EyesOfAStranger

You guys have me chuckling - I've never tried stimulants (I'm a downer relaxed kind of person, never liked the idea of uppers) but boy am I glad! I definitely would have gotten my ass kicked! My mouth would be going, but not sure I could back it up like you all did lol.

Opio - I'm so sorry you're struggling - but being honest with yourself is a big help. You will get there, I have no doubt in that whatsoever!

BlueChair

The coke came from an old contact? Will he contact you again now?

OpioPhobe

No. I'll leave out the exact details on the procurement process, but it was not someone I could call directly. It will not be something that I have to worry about getting offered out of the blue.

Lostinhk

Rootin for ya Opio.

cleaninLI

OPio I'm glad the meeting went well for you!

Hugs

OpioPhobe

Well, I tried an NA meeting today and it was an absolute joke. People were texting while others were sharing, and there must have been at least 7 phones that rang during the meeting. One a-hole talked about driving his friends to the methadone clinic and how all the 'critters' started coming out of storm grates when it opened! Everyone burst out laughing except me and one other person. It was an absolute zoo. I bet they wouldn't be laughing if they were giving BJs in the parking lot for 50mls of backspit!

The rest of the sharing was about how all these people with lot's of clean time screwed it up. It just struck me as a bunch of people forced to go to a meeting to stay out of jail. The message could be summed up as "we are all ******". I have never been to a meeting where I wanted to pick up more after the meeting so this was a first for me. It will be the last NA meeting I ever go to up here.

AA was much, much better and I have been talking to the chair that I met the other day. There were a lot of folks at AA that had a lot of clean / sober time. That is what I am looking for so I am sticking with that for now.

Also, I have an appointment to see a therapist for just me (not a couple's therapist). We'll see how that goes.

I did pretty well yesterday morning, but things got screwed up in the evening. I have already written today off. The alcohol is sinking its teeth in deeper. I have still been able to avoid the opis, but I have been more miserable than when I was on the H anyway so that is little consolation.

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I would rather be honest than to present some rosy BS picture.

Shining~Again

For many years I was the gal on phone who gave meeting times 24/7 a day.

I remember people calling back and saying "are you kidding me?" but my job was only about giving them the time/date, not the content.

Any meeting that works, that can become a Home Group, will be good. I'm sorry you had these types during this time. It frigging sucks.

I wish I could somehow show you that if you put the bottle down that life won't end, that it will be better. But am not really a hand holder, just a positive type who believes in you, us, them. PLus I know that you know the way out of this too. Doesn't mean you don't need a hand. I know that.

...is there something that is making picking up easier than not?
Have I missed that bit on your posts? Is there some emotion, person, hurt or fear that
is making it easier to grab something to help you "forget".?
Other things can distract you and get your attention.
Other things besides booze, benzo, coke, anything.
/eh///you know I'm not really here....this is a very unexpected pop in. (((((hugs man)))))

Marcus

Just my experience in Chicago I ended up liking AA meeting way better than NA. Nothing against NA, but I found there were very few with long term sobriety and it was a much younger crowd (not a bad thing), but it felt like a social club at times. Just my experience. In AA there were tons of people with 10 years or more and they just seemed to get it. When it comes down to it you really only need to find a couple of people you gel with and stick with the winners. I met some guys and they invited me to their home group where we would rotate meeting at someones house every week and those meetings were where I felt most comfortable and felt like I could talk about ANYTHING going on. Plus there was the before and after meeting where we would all stand around and shoot the sh*t and I felt like a human being. You might want to try a few more AA meetings. If you do live in Buffalo I would think there is a huge amount of meetings in that area. The earlier Saturday and Sunday morning meetings were always best for me and club meetings can be sketchy sometimes. Don't be afraid to try a men's meeting. Find a 6,7, or 8 am mens meeting at a church and I guarantee you there will be lots of long term sobriety with people that have been around the block. If you are truly looking for support you will search high and low and I promise you will find your way. I am not saying you need to accept all the steps etc. but just having some support and some phone numbers of people to call when you are feeling squirrely can be a godsend! Good Luck Dude!!!

mejo

Hi- reading this thread made so much sink in for me that I immediately went and started looking through my daily readers.on Step 1. I am the wife of an addict and I could never wrap my brain around why my AH felt so pressured by my baggage since (I felt like) he handed them to me. I am constantly depressed or pissed and even though it was from the circumstances (I felt) he put us in, why couldn't he just make it all go away, fix it, make me feel better, bla bla. I don't know why I read this thread (HP?) Because I usually stay in the F&F forum. But it made me understand the added weight and guilt I continue to lay at my AH feet. I am still angry and sad, but I am beginning to realize that I should not expect the person who hurt me, to heal me. I needed this tonight. Thank you.

