Journal for Five
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Damn it has been a bumpy few weeks.
I honestly don't remember the details, as if it matters, but somehow I started drinking again.
Still planning to stop. I planned to stop yesterday but I went to my neighbors house later on in the evening and ended up having some beers with them.
It's not pretty when you can't get through day 1. A similar situation took place the day before.
Somehow I think I'm gonna get this thing eventually though. I'm learning.
I honestly don't remember the details, as if it matters, but somehow I started drinking again.
Still planning to stop. I planned to stop yesterday but I went to my neighbors house later on in the evening and ended up having some beers with them.
It's not pretty when you can't get through day 1. A similar situation took place the day before.
Somehow I think I'm gonna get this thing eventually though. I'm learning.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Five,
Sorry I've been silent here for a bit. I've always been somewhat computer-averse after I'm done working for the day. And now I've got this puppy that needs my attention before my workday starts... Anyhow, I've been keeping an eye on you, so please know I'm always on your side even if you can't see me.
Planning to stop = planning to continue drinking.
Stopping then starting again the same day = continuing drinking
You just need to stop; you know this.
You will get this thing eventually and you are learning. I hope your learning curve isn't as steep as mine was (is). And I really really hope that you will make the decision to quit soon so that you can start living your life free of avoidable regrets. Words cannot convey the remorse I feel over not being fully present for my kids during their teenage years, and the impact it's had on them as adults. I would hate for you (or anyone) to carry that load.
The only thing that is constant when you stop drinking for good is that you will never drink again.
Everything else continues to change.
That's when you will really be able to use what you've learned (and find out how much more there is to learn.)
O
Sorry I've been silent here for a bit. I've always been somewhat computer-averse after I'm done working for the day. And now I've got this puppy that needs my attention before my workday starts... Anyhow, I've been keeping an eye on you, so please know I'm always on your side even if you can't see me.
Planning to stop = planning to continue drinking.
Stopping then starting again the same day = continuing drinking
You just need to stop; you know this.
You will get this thing eventually and you are learning. I hope your learning curve isn't as steep as mine was (is). And I really really hope that you will make the decision to quit soon so that you can start living your life free of avoidable regrets. Words cannot convey the remorse I feel over not being fully present for my kids during their teenage years, and the impact it's had on them as adults. I would hate for you (or anyone) to carry that load.
The only thing that is constant when you stop drinking for good is that you will never drink again.
Everything else continues to change.
That's when you will really be able to use what you've learned (and find out how much more there is to learn.)
O
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
It's all the truth, O.
I do want to be fully present for my kids. I want to stay alive. This seesaw of addiction is a real nightmare. It's overwhelming to think about all of the repercussions.
I was reading through some old threads the other day and saw a post where you were talking about not connecting with your emotions, or not really knowing what people meant when they said I feel this way or that. Intellectualizing.
I had this therapist tell me years ago that intellectualizing my life was my defense mechanism. It really blew me away it made so much sense. I operate my life with some idea that if I can figure things out and understand them, I can solve the problem. It's worked really well for me in certain areas, but seems mostly useless here.
So there's all these feelings and emotions. They are building up on me. Most of my life I just dismissed them. I mean... where do you start in trying to figure that out? I guess that I had hoped to avoid those problems. Obviously that's not gonna happen either way.
I probably stopped writing here as much because I haven't read this thread in a while. Seriously, how long can I keep overanalyzing and whining about the same old stuff. There is a good therapeutic effect though. Maybe someone can relate.
It's been a long week. I'm looking forward to Friday. I'm not sure what I'm doing this weekend.
I do want to be fully present for my kids. I want to stay alive. This seesaw of addiction is a real nightmare. It's overwhelming to think about all of the repercussions.
I was reading through some old threads the other day and saw a post where you were talking about not connecting with your emotions, or not really knowing what people meant when they said I feel this way or that. Intellectualizing.
I had this therapist tell me years ago that intellectualizing my life was my defense mechanism. It really blew me away it made so much sense. I operate my life with some idea that if I can figure things out and understand them, I can solve the problem. It's worked really well for me in certain areas, but seems mostly useless here.
So there's all these feelings and emotions. They are building up on me. Most of my life I just dismissed them. I mean... where do you start in trying to figure that out? I guess that I had hoped to avoid those problems. Obviously that's not gonna happen either way.
