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Old 05-03-2017, 11:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Why?


I just don't understand how I can be so ignorant and stupid as to continue to relapse on cocaine knowing fully well what the consequences may be.

Posted a while ago when I first relapsed as was such a disappointment, had undergone surgery to rebuild my septum and at the time was just so convinced and determined that this coke ordeal had reached it's end. I really believed it. When I gave in and decided to relapse when all was said and done I struggled to find an explanation as to how I could be so stupid, how I could put so much at risk when there are no benefits in return, how I could allow myself to go back after I had been months without.

Was a bad relapse but regained control. Thought to myself that was it, convinced myself to learn from relapse, remember how I felt at the end of the binge, learn lessons such as no matter how much I tell myself ill only allow myself one night, one gram etc its all lies. I really thought I could take it as a lesson and would help as a preventative measure.

So why am I back here? Why am I doing this? There is no reason and it only causes pain. My nose will collapse, I underwent surgery and was lucky enough to be able to correct it (mostly) so why am I taking that for granted?

How can I be so stupid...

Do I just not care? Do I still feel as if no serious consequence that can't be reversed will happen to me? Do I even care if it does - am I not deserving? I've been so damn lucky, soooo so damny lucky and gotten away light in situations which could have been so much worse. I felt lucky that it was my nose that forced me to stop using and not something worse. I felt lucky that It was something I could correct and fix. I told myself not to push my luck. Not to take it for granted.

But that's exactly what i've done...I seem to be betting with my life all the time as if I didn't care whether I will live or die. But I do care, I have so much to look forward to, I have so much life to live. I'm gambling with losing that all when it means so much to me.

How can I be such a hypocrite? How can I continue on in this weird forced denial and attitude of ill be fine when i'm generally a logical person? How can I know on one level that i'm simply fooling myself into thinking i'll always come out okay, and on the other level despite logic telling me otherwise still just believe it...

How can my twisted feelings of belief overcome logic and sense? What exactly am I waiting for to happen to shake me out of these delusions? What is there inside me i'm not understanding that seems intent on causing me to self destruct. Im not an unhappy person, I have a good life, I have everything I could want and a bright future to look forward to. Why am I throwing it all away?

Why has the girl who had so much potential become such a damn failure...
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Old 05-03-2017, 11:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Addiction in cunning and baffling, friend.
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Old 05-03-2017, 11:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Two Wolves

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Addiction in cunning and baffling, friend.
That it is...

There's a great story I had heard about a grandfather talking to his grandson about the internal battle we all face;
He explains that we all have inside us two wolves in constant battle with each other:
One represents all the ugliness, greed, lies, ego, arrogance, resentment, jealousy, anxiety, anger, fear and so on.
The other represents goodness, love, kindness, hope, faith, serenity, humility, joy, peace...

This battle between the two wolves is going on inside us all and one wolf will eventually overcome the other. When the grandson asks which wolf wins the response is simple : The one you feed.

I love that story because it's so true. And i've been feeding my negative wolf for so many years now that it's become strong and it's winning. The key is to stop feeding it. The key is to never give up on the battle.

If only I could apply this wisdom with ease into my life. Never assumed this was going to be easy. Never quite realised what a battle it can be...
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Old 05-03-2017, 12:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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The AV will keep the focus on the 'why's , and admit for more use before the 'why's are answered, and even better for IT is that you never find satisfactory answers, thereby the option for continued use is always open.
Change your focus to never using again, no matter what, starve IT out. The 'why's can be addressed in time , but finding the answers is not the beginning of ending the addiction, it is the addiction worming ITs way into staying alive, starve IT out.
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Old 05-03-2017, 01:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes, that is such a good lesson about the Two Wolves! Thanks for reminding me of it.

I also think in terms of the flesh vs. the spirit. Two natures. Always seeming to be at odds with one another....

There is that part of us that *Just*Wants*PEACE*...we see glimpses of that desire even in some of the most contrary people; people who seem to like to stir the pot and are unsettled. But, there is something lurking down deep inside that does want peace.

There is that part of us that just wants to feed and satisfy the flesh at whatever cost. This is in us, all around us, everywhere we look. A greed and hunger to keep the flesh happy, but it is never really satisfied, is it? Look at the media, for example. It's never enough; never enough. Yes human nature tends to be dishonest and always stirring up strife.

One way we can feed the good wolf is by starving the other.

