My wife left me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by thomas11 
That's rough Mester, and I'm very sad to hear that. But as others have said, you are basically at a fork in the road. One goes to an early grave with the booze and the other one starts a fresh chapter in your life. Our decisions define us, and you have one to make. I hope it is the right one. Wishing you the best.
to stop. For you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear that Mester. I know she was supportive and with you during your last detox. Perhaps you need to rethink the idea that your drinking is only a "bad habit"? I know it hurts to think about it now but sobriety is your only chance to get out of this. Treat it like your life depends on it.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,615
In the same way as each alcoholic has only so many relapses in them before they leave ( this earth), perhaps an alcoholics partner has limits too.
In any case it is extremely tough living with untreated alcoholism, whether the alcoholic is dry or drinking.
Mester, this happens a lot. It is not you so much as the effects of this illness. We don't always see it because to us our ways of thinking and doing are normal, why would anyone have a problem. But I will never forget the look on my fathers face when he saw I had relapsed. Such sadness and disappointment. He never said but I know it just tore him up.
Alcohol was my solution to life. While my alcoholism was untreated I could stay sober for spells. I never really had a good spell doing that but some people do. Then something bad happens, like wife leaving, and the most natural thing to do is to turn to the old solution, the only one we know. It is different if you find a new solution.
My wife left me in 2007. She is never coming back because she died. It never occurred to me to drink because I have a new solution and drinking is no longer necessary. Instead I got on with my responsibilities, looked after the children and the people who depend on me. I could do that because I had The Power. Not my power, but The Power, who has seen me through all the low spots so far.
Whether you wife comes back or not is irrelevant to your recovery. You can recover regardless of anyone, provided you want to and are willing to do whatever it takes, and that will be more than just not drinking.
In any case it is extremely tough living with untreated alcoholism, whether the alcoholic is dry or drinking.
Mester, this happens a lot. It is not you so much as the effects of this illness. We don't always see it because to us our ways of thinking and doing are normal, why would anyone have a problem. But I will never forget the look on my fathers face when he saw I had relapsed. Such sadness and disappointment. He never said but I know it just tore him up.
Alcohol was my solution to life. While my alcoholism was untreated I could stay sober for spells. I never really had a good spell doing that but some people do. Then something bad happens, like wife leaving, and the most natural thing to do is to turn to the old solution, the only one we know. It is different if you find a new solution.
My wife left me in 2007. She is never coming back because she died. It never occurred to me to drink because I have a new solution and drinking is no longer necessary. Instead I got on with my responsibilities, looked after the children and the people who depend on me. I could do that because I had The Power. Not my power, but The Power, who has seen me through all the low spots so far.
Whether you wife comes back or not is irrelevant to your recovery. You can recover regardless of anyone, provided you want to and are willing to do whatever it takes, and that will be more than just not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,053
Hi Mester,
I'm really sorry that happened. I am glad you stopped drinking, and have contacted your doctor. Is rehab a posssibility to help you get some time under your belt, and a plan for when you come out?
Your wife may just need some time, but whether or not things work out you still want to be the best dad for your kids. You can get that sobriety back.
Do this for you.
Sending lots of love your way Mester.
❤️Delilah
I'm really sorry that happened. I am glad you stopped drinking, and have contacted your doctor. Is rehab a posssibility to help you get some time under your belt, and a plan for when you come out?
Your wife may just need some time, but whether or not things work out you still want to be the best dad for your kids. You can get that sobriety back.
Do this for you.
Sending lots of love your way Mester.
❤️Delilah
Byeredwine
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 15
Sorry that's rough
Originally Posted by Dee74
Good advice here Mester. I'm sorry for what happened but I hope you'll stay sober for yourself.
D
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 69
I've been following your posts the last several weeks. This can either be grenade that you allow to destroy things you learned from your recent sobriety, or you can use it as a stepping stone (as hard as it may be to see right now) towards a better, happier, and sober life. Make that choice. Don't beat yourself up about the drinking. You are not a failure. Just learn from this. Whatever happens between you and your wife has a much better chance of being favorable and/or genuine if you are sober. You also must do this for you and your relationship with your kids, not just for her. My prayers are with you. Start strong again with 24 hours.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by Mester
We've been together 18 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
Don't think like that. Take it one day at a time. Nobody can tell the future.
