Cow, I am truly sorry for you Maggie has passed. please, do her the honor of not using her passing as an excuse to drink/poison yourself. I know I drank behind many, many BS excuses. I know the real reason I drank, or even wanted to drink was because I was in the throes of the active disease of addiction. we addicts don't get a pass for poisoning ourselves. I know you know this.
I wish you could go some place safe be cared for until the fire of our disease calms down.
And frankly, I don't think you're fooling anyone. We can smell alcohol on the breath and out the pores. I have a colleague in active alcoholism. she's been in and out of treatment for the last 20 years, maybe longer. Her poor body and mind must be near mush. I do not know how she manages to drag herself around, I am convinced she comes to work to drink in peace. I know it's just a matter of time before she dies. And it won't be pretty.
So, please allow yourself to grieve cleanly.
love from Lenina