This is SO not easy, nor is it ever done with ease. Life happens and we are faced with many challenges. You have a lot of support here.
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Old 05-03-2017, 04:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The AV will keep the focus on the 'why's , and admit for more use before the 'why's are answered, and even better for IT is that you never find satisfactory answers, thereby the option for continued use is always open.
Change your focus to never using again, no matter what, starve IT out. The 'why's can be addressed in time , but finding the answers is not the beginning of ending the addiction, it is the addiction worming ITs way into staying alive, starve IT out.
Thanks for your response. I never really thought of it in that way but I completely get your point. Overally I think i'm quite in touch with myself in the sense that I feel I have a good understanding of what my true motives/reasons are behind most my actions/feelings. When it comes to this however it just doesn't make sense...I know what to expect, I know the outcome is always the same - crappy, I know how much I can lose and I know the damage I could do to my nose yet something inside me just seemed to be able to override all that logic and I have no idea what that something is...
Maybe you're right, maybe best not to over analyse and seek answers to whys. If there's a next time for relapse it could even act as an excuse to use as in that state any excuse will do..Addiction works in such sneaky ways and maybe I don't have to understand it and as you said just change my focus to starving it out. Was so frustrated with myself when I wrote that, angry and feeling so stupid but it's probably a wrong route to take. No positive changes develop from a negative attitude...

thanks for posting
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes, that is such a good lesson about the Two Wolves! Thanks for reminding me of it.

I also think in terms of the flesh vs. the spirit. Two natures. Always seeming to be at odds with one another....

There is that part of us that *Just*Wants*PEACE*...we see glimpses of that desire even in some of the most contrary people; people who seem to like to stir the pot and are unsettled. But, there is something lurking down deep inside that does want peace.

There is that part of us that just wants to feed and satisfy the flesh at whatever cost. This is in us, all around us, everywhere we look. A greed and hunger to keep the flesh happy, but it is never really satisfied, is it? Look at the media, for example. It's never enough; never enough. Yes human nature tends to be dishonest and always stirring up strife.

One way we can feed the good wolf is by starving the other.

This is SO not easy, nor is it ever done with ease. Life happens and we are faced with many challenges. You have a lot of support here.
I so agree with you. I think theres a part in everyone who craves peace - a luxury that most will never be able to have.. Life is just becoming increasingly complicated. We are overwhelmed with choices these days and big industries certainly do play on our greed! The minute you buy one thing the next model/update etc is already out you can't even keep up. I feel life these days can be very overstimulating in a non natural way and overwhelming! A simpler life is bound to be a happier one...

There's an island in Greece called Ikaria which has become well known due to most of the inhabitants living past 100. There are a few other places around the world where its the same and they all seem to have one thing in common: simplicity. They live off the land and are assigned their life's work based on what is passed down to them. Small communities where interaction is much more frequent than in a busy city somewhere else in the world.

They have good lives, they have the basics and nothing more really, they are content and doubt they ever sit and over analyse or question if they are happy etc. They simply just live!

But on the other hand we have just got to make the most of what weve got because I don't want to end this life feeling it was such a waste. An addiction can waste years of your life away, I can't let it steal any more from me...And addiction is never an isolated issue, it's tied in to so many different aspects of life (at least for me) that I feel it's just one long constant battle. I can beat the cocaine and then address the last hurdle of my Xanax addiction. I can then beat that and address my seriously unhealthy relationship with food, then smoking, coffee sometimes life really does seem like a never ending battle between your two wolves and as much as you try to starve the bad one it's always just waiting for that one moment of vulnerability...

I think back to the days I used to say cocaine was only a 'mental' addiction and believed it haha. I had no idea at the time that the mental side of addiction is the most difficult part of the battle...

thanks for your response and support!
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Interesting! So true about simplicity, though.

I think that in order to keep things simple, one needs to address greed. And in order to address greed, one needs to address contentment. And one will not have peace if one cannot be content. If one is not content, one will more likely be greedy. So, learning to be content with what you have is a key ingredient...but learning also to perhaps "make do" with what you (already) have is helpful. And sometimes we need to tap into our intrinsic resources and look at it in a more creative way to realize we have all we really need.

If you take a look at hoarders and gamblers, which are addicts too, they are never content and it's all about getting more, and more....and more....and more....and it's never enough! That would be my MIL, who is both a hoarder and a gambling addict.

