Gilmer

Good morning, Cow!

Lenina

dear Cow! I do the same thing in the mornings....that grasping onto the dream and seeing where I can take it or it take me. Its part of the sleep disorder I have, it's called Epic Dreaming. Vivid, intense and very long. I also enjoy decoding the symbolism. I really like iconography, especially the religious ones.

AO, I studied the Tarot many years ago, I love the iconography of the Rider Deck Major Arcana. It's interesting to me the myths and legends of humans and how similar they all are.

I've been following a series in the Daily Mail (yes, I know, I know, it's a right wing rag and full of nonsense but I can't help myself...don't judge me) The series is about a new book by a neurosurgeon who died and was revived. I'll post a link here to the third part. It's interesting to me. Dr Eben Alexander has lost his scepticism about the after-life* | Daily Mail Online

A friend of mine had a near death experience at 23. She died from an ovarian cyst that ruptured. Was dead on the table for over 30 minutes. She tells a story of floatin up, watching with disinterest her body being working on. her first thought was "I'm glad to be shed of THAT" and then soared through colors and light, warm and safe, feeling love and giving love. She was told she had to go back. She said no. A voice told her she must return, and she said no way. I will only go back if someone makes me". boom. Icy cold, in great pain and as she says..."mad as hell!!"

Did it really happen or was it just the brain self soothing?

Connie Willis, one of my most favorite writers, has a book titled "Passage" about a psychologist researcher of near death experiences. Its a novel, well worth reading as are all of her books. This one was special to me. Give it a look. She's a fabulous writer!

I have mixed feelings. I think there is an interconnectedness (is that a word?) in our universe. reincarnation may be genetic memories. I don't know. I've seen a ghost. I sometimes catch glimpses of something. I'm not that psychotic or delusional I don't think. certainly jetlagged, menopaused, sleep deprived, from California so...well....make your own judgements.

It's interesting to think about. I don't believe we are just mulch these days. There's more, I think.

Love from Lenina

Hawkeye13

I'm glad you are hanging in there Cow.
I agree with AO that sometimes numbness is a good thing.

My thoughts are with you today and each day.

You have a sweet soul despite the bitterness you endure.

Have Teddy give you a hug for me.

Gilmer

How was Maggie today, Cow?

How are you holding up?

All day I have been attempting to cajole my four-month-old grandson. He's in a rather ill humor.

Cow

Hey Glimmer and Hawk and all. I not seeing Maggie today or next couple day. Can't. Just can't. Is like viewing torture. I afraid it gonna break me. And plus also, I has to stay home and drink. As Metallica say, "Sad but true." I down in the hole again. Here is what I write about it:

THE CHEMIST
So, we has all talk about how I has to find my alcohol/caffeine-free “baseline” and I does agree. But since I already in relapse, I take this opportunity to go, okay, but where is you now? What you “addict baseline” right now? So for week or so, I let self go and ingest what I compel to ingest. Result can best be describe thusly:

Say is two measure cups on counter. These is measure cups you has always use to make classic recipe call “I Feel Good for Even One Freaking Moment Pie.” And one cup say “alcohol” and one say “caffeine.” So, first thing in morning, I head out and get lot of both ingredient. Cuz this recipe very tricksy and you has to have exact balance of each ingredient. One can spend entire day titrating –little more booze, little more caffeine, little more booze, little more caffeine, etc., etc. But these two measure cups turn out to be con artist crafty and is actual NOT POSSIBLE to balance them. Yet you try day in and day out. All day long. I not even gonna say that there is not somewhat motivational feeling of “hope” during this attempt to balance, cuz you maybe get fleeting moment, here and there, of “…OMG, hang on... what this? Did brain just feel good? OMG! ...Oop, nope, it gone.” Then, is back to titrating, trying to find magic moment again. After several day of this you realize is no magic balance exist and no end of rainbow, and you just killing time and you self. However, if you anything like Cow, you go ahead and try for couple more day just to be sure. Then maybe couple more. Then it get hazy and at some point you realize you back down in the hole.

I not remember last time I go this hard. Has been almost creepy. I attend party, family dinner, Board meeting, visit with friend, see Maggie. All smashed. (Good thing I on pain med for my pancreatitis/infection and everybody know they has to drive me –that some alcoholic luck, yes?) Anyway, I can still fools everybody. Couple time I just break down crying with friends and they think I crying about Maggie, so I go with that. But I really cry because I big fat addict drunk liar who can fools them. I so sick and weak I not could even stand up at family dinner. I have to sit down between my turn at playing bean bag toss! I not hardly say word to anybody. I stare off into space wondering who these peoples is and what in hell is going on. Nobody notice.

Lately. Not can sleep. Even after booze and max dose of benzos. I just lay there. Tell myself, "Is gonna be long night, honey. Just breathe. You got a long day of substance juggling ahead of you." Yes, I deep in the groove.

Kind of shocking to see I still capable of functional living on the bottom, just like I always was. In matter of days, I quite comfortable back in the hole. Is like, Jesus God, I fight so hard, so long to climb just couple rung on that ladder and it take all of day or two to get super comfy back treading quicksand.

Is like "muscle memory" for the brain. Only good thing I can say is, like kid who eat too much Trick or Treats candy... I sick of it. Literally. Figuratively. Energetically. Medically. Psychologically. Astrologically. <Okay, that last one just for Lenina and AO.

