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My wife left me

Old 01-13-2017, 05:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Steps?
My Fitbit said I got about 12,358 in yesterday. Sorry for the sarcasm but I never bought into AA. I'll go to AA mettings for the wisdom but my home group will be one that focuses more on sobriety than the steps
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Old 01-13-2017, 06:16 AM
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Haha. Well at least there's some step work going on. I think I'd go nuts with a fitbit....I'd be all OCD about the whole thing. I'm really active anyway....but it'd be kind of interesting to see how many 'steps' I do.

Well if just meetings keep you sober and happy (that latter part is the real trick) then who am I to question it. But if not, you might want to challenge why you're not bought into AA.
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Old 01-13-2017, 06:18 AM
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"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily
reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 85

The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: "If I just don't
drink, everything will be all right." Once the fog cleared for me, I
saw -- for the first time -- the mess my life had become. I had family,
work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious
ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind
because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and
pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in
resolving all of my problems. But it didn't happen overnight -- and
certainly not automatically -- with no effort on my part. I need always to
recognize God's mercy and blessings that shine through any problem
I have to face."

This was in today's daily readings in the 12 step forum. Just thought I'd share it in case you don't read over there.
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Old 01-13-2017, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
Haha. Well at least there's some step work going on. I think I'd go nuts with a fitbit....I'd be all OCD about the whole thing. I'm really active anyway....but it'd be kind of interesting to see how many 'steps' I do.

Well if just meetings keep you sober and happy (that latter part is the real trick) then who am I to question it. But if not, you might want to challenge why you're not bought into AA.
With my job I sit in my car a lot and I only get out when I get a call. Some days I get out a lot. Others not so much. On good days I have to chase them because they don't want to listen to my commands. I wear one so I know I'm moving and not being too sedentary
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Old 01-13-2017, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Mester View Post
With my job I sit in my car a lot and I only get out when I get a call. Some days I get out a lot. Others not so much. On good days I have to chase them because they don't want to listen to my commands. I wear one so I know I'm moving and not being too sedentary
Do you see how in just about every response to other's advice and support you are deflecting away from the real issue at hand Mester? I don't want to be a downer but if you look at the pattern of your drinking since you've been here on SR it's quite predictable. You have a major catastrophe and drink, feel bad about it for a couple of days, then become defensive and deflect from the real issue and drink again in a few days. You are right in the middle of that cycle again today...what are you specifically going to do to make sure you aren't drinking again this weekend?
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Old 01-13-2017, 06:54 AM
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So sorry to hear about things Mester. But I'm so impressed you've got straight back on the right track. That is really something - there's some deep strength there.

I relate to the relapse after 4 years. Did it myself. Just coming off a year of drinking on the back of that relapse.