She could come back, and/or maybe this is what you needed to finally get sober for good.
Stay positive and work on your sobriety.
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Mester - obviously I don't know your wife or the specifics of your relationship. I do know that losing a loved one as a result of my drinking was the wake-up call I needed to put 100% effort into recovery. And I didn't do it because I was trying to win them back - I honestly didn't think they'd ever speak to me again - I did it because I didn't want to lose anything/anyone else in my life.
The good news for me is that the person I thought I'd lost is back in my life, but it's slow going while trust is being rebuilt. I can't say what will happen in your situation, but doing the right thing for the right reasons is your best chance. It's the best decision you could make for your family, regardless of how this plays out.
The good news for me is that the person I thought I'd lost is back in my life, but it's slow going while trust is being rebuilt. I can't say what will happen in your situation, but doing the right thing for the right reasons is your best chance. It's the best decision you could make for your family, regardless of how this plays out.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by Mester
Yes. I got sober for 4 years. Relapsed...Had 2 weeks of new sobriety. We got into an argument. She left. So I drank.
We've been together 18 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
We've been together 18 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
You had enough sense to try and stop drinking after you started up again, but apparently forgot about the original ultimatum, and kept on drinking and detoxing, as if that ultimatum had vanished, simply because your wife supported you in your first detox attempt. You recently posted that she loved you unconditionally, which means that you took that support for granted.
See this post about unconditional support -
For your wife to watch two detoxes in just as many weeks is simply one too many. Your doctor apparently agrees. I don't know what happened to that outpatient treatment you signed up for recently, but either you are not going, or 'getting help' simply isn't good enough, and you now have a very serious credibility problem with your wife.
I don't know your wife, of course, but judging from what you wrote here and elsewhere, I would wager that she doesn't want to have to deal with the uncertainty of another child/patient in the house "relapsing" all the time, and wants you to support her and the family instead, as husbands and fathers should naturally want to do.
It doesn't sound like she divorced you yet, so it's possible that you can salvage the situation, if you stop playing the role of "patient" in the family, with your wife playing the role of nurse, and adopt the role of father instead. I agree with Scott's assessment that this probably isn't just a bad habit, since it is completely clouding your views, and your judgement.
I also agree with the grenade analogy. You can either fight for yourself, and for your family, or let the grenade explode, and eventually destroy everything. I know this probably stings, but this is not "tough love" or "denial busting" on my part. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not merely victims of circumstances, and that we do have some responsibility.
If you really cannot imagine a life without your wife and family, then prove it, and fight for them. Stand up, and get that one single idiocy - drinking - completely out of your life. It may take your wife some time to trust you again, but letting her know that you are finally done with drinking, as you originally promised, and are willing to support her, would be a good start.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by Algorithm
You've received a lot of sound advice and support from others already, but no one has taken up the fact that your wife originally gave you an ultimatum -- the drinking, or the family -- and you reneged on your promise. That is, you didn't drink because she left. She left because you drank, in that order.
.
See this post about unconditional support -
For your wife to watch two detoxes in just as many weeks is simply one too many. Your doctor apparently agrees. I don't know what happened to that outpatient treatment you signed up for recently, but either you are not going, or 'getting help' simply isn't good enough, and you now have a very serious credibility problem with your wife.
I don't know your wife, of course, but judging from what you wrote here and elsewhere, I would wager that she doesn't want to have to deal with the uncertainty of another child/patient in the house "relapsing" all the time, and wants you to support her and the family instead, as husbands and fathers should naturally want to do
I also agree with the grenade analogy. You can either fight for yourself, and for your family, or let the grenade explode, and eventually destroy everything. I know this probably stings, but this is not "tough love" or "denial busting" on my part. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not merely victims of circumstances, and that we do have some responsibility.
If you really cannot imagine a life without your wife and family, then prove it, and fight for them. Stand up, and get that one single idiocy - drinking - completely out of your life. It may take your wife some time to trust you again, but letting her know that you are finally done with drinking, as you originally promised, and are willing to support her, would be a good start.
