trachemys

Well, at least you and my doctor agree, RR. It's why he gave me meds. And I am so over myself that I can't stand it. If I could not be like this I would not. I have only a little practice at me without booze. I hope it gets better than this.

courage2

What are you, new? (as we used to say in Chicago)

But I for one am not depressed. I had a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse associated with and in response to some early experiences that I didn't know how to cope with otherwise, eventually possibly resulting in and certainly exacerbating my depression, all which led me to develop a bunch of attitudes and behaviors that merely confirmed the initial pattern and made it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm no longer as physically and emotionally vulnerable as I was when I started, my thinking isn't confused by substances, and I have good support and medication. However, whatever it may have been for you, it isn't the work of a moment for me to undo multiple decades of addict/alcoholic thinking.

RR, your post initially aggravated me, but then it led me to think about joy. For which I'm grateful. Cow writes a lot about wanting happiness which is a construct I have little interest in. It just doesn't resonate for me, it has the aftertaste of loss. But joy, that I can get behind.

I feel joy when I allow myself to extend warmth and givingness to another person, regardless of fear and distrust. It's like a melting. Sometimes it's a big chunk off the iceberg, and sometimes only a tiny splinter. But my pool of joy, small as it may be, doesn't dry up, & it isn't dirtied by bad situations or even addiction.

Cow-friends, can anyone write about their joy?

Cow

I think maybe you missing you sensitivity chip, Robot. I just try to give honest answers to questions you was asking. I know is very dark and joyless and circular and exasperating. Is big fat bummer. Welcome to my world. I sorry to be a bummer. Believe me, it feel worse from the inside.

I think is not very kind or helpful thing to say to any severely depress, anhedonic and/or suffering person that they a downer and perhaps not really earn they struggles and should "get over they self." That only create more feeling of isolation and withdrawal. More proof that I must always wear mask, even in places I think is safe.

Robot, like lot of persons here, you has come through horrific devestating trauma and been total broken and crazy. You much better now, but I not see how, for life at me, someone who been there ever would look at other such sufferer and say, you a downer, get over it. Can you not fathom is person who is maybe still in the fire? Just because you make it to other side, is everybody else suppose to achieve that in way you did, on you terms, and you time table. Thank gods you has find better way to experience life, I amaze and glad for you, but some of us still on fire, still flailing about for relief, and, of course, not everybody make it out.

If you had been on SR everyday posting during time you was, in you own words, "broken, ruin, undid, in hell, etc." it maybe be a big fat joyless bummer too. Is you only suppose to post here once you better?

Anyways, I do think maybe is good idea I stop talking about my Borg brain existence. It probable not serving anybody at this point.

Bunny, I got no joy to talk about. But I does post you very pretty pictures of my forest. That was my offering. Best I can do for now.

Leshar

Hello Cow,

Please don't stop talking. You help me, a lot. I see so much of myself in what you have shared, and it makes me feel less helpless and alone.
A big hug to you.

courage2

I understand, Cow. That's why I hope you can lean a little bit on those who are just starting to get past the horrible flailing stuff and seeing small windows to a better way of living. I don't in any way downplay what you're going through, and I don't want you to stop posting about it. It is important. My first year on SR, I was a constant downer, and I didn't even come to SR until after I was on the way out of my bottom.

I imagine you're feeling pretty hurt right now. None of us know each other really. Sometimes people post things that are as much about them acting out their personal issues as they are suggestions to comfort or support you. It's hard to be open after you feel like you've been shut down, but in reality a post may have little to do with you. In AA there's a saying, "some are sicker than others."

For what it's worth, though you're writhing in your chains, you've always been kind.

Your pretty pictures were a "got". Thank you. Can you visualize the woods and the trails when you're not there?

RobbyRobot

Cow. I already said you are not a bummer for me. You even noted me saying so, yeah? Scroll up, girl.

But now is easy for you to not believe me? Sensitivity chip? You think I'm that shallow that I say one thing and then I say something else different?

You is preaching to the wrong dude, my dear Cow. I have to admit, you've hurt me a bit with so easily thinking you can spoon-feed me obvious misunderstanding, okay?

Welcome to your world? You have no idea, okay? Just because I don't complain about this and that doesn't mean I don't have my own angst, okay?

Wow.

I'll say something to the rest of your share in a bit...

biminiblue

I have to go along with the others here, RR. Your post was "off."

Diagnosing other posters as depressed and then going on a rant about it is intolerant, and arrogant IMO. It seems you are upset with certain beliefs that don't jive with yours? Or maybe all of us misunderstood.

RobbyRobot

I'll go with the part that has you all misunderstanding. How does that work for you?

RobbyRobot

You guys may want to notice I'm different in a lot of ways then what you obviously believe, yeah?