Chasingthedream

Hey Opio, how are things going?

TiredEnough

Better a Debbie Downer than a Negative Nancy

But, lettuce be cereal. I dont blame you for running out of that place. It sounds silly.

OpioPhobe

Today is OK. I am going to see the counselor later this morning. The doctor that my wife and I went to gave me the referral and I specifically asked for a doctor who does work other than just addiction treatment. After I set up the appointment I looked up the 'doctor' and found out it is an addiction social worker. I don't even know how I am supposed to address her. When I spoke with her on the phone I called her 'doctor', and she didn't correct me. I think that is a little weird. If someone addressed me as doctor on the phone and I didn't have the title I would have corrected them immediately. Also, she is only a few years older than I am. Whatever, I don't have anything to lose, and I'll come in with an open mind to the meeting.

My wife got pissed at the therapist she was going to and isn't going to see her anymore. I would have been fine going to that doctor to do couple's therapy, but I have a feeling that the doctor just didn't want to deal with us. She would probably lose money on the deal anyway, because I am sure the doctor would need to hire her own therapist after talking with us for a few weeks.

Marcus - thanks a lot for the feedback on AA. The AA chair that I have been talking to mentioned that there is a guy with 'dual addictions' that runs a 7:30AM meeting in the area. He also warned me that the NA meetings were 'less structured'. I have to confirm which day of the week that is, but I agree that early morning may be best. Hopefully it will weed out the folks that are just going to check a box. I still can't get over how different it was from the NA meetings I went to in NYC. There were lot's of guys in there with 20 - 30 years. Looking back on it, I really missed out on a good opportunity there and I took it for granted that NA would be like that everywhere. I'll keep pounding the pavement up here until I find something that works though.

OpioPhobe

I went to another AA meeting this afternoon. It was excellent and I am feeling a lot better. There were some good folks that I met there who I definitely clicked with. I have quite a few numbers now to call in case things turn south.

Also, the therapist meeting went well this morning. She was pretty cool and I will go and see her next week.

This is the first day when I really feel like things are getting back on track.

TiredEnough

Excellent.

cleaninLI

Great news Opio!

lonelynn

Great news!

EyesOfAStranger

You are sounding like your old self again (as much of you as I know that is - your clean self perhaps I should say).

You've got this.

BlueChair

Great news, keep it coming !!

OpioPhobe

Today went OK so far. I went to another AA meeting this afternoon. It was different because it was definitely the largest meeting I had ever been to. I think I am going to stick to the smaller meetings for now. The crowd was kind of shy. I was shy too in front of that many people, and it was too easy to just sit in the back.

Last night was interesting on the sleep side. I keep waking up every 30 minutes and was having nightmares in between. It is better than pacing the floor not being able to sleep at all though so I can't complain.

OpioPhobe

Sleep was short last night. I did manage to get ~3 hours, but it was good, deep sleep. I am going to make sure that I don't take any naps during the day. Tonight will be better I think.

I got a sponsor today so I am happy about that. Initially, I wanted to wait a while before getting one, because I thought it was such an important decision. However, I really clicked well with my sponsor and I am confident that it is the right decision. So, I have homework assignments between now and our first sit down next week. One thing is that I want to go through the steps slowly and methodically. If I am going to do them I want to make sure I am spending the time to really do them right. Otherwise, what is the point? There were some folks that talked about wanting to get through the steps as quickly as possible and being frustrated with it. I didn't really understand that. My sponsor is patient and open-minded, which I think will work well. I think he will interpret any questions I have as curiosity rather than a challenge to authority or stubbornness.