My dad didn't have much in the way of fancy stuff. Many of his things were old and used. He was not well traveled. Nor did he have any high society connections. But I remember he would sit on the porch, drinking a cup of coffee, gaze out at the countryside and calmly say: "I've got everything I need right here." Hmm. I miss that.
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Well, another valuable lesson my dad taught was in regards to knowing when you have had enough to eat and to not over-eat to such as extent that you felt uncomfortable and regretted eating so much. He did this mainly by example. He ate well, yes, and he enjoyed good food, yes, but he ate slow, savored his food and when his stomach was full *enough*, he stopped eating. Simple strategy? Would seem so. At least that was his attitude. Why is over-eating such a problem with so many people? Hmm.
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Interesting! So true about simplicity, though.

I think that in order to keep things simple, one needs to address greed. And in order to address greed, one needs to address contentment. And one will not have peace if one cannot be content. If one is not content, one will more likely be greedy. So, learning to be content with what you have is a key ingredient...but learning also to perhaps "make do" with what you (already) have is helpful. And sometimes we need to tap into our intrinsic resources and look at it in a more creative way to realize we have all we really need.

If you take a look at hoarders and gamblers, which are addicts too, they are never content and it's all about getting more, and more....and more....and more....and it's never enough! That would be my MIL, who is both a hoarder and a gambling addict.

My dad didn't have much in the way of fancy stuff. Many of his things were old and used. He was not well traveled. Nor did he have any high society connections. But I remember he would sit on the porch, drinking a cup of coffee, gaze out at the countryside and calmly say: "I've got everything I need right here." Hmm. I miss that.
very interesting post, I agree that in order to address greed one must first address content however it got me thinking in your next paragraph how very similar greed is to addictions or addictive behaviours..As you say with hoarders and gambling addicts they chase after more and more but never feel that it is enough.. Someone who is greedy also expresses in a similar way an excessive desire for more than is needed whether to do with food, money, possessions etc..

What drives a person to feel the need to have more more more. A sense of inadequacy springs to mind or low self esteem with those who place their value and sense of self worth in material things? I've always kind of felt that those who show off the most are most likely the most insecure as they place so much emphasis on what they have which determines their levels of confidence rather than on who they are as a person..

Still just speculating but as with shopping addicts maybe the accumulation of new things gives them a certain 'high' or dopamine response.. Basically I guess what i'm trying to get at is even in those whose behaviours seem shallow and selfish maybe they too are suffering in similar ways to other addicts however with no means of help as im assuming most don't see it as a problem...
When you have a more obvious addiction you can seek help and treat it and learn to find the underlying causes which you can begin to address..

For others who share similar traits with addiction like needing more and more and more I'm guessing they don't really see it as an issue which needs to be addressed/don't recognize the underlying symptoms such as low self esteem etc...

All speculation haha but your post got me thinking! What do you think? Can even greediness be classified as addictive?
For me at least I've always had quite an addictive personality and have come to learn that you can become addicted to people, to headache pills, to tv series. To anything you do or take excessively that interfers negatively in your life..

Sorry what did you mean by MIL? How do you manage your MIL'S hoarding? I used to watch the programme on tv which really opened my eyes to the distress and emotional depth associated with hoarding and I don't know what the reasons are for hoarding, do they develop attatchments to their things? Does it act as their sort of comfort blanket? Is it similar to obsessive compulsive disorders? It must be very difficult...

When I was in rehab I shared a room with a woman who had quite a severe gambling addiction. She had lost everything willing to put her house and everything she had on the line to fulfill her gambling needs - much the same in a way as me putting my health on the line or any addict which when taken to the max is at risk of losing everything they hold dear..

In that sense all addictions, whatever the outlet is are all quite similar..

Sorry for long post just find this a really interesting subject!
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well, another valuable lesson my dad taught was in regards to knowing when you have had enough to eat and to not over-eat to such as extent that you felt uncomfortable and regretted eating so much. He did this mainly by example. He ate well, yes, and he enjoyed good food, yes, but he ate slow, savored his food and when his stomach was full *enough*, he stopped eating. Simple strategy? Would seem so. At least that was his attitude. Why is over-eating such a problem with so many people? Hmm.
Your dad sounds like he had life figured out and knew how to savour and enjoy it That's a great attitude to have and a very healthy one. Food has always been an issue for me and moderation is a word im unfamiliar with but envy those who are able to be that way
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Old 05-03-2017, 07:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Love the wolves story. Stay strong AC.
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Old 05-03-2017, 09:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Your dad sounds like he had life figured out and knew how to savour and enjoy it That's a great attitude to have and a very healthy one. Food has always been an issue for me and moderation is a word im unfamiliar with but envy those who are able to be that way
Thx AC. My dad had a lot of interesting wisdom...but you know what, he could be one tough son of a gun at times too. You spoke of that island in which people's livelihoods/occupations were sort of handed down and that is really similar to how he was raised. He was raised exactly in the place his grandfather settled and that's where I was raised. It's a very special beautiful place in many regards, but it really did promote a very basic simple way of living (off the land), indeed, as my great grandfather was one of the very first white men to settle in that particular area. So, these simple basic concepts were something I learned growing up, but very much took for GRANTED until after I had left home for awhile.

