RobbyRobot

I'm not dumb, but I'm missing the context? Long distance truth?
Give me more please.

Hawkeye13

Please don't stop sharing about Borg brain Cow.
I live with it too, and frankly your posts have made me feel less alone
and able to look more deeply into the feeling of lack of feeling.
I never even had words for it until you said "anhedonia"

I'm not posting very much at all right now but I am reading.
I start my day, usually before dawn, and this thread is one of the first
things I log into in the morning, and one of the last things I check at night.

Your journey, and the journey of others here, makes my road less lonely.
When I read here I know other travelers are seeing the same stars I see, and that is strangely comforting and useful.

It is such a hard climb to that first long stretch of sobriety Cow but it is truly worth the climb. Not because of feeling, but because things get clearer.

I grant it isn't the same as "being happy", but like Bunny intimates, the joy embedded in that clear state is just past the pointing finger.

soberlicious

When my boys were learning to ride a bike, they fell over and over. They didn't understand how to balance, pedal, steer...so much going on at once. But every day they tried again and they did not base whether or not they would achieve that day on their past failures.

They could not, they could not, then...boom- one day they could.

Past failure is not a predictor of future success.

You are currently addicted to alcohol. Whether or not you drink on any given day is not relevant. You are in the cycle. You and your addiction are one and the same right now, so when ideas come up, they are pooh poohed as ineffective or useless. Who do you think is dismissing all these ideas? The addicted part of you is not letting anything in that might be a way to end it.

This dialogue comes from you:
Cow: drinking will kill me
Cow: I would like to feel something, someday
Cow: I know that drinking is messing up my life

This dialogue comes from the addicted part of you and is designed to keep you addicted.
Cow's addiction: I've tried everything. Nothing works.
Cow's addiction: anhedonia prevents me from quitting
Cow's addiction: no one is like me
Cow's addiction: oh well, this is just the way it is

The only way to extinguish that that thinking is to stop feeding it. Hell or high water, no substances. No matter what rhetoric spills out from that part of you, you are fully capable of ending your addiction. People way worse off than you have done it.

So how about a solid plan of action toward quitting? It doesn't matter how many times you've tried and failed in the past. What are you willing to do now?

fini

we all belong, Gilmer.


and the only point i'll butt in to make is that "get over yourself" is not equivalent to "get over it".
now let me see if i can keep hushed up

haven't read farther than your post yet. more shall be revealed.

trachemys

Hmmmm. What did I mean? Ellifino! Forgive me, not sleeping well lately. I keep waking at 3 AM like there's a fire to put out.

Cow

I only gonna say this about kerfluffle: Robot, I think you must has know was potential for you words to be provocative, cuz you say right in post, “Too harsh?” Okay, so, you ask, some people respond, and then you take exception to some of responses and make you rebuttals. Fair enough. I okay with that. I not wish to get into big autopsy of it. At end of day, I truly believe everybody here genuine have everybody else best interest at heart. Like you say, is to be expected sometime communications is gonna be misunderstood or clumsy or hurt feeling. I say, let kumbaya and moves on, okay you crazy tin can?

Last couple day very traumatic for me. Maggie is in active dying process and I spending hours at her bedside. I trying to be there like I not could do for my first momma. But, Jesus God, is so brutal. I thought she be in white light reverie, cuz she was at peace to die, solid in faith, and is so loved by so many. But she extremely tormented. She distraught over old and/or imaginary thing. It take long time to speak with her before she remember who I am. Then she get into, “Why did I do it? Why did you let me do it?” Then, “You lie to me! Why?!” She frantically worried about taking care of imaginery boxes somewhere. I just go along with everything she say, apologizing, and tell her I already take care of all the boxes. Couple hour of this and then after I calm all her worry, I can actual has her laughing little bit about first time we meet or times when she was outspoken broad. She having death analogy deliriums, constantly ask “What time is it?” and “What’s upstairs?” and “Is this a joke? Are you sure?” She so upset “I not gonna be able to go with you!” I just say, “Is okay, I gonna meet you there.” She ask me not to leave until her sons get back. But those asses not coming back. They hardly ever there. Nobody should has to be alone when so distraught and close to death. But at some point, I just has to leave her.

Yesterday, I total lost it in front of her, and she just keep calling me “my dear sweet girl,” which of course make me lose it more. I kind of in shock from these encounters. I get home and start shaking. Is just too much torment of an innocent to witness. I not have chops for this. But, I grateful we able to have few flicker moments of connection, and I glad I can soothe her.

Lenina

(((((Cow)))))) darling, you just be there. If she is on morphine, she may be hallucinating. Just be there. Hold her hand, talk to her. She will know... She is transitioning. We will be here for you. It's a mitzvah you're doing.

Take care of the business at hand.


Love from Lenina.

trachemys

You make turtle cry again. Bless you for your care of your friend.

