Cow

Dammit, why can no anybody have gender obvious name, like Cow!

D, I never would argue with you. ...unless you want to argue about simple thing like politic or religion. I just saying, I appreciate honesty, even when is not pretty. Probable especially when it not pretty. Or popular. Or it exasperating. Also bring up question, does we really ever know anybody? Well, okay, I mean, everybody pretty much know all my business, but, I not feel really like I know lot of people here cuz is no journal threads. Like, where is I to learn about D?

courage2

Leshar, I don't know your history very well, just a little, but I will say this --

I went out, back to drinking, briefly (3 weeks), due to depression. This is what I posted the night I started back out --

2 days later, strung out, I wrote this:

It wasn't over at that point, but I knew it had been a huge mistake. Because the depression I was in was immediately so monstrously exaggerated by the effect of the alcohol. All I remember now of that time is the feeling that a huge, black, hairy, sinkhole, gaping maw of horror had opened up and was sucking me in -- not empty, but an infinite deep of crap and **** and vomit and bile.

Have I been clear?

Dee74

We're cool Cow I just don't want to discuss Leshar or anyone like they're not here

Not sure how much more you want to learn Cow - I have 90 thousand odd posts!
I have my story on page 4 or so of the Stories of Recovery forum too,

D

courage2

Cow, here's a link with links to Dee's story:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4827849

Dee, it took me forever (6 minutes) to track these down. Really, you should get your own header.

Dee74

You are now my press agent Courage

D

Cow

Wow. I would no even spend 6 minute to take shower. Thanks Bunny!

Bunny, I not know when those posts was, but that courageous reporting. That what I consider I doing. Reporting. Yes, I hope it do some good to somebody, if not now, someday, but is important to report such human conditions I think, whether is happy ending or not.

BackToSquareOne

Quitting drinking didn'y cure depression and anxiety for me, it did take the constant withdrawal mood swings out of the picture tho. With each "come down" from the alcohol it was like the depression machinery got slammed into overdrive, absolutely horrific depressions while in alcohol withdrawal, couldn't deal with that any longer.

I gave up caffeine for a while and it seemed like my depression got worse without it so I went back to coffee. I guess with depression what works for one might not work for everyone. I know a couple of people who swear by giving up caffeine, I didn't get their great results so I guess the only thing one can do is try.

ESD907

BTSO...did you find taking anti 'd's helped at all? MY daughter is about to put on prozak?spell check.......and I'm worried. Did it help you?

BackToSquareOne

I never had much luck with the anti-d's, there are many who swear by them tho. It's worth a try, I think a lot of the bad side effects are overblown, the worst I can say is that they didn't work for me.

ESD907

Thanks guys...my daughter is talking about dying. she hates school. SO I'm about to homeschool (again(..I hate homeschool option and in FL they make ti so easy. But its my only private time. now again...._after getting rid of the 5 year olds.....I have one back......... but when you have kid who says suicide...you take action. husband as usual is not around....so its all on me...

Gilmer

I sent you a PM, Lori.

ImperfectlyMe

ESD .... Don't be too quick to pull the homeschool option, there's a big lesson to teach your daughter there. Sometimes it's easier to walk straight through the pain and fears then to figure out quickest way around. As far as your 5 year old ideation, have you talked to your pediatrician? I agree action must be taken. A 5 year olds world is very black and white. I'm sure your children are scared, with your current health crisis. They have knowledge and experiences they aren't mentally mature enough to comprehend and reason. You are in my thoughts!!

fini

the thing about all the courageous deep down honest reporting and sharing and exposing of abyss and tumbling over the edge making others feel less alone/letting others know they are not alone...well, that's so.
and that is hugely valuable.
but what it doesn't do is to point in a direction of solution.

it took me years to see that, that support about identifying and understanding the depth of the "problem" isn't in and of itself always or even often helpful in pointing to a way out.

it can too easily turn into an unending cycle of "ja-but...".

took a long time for me to see that i was, after quite a bit of sober time, stuck in a place of no solution.

just an observation.