But, many folks yearn to return to their roots or they find that no matter how far they wander from 'home', they are still who they are/were to begin with. Hmmm? And, there seems to be something in many folks that has them yearning to get back to the basics. Perhaps it is really the essence of simplicity they are yearning for which promotes peace.
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Old 05-03-2017, 09:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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very interesting post, I agree that in order to address greed one must first address content however it got me thinking in your next paragraph how very similar greed is to addictions or addictive behaviours..As you say with hoarders and gambling addicts they chase after more and more but never feel that it is enough.. Someone who is greedy also expresses in a similar way an excessive desire for more than is needed whether to do with food, money, possessions etc..

What drives a person to feel the need to have more more more. A sense of inadequacy springs to mind or low self esteem with those who place their value and sense of self worth in material things? I've always kind of felt that those who show off the most are most likely the most insecure as they place so much emphasis on what they have which determines their levels of confidence rather than on who they are as a person..

Still just speculating but as with shopping addicts maybe the accumulation of new things gives them a certain 'high' or dopamine response.. Basically I guess what i'm trying to get at is even in those whose behaviours seem shallow and selfish maybe they too are suffering in similar ways to other addicts however with no means of help as im assuming most don't see it as a problem...
When you have a more obvious addiction you can seek help and treat it and learn to find the underlying causes which you can begin to address..

For others who share similar traits with addiction like needing more and more and more I'm guessing they don't really see it as an issue which needs to be addressed/don't recognize the underlying symptoms such as low self esteem etc...

All speculation haha but your post got me thinking! What do you think? Can even greediness be classified as addictive?
For me at least I've always had quite an addictive personality and have come to learn that you can become addicted to people, to headache pills, to tv series. To anything you do or take excessively that interfers negatively in your life..

Sorry what did you mean by MIL? How do you manage your MIL'S hoarding? I used to watch the programme on tv which really opened my eyes to the distress and emotional depth associated with hoarding and I don't know what the reasons are for hoarding, do they develop attatchments to their things? Does it act as their sort of comfort blanket? Is it similar to obsessive compulsive disorders? It must be very difficult...

When I was in rehab I shared a room with a woman who had quite a severe gambling addiction. She had lost everything willing to put her house and everything she had on the line to fulfill her gambling needs - much the same in a way as me putting my health on the line or any addict which when taken to the max is at risk of losing everything they hold dear..

In that sense all addictions, whatever the outlet is are all quite similar..

Sorry for long post just find this a really interesting subject!
MIL is mother in law and how do we manage her hoarding? Oh boy! Well, she is not really one to be 'managed' by anyone...(haha), but she tries to give some of her 'stuff' to us and I have to credit my husband for being very blunt/honest with her about where he stands. In fact, it amazes me how blunt he is with her and yet they remain on good terms. He just sets very firm boundaries with her. Now, we do like to visit her house? Not unless we have to. She is not as severe as the cases you see on tv, though.

Yes, I think what drives a lot of these various behaviors we are discussing is that sense of inadequacy, lack, low self esteem,abandonment issues,and just trying to somehow make oneself feel better, etc. For example, why would someone want to go get high if they already feel good? What drives a person to seek out that fix? We know the answers to that.

Yes, for some it is over spending. Buying new objects; new clothes. I do believe it does give a dopamine high of sorts for some to go out and get the next stylish outfit or whatever. And if their pocket book can handle it they may not experience a down side to that. But if they are living beyond their means they are only creating more stress in their life and in no way simplifying...which takes them farther from the peace they want but don't exactly know how to get. So even though they may have a really great new outfit, they may not even be able to FULLY enjoy it, whatever the case may be.

Similar thing to buying an RV, for example. Oh, that's a really great thing, right? But there are a lot of hidden costs and extra efforts required to maintain it, to haul it around, set it up, stock it, etc...takes more gas. The lists goes on. If it's worth all that effort to a person and they feel they get out of it what they want, fine. But, for a lot of folks they get into an RV and they find out years down the road they are not using it as much as they thought and not getting out of it in proportion to the effort it takes....guess that's why there are so many used RV's and boats for sale.

