trachemys

scribble

gardendiva

Guinea Pig here, reading along.

trachemys

Hey, Cavy!

Cow

AO, for sure, it got total between you and me. But you never fools me, I always know it cuz you care enough that it pain you.
Everybody, for you kind encouragements.
Hawk, Guinea Pig, Leshar, I know is effort just for you guys to , so thank you. ...

Like AO say, if I had any crumb of anything that could help what broken in any of you, I total break piece off to share with you. ...Okay not like big piece, cuz I waiting long time for my crumb, but, you know, decent size piece ...little piece ...okay, I let you lick it.

Whew, you guys. Thank you all for support today. Is good I get my crying out before I go see Maggie. It take very long time to guide her into place of ease and smiles even, and then tears just ruin it, confuse and burden her, so is no place for that now.

Gilmer

I know she loves you, Cow. You are giving her a wonderful gift. I wish I had 1/10 your patience. I hope I have the right compassion for my dad when the time comes.

On a lighter note, I just saw somebody give a glowing recommendation of IKEA meatballs on another thread.

fini

i thought i did.
and then it got slammed shut.
just my impression.

i'm thinking, too, that when i first quit drinking, i wouldn't have taken kindly to someone telling me to get over myself. in fact, i had some much more explicitly negative reactions to that (along "where do you get off...?") than i've seen on this thread to much the same suggestion.
it's easy later on to see the usefulness of the suggestion, or even the necessity. but i couldn't see it then.

and when i say stuff like this, i'm just saying how it was for me, and what i see in hindsight.

fini

ah Cow,
i understand better now. not slammed shut. ajar or screened

still can't believe i address a woman as "cow". yeah, i know, it's not 'cow' but 'Cow'.

can't see how you can maintain about meaningless killing time when doing such meaning-full significant being-there with your friend.....what a gift for both of you!

courage2

When I first quit, if someone said "get over yourself" (which I think they did, and other stuff like "feelings aren't facts") I would have said, how? Except I'm not sure I even would have gotten that far, more like, huh? My sponsor used to say "get out of your own way" and it took me 18 months to have a clue about that one.

Lenina

OK, I'm getting ready to suit up and organize my day. I'll check back in before I blast off on the Bicycle of Commerce.

Love to all. Proud of you, dear Cow, for being there.

Lenina

gardendiva

Cow, watching my mother die was one of the hardest things I have done. Almost three weeks of inhome hospice. The silver lining was that I was able to model quality end of life care for my kids. She had plenty of pain relief and fluids until she could no longer swallow.

She died at home surrounded by family. I lost my mother, father and step-father in 15 months.

Lenina

Just stopping by. It seems to me many folks in the end stages often think they are traveling or moving. my great aunt was married to a jazz musician during the "30s and they traveled a lot. That's what I thought she was reliving. She thought she was on a train, on a bus, in a hotel, waiting for rides. Waiting. my grandma, who didn't travel much, thought she going visiting. did she have her purse? Where was her bag? was that the driver? Was everything packed up?

I've since read more about dying and this is common, it seems. I guess the anxiety about being ready, being "finished" is there. I guess thats how the mind sees it. the Metaphor.

((((Cow)))) I would want a friend like you to be there. Maggie obviously loves you. she's seen the woman you are at the Core. she's wise. I hope she's been able to hold the mirror up for you to see that pearl of your true self.

Am I babbling again?

OK, I'll babble a bit more. Some spiritual theories hold that the veil between the worlds thins this time of year. some cultures have All Saints Day, some have Day of the Dead. I'm dreaming of friends and family and loved ones who have passed over. My Grandma's anniversary is in a week and a few days. I hope she is pleased with me.

I'm going to try a sleep a bit. I'm thinking of you, dear Cow. You're doing a Great Work. Be proud of yourself for this.

Love from Lenina

gardendiva

I have had two completely inexplicable experiences with dead family members. Its the only "proof" I have of some kind of spiritual essence way beyond our understanding, something on the Other Side besides a blank void and complete loss of consciousness.

Wishful thinking? Not for me I don't think, because I feel pretty okay with the blank void. My life has been rich and full, I have felt grief and joy, I have relationships with people I would die for. I have suffered little. For me that is a complete life.

I dream of the dead throughout the year, not necessarily more this time of year. However Autumn has always been the time of year that I feel most connected with the world.