You're a good man looking to sort things out the proper way - getting yourself back sober, giving your wife some space at this time, but not giving up on the marriage. You've got a lot of people here gunning for you.
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Old 01-13-2017, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Do you see how in just about every response to other's advice and support you are deflecting away from the real issue at hand Mester? I don't want to be a downer but if you look at the pattern of your drinking since you've been here on SR it's quite predictable. You have a major catastrophe and drink, feel bad about it for a couple of days, then become defensive and deflect from the real issue and drink again in a few days. You are right in the middle of that cycle again today...what are you specifically going to do to make sure you aren't drinking again this weekend?
Well @ScottFromWI. I know you are trying to help me, but you and I are never on the same page. To be honest, half the things you say to me I throw out the window. I'm sorry I'm not doing it the way you would. There's more than one way to skin a cat. I am in DAILY contact with my sponsor. AA is not the only way to get sober. He's shown me a couple of different ways. I've been to an outpatient meeting. It was fantastic because we didn't have to talk about all those stupid steps that I'm never going to do and, honestly, didn't do the first four years I was sober except for #1. My motivation is getting my wife back. I get my wife back, I get my kids back. If she never comes back, it's being the best Father I can be.
HALT. We're never supposed to be that, right? Well, I'm hungry because my appetite is ****. I'm angry because you made me angry. I'm lonely because my wife and kids aren't here and I'm in my house by myself. I'm tired because I haven't slept. With that said, I still haven't given in to the bottle and I've had plenty of opportunity.
And you quoting me about why I wear a fitbit and me explaining my job. I am a police officer. Excuse me for not wanting to be some 300lb, donut eating stereotype
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Old 01-13-2017, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Mester View Post
Well @ScottFromWI. I know you are trying to help me, but you and I are never on the same page. To be honest, half the things you say to me I throw out the window. I'm sorry I'm not doing it the way you would. There's more than one way to skin a cat. I am in DAILY contact with my sponsor. AA is not the only way to get sober. He's shown me a couple of different ways. I've been to an outpatient meeting. It was fantastic because we didn't have to talk about all those stupid steps that I'm never going to do and, honestly, didn't do the first four years I was sober except for #1. My motivation is getting my wife back. I get my wife back, I get my kids back. If she never comes back, it's being the best Father I can be.
HALT. We're never supposed to be that, right? Well, I'm hungry because my appetite is ****. I'm angry because you made me angry. I'm lonely because my wife and kids aren't here and I'm in my house by myself. I'm tired because I haven't slept. With that said, I still haven't given in to the bottle and I've had plenty of opportunity.
And you quoting me about why I wear a fitbit and me explaining my job. I am a police officer. Excuse me for not wanting to be some 300lb, donut eating stereotype
I think you missed my point, sorry if you misunderstood. I wish you the best of luck in whatever program you choose.
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Old 01-13-2017, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Mester View Post
My Fitbit said I got about 12,358 in yesterday. Sorry for the sarcasm but I never bought into AA. I'll go to AA mettings for the wisdom but my home group will be one that focuses more on sobriety than the steps
not sure if you're aware of this, Mester, but an AA group has a primary purpose of "carry the message", and focusing on sobriety instead of steps to achieve and maintain it doesn't make sense in that paradigm.
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Old 01-13-2017, 08:55 AM
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"didn't do the first four years I was sober except for #1. My motivation is getting my wife back."

mester, maybe, just maybe, one of the reason ya ended up drinkin again is because of just doing step one?
ive been to a few meetings and have been greatful to see people returning. 2 things ove heard as a reason for having drank again:
they worked a 1,2,3 step program.
they rested on their laurels and did it their way.
what that sets in stone for me is half measures avail us nothing, no matter what method of recovery is used.

and I truly hope you decide you change your motivation. I can understand wanting your wife back, but please do it for you.
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Old 01-13-2017, 09:10 AM
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Mester, the Steps are specifically designed for removal of some of these problems. Maybe give it a try, what's the worst that could happen?

Your anger, resentments and fear are coming through loud and clear to me; I can imagine your wife and kids have had to deal with these issues too. As a woman, that kind of behavior from a spouse is frightening - especially from a man who uses firearms in his job. I can imagine she has learned from past experience that when you are drinking it is worse.

I've left two men because of anger and resentment and entitlement (control) issues on their parts. I'm glad I did. I was afraid of them. I think she did the right thing removing the kids from this atmosphere.

The Steps are free and will set you free. I don't go to AA, but I do see the value and the psychological soundness of the Steps.

Something needs to change beyond just not drinking.
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Old 01-13-2017, 09:25 AM
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There are a lot of people pushing the steps here and, as someone who spent a grand total of about 6 minutes reading the steps before rejecting them as not a good fit for me, I'll just put this out there. The steps are one method of getting and staying sober, but they aren't the only method. For me, for many reasons, but mostly just instinctually, I recognized they weren't the right way. But I also recognized that I needed more than to just "quit drinking" if long-term sobriety would be successful. I'm now at 13 months so I'm certainly not long-term, but I'm getting there. In rejecting the steps, I did recognize that a comprehensive program needed to be in place. So I wrote my own. It includes a fitbit (10,000 steps per day, at least 5 days per week), meditation, journaling, a discussion of triggers, support for and from my spouse, and lots of other stuff. It's detailed. Mester, you've had a whole lot of sobriety and a bit of relapse, so perhaps something along the lines of what I've done will work for you too. Good luck. No matter how you read all of these posts, everyone here is supportive of you and wants you to succeed.
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Old 01-13-2017, 09:39 AM
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Not everyone works the steps to get sober. I'm a firm believer in 'whatever works, works' for anyone in recovery. For me personally, I was in & out of the AA basements for YEARS without working the steps. I'd always had a chip on my shoulder in regards to the program, and didn't really want to go 'too deep' into it. But I also kept relapsing...and I also knew that in order for sobriety to stick, I had to do something different this time. So I'm finally working the steps.

