Journal for Five
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Originally Posted by FiveTries 
I know I can do this. I've built up enough of the parts now, I think. I can put them together.
I was reading this long thread where someone went through bad withdrawal symptoms. It was hard to read, emotional. I don't really suffer the same kind of withdrawals. Yet.
It's just so easy to compare myself out of this thing. To quickly forget the truth. I gotta forget the comparing, I've been in my own personal hell with drinking. I got to some pretty dark places over the past few months. It's sad.
I can't believe I've walked around low-key hating myself for all these years. Doing it to myself. Watching it happen in a way. Not wanting to exist anymore and justifying it. Too scared to talk to anyone or ask for help.
There's so much wrong with me but almost every bit of it is intertwined with the alcohol.
No more romanticising it.
No planning on drinking next year, on the trip, on the special occasion.
No minimizing.
Not even a little bit.
I was reading this long thread where someone went through bad withdrawal symptoms. It was hard to read, emotional. I don't really suffer the same kind of withdrawals. Yet.
It's just so easy to compare myself out of this thing. To quickly forget the truth. I gotta forget the comparing, I've been in my own personal hell with drinking. I got to some pretty dark places over the past few months. It's sad.
I can't believe I've walked around low-key hating myself for all these years. Doing it to myself. Watching it happen in a way. Not wanting to exist anymore and justifying it. Too scared to talk to anyone or ask for help.
There's so much wrong with me but almost every bit of it is intertwined with the alcohol.
No more romanticising it.
No planning on drinking next year, on the trip, on the special occasion.
No minimizing.
Not even a little bit.
Glad you’re back, and you sound strong. No better time than January 1 to do it. A fresh start. A new life.
Happy new year, friend.
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Originally Posted by advbike
Actually, yes, I AM alcoholic.. just like those guys.
It is nice feeling like it's a new beginning.
Thanks for the welcome back.
I'm an alcoholic. And not any special kind.
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Originally Posted by Free2bme888
Wonderful. How y’a DoIn today?
Today was straightforward. Worked mostly.
I went to the dentist for a cleaning after work. It's been a long story for me with the dentist. I always had high anxiety about going and in my late teens to early twenties I just didn't go. No insurance plus fear was my excuse. That didn't end well though, so I had to get some gnarly deep cleanings...a few times. Luckily I still have all my teeth! I get gum disease pretty easy so I have to floss twice a day and brush and use a waterpik to keep it at bay.
I always start off trying to be perfect. Setting timers for flossing and brushing. Cleaning my teeth whenever I get a chance during the day. Somewhere along the way I fall off the wagon though and get inconsistent. By the time I get back to the dentist we have to have the same conversation about brushing and flossing lol. This last time I thought I had it all figured out. I was super consistent for over two months but then I lost my grip.
The problem is that I just give up. Once I know that I'm not gonna have the perfect appointment next time I lose the energy for it.
It's the same with the drinking. All or none. When I decided that I was going to drink sometime in the future, that quickly turns into, 'let's just go ahead and start drinking now then!' I mean am I really gonna not drink forever? Really?
I just want to learn how to work on these things incrementally and embrace the process. Obviously there's no taking a night off with sobriety. That's the real high stakes situation. I'm feeling confident about it though. I've definitely got my plan going.
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Forever. That idea is so big. It takes us into galaxies far far away and then some. That is an idea that I cannot fathom to be honest. Forever.
So, I take today off from drinking. Today I commit to staying sober. When I wake up tomorrow I recommit to staying sober for that day. One day at a time.
Eventually I have a few weeks and then some months and now a few years. Trying to digest "forever" has me in defeat mode. Grasping today is all I can do because today is all I have. I dont know if that works for you? I was just thinking about the way we think and sometimes it can derail us. Not that you are derailed.
Anyways.....It sounds like you are doing great. Keep doing that. Incrementally tackling one little thing at a time. Incrementally creating a new habit each day. Flossing today. Water picking today. Not drinking today. Rinse and repeat. This is the only way I tackled my challenges and will be tackling my challenges.
So, I take today off from drinking. Today I commit to staying sober. When I wake up tomorrow I recommit to staying sober for that day. One day at a time.
