an hour early, cleared my head and got ready at my own pace. Read a little here and mentally prepped myself for the day. No stress at all really.

Quite a bit different from waking up at the very last second, with no energy, like I usually do. Not wanting to do anything.

I think one thing I need to keep in mind are the less noticeable effects drinking has on me. General tiredness, bad sleep, snoring, brain fog, and body aches. I get so used to them and don't remember that alcohol is causing me problems still days after drinking.

FiveTries

So I was just sitting here reading peoples old posts and then I was reading on Obladi's thread. All of a sudden I got a major Deja Vu moment. Everything happening at that time I felt I had seen before. I realized that this always seems to happen to me when I am sober. Am I crazy? Does this happen to anyone else? It never happens to me when drinking. I was going to start a thread on it but didn't know if anyone can relate.

dwtbd

I experience that feeling often , and I think I always have, but in the more recent and piling up years it seems more frequent.
Sometimes the experience of experiencing it are very intense , but thankfully only for the moment of the experience, hope that helps , lol.

FiveTries

Thanks dwtbd.
I think I had that feeling frequently in childhood. During the party years I never noticed it, but when sober it comes back. I'm wondering if it's linked to sleep quality. I never remember dreams when drinking either.

FiveTries

Welp another boring update from me. I have 7 days sober after tonight.

Last wednesday I went out for the routine. I was sitting in a dive bar drinking, but trying not to get drunk. I succeeded in not getting too drunk. Anyhow I remember talking with my friend and this odd feeling just coming over me. Like a combination of knowing this has gotta stop and being okay with it. Recognizing that I wasn't having all that much fun anyhow. I looked around this run down bar and wondered why in the world I'd want to spend time there. Overpriced trash food and drinks and people I should probably be avoiding.

So I didn't plan to not drink after that I just stopped. Had a hangover on Thursday, and the weekend flew by. I thought about drinking a lot but I couldn't do it. I can't make any promises that I am done for good. After 7 days I have been having great sleep, better workouts, and a clear mind. The downsides are I am very tired, days are dragging, and life is one continuous list of responsibilities.

I am managing. Not complaining either. I look forward to this weekend, it's a holiday 3 day weekend and I plan on staying sober.

Dee74

Congrats on the week - its a good start

Noone would ever stay sober if they felt they lost out on the deal;. But you have to give it a decent chance too.
I guarantee the downsides will fade or change and you won't see them as downsides anymore.

D

advbike

Great job, Five. Wait a month and you'll be impressed, a year and you'll be amazed. Life wasn't really meant to be one party after another - a calm life has long periods of routine, filled with simple tasks and simple pleasures. But there can be joy in those things. I was always chasing one adventure after another too and looking back much of it was just chaos, and anxiety. Hope you stay with it.

GerandTwine

FT,

Being successful in your career, you must know something about contracts. OF COURSE you CAN make a (solitary) promise that are done for good. You toyed with the idea here early on, and then discarded it. Now you are saying you are incompetent in that regard? I, for one, do not believe you.

GT

dwtbd

+1