My wife left me
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 507
I don't know your wife, of course, but judging from what you wrote here and elsewhere, I would wager that she doesn't want to have to deal with the uncertainty of another child/patient in the house "relapsing" all the time, and wants you to support her and the family instead, as husbands and fathers should naturally want to do.
It doesn't sound like she divorced you yet, so it's possible that you can salvage the situation, if you stop playing the role of "patient" in the family, with your wife playing the role of nurse, and adopt the role of father instead. I agree with Scott's assessment that this probably isn't just a bad habit, since it is completely clouding your views, and your judgement.
I also agree with the grenade analogy. You can either fight for yourself, and for your family, or let the grenade explode, and eventually destroy everything. I know this probably stings, but this is not "tough love" or "denial busting" on my part. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not merely victims of circumstances, and that we do have some responsibility.
If you really cannot imagine a life without your wife and family, then prove it, and fight for them. Stand up, and get that one single idiocy - drinking - completely out of your life. It may take your wife some time to trust you again, but letting her know that you are finally done with drinking, as you originally promised, and are willing to support her, would be a good start.
Quote from algorithm
I am a wife who left after many years of marriage and him saying he did not have a problem.
At times he hid it pretty well, and I wanted to believe him. When I got ready to leave, he said he would quit- without AA and without throwing out the booze. He wanted to save it for entertaining guests, he said. yea right.
It has been a long time since my AH has supported me, been dependable, been an adult. You are right- I played the nurse. I researched alcoholism and I did not want to deal with relapses or the rest of it. I had been in too much pain for too long and I was fed up.
I did hold out a little hope after I left. If I had been treated with kindness, respect, love , and understanding, I would have returned to counselling with him. But I guess if you have just quit drinking, it is hard to summon up those qualities. So maybe I was expecting way too much.
But I want a good relationship now and being in that marriage was damaging for me. I am much happier and have peace now.
It doesn't sound like she divorced you yet, so it's possible that you can salvage the situation, if you stop playing the role of "patient" in the family, with your wife playing the role of nurse, and adopt the role of father instead. I agree with Scott's assessment that this probably isn't just a bad habit, since it is completely clouding your views, and your judgement.
I also agree with the grenade analogy. You can either fight for yourself, and for your family, or let the grenade explode, and eventually destroy everything. I know this probably stings, but this is not "tough love" or "denial busting" on my part. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not merely victims of circumstances, and that we do have some responsibility.
If you really cannot imagine a life without your wife and family, then prove it, and fight for them. Stand up, and get that one single idiocy - drinking - completely out of your life. It may take your wife some time to trust you again, but letting her know that you are finally done with drinking, as you originally promised, and are willing to support her, would be a good start.
Quote from algorithm
I am a wife who left after many years of marriage and him saying he did not have a problem.
At times he hid it pretty well, and I wanted to believe him. When I got ready to leave, he said he would quit- without AA and without throwing out the booze. He wanted to save it for entertaining guests, he said. yea right.
It has been a long time since my AH has supported me, been dependable, been an adult. You are right- I played the nurse. I researched alcoholism and I did not want to deal with relapses or the rest of it. I had been in too much pain for too long and I was fed up.
I did hold out a little hope after I left. If I had been treated with kindness, respect, love , and understanding, I would have returned to counselling with him. But I guess if you have just quit drinking, it is hard to summon up those qualities. So maybe I was expecting way too much.
But I want a good relationship now and being in that marriage was damaging for me. I am much happier and have peace now.
Trying to Enjoy Life Now
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Mester 
Yes. I got sober for 4 years. Relapsed. Thought I had everything under control. I didn't. Had 2 weeks of new sobriety. We got into an argument. She left. So I drank.
We've been together 18 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
We've been together 18 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.
You've had 1,460 days sober and a couple days of swing and miss. If you were a baseball and we were going by averages you would be hall of fame bound.
At the risk of repeating what has already been mentioned: don't throw gas on the fire by drinking.
You have a shoulder to lean on here, don't be afraid to use it.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by qtpi
It has been a long time since my AH has supported me, been dependable, been an adult. You are right- I played the nurse. I researched alcoholism and I did not want to deal with relapses or the rest of it. I had been in too much pain for too long and I was fed up.
Take care, and be well.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 97,596
I just hope I have lost her forever
Maybe you should focus on your recovery and give her time to herself. Show her by your behavior that you are becoming a better man.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Originally Posted by Mester
You're right. I hope I haven't lost her forever.
I'm giving her her space. Im hoping I can talk to her by the end of the week
I'm giving her her space. Im hoping I can talk to her by the end of the week
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
the day after my last drunk my (by then ex) fiancé tossed me to the curb. that's what it took for me to get out of denial and accept that alcohol was the common denominator in all my problems.
I was crushed, but wanted to do something about it- not just stop drinking, but find out why I was who I was. i did have the hope that by stopping drinking, learning about me, and changing who i was she would accept me back, but my #1 reason was for me- i hated me and everything about me. i really had to fight off the thought of doing it for her. too many times in my past i stopped drinking for people,places and things and ended up drunk again- longest i ever stayed sober before was about a month doing it that way.
i didn't want to hate me or be me any more.
i found myself at an AA meeting. got the big book and started working the program. i learned causes and conditions for who i was, learned what made me tick, and how to change. had to miracles happen:
1) the problem with alcohol was removed.
2) i stopped hating myself and started loving me.
we didn't get back together, but im ok with that. im ok with who i am today.
you will get better,mester, iffen ya do it for you.
youre not a bad man, just a sick one and there IS a solution.
I was crushed, but wanted to do something about it- not just stop drinking, but find out why I was who I was. i did have the hope that by stopping drinking, learning about me, and changing who i was she would accept me back, but my #1 reason was for me- i hated me and everything about me. i really had to fight off the thought of doing it for her. too many times in my past i stopped drinking for people,places and things and ended up drunk again- longest i ever stayed sober before was about a month doing it that way.
i didn't want to hate me or be me any more.
i found myself at an AA meeting. got the big book and started working the program. i learned causes and conditions for who i was, learned what made me tick, and how to change. had to miracles happen:
1) the problem with alcohol was removed.
2) i stopped hating myself and started loving me.
we didn't get back together, but im ok with that. im ok with who i am today.
you will get better,mester, iffen ya do it for you.
youre not a bad man, just a sick one and there IS a solution.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by Algorithm
"There is an easy way and a hard way to recovery from alcoholism. The hard way is by just going to meetings." — Dr. Bob Smith
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
That sounds pretty good, Mester.
I believe Dr. Bob meant that simply going to lots of meetings and listening to lots of drunk-a-logues is probably going to make for a struggle.
I would add, remove the drink as an option entirely.
I believe Dr. Bob meant that simply going to lots of meetings and listening to lots of drunk-a-logues is probably going to make for a struggle.
I would add, remove the drink as an option entirely.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Mester
I'm not sure how to take this.How you want me to describe my plan. I have a sponsor. I'm doing outpatient as well as meetings. I'm staying active on here. When she comes back, marriage counseling. What else is there to do?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Thailand
Posts: 6,594
Originally Posted by Mester
I'm not sure how to take this.How you want me to describe my plan. I have a sponsor. I'm doing outpatient as well as meetings. I'm staying active on here. When she comes back, marriage counseling. What else is there to do?
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