Eventually I have a few weeks and then some months and now a few years. Trying to digest "forever" has me in defeat mode. Grasping today is all I can do because today is all I have. I dont know if that works for you? I was just thinking about the way we think and sometimes it can derail us. Not that you are derailed.
Anyways.....It sounds like you are doing great. Keep doing that. Incrementally tackling one little thing at a time. Incrementally creating a new habit each day. Flossing today. Water picking today. Not drinking today. Rinse and repeat. This is the only way I tackled my challenges and will be tackling my challenges.
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Thanks Mizz
I don't have any issue with one day at a time. I actually like the concept a lot. Like you said, it's really all there is. Focusing on right now works for me too. I love the feeling when I can be 100% in that moment. Alcohol did that for me. Snowboarding does it for me. Hiking does it. Meditation.
Forever doesn't scare me either though. It's just something that I can't comprehend. My life doesn't go on forever, so I guess there's no reason for me to worry about it. When I start thinking about it I have some assumption that it's gonna be a long time. It seems big and overwhelming. It's a crack in the door for the AV to try to sneak through, but I see that one coming. I can still say that I'll never drink again.
I said I wouldn't drink again before, of course. I think those experiences of starting to drink again are where I found out what my reservations were. Also what my triggers are and how to counteract them. It sucks sitting there saying that you are done for good when you know in the back of your mind it's BS. I hated being that guy.
This is a different situation. I don't have any hesitancy or doubts. Someone on here used to say to arbitrarily set your confidence to 100%. I can't remember who that was but I'm there now.
I don't have any issue with one day at a time. I actually like the concept a lot. Like you said, it's really all there is. Focusing on right now works for me too. I love the feeling when I can be 100% in that moment. Alcohol did that for me. Snowboarding does it for me. Hiking does it. Meditation.
Forever doesn't scare me either though. It's just something that I can't comprehend. My life doesn't go on forever, so I guess there's no reason for me to worry about it. When I start thinking about it I have some assumption that it's gonna be a long time. It seems big and overwhelming. It's a crack in the door for the AV to try to sneak through, but I see that one coming. I can still say that I'll never drink again.
I said I wouldn't drink again before, of course. I think those experiences of starting to drink again are where I found out what my reservations were. Also what my triggers are and how to counteract them. It sucks sitting there saying that you are done for good when you know in the back of your mind it's BS. I hated being that guy.
This is a different situation. I don't have any hesitancy or doubts. Someone on here used to say to arbitrarily set your confidence to 100%. I can't remember who that was but I'm there now.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Hi Five. It's a funny one this stuff. When you know, you know. But you still don't know for sure until you hit months 3, then 4, then 5 and at that point I was like: OK, this is happening and is for the long haul. For me, I took action in the form of the self examination work suggested by AA, but maybe I was just ready. I 100% believe that anyone who keeps trying in good faith will be fine. That includes you. At coming up to 18 months I feel so much better about life it's hard to fathom. I hope you will feel the same in due course.
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Thanks VC 
Living in the moment is great when I can pull it off. No matter how far in the past I go, or how far in the future though... no more alcohol.
To Brian's point, I've been thinking about what happens once some time starts to build up. Working on my plan. That's my main goal of this early time is solidifying strategies for when the newness wears off.
Living in the moment is great when I can pull it off. No matter how far in the past I go, or how far in the future though... no more alcohol.
To Brian's point, I've been thinking about what happens once some time starts to build up. Working on my plan. That's my main goal of this early time is solidifying strategies for when the newness wears off.
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I always tell myself I'll watch shows but I rarely get to it. My kids are always popping in unannounced so there's no privacy for my watching much. By the time they go to bed I'm usually exhausted. I just go to bed at the same time.
I'm so happy it's Friday. Most weeks right now I would be outside sitting on my tailgate looking at the stars with the music playing. Probably be 3 or 4 drinks in by now at least. I'd stay up late and get horrible sleep. Probably have a decent hangover to start Saturday. Tonight I'm just having an SR binge.
When I was a kid I never just walked into my parents bedroom without warning...that would have resulted in an ass kicking. My kids are so much more loving. They like walking in just to come give me a hug. Its nice, just very different from how I grew up. When I was outside drunk they'd come out there instead. We'd talk about the stars and moon and planets. They are so inquisitive...
