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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VIII: "When on Fire, Save what of Value" 1 Attachment(s) I ride dirtbike out to old mining site yesterday, looking for cool rocks. Come back late afternoon, stop on top of mountain to eat few tangy conchord grape and... WHAT THE WHUH?! Noooooooooo! Jump on bike and fly down into valley. Mind is super clear: grab both computers, briefcase, files, medicines, some of pappa's very valuable antiques. Closer I get, is thicker smoke, very hard to see, but I see fires! I pop out onto forest road near cabin and is about 50 firepersons, standing around. Like, eating sandwiches. Is bunch of fire truck and forest service vehicle too. Jesus God. They doing a control burn. Whew. We had other fire come within mile of cabin before that destroy 800 acre of my forest. I put some of that one out with my own hoofs. True story. Anyways, whole thing get me to thinking. Cow is burning down too, in lot of ways. So, what I gonna save. What truly is of value to save in all this life of detach survival and sad black ashes. I not clear on this at all. Is maybe everything should go. Total rebuild. I know I gonna be different person. I know whole "baseline" business is coming. Maybe I just grab wit and intellect and run for door. It has ominous feeling to me. Like that smoke. What is you guys save from you alcoholic life? |
Shotgun! |
To answer your question: Nothing. |
Yeah a new Cow thread. It was a controlled burn for me Cow. Everything that wasn't real about me burnt away. I could feel it coming just like you said you can. Hurts soo good. Alchemy...red for fire..yellow for the soul. |
I saved myself. I didn't really know if there was a good man in there somewhere or not, but I hoped there was. D |
Great question, Cow. I'm thinking... I'm not sure what all I saved :) There's carry-over in so many areas, I'm sure. I saved myself, a new marriage, my cats, and a house... I've added to that recently... two dogs :) What have I given up or discarded? Old hurts, guilt, some anger and sadness, blame, illusions and delusions. It wasn't this big shift that happened all at once though. It's still going on. Shedding things all the time that no longer serve me well anymore. And hopefully, adding some better coping skills, some humor, and some better perspectives on things. An odd feeling - discovering in the midst of a situation your genuine or authentic response is not the same response you've been giving all those years. So, in a sense... discovering the "real" me :) |
I think I'd save some past friendships that I discarded. some good people who I blew off so I could be alone and drink. And I'd have saved teh part of me that was really creative, I let her go.. |
Thanks Silentrun. |
1 Attachment(s) Lori, I has found you can reclaim lot of friendships with honest explanation and ownership regarding you "disappearance" and humble apology. SJ, you list pretty sweet. For me is feel like sifting through ashes and debris but no finding anything salvageable. I know is early. And I very ill. So I try to remember I seeing through this lens, but I think I gonna end up more like Hawk describe in last thread. D, that answer so damn rock & roll, it should by Allman Brother lyric. SR, yes, the crucible. Trach, sometimes you just has to burn it down to the ground, baby. No fires today, I stay close to water... |
I'll take that compliment Cow :) "I love being alive and will be the best man I possibly can. I will take love wherever I find it and offer it to everyone who will take it. I will seek knowledge from those wiser and teach those who wish to learn from me." Duane Allman stay safe :) D |
Not the Allman Bros but same genre. I dedicate this one to Dee. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man - YouTube |
cow.................I'm not sure anymore.. |
D like Marshal Dillon or Kwai Chang Caine. Man of few word, but when he speak ...BAM! Lori, if you go to real friend with heart in hand, and they not let you back in, then they wasn't real friend. I mean, unless you total screw them over, then you has to accept that they maybe move on for they own good. But, I think they will still take you offering to heart. I had one sister-like friend (not an addict) who betray me too bad to ever trust or be friend with again. One day I run into her and she apologize profoundly. Say it was worst mistake she ever make in her life. She was shaking. I thank her for apology and hug her, but not would renew friendship. Friendship was irrevokably broken. But still, apology was accepted to me and I was glad for encounter. |
cow......are you Chinese? ONLY asking becasue for some reason when I respond to you I have a sillly accent I never had. |
Or Catalonian Spanish with the listhp (so beautiful)? :grouphug: |
I Holstein. |
Originally Posted by Cow
(Post 4935097)
I Holstein. LMAO! You the best Cow! (If you are tired of me saying how funny you are, just let me know.) While we are on the subject of old sayings, how about, "When you find yourself in a hole,,, first thing you should do is . . . . STOP DIGGING!" That one made a lot of sense to me when I was first trying to quit drinking. |
A couple cats, a condo and what's left of my bank account. er. That's what you meant, right? It's too early to come up with any deeper stuff. |
I have been in a building that was not only flaming, but burnt to the ground. What I took was my barest essence: an unthinking mass. No esteem, no thoughts, no preconceptions, no notions--just pain. I would have died in the building, but an external force preserved me.* My marriage was left standing, too. So what emerged finally for me was a rescuer, a lump of bare identity, and my husband (I trust that he will be the recipient of a massive reward when we come into that "pie in the sky"). *I am a Christian, for those who are new. |
Wow. All these answers is so interesting and powerful. I often feel like "lump of bare identity." I hoping an identity show up at some point. Is you content now? Gilmer, ever time, since first you show up, when I go to write you name, I always type Glimmer and has to correct it. But now, I gonna has to give in to impulse and calls you Glimmer, cuz I think is very fitting. |
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