Thanks for the posts everyone. I appreciate the insights so much.
The post above was really impactful. Especially the idea of getting caught being completely Not Me. That is a feeling I have had for years, this fear of someone noticing. I keep getting invited back to places, so I convince myself everything must be ok. The thing is I don't want to live a dangerous and exhilarating life anymore. I just want to be happy with a normal life, at least I think I do up until normality is actually the rule.
Sorry I haven't checked in for a bit but I do plan on coming back.