Obladi

Whelp, there you go and there you be, as a very dear friend of mine is fond of saying.

You're right - it's a problem. In the earliest days when I started to realize drinking was a problem, I also loved it a lot. It was just so... satisfying? comforting? Comfortable, maybe. But I knew it was a problem, or at least one in the making. If I'd known then what I know now... you know the rest.

So of course it's your choice here. All options are open. You can keep having fun with some discomfort until it slowly slowly devolves into a nightmare. Or. You could go on the blind faith that things will get worse than you imagine and decide to get off the merry-go-round now. It's perfectly understandable that you dont want to stop - that's pretty much how this thing works. That's why it's called addiction.

O

Dee74

If its a love hate relationship with me personally, take a number, and a sandwich Five - it's a long queue

If we're talking about a love hate relationship with drinking tho, I know about that.

No one can convince you to stop until you decide to stop, but I used to sit in my recliner look out the window, daydreaming of a day when my life would be alcohol free - but I'd still buy booze and drink it, all day everyday.

I kidded myself lots of times that life was good - but if it was really that good why did I have to keep drinking to unconsciousness every night? why did I hate myself so much? was this reward... or punishment? was this good times, or some kind of hell?

The truth was I drank good bad or indifferent.
I drank away 2 decades of my life.

The bulk of the last 2 decades since then have been redemptive

I used to daydream about being sober because I knew I could do better with my life - I could be better.
I'm eternally grateful I gave myself the chance to be better because I'd probably be dead now otherwise.

D

GerandTwine

Hi FX,

Here’s from your first post upon your return here half a year ago.



Well, I don’t know where there’s a better place to figure it out than here on SR.

But...

It sounds like you’ve figured out a way to successfully keep drinking instead.



I wish the best for you.

GT

dwtbd

Yeah three drinks was a great level of buzz, sociable , lovable , just basically perfectly bubbly and light. Still not at all satisfying.
"more would be this fantastic , heck more fantastic" that was the voice that I listened to get to blackout , and I didn't mind the ride at all, hell it turned into a hobby , damn the sociability , the love-ability, and the comfort of the children.
Three drinks is harder than none, and none is better for living, for me.

FiveTries

Yes I was feeling fantastic, or so I thought.
The merry-go-round keeps spinning.

I noticed how quickly the addiction catches up with me now. It's about two days sober before the ghosts start floating around in my head.

I am gonna try to get back here. Try to stay clear headed. Try to hide away. I don't know how I can hide from myself but I need to try. It just seems like there's one event after another, and every single one has alcohol. Sigh.

I am still being ambivalent about this. I know what I said in the past, but that same guy who was so sure he was gonna be sober for good vanishes. It's all so emotional and I am the worst when it comes to emotion. I just want to go through life, handle my responsibilities, have fun, and not deal with any emotions. It sure seems impossible.

I am not drinking today though! No way no how.

Obladi

It all starts with today.
You don't have to worry about being "sober for good."
Today will do.
And it will do tomorrow as well.

But yeah, I never heard of life without emotion.
Except for in the case of being in a vegetative state which doesn't found at all fun to me.

advbike

I get where you're at Five. Able to drink somewhat moderately, keeping things kinda under control. Still enjoying the buzz when you can. I was the same, for decades. When I look back though, I see an intelligent and very highly respected guy who slowly caved under the pressure of a mounting addiction until he lost out on most of the opportunities that had been earned or offered to him. All that potential - wasted.

I first started seriously trying to quit at 40 when I was a rising corporate star - promotions every other year, big raises, running a very large organization (600+ people) within a Fortune 50 corporation. Completed my Masters at 43. Unfortunately, I couldn't break free of my addiction, and the stress mounted, so I bailed out a few years later. Did some other stuff for awhile (land development) and truthfully I made some good money at it but it was mostly luck. Eventually I took another, lower level corporate job with less stress. It took me until I was 57 to gain serious sobriety, after I finally quit that one too. The truth was I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. Too much fear and anxiety, stopped taking risks, needed alcohol to cope. And then after 3 years I went back to drinking because I was so consumed with my failures, and stuck in yet another co-dependent relationship.

When you're in your addiction, nothing else gets resolved, it all just gets worse. Behavioral and emotional disorders, anxiety, all of it. Sometimes fast, sometimes slowly. For me it was very slow, there were no crash and burn disasters, but the years kept going by and the opportunities faded. The whole time I mostly thought I was controlling it, but it was controlling me. It's a shame, really, to look back and see all that was lost.

I hope you can pull free before you do the same, Five. It would be worth it.

FiveTries

Obladi I don't think that I can worry about staying sober for good right now. I thought for sure I was going out for wednesday night cocktails tonight, honestly. At the last second I decided to paint my fence instead. I got seventy-five percent of the fence done in a few hours. So I have to take my kids to the dentist tomorrow and on friday I will complete the fence. On the weekend I am going to work on organizing my garage and shed. I seem to go back and forth between my alcohol addiction and the gym, so trying to break that cycle. I am still on a break from heavy workouts after Covid anyway.

I was laughing about that vegetative state comment. That definitely does not sound good. I don't mind the happy emotions anyhow, just the fear, anxiety, anger, and the like.

Advbike I seem to be right on track with what you described. It's scary. Sometimes I wonder if the booze helped me to get success or hindered me. It's hard to tell. The long term outlook is bleak with booze in the picture, I know that.

Finishing up day 3 feels good.

Dee74

It gets easier to tell the further you get from the eye of the storm.

