Chasingthedream

Hey opio, haven't heard from you in a while. How r things?

OpioPhobe

I gave up. Accepting life on life's terms is something that I don't see in the cards for me. Dealing with stress sober seems impossible for me. I am just too weak I guess. There are a myriad of excuses I could give, but they would just be excuses. The daily struggle wore me down, and I cried uncle. That is really what it comes down to.

When I quit last time I pledged to myself that I would kill myself before using again, but here I am with fresh track marks on my arm. I don't have the balls to off myself so I am going to continue to use.

I probably won't be on here that much going forward, because at this point in time I have little interest in the idea of quitting. When I picked up again it was impulsive. I ran into a old friend randomly and saw his pinned eyes. After sniffing a couple lines I finally got the effect I had been looking for. The effect that the amps, booze, benzos, Wellbutrin, etc. didn't give me. I went home afterwards and was able to play with my children without obsessing over all the stressful thoughts that had debilitated me while sober. I ended up playing blocks with my children for hours and they were happy for the first time in a long time. Over the past months it was very difficult to focus on my children, because I was self-absorbed or I was spending all day texting back and forth with my wife to try to coax her out of her room. Now, I can go through the day without caring about what she is doing. I tried and tried to do all of these things sober, but I just couldn't get there.

Interestingly enough, I was able to get in touch with my old dealer (it took quite a bit of effort trying to go through old phone bills), but he refused to sell to me. He told me that he had watched family members erode away over time and that I had been away from it for so many months that he wouldn't feel right about selling to me. How ironic is that? A dealer with higher morals than a user. However, where there is a will there is a way, and I will avoid mentioning anything further on procurement methods.

Of course, this is all temporary. I know full well what the consequences will be within a matter of weeks. While I have been primarily sniffing, I have also been shooting. It will probably take me two to three weeks to get back to my past levels of using, and I will be shooting full time without any sniffing. It will be even worse thereafter. There is severe pain and suffering waiting for me when it is time to pay the piper again. I even replayed the videos I took from the last time I was in withdrawal to remind myself of what exactly I had in store for me. If I could stop now I could avoid the terrible anguish ahead of me, but I don't have the willpower to do that. I never had the willpower to stop until the misery from the using got to the point where it was unbearable. This time will be no different.

So that is my honest update. I am totally ******.

Tiredofdrugs

Ohhhh Opi! I'm sorry to read all of this!

May you stay in the light and have your Angels watching over you!

TOD

Marcus

Sorry to hear that Opi. Hey I am not going to give you a lecture. I have been where you are and justified using as a temporary solution. I think many of us have. That initial release you get when you decide to quit trying to put up the good fight and throw up the white flag and rather than surrendering to not using we surrender to using. It can be quite intoxicating!!

We are all adults here and I am not going to try to beat someone down and tell them why they shouldn't go that route. So many of us have to take our own path because honestly if you quit now you probably would just go right back anyway. We all have to find our bottom and hopefully you find yours before it is too late. Just know that we well at least I don't look down on you. Addiction isn't rational - we convince ourselves we need it and honestly it is hard trying to learn to live sober when what we know is to be high. How do we deal with situations sober that were much more comfortable dealing with with a nice buzz on.

Please don't disappear. Please remember you have friends here that would love to help talk things through when you are ready. As addicts we just have a bond and it might be a sick and twisted bond but it is one at that. All I can say is I don't know you, but I love you all the same!!!

cleaninLI

Opio it's your life...but well actually it's not JUST your life....its your kid's lives too. You said you don't have the balls to off your life...but you have the balls to off your kids lives?!? Because that is what you are doing! You are checking out of your kids's lives! So now they get to have a mommy who stays in her room all day....AND a zombie for a Daddy? WOW!!! Man addiction is a selfish disease!! Oh but you got it all justified in that addict brain of yours that you could play for hours with blocks therefore it's a wonderful thing you just did! Wow!! And this is coming from someone I looked up too! This from someone I trusted to do the RIGHT thing! I'm shocked!!! You said you were obsessing over stressful thoughts but did you do anything to help yourself? Huh? There are other options you know. Getting high isn't the only one!! Its not even a good one...its the worst option!! You could have gone to a psych doctor?