And you are surprised when we eventually have a misunderstanding?

Wow.

I'll say it again: get over yourselves.

Gilmer

It's just that the phrase, "Get over yourselves" is a rather sharp command, and you are right. We've never heard sharpness coming from you (unless it's the intellectual kind), and certainly not commands. You've been here since the beginning, through every in and out, empathizing and offering helpful insight.

Not that "get over yourself" isn't helpful insight to many, but it just implies a sudden disgust and dismissal. It implies that you are washing your hands of us because we're nothing but a bunch of self-indulgent whiners!

Knowing you from your many posts, I doubt that's what you mean. I wonder if you were trying to shoot an ant with an elephant gun.

Is there a message you've been sugarcoating all along, and now you're just letting it rip? I've noticed others giving those kinds of messages, but not you.

silentrun

Say it how you see it Cow. That's all any of us can do. I love the Cow threads but I wonder how much we are actually helping you anyway. I have learned a lot from interacting on your threads so I do. It seems that certain things we just go around with. You have tried EVERYTHING to quit and NOTHING works. So don't bother even talking about sobriety. We say that a fair amount of your mental and emotional problems could be caused by using. You say no childhood trauma and OD are the culprits. Once again taking the spotlight off the obvious getting 100% clean.
I'm a astricking hypocrite anyway. I tell people how much better it is sober and right now I want a cigarette so bad I am shaking. I am 6 days in and crawling out of my skin at the moment. Just ride it out right? It get better right? I hope I make it!!!!

Gilmer

Please forgive me if I've butted in where I did not belong.

RobbyRobot

My fires are never out, Cow. They will never be out. How sad you don't see me in flames. Yeah, I'm still successful nonetheless. How weird is that, yeah? My success is mine to own. You do me a disservice with your assumptions, okay?

Quote:

If you had been on sr everyday posting during time you was, in you own words, "broken, ruin, undid, in hell, etc." it maybe be a big fat joyless bummer too. Is you only suppose to post here once you better?

Even on my first day of quitting I talked my own walk, okay? Same as I do now. This should lead you to understand that much of my fires still burn with a wild kind of angst for me. Sobriety didn't cure me. Sobriety didn't even save me. I saved me with a lot of help from others, and from God.

Quote:

Anyways, i do think maybe is good idea i stop talking about my borg brain existence. It probable not serving anybody at this point.

Well, this last bit is just lame, okay? Talking about your Borg brain IS helpful. Pretending no one else understands you... not so much is that assumption helpful. Of course we are going to disagree, that has to be obvious, yeah? Disagreement doesn't mean you give up on the conversation though, okay?

Do you all think success isn't built on failure?

Wow.

RobbyRobot

Yeah. Have some faith in me, okay? Why would I all of a sudden give up and wash my hands on you guys? I'm not giving up on anybody. Thanks for not giving up on me either.

As for your other post, dear Gilmer, you have every business to contribute and I'm very happy you have spoken up.

RobbyRobot

You'll make it.

And if you don't, you'll learn and make it anyways. Whatever it takes, we just do our best and we don't ever quit on ourselves.

Gilmer

I didn't think you were actually abandoning us. You're one of the most beloved and treasured members of the thread!

RobbyRobot

You know guys, I have to get over myself again and again. It's not a do and done kind of thing for me. My kind of crazy always pulls at me nine different ways, lol.

When I believe in someone, I do my very best to also see their own doubts in themselves, otherwise my belief is not grounded on anything more meaningful than lip-service. I in turn hope when people see me they too see my challenges not being solved but more being managed by me as best I can. Like everybody else, I too protect my soft underbelly. I too have my defenses and masks. I too have my own doubts...

Get me off any pedestal, okay? I didn't think you guys would be so surprised and hurt by my assertions about getting over yourselves, okay?

I apologize for hurting any of you by surprise. I don't take back my words, but I do see how my delivery was lame...

Okay?

courage2

Great post, Gilmer.

Cow, maybe this stuff today is useful if it helps you realize you're that we all here are really the sick and suffering just like you in the deepest possible way. Emphatically not creations of your imagination.

Robby, I don't think I fail to appreciate the new direction you were spinning. I hope it's doing something useful for you & the people around you. Edit after seeing your post -- nicely put. I don't pedestal. You actually are coming across a little less obscure starting with the one that seemed a bit harsh. I generally prefer harsh & intelligible to obscure & subject to 1000 interpretations.

silentrun

Thanks. I know it's my fault for making things into something bigger and giving it all my power. If that's all I got to crab about I am doing pretty damn good. It's self inflicted anyway.
I don't have you on a pedestal Robby. You are a Canuk after all. sheesh.

trachemys

What is it you have to get over Robby? The truth? The long distance truth? Can't see it being wrong from here.