I probably stopped writing here as much because I haven't read this thread in a while. Seriously, how long can I keep overanalyzing and whining about the same old stuff. There is a good therapeutic effect though. Maybe someone can relate.
It's been a long week. I'm looking forward to Friday. I'm not sure what I'm doing this weekend.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by FiveTries 
I had this therapist tell me years ago that intellectualizing my life was my defense mechanism. It really blew me away it made so much sense. I operate my life with some idea that if I can figure things out and understand them, I can solve the problem. It's worked really well for me in certain areas, but seems mostly useless here.
So there's all these feelings and emotions. They are building up on me. Most of my life I just dismissed them. I mean... where do you start in trying to figure that out? I guess that I had hoped to avoid those problems. Obviously that's not gonna happen either way.
I probably stopped writing here as much because I haven't read this thread in a while. Seriously, how long can I keep overanalyzing and whining about the same old stuff. There is a good therapeutic effect though. Maybe someone can relate.
So there's all these feelings and emotions. They are building up on me. Most of my life I just dismissed them. I mean... where do you start in trying to figure that out? I guess that I had hoped to avoid those problems. Obviously that's not gonna happen either way.
I probably stopped writing here as much because I haven't read this thread in a while. Seriously, how long can I keep overanalyzing and whining about the same old stuff. There is a good therapeutic effect though. Maybe someone can relate.
Relater right here.
I had a counselor tell me that intellectualization was a means of deflection while I was in rehab. By that time, I'd known that for years. Just like everything else that I had "knowledge" about, it didn't help me to know that. And so it had become part of my therapeutic shtick - "People say I over-intellectualize..." This b-person took out a medical dictionary to read me the definition of intellectualization! To say the least, I got a little bit hot over that; there's nothing like someone telling you a thing you already know. Like it's a new fact and if you just listen to the definition again, then you'll get it. What I should've said was, "I hear you - now what do I do about that?!?"
Where do you start to try to figure that out? Hell, I don't know. For me, it started with recognizing that I actually was feeling something. That there were actual physical sensations that acccompanied my thinking; things like headache, chest pain, upset stomach, clenched jaw, shakiness. I'm not sure how it works for other people, but once I paid attention to the physical sensations, I was somehow closer to the emotions. And that opened the door for me to examine what was really going on. Accepting/acknowleding the feelings rather than powering through them - that helped. Therapy helped me with all of that, reading helped, meditation helped, talking to people who understood helped. I'm saying that all in past tense, but I need to turn that back to current tense. This 'recovery' stuff is what some therapeutic folks would call working toward self-actualization. It really is work; and it really is worth it.
What did you do this weekend?
xo
O
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
It's going good here, thanks advbike!
Hope your Thanksgiving was a great one. I spent time with family and am getting some much needed rest. Spent a few hours today putting up Christmas lights.
Hope your Thanksgiving was a great one. I spent time with family and am getting some much needed rest. Spent a few hours today putting up Christmas lights.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
That's great, FIve. Glad to hear things are going well. All good here, planning to visit my brother over Christmas then off to Southeast Asia in January for a few months with my girlfriend and family there. Life is good when we're sober and the the ego isn't running the show and producing all sorts of fear and anxiety.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I drank the rest of my stash over the past few months. Finished up last night. All my drinking friends know I'm done. Family knows I'm done.
Happy new year.
I've still got that thought to try to go it alone but I'm not going to do that. I'm gonna keep posting and find a meeting to attend at least once a week.
Right now I'm in the backseat of my wife's car, we are on our way to Breckenridge for skiing tomorrow. My son is sleeping next to me and the girls are up front singing Taylor Swift songs. Supposed to get a few inches of snow so a powder day could be in store for tomorrow. That's exciting! It snowed around two feet at my house last week so I think it will be good regardless.
The goal for today is obviously stay sober. Other than that I gotta get hydrated.
Just looked up and saw my favorite view whenever I drive to the mountains. I didn't want to come up here, honestly I wanted to stay home and lay in bed doing nothing. I had a level 6 hangover this morning. No more of those for me please.
Happy new year.