You said it was difficult to concentrate on your kids because you were so self-obsorbed! Are you trying to say that getting high is concentrating on your kids?! Making you a freaking awesome Dad? OMG! I can't believe I even read such crap from you!

Alright, I'm done!i have nothing more to say! But I will tell you that I'm so pissed at you right now!! You are throwing your life away! You might as well have jumped off a bridge....because that is exactly what you did! You aren't Opiophobe...you aren't that wonderful friend of mine! NO!!! You are just another addict! Who is willing to sacrifice his own kids for his DOC!!

Idk I overstepped I know it...mods just remove my post...it's ok! Just remove my post...but I'm in tears right now Opio....my heart is breaking....to think you let this demon addiction to twist your mind so much that you actually feel that shooting H is doing a favor to your kids! So you think its a good thing when your little girl finds Daddy dead on the couch.??? ..Oh I HATE ADDICTION!!!!!

Marcus

While my response and Clean's response may be quite different I can't say that Cleans is at all off course. Addiction is evil and maybe I am responding more to the person versus the addiction but I think both observations are completely valid and should be taken into account. Take what you want and leave the rest. I guess I have just been around for too long and seen too many people ravaged by this disease and maybe I am getting too cynical. This disease should make us angry and should emote a response. It is often hard to know what that person needs. Of course they are going to want people to sugar coat sh*t but that rarely works! Either way it sucks all the same!!! Thanks for saying what probably needed to be said Clean.

mkintexas

Man I don't know you. But I do know what it is like to be married to a woman who I not happy with. I have to tell you though. There is a serious conflict of thought when it comes to some of your statements. I interpret happiness when you talk about playing blocks with your kids for hours. And I feel you were truely happy to give them that time. But then you seem ok with only giving them that time for a short period. You know as well as I do that this spiral only had a few endings and all of them have your children in a corner with tears rolling down their faces, red eyes and asking why did daddy have to <you fill in the blank> because the blank doesn't matter. Dead, jail, coma. Same thing. I am not judging bro. I pick up oxy to escape my marriage. So I know all too well how easy it is. But my daughter chose none of this. How dare I f*** her out of a normal life and of a father she loves.

I wish you the best man. I know this is hard and I know it is very hard to quit when you have a wife that could give two sh*ts. And believe me. I have no throne to sit on. I am little over two weeks on sub after my Xth relapse. Clean can attest to the fact that she is frustrated with me and my continued ball dropping. But bro we have to keep at it. Don't chump out with "I don't even want to quit ".

Tiredofdrugs

I'm sitting on the fence! I have feelings on both sides! No I'm not happy Opi went back to using. However? I'm truly thankful for his honesty and letting us know the truth!

Opi already knows where it's going to lead him! He states this in his post!

I've used the pain pills and got off the pain pills time and time again! I'm sure not one to point my fingers at someone else for their wrong doings!

We can tell our own stories and our own histories with our DOC! So many stories could be written by one another because they are the same!

We aren't sitting in his house dealing with what he's dealing with! How are we to sit and judge him? I'm not going to! All sorts of family members are in the mix when an addict is going thru detox or using! I've dealt with many a family member using or drinking myself! This is why I said what I did!

May you stay in the light and have your Angels watching over you!

And as of today! I have 92 days off the pain pills!

TOD

Marcus

I guess this is the dilemma we all deal with. It is easy to put ourselves in others shoes and think well just because we feel a certain way everyone should. I have been around recovery circles for a long long time now. It is hard enough to know what a person needs to hear when they are your closest friend (or for the loved ones of addicts a wife or husband or mom or dad or brother or sister). Dealing with each other on a forum leaves even more questions.