I'm not saying you should work the steps. You may find peace of mind and the support system you need in the AA rooms. The only advice I'd offer is to do something *different* than you've done in the past. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Thoughts are with you, Mester. I know this is a tough time.
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Old 01-13-2017, 11:26 AM
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If your post didn't help Mester it helped me soberandhonest. Yours are exactly the "steps" I'm taking. AA just does not fit for me, and that's OK, there are lots of ways to take a step in the right direction, with my spiritual heart intact.

My best wishes Mester.
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Old 01-13-2017, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Mester View Post
I've been to an outpatient meeting. It was fantastic because we didn't have to talk about all those stupid steps that I'm never going to do and, honestly, didn't do the first four years I was sober except for #1.
I can understand the reluctance there, Mester. My understanding of taking AA's Step 1 is this: "We conceded to our innermost selves we are powerless over alcohol, that is, we are alcoholics."

By AA's own definition of an alcoholic, an alcoholic, at certain times, has no effective mental defense against the first drink. They go on to say that except in a few rare cases, no human being can provide such a defense.

I always though that it was rather nice of the founders of AA to admit in the Big Book, in writing, that it is indeed possible for alcoholics to raise such a mental defense, even if they do say that it is rare.

I don't believe in the whole "take what you like, and leave the rest" idea, though. It sounds nice, but taking Step 1, and leaving the rest, is essentially saying "I am powerless over the desire to drink alcohol", which on its own does not really help.

It's kind of like taking AVRT's central message -- "there is no help for you, you are on your own" -- and leaving the rest. The rest, of course, being that you don't need any help removing desire, because your desire to swallow alcohol cannot fulfill itself on its own, and is therefore powerless before you.

Originally Posted by Mester View Post
I am a police officer.
That's interesting. You are probably held to a higher standard of conduct than your average citizen, since your job is to enforce laws and to protect the public.
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Old 01-13-2017, 12:11 PM
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I don't think alcohol is all that discerning when it comes to career choice Algorithm. I think police officers, ambulance drivers, etc. have a high incidence of alcohol abuse due to the stress involved in protecting the public, and maybe further support is needed in terms of (perhaps) PTSD, etc.

Maybe Mester, the Police Dept would have a counselling service?
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Old 01-13-2017, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by soberandhonest View Post
There are a lot of people pushing the steps here.
In context, we are explaining that AA is the steps. No where in AA literature will you find the claim that meetings bring about lasting sobriety. I have seen plenty of people try and the result is not something I would find attractive.

At one time I was in yours me mesters camp. I rejected the steps needed I don't recall even giving them the serious consideration you did. I didn't like the God bit was my excuse, but the truth was I didn't like the honesty, the levelling of my pride, that the process seemed to require.

In the group of ten in my rehab, two went to AA. They swallowed the steps bs, and are still sober today, 38 years later. I joined the other seven who knew better. We were all drunk in a short time, several of us relapsing together. A year later I was the only one still alive. I went back to AA with a different attitude and have been sober ever since .

An AA sponsors job is to take you through the AA program, the steps. If you have found a sponsor that has other alternatives, you are relying on someone who is less than honest, and you will be getting the amazing benefit of one unqualified persons opinions, as opposed to the experience of thousands.

The AA book tells us that if you think you have a better way, we should encourage you to follow your conscience, so go for it by all means. We will still be here if you ever need us, and you will be warmly welcomed.
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Old 01-13-2017, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
I don't think alcohol is all that discerning when it comes to career choice Algorithm.
Alcohol itself is just a liquid, but people in certain positions cannot afford to be addicted to that liquid, without additional risks, to themselves, and to others. They must hold themselves to higher standards, or others will probably do it for them.
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Old 01-13-2017, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Algorithm View Post
people in certain positions cannot afford to be addicted to that liquid, without additional risks, to themselves, and to others. .
Yet they still are. And holding them to a higher standard really doensn't matter - they are still addicts and addiction really dosen't care what you do - as long as you drink.
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Old 01-13-2017, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Algorithm View Post
That's interesting. You are probably held to a higher standard of conduct than your average citizen, since your job is to enforce laws and to protect the public.
We are held to a higher standard. I NEVER drank on the 6 days I worked. It would it cost me too much. I NEVER drove when I was drinking either. I have my own personal Portable Breath Test. If it was ever over 0.0 I never got behind the wheel. I'd be fired immediately if they found out as we have a zero tolerance policy
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