I've still got that thought to try to go it alone but I'm not going to do that. I'm gonna keep posting and find a meeting to attend at least once a week.
Right now I'm in the backseat of my wife's car, we are on our way to Breckenridge for skiing tomorrow. My son is sleeping next to me and the girls are up front singing Taylor Swift songs. Supposed to get a few inches of snow so a powder day could be in store for tomorrow. That's exciting! It snowed around two feet at my house last week so I think it will be good regardless.
The goal for today is obviously stay sober. Other than that I gotta get hydrated.
Just looked up and saw my favorite view whenever I drive to the mountains. I didn't want to come up here, honestly I wanted to stay home and lay in bed doing nothing. I had a level 6 hangover this morning. No more of those for me please.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey, man.
It's good to see you back at it again.
The one trick I found to keep me sober is to Never drink Now, no matter what.
You may have heard that a time or a thousand before, but I think it bears repeating.
I'm glad you are going on this trip, sorry about your misery but you know - that's what we have to bear when we're coming out. Tomorrow, focus that misery. Use the energy to do Useful Things, to really Really pay attention to someone else.
I hope you will find an in person group you like. Try the 7am ones - lots of good recovery in them rooms. Also, when in a pinch (when in the midst of an itch?), check out AA-Intergroup. They have on line meetings pretty much any hour of the day - you can take your pick from around the States or around the world. I haven't found any that I love yet, but it's an awful good tool to have in my back pocket.
Like you asked for advice - ha, Obladi!
I'm just a little giddy - so glad you came back.
O
It's good to see you back at it again.
The one trick I found to keep me sober is to Never drink Now, no matter what.
You may have heard that a time or a thousand before, but I think it bears repeating.
I'm glad you are going on this trip, sorry about your misery but you know - that's what we have to bear when we're coming out. Tomorrow, focus that misery. Use the energy to do Useful Things, to really Really pay attention to someone else.
I hope you will find an in person group you like. Try the 7am ones - lots of good recovery in them rooms. Also, when in a pinch (when in the midst of an itch?), check out AA-Intergroup. They have on line meetings pretty much any hour of the day - you can take your pick from around the States or around the world. I haven't found any that I love yet, but it's an awful good tool to have in my back pocket.
Like you asked for advice - ha, Obladi!
I'm just a little giddy - so glad you came back.
O
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thank you so much for the warm welcome back!
I'm feeling so much better this morning. I had a good dinner and got a lot of sleep last night. We went to a restaurant and the wait was an hour. My wife had instinctively bought me a beer for the wait when she went inside to get on the list. She had to drink that one. All the adults I was with had at least 3 or 4 drinks. I had 2 cups of coke. Plus I had some rolled ice cream with the kids after dinner.
It was nice to drive back to the hotel with zero alcohol in my system. I saw cops along the way and felt happy knowing that I didn't need to fear. them. That I didn't possibly overshoot the BAC limits.
I didn't get as much water in my system as I wanted yesterday. So same goals today. Stay sober and get hydrated.
I'm feeling so much better this morning. I had a good dinner and got a lot of sleep last night. We went to a restaurant and the wait was an hour. My wife had instinctively bought me a beer for the wait when she went inside to get on the list. She had to drink that one. All the adults I was with had at least 3 or 4 drinks. I had 2 cups of coke. Plus I had some rolled ice cream with the kids after dinner.
It was nice to drive back to the hotel with zero alcohol in my system. I saw cops along the way and felt happy knowing that I didn't need to fear. them. That I didn't possibly overshoot the BAC limits.
I didn't get as much water in my system as I wanted yesterday. So same goals today. Stay sober and get hydrated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thanks Hevyn 
I gotta tell you I love reading your posts you are always so kind. My sleep does always get weird for at least a few days but after that it's great. I try to count my blessings on that. Tonight I'm at the gym sitting in a hot tub right now lol. Trying to get nice and relaxed.
The day was beautiful up snowboarding today. Clear blue skies, kids had lots of fun. It was like riding a bike. No crashes and felt pretty confident. I wasn't pushing myself too hard though. When I'm living on the edge of it it's much easier to crash and burn.
Now it's like a blizzard outside... wind, fog, snowing like crazy. I gotta drive home in this but I wouldn't be here if I was drinking... because I'd obviously be at home drinking! It's nice to have the option to do other things at night. I'm gonna go sit in the sauna and sweat for a little bit, then brave the cold.