I'm glad your friend has you Cow.

Cow

Oh hello. I just pop in to thank those who checking in and sharing. I reading every post. I adores you all, but especial grateful for those who not usual talk much but step up and post cuz they thinking I maybe need it right now. And I does. So that very touching. ...NOPE not gonna cry again!

Is not to say I not total appreciate rest of you chatty blabbermouths too, you already know I does. Or maybe you don't. If you don't. I does. A lot.

So, between still horrific situation with Maggie, sleepless night, own medical issues on hold, all day Sunday family dinner (or what I likes to call: "Dine of the Dead") and plus also my relapse still ongoing, I not has too much coherent to say. But I been collecting thoughts, writing, and when I can put it together, I will of course make ungodly verbose and tedious posting such like I always does.

Anyway, just wish you to know, I okay. Wait, that not true. I total not okay. I think I in shock. No just shock about Maggie and her god awful torment, but also to do with my family, my relapse, my crazy, and my life and/or lack thereof in general. But, hey, other than that, I okay. Pretty sure you guys know what I mean.

Dee74

Yep. Thinking of you Cow

D

courage2

Cow, I just remembered -- I saved a fuzzy caterpillar from being squashed by a vehicle today because of you. Really. I walked past it as it was crossing a loading dock, and thought, hmmm, it's definitely going to be run over before it makes it across, and walked on about a block, late to meet someone, and stopped, thought about it, kept going, stopped again, went back, picked it up with a piece of paper & took it to the nearest clump of greenery. Because of you.

Cow

Well, if I accomplishes nothing else, maybe I help put one more butterfly into world. Thank you, Bunny.

alphaomega

Hey there buddy. I'm actually kinda glad you are in shock. Numb. You could use a break from the never ending emotional and physical pain you battle constantly. So I'm grateful for a little repreive for you. Is that wrong ?

I usually meditate in the morning. Today I wasn't feeling it so rather then getting Zen, I pulled a Tarot card. I pulled The Tower. [Cue scary music].

And sure as sh1t, it was a straight on Tower kinda day.

I'll spare you all the gorey details, but let's just say it included family members suing one another over a fall, wrong product being shipped overseas at my company, a pending surgery for a loved one, a knock down drag out with my daughter over her college essay that is making her sound unstable and serial killer like, and slipping in dog vomit.

Copious amounts of dog vomit.

I shoulda meditated.

Cow

I meditate in morning too, AO. Before I get out of bed, I has whole routine. First, try to fall back into lucid dream state. Next, go over any and all lucid or regular dream and what they maybe mean to me. Next examine first "waking" thoughts that pop up and what is deal with those. Next, just breathe and try to appreciate that this is most pain free I gonna feel all day. Next, (try no to laugh) I make agreements with self that I will not harm self that day, not drink, not go after caffeine, be strong, blobbity blah blah. ...last part not usual take.

You family sound pretty Springer. Maybe more outward Springer, whereas my family more inward Springer. I hope you puppy okay.

I not really believe in psychic or Tarot, but has have many reading cuz I try anything! (Especially if friend is pushing me to do it.) Interesting thing is almost any psychic/reader I ever see say same thing: You not really want to be here. You got one foot out door. You not attach to ground. All you past life was live in isolation. And, my total favorite of all time: You no meant for this world and not can handle this world, you like a baby trying to drive a car.

Word.

In hindsight, I should have tip that psychic.

Dee74

I can't speak for the world but I know SR would the poorer without you Cow, so I can;t go along with anyone who told you otherwise, sorry

D

alphaomega

I have learned more in your threads about the human experience, then all my years in school, decades of psychotherapy and a semi lifetime in the rat race. Your honesty and fearlessness about sharing your life and all of its foibles and follies has helped all of us witness depths of character and darkness (and hope) and have offered many solace in their darkest hours.

Oh no, you most DEFINITELY belong in this world.

And I would happily throw down with anyone who ever suggested otherwise.

Like I said before, your kindness and gentleness are the antithesis of your own thesis that humanity is natures greatest mistake.

But, that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop pushing you to keep trying to find that happy place. And having full faith that you will actually find it. I believe Cow. I really believe if ANYONE was going to beat anhedonia, you will beat it. And if you don't, you'll be the happiest anhedonic that this world has ever known. And brought with her a whole mess of joy and gifts of the self.

So don't go all soft on me just yet, k ?