Originally Posted by
finaltime I read through this before bed last night and had this long reply. I was so happy to read through this thread and post. Then hit reply and NOPE. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
I relate to everything on here. My using baffles me, makes me sick, makes me broken, hurt, busted, depleted, down right self demoralisation. There is no reason for it because I have spent 20 years trying to do it on my own.
people in china would tell me, 'just surrender already' I would get so dang mad and think I don't want to keep doing this to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cunning, baffling, and powerful.
Please keep posting. Tea and always great writers as well!! I would give up my addiction for hoarding anyday.. lol
have a good day!! make it a sober day.
oh no what a shame! would have enjoyed reading your long post and your experience, if you find the will to write it again please post as its great to find people to relate too.. Also has happened to me before after pouring out my thoughts into words and I know how afterwards you just can't seem to face doing it again! It does in a way emotionally drain you unloading your brain of so many thoughts and issues. I also find though that it really helps me clarify and understand my thoughts better. I've never been too great at expressing myself vocally, I've always preferred writing or poetry where I seem to be able to sort out the jumble of worries, thoughts, anxieties, concerns etc which tire my brain!
I know a lot of people can see addiction and addictive behaviours as a simple matter of 'will power and determination' which is why those who haven't experienced it so such a destructive degree cannot understand and will tell you to 'just surrender already'. I don't know if it is just a matter of will power, of determination. Of course it counts a lot and I have had moments of such strong determination where ive felt positive and believed i could quit for good and if I could only have kept up feeling that way I probably wouldn't have relapsed but no matter how determined I feel eventually it seems to just fade and weaken...
Hence this obsessiveness I have with trying to figure out why. And then back to all the impossible and difficult questions. The contradictions and the hypocrisy of what im doing. The absolutely baffling action of being able to clearly see the logic in the situation but going against it anyway. What drives that? Why do I seem to want on some level to self destruct. I get lost in these thoughts often and can come up with multiple theories but never a clear answer.
From what ive gathered reading above is that maybe knowing why just isn't necessary. As Phoenix says above that rather than the whys just accepting that it 'is' and learn to go from there. My character which tends to like to overthink and overanalyse absolutely everything will find this difficult but I do think it's very important to just tell myeslf that it just is. That when I am able to I will self destruct and not analyse why but accept that I just will and avoid that at all costs!
Please share with me anytime whatevers on your mind, thanks for posting!