Yes, I think addiction, by its very nature is a greedy bugger. It takes more and more of the substance to get the same effect, right? It's chasing a high over and over and over like chasing after something but never really being satisfied.

But, (gladly) there are things that ARE satisfying. There are things that don't depreciate. There ARE things that you put into that give back in return and for every effort you make you reap the benefits. Such as practicing music, learning a worthwhile skill, spending quality time with loved ones, etc.
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Because addiction does not follow rules and takes no prisoners. The drug of choice becomes the abuser's whole world- regardless of money, family, marriage, career, morals, ethics, reputation. Eventually perhaps even life.
There is no 'why', for me there just 'is'. To break free of the hell I created required the most significant of reminders life has to offer. To break the cycle of addiction meant I had to become as driven in healing and not (in my case) drinking- ever again. Every relapse is worse.
Empathy and support offered. Addiction sucks- death is worse.
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Old 05-04-2017, 05:43 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I read through this before bed last night and had this long reply. I was so happy to read through this thread and post. Then hit reply and NOPE. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I relate to everything on here. My using baffles me, makes me sick, makes me broken, hurt, busted, depleted, down right self demoralisation. There is no reason for it because I have spent 20 years trying to do it on my own.

people in china would tell me, 'just surrender already' I would get so dang mad and think I don't want to keep doing this to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cunning, baffling, and powerful.

Please keep posting. Tea and always great writers as well!! I would give up my addiction for hoarding anyday.. lol

have a good day!! make it a sober day.
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:40 AM   #17 (permalink)
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.

But, many folks yearn to return to their roots or they find that no matter how far they wander from 'home', they are still who they are/were to begin with. Hmmm? And, there seems to be something in many folks that has them yearning to get back to the basics. Perhaps it is really the essence of simplicity they are yearning for which promotes peace.
Yes I very much agree and feel if we didn't live in such a money-driven consumerism society people could maybe feel more at peace. Most of us don't have basic lives anymore and go from one worry to the next, spend our time doing things we don't particularly like and enjoy out of necessity and end up neglecting doing that what we need to nourish our souls... I think a lot of joy and peace can be found in nature, a walk through a quiet forest or swimming in the sea where you are able to just simply enjoy the earth we're living in and take a moment to appreciate it as in everyday life (especially living in a city) you're going from one building to the next, traffic everywhere noise and chaos and I feel it cuts you off from the natural world and from nature which is so important for our mental states...

Also you mention and realise in your post that you may not have had gratitude for something you should have and this is something i've often considered as I too seem to lack gratitude for most things and simply take things for granted. I think at least acknowledging this behaviour and realising you should start to count your blessings rather than your shortcomings is the best anyone can do as many people I know would never even take this into consideration..We have come to expect certain things in life and until it's taken from us only then do we seem to realise how lucky we were to have it in the first place, especially if health related.

I often feel that if I was more grateful in general I wouldn't be abusing and pushing my limits as much as I do but as much as I try to tell myself and think about how lucky I am in some areas I still seem to just expect it and take it for granted. Another why, another disappointing trait.

Ultimately I think addiction can make a person selfish and disconnected, my addiction has been very isolating and the last things on my mind at the time were going out into nature and doing the things which help me escape in the best of ways but in my recovery although I often still want to isolate and binge watch tv episodes or something else where I can easily escape, i've found that making myself do these things has been the best thing ! I've noticed both times I relapsed was when I began to get lazy and quit putting effort into doing things which made me feel alive and rather began searching for those quick instant gratification things instead!

Definitely going forward something to keep in mind and not allow myself to fall back into that lazy and isolated frame of mind!
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:50 AM   #18 (permalink)
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But, (gladly) there are things that ARE satisfying. There are things that don't depreciate. There ARE things that you put into that give back in return and for every effort you make you reap the benefits. Such as practicing music, learning a worthwhile skill, spending quality time with loved ones, etc.
Responded to this in above post but after reading again just wanted to add that doing the things we know will have the best effects on ourselves and our happiness are also the things which require the most effort as you say above for every effort you reap the benefits.