Gilmer

Yeah, in attempting to show solidarity with people, I often inadvertently make them feel worse by drawing them into a game of "Can you top this."

soberlicious

I'm going to say this again. One cannot say they have "explored all manner of treatment" if they have not had a period of sustained abstinence from alcohol and/or other drugs. No manner of treatment can be concluded a failure if it has not been applied without the interference of alcohol or drugs.

courage2

I agree. I really hope my posts can't be interpreted as glamorizing relapse, or drinking, period. My original post and my reposting of it here were intended to indicate that drinking was emphatically not a viable solution for me, not in any way. I've bad periods when dangerous ideations upset my balance, but I've learned some ways to restore that balance, or to be patient until it returns on its own. That's living in the solution, and I believe in it.

Patience was possibly the first big lesson. I'm in this for the rest of my life, but moving through it with baby steps.
I had to find substitute behaviors for drinking, not all of which are entirely healthy, but none of which will kill me as quick as drinking.
I had to learn to seek and accept help.

I wouldn't wish an alcoholic death on anyone. It's ugly, painful, and demoralizing to the dying and anyone they know. And from what I've seen, that's not an unlikely outcome if we continue to use, or go back out.

While I'm being preachy, I want to reiterate my opposition to use of hallucinogens in any dosage for any purpose -- "spiritual" or otherwise. As someone who had friends --back when I had friends -- whose minds were quite literally devastated by hallucinogens, I take such things pretty seriously. When I was 15 I visited a schoolfriend in a psych ward who'd drunk kerosene while tripping. Another fellow hanged himself. As I wrote earlier, my cousin jumped off a roof. I could go on with a scarily long list, but I've said my say.

Cow

I not think anyone think alcohol is solution for anything. I think it general accepted though, that some people does feel worse (at least for time) after give up alcohol, and so is only natural they maybe start to get unproductive thoughts about relapse.

What I find most supportive about raw reporting is that is other people who not yet has found solution, and who maybe they feeling like is not gonna be easy or maybe any solution for some of they struggles. That very hard and despairing row to hoe, especially if you suffering for long time. I not saying sobriety is not for sure first step, and for me that mean caffeine too. However, underlying conditions and disorders is still gonna be there.

As for magic mushroom, though I still researching plants, is not something I would think about try unless I sober for at least year and still suffering crushing depressions and anhedonia. But I think is okay to explore and talk about such thing in a measured way. Hell, I also look into cryotherapy and stuff. (Is where you go into booth and is frozen at like -200 degrees which shock you body into doing stuff.) <highly technical description.

Anyways, I has to go to event tonight. Apparently lot of people think I not really exists anymore cuz I not been seen in long time. Not really feel up to go, cuz I in pain and I gonna has to plaster smile on my face for 5 hour and be funny and network and stuff. Oh well, I just has to think of it like it theater, like it my job, yes?

Cow

D, I read all posts on you story, but you not finish story! Did you get "life" back, as far as job and relationship and other things you was wanting? How long "sobriety process" take for you, once you decide you not gonna live like that anymore? What was biggest changes for you mind/experience of life after you sober up? Inquiring cows want to know!

Dee74

My story will only finish when I do, I think

but...I'm happier than I've ever been

It took maybe a year tho for me to not want to drink anymore and to sort through all the debris my drinking has left me.

It took me about 3-4 months to feel anything at all and then a few more months to trust those feelings.

It was probably two years before I worked out some long standing problems like self-loathing, and various and sundry self-destructive tendencies.

Several things helped me along...People here at SR, some counselling, meeting Mrs Dee, and becoming a God person again.

I found out I need purpose in my life to be happy and sober. Not sure why it took me 40 years to figure that out, but there ya go LOL

The biggest change? Probably accepting that I was not anywhere as bad or despicable as I'd convinced myself I was for 30 years or so

D

Cow

Oh man, you has to has a purpose?! Crap.

I very glad you living you happy ending, D. And that you here trying to help poor sots like me to find ours.