Tomorrow is back to the grind.
I gotta tell you I love reading your posts you are always so kind. My sleep does always get weird for at least a few days but after that it's great. I try to count my blessings on that. Tonight I'm at the gym sitting in a hot tub right now lol. Trying to get nice and relaxed.
The day was beautiful up snowboarding today. Clear blue skies, kids had lots of fun. It was like riding a bike. No crashes and felt pretty confident. I wasn't pushing myself too hard though. When I'm living on the edge of it it's much easier to crash and burn.
Now it's like a blizzard outside... wind, fog, snowing like crazy. I gotta drive home in this but I wouldn't be here if I was drinking... because I'd obviously be at home drinking! It's nice to have the option to do other things at night. I'm gonna go sit in the sauna and sweat for a little bit, then brave the cold.
Tomorrow is back to the grind.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
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Today was mostly good. I feel back to normal physically. Work was somewhat stressful. I'm still out of the routine but I was well rested. The day went by very fast.
I've definitely had thoughts of drinking and obsessions tonight. I know that in the past I always have given myself permission in advance to drink. It didn't just happen. I'm working hard at not letting that door crack open at all. It's quite the mind game.
I've got over 300 threads I'm subscribed to here so I just go read some of my favorites for the instant smack in the face that I need.
I've definitely had thoughts of drinking and obsessions tonight. I know that in the past I always have given myself permission in advance to drink. It didn't just happen. I'm working hard at not letting that door crack open at all. It's quite the mind game.
I've got over 300 threads I'm subscribed to here so I just go read some of my favorites for the instant smack in the face that I need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
I know I can do this. I've built up enough of the parts now, I think. I can put them together.
I was reading this long thread where someone went through bad withdrawal symptoms. It was hard to read, emotional. I don't really suffer the same kind of withdrawals. Yet.
It's just so easy to compare myself out of this thing. To quickly forget the truth. I gotta forget the comparing, I've been in my own personal hell with drinking. I got to some pretty dark places over the past few months. It's sad.
I can't believe I've walked around low-key hating myself for all these years. Doing it to myself. Watching it happen in a way. Not wanting to exist anymore and justifying it. Too scared to talk to anyone or ask for help.
There's so much wrong with me but almost every bit of it is intertwined with the alcohol.
No more romanticising it.
No planning on drinking next year, on the trip, on the special occasion.
No minimizing.
Not even a little bit.
I was reading this long thread where someone went through bad withdrawal symptoms. It was hard to read, emotional. I don't really suffer the same kind of withdrawals. Yet.
It's just so easy to compare myself out of this thing. To quickly forget the truth. I gotta forget the comparing, I've been in my own personal hell with drinking. I got to some pretty dark places over the past few months. It's sad.
I can't believe I've walked around low-key hating myself for all these years. Doing it to myself. Watching it happen in a way. Not wanting to exist anymore and justifying it. Too scared to talk to anyone or ask for help.
There's so much wrong with me but almost every bit of it is intertwined with the alcohol.
No more romanticising it.
No planning on drinking next year, on the trip, on the special occasion.
No minimizing.
Not even a little bit.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
You can do it, Five.
Yes, we don't do ourselves any favors comparing ourselves to others- only we know how bad we really are- no matter what it looks like to others OR how others look to us.
In addition to your list of things to NOT do- add something you SHOULD do:
"Be kind to myself."
The self-hatred will fade- but treating yourself like a friend NOW will allow you to make better decisions- and giving yourself a break will decrease your desire to give up. Alcohol is poison to us- would you let your friend drink poison? I think not.
Keep going- you're doing great- it gets better and easier.
Yes, we don't do ourselves any favors comparing ourselves to others- only we know how bad we really are- no matter what it looks like to others OR how others look to us.
In addition to your list of things to NOT do- add something you SHOULD do:
"Be kind to myself."
The self-hatred will fade- but treating yourself like a friend NOW will allow you to make better decisions- and giving yourself a break will decrease your desire to give up. Alcohol is poison to us- would you let your friend drink poison? I think not.
Keep going- you're doing great- it gets better and easier.
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