Hey Glimmer and Hawk and all. I not seeing Maggie today or next couple day. Can't. Just can't. Is like viewing torture. I afraid it gonna break me. And plus also, I has to stay home and drink. As Metallica say, "Sad but true." I down in the hole again. Here is what I write about it:
THE CHEMIST
So, we has all talk about how I has to find my alcohol/caffeine-free “baseline” and I does agree. But since I already in relapse, I take this opportunity to go, okay, but where is you now? What you “addict baseline” right now? So for week or so, I let self go and ingest what I compel to ingest. Result can best be describe thusly:
Say is two measure cups on counter. These is measure cups you has always use to make classic recipe call “I Feel Good for Even One Freaking Moment Pie.” And one cup say “alcohol” and one say “caffeine.” So, first thing in morning, I head out and get lot of both ingredient. Cuz this recipe very tricksy and you has to have exact balance of each ingredient. One can spend entire day titrating –little more booze, little more caffeine, little more booze, little more caffeine, etc., etc. But these two measure cups turn out to be con artist crafty and is actual NOT POSSIBLE to balance them. Yet you try day in and day out. All day long. I not even gonna say that there is not somewhat motivational feeling of “hope” during this attempt to balance, cuz you maybe get fleeting moment, here and there, of “…OMG, hang on... what this? Did brain just feel good? OMG! ...Oop, nope, it gone.” Then, is back to titrating, trying to find magic moment again. After several day of this you realize is no magic balance exist and no end of rainbow, and you just killing time and you self. However, if you anything like Cow, you go ahead and try for couple more day just to be sure. Then maybe couple more. Then it get hazy and at some point you realize you back down in the hole.
I not remember last time I go this hard. Has been almost creepy. I attend party, family dinner, Board meeting, visit with friend, see Maggie. All smashed. (Good thing I on pain med for my pancreatitis/infection and everybody know they has to drive me –that some alcoholic luck, yes?) Anyway, I can still fools everybody. Couple time I just break down crying with friends and they think I crying about Maggie, so I go with that. But I really cry because I big fat addict drunk liar who can fools them. I so sick and weak I not could even stand up at family dinner. I have to sit down between my turn at playing bean bag toss! I not hardly say word to anybody. I stare off into space wondering who these peoples is and what in hell is going on. Nobody notice.
Lately. Not can sleep. Even after booze and max dose of benzos. I just lay there. Tell myself, "Is gonna be long night, honey. Just breathe. You got a long day of substance juggling ahead of you." Yes, I deep in the groove.
Kind of shocking to see I still capable of functional living on the bottom, just like I always was. In matter of days, I quite comfortable back in the hole. Is like, Jesus God, I fight so hard, so long to climb just couple rung on that ladder and it take all of day or two to get super comfy back treading quicksand.
Is like "muscle memory" for the brain. Only good thing I can say is, like kid who eat too much Trick or Treats candy... I sick of it. Literally. Figuratively. Energetically. Medically. Psychologically. Astrologically. <Okay, that last one just for Lenina and AO. 
Anyways, one would think that would be sick enough to stop, tomorrow even. Yes. One would think.