I've relied on instant gratifications instead, unwilling to put in the required effort or simply not bothered when I had a easier option infront of me, out of laziness and out of that need to have the quick fix instead of having to work for it and it seems that more and more people are coming to rely on the abundance of quick fixes instead of putting in the work. Fad diets, medications, shortcuts etc. Again I question myself as to why I still do this when I know 100% that the more effort you put into something the more you get out of it. Can I really have become that lazy and ungrateful that i'm not even bothered to put in a bit of effort to give myself a good life.

I know Ive gotta stop questioning all these things as it just makes me feel so so disappointed in myself. I think the key is to just start small, whenever I get a boost of inspiration i tend to overdo whatever it is ive decided to do as is common with my character that im never able to do anything in moderation. And as quickly as I jump into it just as quickly I jump out of it. Learning to do one small thing each day would probably work out better in the long run even if its just going for a walk in the park and being conscious and mindful and appreciative of the trees and the greenery etc..
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:57 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Because addiction does not follow rules and takes no prisoners. The drug of choice becomes the abuser's whole world- regardless of money, family, marriage, career, morals, ethics, reputation. Eventually perhaps even life.
There is no 'why', for me there just 'is'. To break free of the hell I created required the most significant of reminders life has to offer. To break the cycle of addiction meant I had to become as driven in healing and not (in my case) drinking- ever again. Every relapse is worse.
Empathy and support offered. Addiction sucks- death is worse.
From a few peoples responses ive come to realise that chasing and dwelling on the whys is pointless and futile! I can't help myself sometimes when im acting with no logic and I don't understand what's driving it and how it can be so strong and I wrack my brain for answers but all it does it make me feel like a disappointment and lower me in every possible way. From what ive gathered here its best to try to say as you said above, that it just 'is'. I have a tendency to over analyse and over think and it's never beneficial..

Thanks for your empathy and support, addiction does indeed suck!! What do you mean by every relapse is worse? After my first relapse I was truly devestated and desperate to try to understand what had happened as I had felt so strongly that I would never use again but with this relapse all I felt was disappointment and no surprise really.. Maybe worse every time as it brings you closer each time to falling into full on use again.. Also when you're generally feeling in a low place I guess it makes you much more vulnerable to turn to what you've become accustomed to in order to help you deal...
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Old 05-04-2017, 08:15 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I read through this before bed last night and had this long reply. I was so happy to read through this thread and post. Then hit reply and NOPE. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I relate to everything on here. My using baffles me, makes me sick, makes me broken, hurt, busted, depleted, down right self demoralisation. There is no reason for it because I have spent 20 years trying to do it on my own.

people in china would tell me, 'just surrender already' I would get so dang mad and think I don't want to keep doing this to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cunning, baffling, and powerful.

Please keep posting. Tea and always great writers as well!! I would give up my addiction for hoarding anyday.. lol

have a good day!! make it a sober day.
oh no what a shame! would have enjoyed reading your long post and your experience, if you find the will to write it again please post as its great to find people to relate too.. Also has happened to me before after pouring out my thoughts into words and I know how afterwards you just can't seem to face doing it again! It does in a way emotionally drain you unloading your brain of so many thoughts and issues. I also find though that it really helps me clarify and understand my thoughts better. I've never been too great at expressing myself vocally, I've always preferred writing or poetry where I seem to be able to sort out the jumble of worries, thoughts, anxieties, concerns etc which tire my brain!

I know a lot of people can see addiction and addictive behaviours as a simple matter of 'will power and determination' which is why those who haven't experienced it so such a destructive degree cannot understand and will tell you to 'just surrender already'. I don't know if it is just a matter of will power, of determination. Of course it counts a lot and I have had moments of such strong determination where ive felt positive and believed i could quit for good and if I could only have kept up feeling that way I probably wouldn't have relapsed but no matter how determined I feel eventually it seems to just fade and weaken...

Hence this obsessiveness I have with trying to figure out why. And then back to all the impossible and difficult questions. The contradictions and the hypocrisy of what im doing. The absolutely baffling action of being able to clearly see the logic in the situation but going against it anyway. What drives that? Why do I seem to want on some level to self destruct. I get lost in these thoughts often and can come up with multiple theories but never a clear answer.

From what ive gathered reading above is that maybe knowing why just isn't necessary. As Phoenix says above that rather than the whys just accepting that it 'is' and learn to go from there. My character which tends to like to overthink and overanalyse absolutely everything will find this difficult but I do think it's very important to just tell myeslf that it just is. That when I am able to I will self destruct and not analyse why but accept that I just will and avoid that at all costs!

Please share with me anytime whatevers on your mind, thanks for posting!
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