Cow

She not on any medications at this point, Lenina. They not will even give her IV and she so thirsty. She keep ask for water and I can give her little syringe of water, but I not understand why they not can give her IV. They say because she has DNR and ask for withdraw all treatment, but I think water just palliative for god sake.

courage2

Yes. Those are the right words.

Lenina

With the DNR I don't know why she isn't getting any palliatives. Ice chips, pain relief? Could be she requested no narcotics due to addiction? I'll be around for a bit if you want to chat. I'm overseas and have been up 30 hours but I'm here if you want me.

XXOO.
Lee

Ps. I was with my mom and and my grandma for this. The ice chips help. Also, maybe rub lotions on her arms, hands and legs. Cool cloths help too. Also, lip balm.

fini

butting in, Cow. it's your thread, i know, and you've made your preference known for just moving on.
i wouldn't want an 'autopsy', either, but just moving on now strikes me as sidestepping, and i think when a long-term sober and generally astute and always-encouraging member says something you/we/some find provocative enough to want to move on, maybe moving on so fast isn't the most useful thing.

i, for one, would like to hear more about the purpose, so to speak, of making that statement, and also how you, Robby, get over yourself ongoing.
maybe a new thread: "why and how to get over yourself" ?.

i'm being genuine, not sarcastic or intending to provoke.

RobbyRobot

(((Cow)))

Okay, we move on.
Was exciting, no?
Too soon?

courage2

I think, fini, that we just engaged in that. There's was a little window on this thread, a rare one to be frank, when it wasn't just you post yours and I'll post mine. Did you feel it? That's a getting over. IMO.

biminiblue

Now Imma need to seriously do a review of my DNR.

I drew it up with an attorney and didn't have any input from my doctor and maybe that was a mistake. I do remember them asking if I wanted to withhold food and water and I said, "no." I don't really want to die that way - but meds? Morphine? Hmm. I guess we can't provide for every eventuality. Ugh. I'll take morphine, and lots of it, por favor. Don't really care about my addictive background if I'm dying. I'd be happy to die under the influence. I'm not that attached to sobriety. I know some are...

attorneys. That's all I've got to say about that.

Cow

Lenina, thank you. I okay for now. Maggie say she not feeling pain, she was on pain med before. But no IV, even though now she say she so thirsty seem cruel. Thank you for kind words and advices. Please rest you head. Please. I can no has two delerious womens on my hands.

fini, If Robot so wish to explore more fully what he meant, or mean, or meant to mean, I total open to that. I be reading every word. I willing to go there. What I mean by "moving on" is that I has let go from being defensive about what was said, and having any contentions with Robot. I would hope if conversation go forward, it be in spirit of trust with each other. That where I at.

Robot, not flatter you self. My kerfluffles with Alpha Omega were epic compare to this little dust up. She storm out of at least 2 of my thread, maybe 3! (Although I always knew secretly she still around and rooting for me.) So bring it, Rust Bucket! ...Just bring it gently, okay? Cuz I very fragile right now. Jesus.

SoberLeigh

((((Dear Cow))))).

You are giving someone one of the most essentially beautiful and meaningful gifts one human being can give to another - an affirmation and recognition of the importance and significance of one human life upon another. Maggie knows that you love her and that her life has positively impacted yours, that she has helped in some way to fill a void in your life created by the death of your mother.

May you be blessed, dear Cow.

Hawkeye13

Hi Cow;

The lotion on her hands and arms is soothing and calming--also on her feet and lower legs. If her lips are cracking and drying out a little Chapstick or Vaseline can really help. Sneak in some ice chips if you have to.

Being connected while someone dies is hard at the best of times.
It says a lot about who you are that you are there and present with her.
Do step away and rest a bit when you need to and don't feel bad about it.
Sometimes this can take more time than you think.

Leshar

Dear Cow,

Thinking of you as you help your dear friend. It's a very, very hard thing to do, but you're doing it. Sending good wishes to you.

alphaomega

Cow, you just made me cry and laugh simultaneously. What we had, was that a kerfluffle or a straight up KLABOWEY !

I storm out because I want so much more for you and your self sabotaging frustrates the living hell out of me. You make me crazy and give me the agita. And I am in total and complete awe of your strength and fortitude. You keep trying to live by trying to die. And I wish It was psossible to trade your tenacity and brilliance and fearlessness, for a day of my sh1ts and giggles. If I could give you my joy in a box, I would share it with you a thousand times over.

I ain't cut out for the road you are so bravely walking with Maggie either. No way, no how. Just rip my heart out why don't you ? Jesus God for sure. You are the bravest person I have never met.

Yeah, we are six bags of crazy around here for sure. But at the end of the day, we all just want to see each other win. You WILL win Cow. You have to. You just have to. I'm claiming it for you.