I don't know where my mind is at its all over the place. I just got interrupted so many times. My friend called me drunk while I was typing and then I had to get off of the phone because of the kids and wife drama. Now I feel kind of bad because I don't really want to call back tonight.
This post is messy but I'll submit it anyway I don't wanna just toss it. I can't fix it
. I told myself I'd post every night at least until I get my head on straight. There it is.
Going to bed sober!!
I'm so happy it's Friday. Most weeks right now I would be outside sitting on my tailgate looking at the stars with the music playing. Probably be 3 or 4 drinks in by now at least. I'd stay up late and get horrible sleep. Probably have a decent hangover to start Saturday. Tonight I'm just having an SR binge.
When I was a kid I never just walked into my parents bedroom without warning...that would have resulted in an ass kicking. My kids are so much more loving. They like walking in just to come give me a hug. Its nice, just very different from how I grew up. When I was outside drunk they'd come out there instead. We'd talk about the stars and moon and planets. They are so inquisitive...
I don't know where my mind is at its all over the place. I just got interrupted so many times. My friend called me drunk while I was typing and then I had to get off of the phone because of the kids and wife drama. Now I feel kind of bad because I don't really want to call back tonight.
This post is messy but I'll submit it anyway I don't wanna just toss it. I can't fix it
. I told myself I'd post every night at least until I get my head on straight. There it is.Going to bed sober!!
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My Dear Five,
What an amazing thing you are doing, making a commitment to yourself to post here... then doing it. One of the things I wrote down in my new journal is something I picked up from a DBT manual - "Practice skills until they become self-rewarding." Hopefully, you will find that to be true.
The parents' bedroom! That's how I was raised as well. I remember their room being some sort of mysterious wonder on the few occasions I was welcomed in as a child. It really struck me that you pivot right from the warning of your father's fist to how your children feel free to come to you wherever you are; and how much more loving they are. I think you are the one who is more loving here - or at the very least the one who keeps the door open to their expressions of affection. That's pretty neat, Five.
I wish I'd felt comfortable just approaching my dad with a light heart.
Your friend who was drunk will likely have had much of a recollection that you didn't call him back. Would you have? Hanging out with a drunk person is really kind of a time-suck, I think. I appreciated it when people did it for me, but for them? It must've been pretty yucky. You gotta take care of yourself first, Five. Worry about helping other drunks once you've got your own head on straight.
If you promise not to take this as if I am condescending, I'd like to say how proud I am for you. Communicating about what's going on with your insides is huge. Keep it coming, messy or not.
O
What an amazing thing you are doing, making a commitment to yourself to post here... then doing it. One of the things I wrote down in my new journal is something I picked up from a DBT manual - "Practice skills until they become self-rewarding." Hopefully, you will find that to be true.
The parents' bedroom! That's how I was raised as well. I remember their room being some sort of mysterious wonder on the few occasions I was welcomed in as a child. It really struck me that you pivot right from the warning of your father's fist to how your children feel free to come to you wherever you are; and how much more loving they are. I think you are the one who is more loving here - or at the very least the one who keeps the door open to their expressions of affection. That's pretty neat, Five.
I wish I'd felt comfortable just approaching my dad with a light heart.
Your friend who was drunk will likely have had much of a recollection that you didn't call him back. Would you have? Hanging out with a drunk person is really kind of a time-suck, I think. I appreciated it when people did it for me, but for them? It must've been pretty yucky. You gotta take care of yourself first, Five. Worry about helping other drunks once you've got your own head on straight.
If you promise not to take this as if I am condescending, I'd like to say how proud I am for you. Communicating about what's going on with your insides is huge. Keep it coming, messy or not.
O
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Five - I didn't have any trouble following your thoughts & feelings (not messy). I remember so clearly feeling that same way in early recovery. I think you did a great job of describing it.
My son always shied away from me when I was drinking. I'm glad your children don't feel that way & that they want to be near you.
I'm so thankful it's not another 'lost weekend' for us.
My son always shied away from me when I was drinking. I'm glad your children don't feel that way & that they want to be near you.
I'm so thankful it's not another 'lost weekend' for us.
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Yes, this is much better than any lost weekend.
