walkbeformakrun

I know religion is good for some people and a source of comfort to many. However for me, the greatest gift religion and faith based living brought was in the giving up of it. It was a little like walking around on a hot humid summer day, with a heavy sweater on. Then you realize, "I've got a sweater on!" You take it off and feel such relief, such pleasantness. When I gave up religion and faith that is how I felt.

Leshar

Thank you, Cow, and RobbyRobot. Yes, I feel absolutely desperate. Waking up every day, it feels like a fresh hell, desperately hoping from an email from my sister, but I have to go on, without substances, we must keeping trying, and I will. I've worked hard to get this far, surely there must be some meaning to it all?
Sorry to hijack your thread, Cow. Please take care of yourself, thinking about you.

Cow

Personal, I not think is any meaning in suffering. But then, I not think there any meaning to life at all, excepting for whatever it mean to you. For sure, I not gonna be one of those death bed peoples who is like, "Oh my, I live such full wonderful life." At best I hoping for, "Thank god I has at least few good years." At worst, it gonna be "Well, that pretty much sucked." <Which make great tombstone.

You not hijack my thread, Leshar. I ask for you to stick around, okay? I curious how is you pass time to get through days? When I not using, and not working, everyday is pretty long slog.

Well I just take first dose of Noopept. Wishes me luck!

Hawkeye13

Wishing you luck Cow

How long is it supposed to take to dial in?
Hope you are holding the line. . .

Lenina

cow, we'll leave the light on for you at the Crone Motel.

Love from Lenina

Cow

Hey Hawk, it not a POW type nootropic, it more subtle, which good for me. So can take week or so. Also, I take super small dose to start in case it cause seizure or something. Today will be second dose and I up it to recommended dose. Only thing I can report from yesterday dose is 30 minute after ingestion I feel intense urge to cry. (However, that could just be normal morning!) Not exact reaction I looking for, but, at least it do something, stay tune...

How is you doing, Hawk?

Lenina

Cow, one of the Crone Crew is a mad bridge player. I Know you like poker, but maybe we can dye our hair blue and get some pin curls going. Im pretty sure he cheats but makes fun conversation and brings good canapés. maybe we can try that Asian game with the tiles? What's it called? Looks very confusing.

I'm not having the best of days. Had a weepy moment. There's some interesting things going on astrologically just now. I have to go do work in a little bit. Do keep us posted on the supplements.

Love from Lenina

Gilmer

Mah Jongg. It's called Mah Jongg.

silentrun

Weird! I feel out of sorts. I just had a dream that started with my mom trying talk to me and I got angry and told her to stay gone. Then I must have cheated on my husband because my daughter wasn't really his and we were never really married. To top it off I was at some party getting drunk and I had been drinking all along this past 20 months. It was like I wasn't me. All of those things are out of character.

I like the idea that you are trying these supplements Cow. It just might give you that little bump you need. Turmeric is supposedly good too. I haven't found the fresh stuff yet.

Sign me up for the Crone motel. I want to be that one who says "that's not how this works. that's not how any of this works."

Cow

CAL, I play Whist, Spades, Hearts, Cribbage - but no Bridge.

Not could take Tumeric SR, for some reason, my brain reject just about every herb I try. Is maybe too many plant phenols. I has to work up to 2 doses of Noopept per day and give couple weeks before making evaluation.

I sure we gonna has to have rules & regs for Crone Motel. And I think first one is clearly that Cow is obvious choice to be beloved and omnipotent Crone Overlord.

silentrun

I had planned on saying it at inappropriate times. Maybe wait for you to go into bathroom and knock on door or something like that.

Cow

Well, today was crap day. Total waste, void. Could has well been in coma for whole day and would not has been any different, excepting I did catch up on Homeland.

Tomorrow, I has intake appointment with new psych facility. Woo moo! (not). But I decide I gonna be total honest. TOTAL. I mean, I always honest about being addict, alcoholic, depressive, anhedonic with abuse, molestation, meth OD, eating disorder history ...but, I not always go into cutting, self harm, shoplifting, multiple post-adolescent sexual assaults, risky behaviors and other various and sundry factoids. It just seem like too damn freaking much.