With perspective I can see I've done more in nearly 15 years sober than I did in the nearly thirty years before that, wasted
No lie.

D

advbike

Five, I have said many times that alcohol worked for me in the beginning - it helped me be more social, and make friends, in my late teens and twenties mostly. I had an absentee alcoholic father and came out of high school really shy and clueless about girls, lol. Used weed mostly then booze at age 21, and despite drinking too much, I gained confidence, at work and with women. Built a career in IT, but by the time I was 32 I had high liver enzymes from drinking every night. Then stuff started happening - some crazy stuff at a IT convention, and a brief affair with a co-worker. I had a reputation as a party animal. That shook me and I quit drinking for two years while I was married, but quitting the booze didn't help my other issues, except I got promoted at work. So the marriage fell apart and I picked up again. I managed to moderate for several more years as my career continued full bore, but as I said, by 40 I knew I had a problem. Anxiety was getting really bad, and I was taking risks in other areas of my life - burning the candle at both ends. At that point it was almost impossible to quit due to the work and social pressure, entertaining clients, travel, etc..So, it worked for me until it didn't, Five. Then it was downhill pretty fast, lol.

FiveTries

15 years what a long time. That is incredible. Obviously I can't imagine. When I was talking about the love hate relationship I just meant that I don't like hearing advice that I know is so true. I want to be able to BS myself still. But I do love it at the same time. You have quite a knack for delivering the right message. Thanks for that.

I am still going. Today is quite stressful but it's surely the same old stuff most of us have to deal with from time to time. Anticipations and let downs, chaos and peace. I am happy to be done working for the day and almost to week end. In a few I get to go to the gym and relax for a bit, and then it's time to rest and do it all over again. Nothing exciting. I think the monotony plays a big part in my thinking problems, I get so bored I end up saying 'who cares?'.

I've always hated the saying, but I will keep 'doing the next right thing'. Back soon.

Dee74

I still get monotonous days but I get a lot of waking up and feeling excited by the new day kinda days too.
Never had those drinking.

D

FiveTries

I can definitely sense that change is happening. I am on day 5 only. Normally I wake up at the last second before work feeling tired and foggy. Today I woke up an hour early feeling rested and ready.

Life seems much simpler. It is easy for me to get through the work day. I am getting a lot done around the house and whatnot.

I just don't know what I'm shooting for.

GerandTwine

You are “shooting” to put down the drunken you which is like a beloved pet with incurable pain. The easiest way I know to do it is by using the laser focus of AVRT. You’ve just got to recognize any thoughts that support the future use of alcohol, or the idea that you cannot quit on your own, as NOT YOU. And refuse to act upon them. It’s a gimmick founded upon the ambivalence you are experiencing about drinking some more. Then, without breaking your stride, you can get on with life.

Being the owner of a human brain here within the universe is the most amazing and fantastic opportunity for love, action, and creativity. “Boredom” does not exist and is all Addictive Voice. And life is short between birth and death. To imagine someone would waste any part of that in a beastly state of chemically enhanced stupidity is laughably tragic to me today; even though I was once in a not too un-similar position as you now are in getting sensual pleasure out of alcohol. The appetite cycle for that pleasure is just plain WRONG and BAD.

GerandTwine

Even though your wife and children love you when you’re drinking, you don’t see them doing with alcohol what you do. And I’m sure you would not want them to join you in that chemical dependency, even as you have been setting the example.

FiveTries

That is true, I don't want my wife or children to suffer. Unfortunately for my kids, for all of us, being born seems to automatically include X amount of suffering. Some self chosen, some not.

How do I know what's better? My drunken example may very well lead them to a beautiful life of abstinence. Or not. It will be their choice either way.

FiveTries

I like the posts though GT. It seems a super militant approach to staying sober. Which I would probably need to actually pull it off.

It is interesting to me how many examples of opposites I see in my life around drinking. My parents don't drink and never have but I am a drinker. My brother has no issues with alcohol. My wife grew up in an alcoholic home, but she is a moderate drinker. My neighbors drink a lot, they have one kid that drinks one that doesn't. I know quite a few examples like that. Obviously kids have a tendency to take after their parents in lots of ways. I try to model the best I can for my kids, but of course I am not perfect. They are very well taken care of though.

I like the beloved pet example that made me laugh. It is like that. I wouldn't be able to put the pet down until I thought I absolutely had to. Which is not a good trait for staying sober, because I really don't think I have to. Plus I do still get that 'sensual pleasure' (lmao) from alcohol.

All that said, the ride is still coming to an end. I don't want to cause others suffering by drinking myself to death. It's too hard to moderate. So sobriety is all that's left.

Boredom seems to hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as I stop. My life turns into an endless stream of responsibilities. Maybe I don't have my 'Zen' in order or something.

Dee74

Change is hard - but what might seem like an endless stream of responsibilities at the start evens out once you get used to it.

I actually like responsibility now - I was a mental adolescent for way too long.

I’m behaving like I think a 54 yo man should. I like my work, and my play and I take care to balance both.

Life is good, and rich and full with lots of pleasure.

D

FiveTries

Whelp here I go and here I be.
Same status same story.

I navigated a few social situations in moderation mode. Had fun and no major trouble. I drank a bit more than I should one night and drove home, which is unacceptable. I drank way too much for cinco de mayo and got a bad hangover.

I still want to take a serious shot at staying sober for good, just waiting for my window to open up.

GerandTwine

http://hbu.h-cdn.co/assets/15/33/980...out-window.jpg

Well, it can be too early for little people.
But, for sure, it’s never too early to fly the coop of chemical dependency.