I started my day reading your post O, and that really set me on the path of having a great day. Thank you so much! I don't usually seem to consider the stark differences between how I grew up and the experiences my children are having. They are well loved. I do try to go with the philosophy that they can't be loved too much, but sometimes they seem so spoiled. It was eye opening how I had completely missed that part though.
I was able to treat myself very kindly today. I got to spend some time with a friend. Oh, my other friend from the telephone last night... she sounded pretty plastered. I talked with her for 15 minutes, we got a few laughs in, but she was headed for a dark place that I couldn't go right then. We've been close a long time and I do worry about her drinking. The friend I met today is such a great guy and very inspirational as a father. It was nice to spend time with him. We got a workout in together and then did a kind of spa day.
I treated myself to an early dinner at my favorite Indian food restaurant. Then got a small ice cream. I'm in bed at 7.
Gonna try to find a movie.
I started my day reading your post O, and that really set me on the path of having a great day. Thank you so much! I don't usually seem to consider the stark differences between how I grew up and the experiences my children are having. They are well loved. I do try to go with the philosophy that they can't be loved too much, but sometimes they seem so spoiled. It was eye opening how I had completely missed that part though.
I was able to treat myself very kindly today. I got to spend some time with a friend. Oh, my other friend from the telephone last night... she sounded pretty plastered. I talked with her for 15 minutes, we got a few laughs in, but she was headed for a dark place that I couldn't go right then. We've been close a long time and I do worry about her drinking. The friend I met today is such a great guy and very inspirational as a father. It was nice to spend time with him. We got a workout in together and then did a kind of spa day.
I treated myself to an early dinner at my favorite Indian food restaurant. Then got a small ice cream. I'm in bed at 7.
Gonna try to find a movie.
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You sound great, Five. Love the part about your kids and agree - it is you who set the loving environment.
Love to read your insightful posts! You are very open with your thoughts and that's refreshing.
Love to read your insightful posts! You are very open with your thoughts and that's refreshing.
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A week in the bag.
It's crazy to me how long a week feels from the sober perspective right now. It feels like forever. I'm looking forward to looking back on some more significant time. Like looking back on 2022 I can't even remember where that year went. I'm not in a hurry though. There's really no point in being in a hurry anyway, is there? Time just keeps going by at the same speed. And there's no destination. I just don't want to be so close to my drinking past anymore. I don't like that person.
I've been laying in bed reading SR this morning. I started thinking about old Sundays with friends. Waking up at 8:30. Going to breakfast at 9:30 and having the first drink of the day. Planning what establishments we'd hit to do more drinking, and who's driving. Wasting tons of money. Usually ending up with me pretty intoxicated and driving at least some small distance home by 5 or 6, in order to pass out and start my week. Not my idea of adult-like behavior. I had lots of fun though, not gonna lie. What a waste of time!
My addicted mind is already trying to work on me and put these romantic images of my drinking past at the forefront. Right now it's a barely noticeable trickle out of the faucet. But I know that if it's not fixed then the next time I look up it's a huge leak and a big old repair bill. Nope. Not this time. Not now. I'm fixing that stuff and moving forward.
It's crazy to me how long a week feels from the sober perspective right now. It feels like forever. I'm looking forward to looking back on some more significant time. Like looking back on 2022 I can't even remember where that year went. I'm not in a hurry though. There's really no point in being in a hurry anyway, is there? Time just keeps going by at the same speed. And there's no destination. I just don't want to be so close to my drinking past anymore. I don't like that person.
I've been laying in bed reading SR this morning. I started thinking about old Sundays with friends. Waking up at 8:30. Going to breakfast at 9:30 and having the first drink of the day. Planning what establishments we'd hit to do more drinking, and who's driving. Wasting tons of money. Usually ending up with me pretty intoxicated and driving at least some small distance home by 5 or 6, in order to pass out and start my week. Not my idea of adult-like behavior. I had lots of fun though, not gonna lie. What a waste of time!
My addicted mind is already trying to work on me and put these romantic images of my drinking past at the forefront. Right now it's a barely noticeable trickle out of the faucet. But I know that if it's not fixed then the next time I look up it's a huge leak and a big old repair bill. Nope. Not this time. Not now. I'm fixing that stuff and moving forward.
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