.
See this post about unconditional support -
For your wife to watch two detoxes in just as many weeks is simply one too many. Your doctor apparently agrees. I don't know what happened to that outpatient treatment you signed up for recently, but either you are not going, or 'getting help' simply isn't good enough, and you now have a very serious credibility problem with your wife.
I don't know your wife, of course, but judging from what you wrote here and elsewhere, I would wager that she doesn't want to have to deal with the uncertainty of another child/patient in the house "relapsing" all the time, and wants you to support her and the family instead, as husbands and fathers should naturally want to do
I also agree with the grenade analogy. You can either fight for yourself, and for your family, or let the grenade explode, and eventually destroy everything. I know this probably stings, but this is not "tough love" or "denial busting" on my part. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not merely victims of circumstances, and that we do have some responsibility.
If you really cannot imagine a life without your wife and family, then prove it, and fight for them. Stand up, and get that one single idiocy - drinking - completely out of your life. It may take your wife some time to trust you again, but letting her know that you are finally done with drinking, as you originally promised, and are willing to support her, would be a good start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 10
Really sorry to hear she left. I know exactly what you're going through as it's happened to me personally. Just know that this is an opportunity the universe is giving you to focus on YOU and make YOU the strongest and best representation of yourself that YOU can be.
Here if you need to talk, just drop a PM
Here if you need to talk, just drop a PM
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,615
It occurs to me there could be a valuable lesson in all this, and a pointer to the way out. Algorithm didn't pull any punches. He is basically saying you have a really good reason for stopping drinking so pull your socks up and do it.
Alcoholics of my type fought like hell to be in that class. We liked to think we could stop any time we liked, especially if we had a good enough reason. We tried every way possible to prove we fitted the AA idea of the hard drinker, someone who could stop or moderate on their own power if they had a good enough reason and you have one of the best reasons there is.
This is the baffling thing about alcoholism as I know it, the total inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the wish. I really wanted to be a hard drinker, like some of my friends, but I lacked the control. I am glad I didn't get my wish because most of them died in their fifties from things like heart disease caused by drinking too much. Some stopped, some moderated, none lost control.
The first thing in fixing any problem it's to clearly understand what it is. You can either do what Algorythm suggests and sort it, or you can't. There is a different solution for either position, but there is a solution.
Alcoholics of my type fought like hell to be in that class. We liked to think we could stop any time we liked, especially if we had a good enough reason. We tried every way possible to prove we fitted the AA idea of the hard drinker, someone who could stop or moderate on their own power if they had a good enough reason and you have one of the best reasons there is.
This is the baffling thing about alcoholism as I know it, the total inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the wish. I really wanted to be a hard drinker, like some of my friends, but I lacked the control. I am glad I didn't get my wish because most of them died in their fifties from things like heart disease caused by drinking too much. Some stopped, some moderated, none lost control.
The first thing in fixing any problem it's to clearly understand what it is. You can either do what Algorythm suggests and sort it, or you can't. There is a different solution for either position, but there is a solution.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,454
Algorhithm did nail it--I also had to choose family & job or drink,
but the most important person to maintaining my sobriety was me all along.
Nobody poured the alcohol down my throat when I relapsed but me and my excuses.
By the same token, I have stayed sober and in recovery myself,
and frankly it wouldn't matter if my spouse was or wasn't in my life.
It's about me and my choices around drinking.
Trust can be rebuilt, but it will take time and more importantly actions
that continue over time.
You can do this if you accept where you are--you've got an addiction, not a bad habit-- and put 110 % into dealing with it.
but the most important person to maintaining my sobriety was me all along.
Nobody poured the alcohol down my throat when I relapsed but me and my excuses.
By the same token, I have stayed sober and in recovery myself,
and frankly it wouldn't matter if my spouse was or wasn't in my life.
It's about me and my choices around drinking.
Trust can be rebuilt, but it will take time and more importantly actions
that continue over time.
You can do this if you accept where you are--you've got an addiction, not a bad habit-- and put 110 % into dealing with it.
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