Anyways, one would think that would be sick enough to stop, tomorrow even. Yes. One would think.

trachemys

You make turtle cry again.

biminiblue

Oh, honey. Here, curl up here with me. I will make chicken soup.

I've done that titrating thing, back in the 70s with cocaine and whiskey. Ugh. Horrible time of my life.

Cow

Yes, thank you bimi, I would like very very much to curl up in somebody lap. Just for couple days. I maybe have to bring Turtle with me, cuz I keep make him cry, okay? But I bring some nice marrow bones for our soup.

biminiblue

Yeah, I was pretty sure the chicken soup would be more for me

I could brush your hair, and wash your pajamas for you. We could have steamed milk. I won't put brandy in mine, though.

I have some good movies. No one is dying in my world right at the moment.

I also have a stuffed turtle, given to me by an old boyfriend. I think it's under the bed. Trach could curl up with that.

Yay! Friends! *goes to clean bathroom*

ESD907

cow..I think we all want to crawl up on someones lap. I know I do. I am tired of being the mom. I want my mother. I want to say, take care of me...yet NO more...its all me. I've one older brother, and He'd fit the bill, but he's a pot farmer in Ne.....I mean New Mexico. And he has enough on his hands.

alphaomega

Awww Jeez buddy.
Ugh. Sigh.

Ain't not a one of us who call ourselves addicts haven't walked this same sick path. Even to the extent that you are at. The Cycle. It just keeps spinning round and round. And there is a certain "comfortabilty" in the knowing, that even in the unknowing of whether you are going to hit that magic moment or not, at least today will just be "business as usual".

That alone can keep you drinking. Because it's familiar. It's safe. Its the safest place we know in our profound state of misery. Never mind the damage it's doing, it's the best we've got for right now. And it will have to do. Desperate times. Desperate measures.

I know full well you know the extent of your actions. No need for any of us to pontificate ad nauseum. I just want you to know I understand and I stand as both witness and condemned as a fellow addict.

My heart shatters for the pain of the state you are in.

Because, I too, am absolutely, literally, one drink away from the exact same.

(((Cow)))

biminiblue

so much this that it hurts.

today I spent an hour at the beach, ten minutes of it arguing with myself about maybe stopping for a beer on the way home. Just one. Just because I miss it. There's no more euphoria in my life.

When I read Cow's post I was at first mad. I wanted to drink too. I hate it that I can't and I want to go back there. So many years of that crazy is hard to forget. I have no family. Who the eff would even care if I drank? No one. No one would care and yet I feel if I went back I would be dead in two years. I don't want to be on my deathbed knowing I purposely took everything that had been given me and set it all on fire. I don't want to die that way. And so, that is how I made it home from the beach without a stop at the craft beer store. Tomorrow I'll have a different fight - or maybe tomorrow I won't have a fight at all. I'm still not happy about it. I just can't go back to that misery. No way. I read Cow's post and think, "NO!" I won't go back there. (Right after I rage at her for her vivid description.)

SoberComposer

Hi Cow

Do you try to control it or are you actively trying to stop?

If you are trying to stop, how many days sober are you averaging?

-SC

silentrun

Bimi
There is NOTHING good back there for you or any of us. I drank long enough to be 100% convinced of that. I know you know that...just reminding you. Anything is better than being stuck in the whirling eddy of despair and not being able to find our way out.
I'm sorry you are in relapse mode Cow. Probably the worst thing about a relapse is finding the strength to start again. I hope you find it soon Cow. How about turtle soup eh?

trachemys

OK, not coming here any more. Can't save you and save me. Best of luck, Cow.

courage2

Those of us who hang around this thread aren't a cheerful lot to start with, mostly, but we honor our own recovery, as much as we honor anything, and we honor the recoveries of one another. I hope no one gets dragged down by anything that's said on this thread.

Save yourself first. If you don't, no one else will. And you are important. I may doubt that about me, but I don't doubt that about any of you.

Cow

Was informed that Maggie die today at 10:05AM. Not feel anything right now except brick in my chest.

Total understand, Trach. Sorry I make you cry. Cow always be in you corner. See you in another life, brotha.

Hi SC, I try for long time to quit, excepting for whatever reason, I just stop trying for last week or so. However, I quickly reminded is fast hard drop right back to bottom soon as I stop trying. So I has to keep trying.

Lenina

Cow, I am truly sorry for you Maggie has passed. please, do her the honor of not using her passing as an excuse to drink/poison yourself. I know I drank behind many, many BS excuses. I know the real reason I drank, or even wanted to drink was because I was in the throes of the active disease of addiction. we addicts don't get a pass for poisoning ourselves. I know you know this.

I wish you could go some place safe be cared for until the fire of our disease calms down.

And frankly, I don't think you're fooling anyone. We can smell alcohol on the breath and out the pores. I have a colleague in active alcoholism. she's been in and out of treatment for the last 20 years, maybe longer. Her poor body and mind must be near mush. I do not know how she manages to drag herself around, I am convinced she comes to work to drink in peace. I know it's just a matter of time before she dies. And it won't be pretty.

So, please allow yourself to grieve cleanly.

love from Lenina

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Cow.
I'd like to echo Lenina tho - allow yourself to grieve, but take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like doing that right now.

Same goes for the rest of you guys - we are all much more than our addictions and hangups

D

Soberpotamus

I am so sorry for your loss, Cow. Please take care of yourself during this time. Sending you love and hugs...