Trust me people tried everything to get me sober. I dealt with some hard core program people who tried to scare me into sobriety. Many others thought they could guilt me into it. Then there were others who always told me it would be okay. We just don't know what a person needs.

It is a shame there isn't one perfect way to get sober. A one size fits all - be all and end all approach. I am sure the loved ones of addicts are on here reading and realizing this very thing. I have no problem getting mad at the addiction and for loved ones how can you not get mad at the person for seeming to choose the selfish way out. The so called easy way out. But trust me it IS NOT the easy way. To continue to use and abuse is the most difficult way of all, but as addicts we perceive it to be the only way. That is why this disease is so mind boggling. So sick. Such a destructive force. It ruins everything we love and care about but even then we still choose to use. So Sad!!!!

allforcnm

Opio... you don't have to go through this alone.. you know the good parts are only temporary... why don't you look into an inpatient rehab where you can get away, get the proper help you need.. I feel like your in a very toxic environment. And please don't say you cant leave your kids to go into treatment because they would rather have you gone for a month or two than for years of their life. I also appreciate your honesty, but at the same time I think your mind is lying to you.. will be keeping you in my prayers.

Dee74

The trouble using as a solution is ...it doesn't work. If it did we'd shut SR down tomorrow.

I know you see it as a lesser evil than trying to deal with everything but using's not about dealing...it's about running away.

I'm not gonna mention kids cos I figure you already feel bad enough, but....man...I'm sad cos the Opio I've come to know is better than this.

You're running into a cul de sac M...I hope you make it back, man

D

Chasingthedream

I feel so sad Opi. So sad to hear you have gone back to that.

I totally agree with both opinions here but Im not going to berate you, you know you've made the 'wrong' choice. I also want you to stay here and feel you can be honest, although I think Clean is totally right to say those things because you know deep down they're true.


As Dee says, the problem is, you haven't taken the easy route. You may have felt like you wanted to shut the noise in your head up, but it is such a temporary measure, because very soon there will be the other, much louder, noise in your head. The one that tells you how worthless you are for using, for putting your habit above all else, asking why you f***ed up and wondering how on earth you're going to get back on track. And how long is it going to be before you muster the courage to get back on track- 2 months, 6 months, 2 years....?

If you're honest with yourself- you knew this was coming. An addict can't start drinking and doing coke and expect not to go back to his DOC eventually. When you come out of the fog, you're going to have to ask yourself what you should have put in place before you started on the slippery slope.

In the meantime, we are all here for you, we obviously care. Don't go away.

TiredEnough

Opio, do me this one favor: Be careful. You are too good a guy to end up OD'd while your wife camps out in her room and doesn't notice. If you have to use, please don't do it alone.

finaltime

Opio you sure have loads of love on this site!! We love you man. Hang in there and we will be here for you when you return. Your kids need you, we need you, call your sponsor if you can. Love you tons!!!!

TiredEnough

Just a thought, but nowhere is it written in stone you have to keep going with this. There is still time to stop the H and call this a bump in the road. That may sound ridiculous at this point but it truly is an option, Opio.

mejo

I am sad for you. I hope this is going to be a slip and not a full blown relapse.

BlueChair

((( HUGS ))) You already know the words I would say

Tiredofdrugs

Opio! Why don't you get yourself off the drugs/alcohol! Get your life on a good track! Then you can move out and take your kids with you! Your wife doesn't seem to want to make a change as long as she has you there to take care of things!

When you get so deeply involved with your drug use again. Your kids won't have a father or mother to care for them. I don't know how you feel about it, but I know how it broke my heart to stand at the window and look outside at my chickens that loved their momma and couldn't understand why I wasn't outside taking care of them. This happened when it took me a month to get off the heavy dose of pain meds I was taking each day! I too was having large problems with my husband. He's the reason I started taking so many pain meds in the first place.

After I got myself off the pain meds and had several clean months under my feet! I moved out and haven't regretted it one bit! I had reached a point in my life I felt like I was in a box with no way out! But I found that way out once I got off the pain meds. We never think clearly when we are dosing ourselves with our DOC.