Depending on what they say, I will consider in-patient, but I hoping not, cuz I really feel that just make me more depress to have to re-live yet again horrific things I already spend decades in therapy and treatment and alternative healing and contemplation to get past. And I truly feel history is no my problem anymore. Is my brain biochemisty. So all that business is like unnecessary picking at scabs and opening wounds.

I mostly just looking to talk about how to live in world as severe anhedonic without resorting to substances.

Lenina

cow, going inpatient might be the best idea. might help get a grip on the brain chemistry. I'm pretty sure mine is broken. Maybe they can work with a nutritionist and a psychopharmacology guy. I have one I used some years ago if you want his number, I think he's still in practice. let me know via PM

Of course we will need some rules and regulations, law and order and such! we are the Motely Crone Crew! It would be complete chaos if left to our own devices. I should think grooming rules will be required. No thongs at the breakfast table, certainly. That's a start.

Love from CAL

Leshar

Hello, Cow,

Good luck with noopept. And with your appointment tomorrow. I'm with you regarding your reluctance to be an in pt. I've seen it from both sides (retired psychiatrist and in pt stays. It's never pretty. But you must do whatever you think is best.
I'm also with you on your last sentence too. I get it.

Had first rtms rx today. Painful and very distressing. Don't have much faith in a good/ not so horrible outcome. 3 more days this week, all next week. I don't know if I'll manage.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

ESD907

cow...go rock that appt..I met with my intake guy yesterday. I'm going rehab soon, but I get the added plus of chemo and rehab...this guy was no bS>..he called me on every one of my 'ways.....I actually was pleased. this man knew me, more than I knew me. so, we can do it cow.. . I know I will.

courage2

Cow, good job making the appt -- I can't wait to here how it goes. I dunno about the whole open wound thing -- I'm kind of pathologically private and I'm not sure it's done me any favors. I guess it depends on how much the "infection" has spread -- sometimes there's a point where you can't cover the wounds with long sleeves any more.

Not that anyone asked, but I'm still around, thinking of you, and wishing you well. I'm busy -- did the 5th step with my AA sponsor (talk about opening wounds, and she carries a switchblade just in case her sponsees don't bleed freely), and I'm on a jag where I'm currently able to work so I need to make the most of it, before the next phase of drooling sets in.

Hugs & whatever humans do to show fond affection and goodwill, to all! -- SB

courage2

OMG I misspelled "hear". I also had an image snatched, lost 2 entire entries to the 24 Hour thread written days in advance, and lost my cell phone charger. I think something wants to do me ill before Hallowmas.

Lenina

Courage, my whole week has been a freak show of personalities and conflict. Seems everyone is on high alert. I'm heading home now for a few days. I'll check the astrology and see if there's an explanation. Its just been too weird.

Love from Lenina

silentrun

Please share what you find. I just landed after about 5 days and I didn't even get on a plane.

Cow

Just want to leave update as we at 500 post and D sure to close us out soon. Intake interview took lot out of me. Was couple hour long. Is like police interrogation. Jesus God. And that just so intake team can recommend treatment plan. Then you has to does it all again after you assign treatment team.

They always want to total zero in on sexual abuse and I has to fight like "Mr. Cow Goes to Washington" to make them understand that it not my big issue at this point. Yes, I understand was impetus of chain of disorders, but now addictions, depression, anhedonia has have 30+ year life of they own. I not even give crap about childhood anymore! I just need a way out of brain chemistry fallout I been stuck in for decades.

At end, they hand me booklet, and say, listen, you been through lot in you life, so you read this. Was booklet on "Self Compassion," cuz they not want me to blame self or beat self up. I like... uh, I not blame self, and plus nor does I beat self up! How you possible get that from what I say?!

But, I know they meaning well. Anyways, I guess I hear from them by end of week. So I has not feel like talking much cuz that talk me out.

Hope everybody get treats and not tricks for Halloween, and I see you on the other side.

Moo Mwah, Cow