TOD

OpioPhobe

Thanks for everyone's feedback. I can see that I made a serious error in judgment by sharing honestly in my prior post. At the beginning of my post I caveated it by saying that they were not justifications they were excuses. I even considered not writing anything else beyond the fact that I had gone back to the H and that I would not be coming around SR for a while (if I even make it back).

However, what would have been the point of a post like that? I thought it might help someone if I shared honestly what was going through my mind. Saying that I was under tremendous stress and gave up is different than saying something like "oh, I am so stressed and anyone would have done the same thing in my shoes". I failed because of personal weakness. There are probably a ton of people that would be able to deal with everything I had on my plate and laugh in the face of what I found to be overwhelming.

The reason I put the point in about my children was to show that I wasn’t acting on some hedonist impulse to get ‘high’ as has been asserted. It's not like I went out partying with my old using buddies, and went on a week-long bender. Maybe it would have been better if I had gone a bender. That would have made it that much easier to point the finger and tell me how worthless I am. I was able to enjoy the time with my children more, because I wasn’t boiling over with anger, resentment and rage the entire time. That anger and resentment had a strong, negative affect on my interactions with my children. If no one believes me then I don’t really care at this point. Believe whatever you want to believe.

I was trying to avoid ‘defending’ my using, but Clean’s post really hit home. It deserves a response.

A “zombie” for a Daddy, huh? I used opiates daily for more than a decade and was able to accomplish quite a few things over that period. It was when I quit using that I was no longer able to continue with my job, because of the stress levels involved. I must be some mastermind addict manipulator to be able to have pulled that off. Maybe I fooled myself into believing that I was functional, while I was really just a “zombie” during the whole day. I felt energized on opiates so long as my dose was reasonable. That is a popular misconception about opiates, and I am surprised to that you would say something like that.

Coincidentally, I did go to a psych doctor the very next day after the beginning of the heroin relapse. I asked her about my options for anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications. She told me flat out that none of the ADs would hold a candle to the anti-anxiety or anti-depressant effects of heroin. I am going to go back to my primary care doctor (hopefully I can get in next week) to discuss the different ADs. The problem is that they take weeks to take effect, and it is probably going to take some trial and error to get the right medications. I was at the end of my rope, and I don’t have ‘weeks’ to wait. I have been at the end of my rope for what seems like forever already! As you are well aware, I got in my car and drove off just a few weeks ago with no destination and only took the clothes on my back. Of course, this is just my scumbag, addict brain seeking instant gratification and generating excuses. I must be able to handle this stress without batting an eye. If I feel like I am going crazy then it is just my AV trying to come up with an excuse to go get ‘high’.

When I use it is the only time that I can actually live in the moment without constantly dealing with an internal dialogue in my head filled with worries and negative thoughts. I am able to concentrate on my children, and stop allowing my resentments to ruin my entire day. This allows me to actually enjoy my time with them, and they do respond to the difference. When I got married I never signed up for being an assistant homemaker, and I would spend all day pissed off about it when I was sober. In fact, sober homemaking consisted of me largely laying on the couch unmotivated, feeling sorry for myself, resenting my wife, and struggling to make it through the day. That anger and resentment comes through and makes it almost impossible to bond with my children when I am preoccupied with it. You are right though. I am a worthless excuse for a Dad. Whether I am using or not I will always be a failure in that department.

I never meant to make you angry, but telling me that I might as well have jumped off a bridge is a real piece of work. This has to be up there with the most judgmental statements I have seen on SR.

Given all of the “Thanks” that you got to your post it is clear that you didn't overstep anything. This “tough love” approach has broad support here on the forum. I would respectfully ask that the mods not remove the post. You wrote it and the forum stood behind it.

RedManc7

from experience with Smack all other drugs lead back there, not matter how i think a wee blast of coke or a gram of MDMA is a lifter and helping me move away from the brown i always end up back there. None of it solves anything.